Balancing mom & stepmom

Traceyd14

Is anyone else having a problem trying to figure out where their stepmom fits in without stepping on mom's toes? 

My stepmom has been with my dad close to 20 years, we've had a rocky relationship and I don't really enjoy being around her, but she wants to be a part of the wedding planning.  The problem is she can be overbearing and try to take control of every situation.  She makes my mom very uncomfortable and she stresses me out more than anything.  If I come out and tell her that I don't need help, it will cause problems for my dad which he will take out on me.  The biggest issue so far is dress shopping.  I think this should be something just for me and my mom.  I don't want to hurt my stepmom's feelings.  She has her own daughter, but her daughter is the more masculine half of a gay relationship so she will most likely never have the opportunity to be the mother of the bride.

So far I have been able to kind of brush off my stepmom and just tell her I am waiting a few months to go shopping.  I try to keep the wedding talk to a bare minimum around her.  I really just don't want her to step on my mom's toes.  So far I've been able to do that but we are still 10 months away.  I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to hold her off as the wedding gets closer.

Has anyone been through this?  Any advice?  I think I should point out that FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. No one offered to help and of course we are not asking.  I think its better this way, that way there are no strings.

cyn1812000

I'm lucky in that my Mom and Stepmom somewhat get a long and there's not much tension there.  But to make it special for my Mom, she and I went dress shopping by ourselves.  Then when I had it narrowed down to a few dresses I had another shopping day with both my Moms and my sisters.  I think having that first shopping day with just Mom and I made it more special for both of us.  Just pick a day to go with your Mom first - spend that special time with her - and then set up an appt for the next weekend and have anyone else (like your stepmom) come along.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_balancing-mom-stepmom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:49d0f520-9af9-49b2-9302-a13e0eaa9bc8Post:a52818f3-96bd-47f3-8946-6d2c592d2c3a">Balancing mom & stepmom</a>:
[QUOTE]Is anyone else having a problem trying to figure out where their stepmom fits in without stepping on mom's toes?  My stepmom has been with my dad close to 20 years, we've had a rocky relationship and I don't really enjoy being around her, but she wants to be a part of the wedding planning.  The problem is she can be overbearing and try to take control of every situation.  She makes my mom very uncomfortable and she stresses me out more than anything.  If I come out and tell her that I don't need help, it will cause problems for my dad which he will take out on me.  The biggest issue so far is dress shopping.  I think this should be something just for me and my mom.  I don't want to hurt my stepmom's feelings.  She has her own daughter, but her daughter is the more masculine half of a gay relationship so she will most likely never have the opportunity to be the mother of the bride. So far I have been able to kind of brush off my stepmom and just tell her I am waiting a few months to go shopping.  I try to keep the wedding talk to a bare minimum around her.  I really just don't want her to step on my mom's toes.  So far I've been able to do that but we are still 10 months away.  I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to hold her off as the wedding gets closer. Has anyone been through this?  Any advice?  I think I should point out that FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. No one offered to help and of course we are not asking.  I think its better this way, that way there are no strings.
Posted by Traceyd14[/QUOTE]

<div>Am I too assume that your dad is paying for some part of your wedding? If so you are kind of stuck with having to share the wedding process with her. If not, then really, work up the courage to tell her "sorry but I rather do that with my mom". As for the dress shopping, personally just go with your mom for your first appointment and keep quiet about it (yes, hard to do when your excited). But I see that being the only way to get your mother/daughter time without having to include stepmom. Once you feel comfortable in what dress you want then invite her (if you can't get around it).</div>

Traceyd14

We are paying for the wedding ourselves to avoid any strings.

AutumnFair

Awesome, that's the way to do it. 

Then really you just need to have the courage to just say "I'm sorry, but I really just want to do this with my mom". I would try to make her a little happy with just letting her come to see the dress. But it is totally your decision on how much you want to involve them because really it is none of their business since you are paying. If your dad is unhappy that she is not be involve then just tell him, "Sorry dad, but this is a personal thing I want to share with mom, I hope you understand" and "Since me and FI are paying we rather keep our wedding decisions to ourselves". If he can't accept it that is too bad. You just have to stick to your guns about the decisions you make.

LiaAli

I am very lucky that my mom and stepmom get along as well but I know what you mean about your stepmom can be overbearing and not know her place. My stepmom really wants to be involved in everything and I know her intentions are good but I am my mom's only daughter and she has been waiting for this for a long time. Its really hard to balance it all and make sure no one's feelings get hurt. I did what the PP did. I did my initial dress shopping and selected "the" dress with just my mom. It hasn't come in yet but I told my stepmom that when it does she is more than welcome to come with us and be a part of that. She was really happy and content with too so I felt okay. I am really lucky with my whole divorced parents situation but it is definitely harder and more complicated while planning a wedding!

MairePoppy

You shouldn't mention dress shopping to your stepmother. If she brings it up, let her know that you and your mother will be going alone. You shouldn't have to give a reason for this to her or your father.You could invite her to a dress fitting later, so that she can see your dress.

simplebride_24

I have a similar situation.  I get along with my stepmother to a point, after that point all she does is irritate me and get on my nerves.  She gets along with my little sister better than me, but I think that is because she was easier to brainwash! HA!  Anyways, my mom wanted the dress shopping to be just her and I, and I wanted my sister involved as well, so I let my stepmother know that when I had it narrowed down to my final 2 that I would let her know and that she could see the choices.  (She also gave opinions but I wasn't listening). That day my stepmother, mom, and sister were all present, oh yeah, he**, it was.  When I made my final choice, it was just my sister and myself there, and then I took my mom alone and she paid for it. (Her portion of the wedding). When it came in I took my FMIL to see it.  And about a week ago I took my sister to go look at veils for my dress and my stepmother showed up. Oh well. 

SeptemberFall2011

Just tell your dad as it is.  You want this chance to have mother-daughter time before you become married.  If your stepmom is too selfish to let you have your time with your mother she will have to find a way to let it out in a healthy manner.  You will also need to tell your dad you need his support in this.  Your stepmom is going to be overlooked alot anyway at this wedding so she may as well get used to it!

Muffin'sMom

My daughter had a pile of people that wanted to go along.  So, we made an appointment at David's Bridal and invited all 8 of them.  She tried on all kinds of stuff, even her FMIL's suggestions.  She smiled, we laughed, and then went out to lunch.  She said she wasn't ready to make a decision yet, but she'd let everyone know.  Then, she and I went to a few more stores together.  At the 4th store, she found "the one".  Everyone was happy!  There are ways to include everyone in some fashion!