Mother Almost Gave Me a Heart Attack.

Soon2BMrsClay

I've only been engaged for a month now and I've told my parents that beyond picking a venue (which I did) I don't really intend on beginning my wedding planning until the new year since I'm not getting married until next November.

Well.  Today, I was speaking with my mother and at the end of the conversation she casually threw in that she would sign the contract and book the DJ tomorrow.  I'm sorry?! What contract?! What DJ?!

Apparently, she kinda sorta knows the guy who DJ's at the school dances where she works.

I instantly told her that she was not to book ANYTHING without my and FI approval or at the very least without us meeting the vendor and looking over the contracts ourselves.  I told her that I was more than willing to meet him and discuss prices etc.  My mother then started to get upset and pretty much was saying who was I to dare to interview a vendor and inquire about prices...

It's so early and my wedding is so far away; I do not want to be dealing with this stuff right now.

How do I make sure this doesn't happen again?

tldh

who is paying?  This is a crucial piece of information we need before anyone can give you an answer.

i3rooke

I agree with Tricia. It is important to know who is planning on paying for it. If your mom is in charge of the DJ then it would be understandable, however, if you are paying then I agree completely with what you said. I would let your mom know that you have a limited budget and based on the money you have allotted for each thing in your wedding, you are going to need to do research before any signatures will be given. 

Soon2BMrsClay

Everything is being divided equally.  My FI and I are paying a third, his parents are paying for a third and my parents are paying for a third.

lavieboheme73

OK, but who's in charge of paying for the DJ?  If that falls under your parents' third, then she can do with her money as she pleases.

Soon2BMrsClay

It hasn't been decided yet.  Again, I wasn't intending on beginning any wedding planning until the new year - so who is paying for what specifically has not been talked about, which is another reason why I'm shocked that she had intentions to go and do this without discussing it with anyone.

MrsMack10612

I think regardless of who is paying for what - her mother shouldn't be signing contracts with vendors that the B&G haven't even had the opportunity of meeting and talking to.  That's way over the line.

BeeBee22

Creepiest house elf EVER! 

Meaghann17

hey soon 2 be mrs, my mom was kind of like this in the beginning. it was completely overwhelming and drove me nuts. we got engaged april 2010, wedding oct 2011... and we had the venues booked within 2 weeks of being engaged. i thought that was plenty for a bit but she disagreed. she thought i wasnt interested and needed help/encouragement. what i did was first have a talk with her telling her that you want to be on the same page and mention some of your concerns. my mom and i had a blowout before i had the guts to have this talk with her, so if you can avoid a fight and just lay out your feelings i am sure it would be better!

bosoxy

I have a Momzilla so I feel your pain.  Just remember, no matter who is paying for the wedding, IT'S NOT HER WEDDING, IT'S YOUR DAY!!!

You and your fiancée have to feel comfortable with the vendors you choose no matter who pays for them.  She needs to TRUST that you can handle planning the biggest day of your life.  And let her know if you need her help, you will definitely ask for it.  And remind her that although your decisions may not seem like the best to her, they make you happy and that is what this day is all about.  You can still value her opinion and have your own.

Good luck.  I too had a blow out with my mom because she couldn't take me ignoring her "advice" anymore.  We are still recovering (well, I am still trying to forgive her for going nuts on me, she seems over it).  But at least now she knows that although I might not respond to the 100 wedding emails (no exaggeration) she sent me in one day, I still understand that she wants to feel like she is a part of the planning.  She knows that I am not going to let any detail fall through the cracks and that I am doing everything I can to stay under budget (although she kept trying to get me to go over it time after time).

singingjessi14

You should at least have the oppotunity to meet your vendors and help decide. I think it's a little early for that kind of planning too. Since you are paying a third, you get at least a third of the say (i'd say you get more of an opinion becauce it is your wedding).

Let your mom know you're thankful for her help, but that before anything is finalized, now or in the future, you need to be consulted and given the option to at least meet the vendor.

crystaln05

I just got engaged myself and my wedding isn't planned until April 2013 and although it seems as if I have all the time in the world I know I don't. My fiancé and I are both in the military and looking toward a deployment each overseas in 2012 so that cuts my planning time down already by 6 or more months! All I know is that it's never too soon to start hashing out some things.

Also, our engagement hasn't been announced yet (I proposed, he is looking for a ring). So this is giving me a chance to get a basic concept down, a basic idea of what I want so that when all the family and friends find out, I can sit down with them with MY plan and (hopefully) will already have duties ready to delegate. lol

Good luck to you!

Scuttlekid

Personally, I think your mother was out of line. Every wedding has their own little rules about who is paying and who has control of the decisions- but just booking a DJ without even telling you ahead of time is a little bizarre. She wasn't even going to tell you about this DJ at all? Just book it and poof!- you have a DJ? I think the best way to make things calm with her is to sit down and say you have always looked forward to planning your wedding day with your mother's input, but that you hope she will understand you've had a vision for your day for many years. Maybe she always had a vision for your day as well. Did her mother do this for her wedding? Talk to her and let her know you are listening and that you are not each other's enemies in this process.

Scuttlekid

*Oh however just to put it out there, it does help to book something like the music or photography ahead of time, like as soon as possible. Those things fill up quickly. I booked the essentials- date, venue, photography, music, photography- and now I'm just relaxing and doing the "fun stuff" now like dresses!

hwoychowski

I know there's the whole "whoever pays gets to decide" but...... it's wrong for any of the 'payers' to forget whose wedding this actually is. I would have a serious heart to heart with your mom and let her know you and your Fi's vision. Let her get excited about the wedding plannning  too. It sounds like she is just really excited and can't wait to start. It's kind of cute actually...but definately a pain.  

Soon2BMrsClay

Thank you everyone for the advice!

I've talked to my mom and tried to politely explain to her that at the end of the day it's my wedding not hers.  To tie back to what Scuttlekid said; I think part of the issue is that my mom choose not to make a big deal of her own wedding and had something very simple (so they could afford a house) and I think she's seeing my wedding as a way to get to do the things she never got to do for her own wedding...

But for the time being, DJ drama solved!