My first post - possible bridesmaid frustration

cristinawoods

Hello!  This is my first post, so I'm hoping you can give me some advice on an issue that I'm having.  Here's the backstory...

One of the girls that I intended to ask to be a bridesmaid has a conflict on the day of my wedding - her parents are renewing their vows.  I totally understand and am not mad or upset that she can't be at my wedding - family comes first.  I spoke with her husband to see if he thought I should ask her "ceremoniously" - he thought that I should and that she might actually decide to come to my wedding.  So I sent her a cute card (the same on that I sent to the other girls I asked to be bridesmaids), and I explained that I was aware of her situation with her parents and that I didn't want her to feel pressure to choose me over them, etc.

So that was a month ago.  In the note, I asked her to just let me know her thoughts within a week or so.  I still haven't heard anything.  I happened to be talking to her sister-in-law (my MOH), and she said that the girl I had asked to be a bridesmaid is really stressing out.

My intention was just to let her know that she's important to me.  But now I'm stuck because she doesn't want to tell me "no" - and I can't ask another friend to be a bridesmaid until she gives me an answer.  Assuming she does eventually say "no," I don't want the person I ask to be my final bridesmaid to feel like a second-class citizen since I asked everyone else over a month ago.

Any advice on how to handle this situation? 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-post-possible-bridesmaid-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:48b0da4e-0f18-48da-a59c-35dd6f35080fPost:b3b25887-a3cc-465e-9947-360b8fe0939a">My first post - possible bridesmaid frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello!  This is my first post, so I'm hoping you can give me some advice on an issue that I'm having.  Here's the backstory... One of the girls that I intended to ask to be a bridesmaid has a conflict on the day of my wedding - her parents are renewing their vows.  I totally understand and am not mad or upset that she can't be at my wedding - family comes first.  I spoke with her husband to see if he thought I should ask her "ceremoniously" - he thought that I should and that she might actually decide to come to my wedding.  So I sent her a cute card (the same on that I sent to the other girls I asked to be bridesmaids), and I explained that I was aware of her situation with her parents and that I didn't want her to feel pressure to choose me over them, etc. So that was a month ago.  In the note, I asked her to just let me know her thoughts within a week or so.  I still haven't heard anything.  I happened to be talking to her sister-in-law (my MOH), and she said that the girl I had asked to be a bridesmaid is really stressing out. My intention was just to let her know that she's important to me.  But now I'm stuck because she doesn't want to tell me "no" - and I can't ask another friend to be a bridesmaid until she gives me an answer. <strong> Assuming she does eventually say "no," I don't want the person I ask to be my final bridesmaid to feel like a second-class citizen since I asked everyone else over a month ago.</strong> Any advice on how to handle this situation? 
Posted by cristinawoods[/QUOTE]
Talk to her?  Just tell her what you told us, this isn't that complicated.  As for the bolded part, there's no way to avoid that no matter how you do it.  Just stick with who you have.  If you really wanted that other friend standing up with you, you would have asked them initially regardless of numbers.

For reference to any others who might be reading, this is a prime example of why those "will you be my bridesmaid" cards are actually rather a bad idea.  This all could have been avoided if you'd asked her in person or over the phone.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-post-possible-bridesmaid-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:48b0da4e-0f18-48da-a59c-35dd6f35080fPost:b3b25887-a3cc-465e-9947-360b8fe0939a">My first post - possible bridesmaid frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello!  This is my first post, so I'm hoping you can give me some advice on an issue that I'm having.  Here's the backstory... One of the girls that I intended to ask to be a bridesmaid has a conflict on the day of my wedding - her parents are renewing their vows.  I totally understand and am not mad or upset that she can't be at my wedding - family comes first.  I spoke with her husband to see if he thought I should ask her "ceremoniously" - he thought that I should and that she might actually decide to come to my wedding.  So I sent her a cute card (the same on that I sent to the other girls I asked to be bridesmaids), and I explained that I was aware of her situation with her parents and that I didn't want her to feel pressure to choose me over them, etc. So that was a month ago.  In the note, I asked her to just let me know her thoughts within a week or so.  I still haven't heard anything.  I happened to be talking to her sister-in-law (my MOH), and she said that the girl I had asked to be a bridesmaid is really stressing out. My intention was just to let her know that she's important to me.  But now I'm stuck because she doesn't want to tell me "no" - and I can't ask another friend to be a bridesmaid until she gives me an answer.  Assuming she does eventually say "no," I don't want the person I ask to be my final bridesmaid to feel like a second-class citizen since I asked everyone else over a month ago. Any advice on how to handle this situation? 
Posted by cristinawoods[/QUOTE]

Talk to her (in person preferably) and tell her what you told us.  Let her know that she will be an honorary BM in your program and that it was never ever your intention to ask her to choose between her parents and you.  And if her FI was in on this, why in the world hasn't her told her the background??

Finally - for safety's sake, create a new account and change your screen name.  There aer brides who posted personal information, like their name, and had people wreak havoc on their weddings by doing things like cancelling vendors.

bablingbrooke

Why can't you ask another friend to be a BM?  If you want her in the wedding, just ask her without hearing back from this friend.  If you only want her if your first choice can't make it, it would be wrong to ask her anyway.  Uneven sides are fine.

marissa_claire

If she can't be there, have her listed in the program as an honorary bridesmaid.  Don't ask someone else to replace her, or someone you wouldn't have wanted as a bridesmaid in the first place. 

jerseydevil

Agree with PPs - just TALK to her. You did have good intentions by sending the card to her anyway, but I probably would have just called her when you sent the cards to talk it out.

lalap69

Talk to her.  But either way, don't replace her.  If you want another BM ask her anyway.  If she's not on your A list, don't ask her even if this girl says no.

vixey

I agree with PPs.

However I think that if you want this last girl to be  BM but weren't asking her because you wanted even numbers, you should go ahead and ask her.  If you want her to be a BM don't leave her out just so you have even sides.

But don't ask her to be a replacement BM.  You either want her as a BM or you don't, and whether your other friend decides to be a BM should be irrelevant to that decision.

TheCranberry

If you really want the other girl to be a BM, I think you should ask her without waiting for this one to get back to you.  Just don't frame it as if you're replacing this girl or asking her because someone else said no.  I didn't ask all of my BM's at the same time because I wanted to do it in person, and different people have different schedules. 

cristinawoods

Thank you all for the advice!  I appreciate your thoughts and input.

To follow up, I got out my phone to call potential bridesmaid (she lives in a different state) yesterday to just put everything to rest, and - as luck would have it - my phone rang, and it was her.  She told me "no," as expected, but we had a really good conversation.  I intend to include her in all the pre-wedding stuff as if she were still an official bridesmaid, and I plan to include her name in the program with the rest of the bridesmaids.  I am going to ask another friend to be a bridesmaid (in person this time!) because - call us old fashioned - my fiance and I want even numbers.

Thanks again!

bablingbrooke

You do know symmetry has nothing to do with tradition or being old-fashioned, right? 

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-post-possible-bridesmaid-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:48b0da4e-0f18-48da-a59c-35dd6f35080fPost:10dcf1c2-526f-46eb-adf8-b1e319d10411">Re: My first post - possible bridesmaid frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for the advice!  I appreciate your thoughts and input. To follow up, I got out my phone to call potential bridesmaid (she lives in a different state) yesterday to just put everything to rest, and - as luck would have it - my phone rang, and it was her.  She told me "no," as expected, but we had a really good conversation.  I intend to include her in all the pre-wedding stuff as if she were still an official bridesmaid, and I plan to include her name in the program with the rest of the bridesmaids.  <strong>I am going to ask another friend to be a bridesmaid (in person this time!) because - call us old fashioned - my fiance and I want even numbers.</strong> Thanks again!
Posted by cristinawoods[/QUOTE]
Wanting even numbers at the expense of friends doesn't make you old fashioned.  It makes you shallow.

aerinpegadrak

The "even numbers" thing isn't terribly old, maybe 30 years or so.  It's not old-fashioned, neither is it a very nice way of treating people.

RastUmbarger

What an awful thing to say to someone.

Wanting even numbers does not make you shallow, or a jerk, it means that you want a specific thing on your wedding day, and as long as it's NOT something that's going to cause a burden to other people or hurt anyone's feelings, then it is completely acceptable.

The amount of judgemental brides on here, who get cruel because someone is doing something differently from the way they would have, is completely appalling.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-post-possible-bridesmaid-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:48b0da4e-0f18-48da-a59c-35dd6f35080fPost:de0e0edd-3289-487a-b947-e6975ea1bddf">Re: My first post - possible bridesmaid frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]What an awful thing to say to someone. Wanting even numbers does not make you shallow, or a jerk, it means that you want a specific thing on your wedding day, and <strong>as long as it's NOT something that's going to cause a burden to other people or hurt anyone's feelings</strong>, then it is completely acceptable. The amount of judgemental brides on here, who get cruel because someone is doing something differently from the way they would have, is completely appalling.
Posted by RastUmbarger[/QUOTE]
Except that's rarely the case.  Even numbers are just fine when it works out that way, it's when people exclude dear friends or include people they don't particularly want just for the sake of symmetry that it's a problem.  And yes, you can want a specific thing on your wedding day that still makes you shallow and a jerk.  A diamond ring is not carte blanche to step all over others.

bablingbrooke

Yes how dare we tell brides to treat their friends like human beings and not props.  Appalling.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-post-possible-bridesmaid-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:48b0da4e-0f18-48da-a59c-35dd6f35080fPost:de0e0edd-3289-487a-b947-e6975ea1bddf">Re: My first post - possible bridesmaid frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]What an awful thing to say to someone. Wanting even numbers does not make you shallow, or a jerk, <strong>it means that you want a specific thing on your wedding day</strong>, and as long as it's NOT something that's going to cause a burden to other people or hurt anyone's feelings, then it is completely acceptable. The amount of judgemental brides on here, who get cruel because someone is doing something differently from the way they would have, is completely appalling.
Posted by RastUmbarger[/QUOTE]
And wanting that at the expense of people IS shallow.  In fact, valuing a specific look over the feelings of other people is pretty much the very definition of shallow.  So I stand by what I say.

And yes, you qualified that as long as it's not going to hurt anyone, but the fact is that it probably will.  Maybe you've forgotten that the WP is supposed to be your nearest and dearest?

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_first-post-possible-bridesmaid-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:48b0da4e-0f18-48da-a59c-35dd6f35080fPost:9749132c-6bbd-45a3-99cd-5a50c6bcb29a">Re: My first post - possible bridesmaid frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes how dare we tell brides to treat their friends like human beings and not props.  Appalling.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

My name is Oceana, and I approve of this message.

Now, back to the OP...

1) I think it was really sweet to include your friend, even though you knew she likely wouldn't make it. However, I think you need to grow a pair, pick up the phone, and call her. Have an adult conversation with her, explain that you understand she likely can't make it but that you wanted her to know how much you care about her. Leaving her hanging in the wind, stressing out about disappointing/hurting you over something she has no control over is just shady.

As you did ask her to be in the wedding party, I would still include her in the program as a bridal party member. You are still honouring her/recognizing her as an important person in your life this way.

2) Ten years from now, you won't give a crap that your sides are uneven. You'll give a crap that on the day you were married, the people most important stood up for you and your FI. Or, at least, that would be the adult, mature way of thinking.

3) Asking a BM into your bridal party after the other girls is not necessarily a bad thing. I asked one of my BMs four months after I asked the others, simply because I had gotten to be very close to her in the months following our engagement and I wanted to include her in our day. She's in no way, shape or form a "second string" bridesmaid.

The only way a girl becomes a "second string" bridesmaid is a) when you're using them as a "replacement" or b) when <em>you make them feel that way.
</em>
If this girl is important to you, then ask her to be a part of your BP. If it's simply a matter of symmetry, do your friend a favor and leave her out.