Moms and Maids

MIA MOH

So my maid of honor and i go to college together. She is my suitemate so our rooms share a bathroom. Before we always saw each other but this year between her boyfriend and just her quirky flaky personality she is never around. This isn't I problem I knew this. But now it's holiday break and they were supposed to order the shoes. I've gotten confirmation from all my girls except her. I would just wait till we all get back but she was thinking about switching dorms. I have facebooked her, txted her, called her and left her voice mails (mind you all of these took place over  a 5 week time span). And she hasn't responded to 1! I don't know how to track her or how to make it clear to her I'm annoyed by her just dropping off the face of the earth without sounding like a totally b!tch. ....ugh...any suggestions to help me w/ her and being a sternly irritated polite person?

Re: MIA MOH

  • edited December 2011
    Instead of going about it from the wedding standpoint... contact her as a friend.  Find out what's going on.  After you have reached her as a friend again, THEN ask her about whatever BM stuff she needed to order to make sure she knows.  

    Be aware, sometimes when people purposely go MIA for a while, they may just need space from you.  Be careful about talking too much about the wedding and not enough as her friend.  

    Good luck! 
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mia-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a561e74-5d76-4a09-aec5-0dd269c9312aPost:42065cbc-8471-4112-9772-1c0885ae751a">MIA MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my maid of honor and i go to college together. She is my suitemate so our rooms share a bathroom. Before we always saw each other but this year between her boyfriend and just her quirky flaky personality she is never around. This isn't I problem I knew this. But now it's holiday break and they were supposed to order the shoes. I've gotten confirmation from all my girls except her. I would just wait till we all get back but she was thinking about switching dorms. I have facebooked her, txted her, called her and left her voice mails (mind you all of these took place over  a 5 week time span). And she hasn't responded to 1! I don't know how to track her or how to make it clear to her I'm annoyed by her just dropping off the face of the earth without sounding like a totally b!tch. ....ugh...any suggestions to help me w/ her and being a sternly irritated polite person?
    Posted by jumpyjoan12[/QUOTE]

    Maybe she is just busy trying to catch up on things and honestly when your busy you just forget to do things like call someone.

    Another reason is it sounds like you are having them have the same shoe. I hope you asked what her budget was before picking a shoe because it could be possible that whatever shoe you pick is too expensive and you calling her about it is making her want to avoid you.

    I would make sure she is just alright, be it going through a mutual friend or her boyfriend to see what's up.

    I agree, just try to see what's going on with your friend, maybe she is really busy or maybe there is a bigger problem that your may not be seeing that she avoiding you.
  • edited December 2011
    Ditto PP's. Don't mention the wedding the next time you try to touch base with her. Say something like, "I haven't heard from you in awhile and I'm concerned something is wrong. I hope you are doing well and if you need to talk, I am here. Hoping you're OK!" Give her some time and see what happens. She might just be busy on winter break or she might be going through something. Either way, put the wedding on the backburner until you find out (at least when talking to her).


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  • jumpyjoan12jumpyjoan12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Just a response ..I have talked to previously about other things we used to hang out all the time. And yes I would love to help her deal if anything was going on but there's no way i can know. As for the price for the shoes, she helped me pick them out and was fully aware of the price not to mention they are cheap.... whatev... I guess has anyone had a MOH or BM like this? I kinda feel like without dealing with it all can be said is pretty standard which hasn't worked.
  • edited December 2011
    I still think the root of the issue is with the friendship, not with the BM status... but we are outsiders looking only at the original information.  It can be hard to have a BM who isn't interested in responding to you, and I think so far you are handling it will without flying off the handle.  Some people (like me) are very reclusive and don't like to discuss personal matters with anyone, not even close friends, sometimes.  So, just be prepared that she still may be going through something, even if she doesn't want to share that info with you.  

    Once you've effectively communicated with your BM's about the attire that they need to have, and they have told you that they received the message, then it's up to them to get it by the requested time.  It could be that despite the low price of the shoes, being a college student, maybe she has to wait for her student loan refund to come in before she can buy the shoes and just is too embarrassed to say anything to you since she already agreed to the price.  Low vs. high price is all relative, for me more than $30 on a pair of shoes is a lot with my current income level and budget capability.  

    Patience is a virtue, even if you think she's cutting it close on ordering or purchasing the shoes, she may have a totally different concept of time.  Or maybe she's already ordered them.  Once you solve the communication issue, I think you'll be able to figure out the answer to the question of "has she ordered the shoes."  

    Let us know if we're missing anything, as we can only respond to the information you post... to be more helpful we have to know more!!! :-)  

    Good luck! 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If she is on college break, she's probably using that time to catch up with her friends and family at home. And there have been a few major holidays during that time.
    The other bms can go ahead an order the shoes if they want. Your roommate bm can order when she is ready. What's the worse case scenario as far as the shoes go? They are no longer available when she goes to order. So she picks another similar pair. No one will notice. This is not worth worrying about.
                       
  • meaganandchadmeaganandchad member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you for posting this! I am having the same problem with my MOH. She will answer her phone some weeks and then go MIA for the next few. We were supposed to go to a Bridal Fair this Sunday together, which we planned out the last time we hung out two weeks ago and that was the only thing we talked about with the wedding. She was all for it and when I tried to get ahold of her to make sure she still was free, I haven't heard anything. It doesn't make sense?
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  • edited December 2011
    I ordered my shoes 8 months before. Everything else was  done and bought, why not the shoes.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mia-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a561e74-5d76-4a09-aec5-0dd269c9312aPost:e3dab168-a6e8-403d-b2ad-76401cb98954">Re: MIA MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I ordered my shoes 8 months before. Everything else was  done and bought, why not the shoes.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]
    FFS...

    Because it makes absolutely NO sense to buy shoes that will only sit in a closet for eight freaking months. And particularly for BMs, there isn't anything that needs to be bought that far out from the wedding.   It's not their wedding.

    And to the OP and anyone else who requires a specific shoe (or any accessory other than the dress), if you require something specific like that, you need to buy it yourself.  Shoes are personal and not everyone can wear every type of shoe.  Besides, no one pays that much attention to whether the shoes are exactly alike.  IMO, just designate a color and then let the BMs choose a shoe themselves.  They may even already own something within the specifications set.  They're adults, treat them as such.

    OP, as an aside, I'm curious as to when you asked her to be MOH because it's advised to do so only 6-9 months out from the wedding.  It seems that in your OP, you imply that your friend has changed this school year due to having a new boyfriend, etc.  I'm not surprised, it's college, and those friendships sometimes do change from year to year, especially in a campus environment.  That said, that ship has sailed, so you can't unask her now.

    It's still winter break, wait until your friend gets back to campus.  Try to connect and work on the friendship, that's more of an issue than the wedding.   Stop talking about wedding stuff except for what she absolutely needs to know (and don't be a nag about it).  Please rethink requiring the shoes, this may be more trouble than it's worth.  If there are any other things that need ordering, like the dress, just let her know of the deadline for that and leave it at that.  If she doesn't get the required attire, she's out.  And don't replace her if that happens.
  • edited December 2011
    Try a "hello Im worried about you my freind" dont talk wedding untill she comes around, you might be a bit over doing it by asking everyone to buy everything NOW.
    I have 8 months to go as well, we havent got dresses for me or the girls, and we have plenty of time.
    Dont stress you got 8 months!
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  • jumpyjoan12jumpyjoan12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thank you for understanding! if it's any hope to u my situation ended up working out which I'm glad to hear. 

    Btw to the rest of the posts there were no friendship issues. And it's not far out. I mean if you look at any of the timelines ( including the one for The Knot) ...whatev, all i kno is that my stuff will be done well before hand and perfectly put together. Have fun rushing at the last minute.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mia-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a561e74-5d76-4a09-aec5-0dd269c9312aPost:06ac5c08-ede0-432e-a068-f6a9678bd18f">Re: MIA MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]thank you for understanding! if it's any hope to u my situation ended up working out which I'm glad to hear.  Btw to the rest of the posts there were no friendship issues. And it's not far out. <strong>I mean if you look at any of the timelines ( including the one for The Knot) .</strong>..whatev, all i kno is that my stuff will be done well before hand and perfectly put together. Have fun rushing at the last minute.
    Posted by jumpyjoan12[/QUOTE]

    Ummm, you do realize that all of those timelines are created by the wedding industry who wants you to spend money on the stuff their advertisers sell, right?  Just for future reference, it's probably not a great idea to take as Gospel the advice of an entity that stands to gain financially from you taking their advice.

    And I'm so happy that your "stuff" will be perfectly put together.  But please be prepared:  weddings are never perfect.  There is always some little "glitch", whether you think you've got everything "perfectly put together" or not.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mia-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a561e74-5d76-4a09-aec5-0dd269c9312aPost:06ac5c08-ede0-432e-a068-f6a9678bd18f">Re: MIA MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]thank you for understanding! if it's any hope to u my situation ended up working out which I'm glad to hear.  Btw to the rest of the posts there were no friendship issues. And it's not far out. I mean if you look at any of the timelines ( including the one for The Knot) ...whatev, all i kno is that my stuff will be done well before hand and perfectly put together. Have fun rushing at the last minute.
    Posted by jumpyjoan12[/QUOTE]

    The only (and I do mean only) timelines that have to be followed are: get the final head count to the caterer and venue by their needed date. 

    Trust me on this one.  I've done this. 
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  • tldhtldh member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mia-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4a561e74-5d76-4a09-aec5-0dd269c9312aPost:f7141290-94e9-40ad-9835-347976072133">Re: MIA MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MIA MOH : Ummm, you do realize that all of those timelines are created by the wedding industry who wants you to spend money on the stuff their advertisers sell, right?  Just for future reference, it's probably not a great idea to take as Gospel the advice of an entity that stands to gain financially from you taking their advice. And I'm so happy that your "stuff" will be perfectly put together.  But please be prepared: <strong> weddings are never perfect.  There is always some little "glitch", whether you think you've got everything "perfectly put together" or not.
    </strong>Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

    And the ones that come close are boring as hell.  It's the ones where disaster on some level strikes that are the fun, intersting and memorable ones.
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