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Bridesmaid Dropout

Hey All -
I've recently had a bridesmaid drop out of my wedding party.  She is one of my very best friends and we've been best friends since toddlers.  We've always been a huge part of eachother's lives and there for eachother every step of the way.  I immediately asked her to be my bridesmaid when I got engaged last December and she was thrilled.  In June I scouted out bridesmaid dresses and was shocked to see the prices.  I decided to plan a trip across the border in order to cut the costs for some of my closest friends.  My mom and I paid for the gas and accomodations, all the girls had to do was buy the dress.  The trip was planned for last weekend (November).  In anticipation for the trip everyone was buzzing about it and we were all excited to have a girls weekend.  I made sure everyone had passports etc. On Wednesday, the BM in question informed me she couldn't make it because of the costs.  My MOH offered to cover the dress for now and she could pay her back, I even offered to cover expenses but she refused our help.  When we got back I told her how she could order a dress and that we'd do it together.  She was excited because she finally had the money to get the dress. She wrote me an facebook message (!) the next day telling me she couldn't be a bridesmaid because of the financial burden.  This is something I completely understand.  What I don't understand is the way she went about it and how she did it over fb.  I haven't wrote her back.  I'm shocked, disappointed and heartbroken.  How do I contact her now .... via fb?!?! She won't return my calls. It's so awkward. Any insight or thoughts into this greatly appreciated. 
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Re: Bridesmaid Dropout

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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I guess I'm curious, why not just help cover some (or all) of the cost of the dress rather than fund a trip to find a cheaper dress?
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    Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She is probably afraid of your reaction and thats why she won't answer or return your calls.  As much as I don't agree with FB for serious issues, that may be your best way to contact her, or through email.  I would say something like "I completely respect your decision to drop out because of financial reasons, but I really would hate to have the cost of my wedding keep my BF from standing up with me at my wedding.  Please call me so we can see if there are any other alternatives.  If not, I would still be honored to have you as guest at my wedding."

    Are there any pre-wedding parties your BMs are planning?  That could also be where the expenses are that she is referring to.  There was a post on E about that yesterday, and sometimes the bride has no idea how expensive the MOH or BMs can be making it for eachother. 
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    edited December 2011
    The point of the trip was also just to take a trip. 
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    jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    From what you wrote, it seems like fb is the only way she wants to respond - so I would keep responding to her through there.

    If someone is having a hard time financially there are many different facets to the problem and it can get complicated. She may be embarassed at the fact that she has gone back and forth about it. Give her some time.

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    edited December 2011
    She probably used FB rather than a phone call because it's sort of an embarrassing conversation. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have to say that if I were expected to go on an "over the border" trip just to buy a dress, I'd be worrying that the expenses of the wedding would be too much also.  I understand that others were paying for gas/accommodations, but, again in my mind, I'd be thinking that I was going to be expected to give a lot of time throughout the whole process.

    I probably would have bailed as well.  I think your expectations for your WP are too high.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-dropout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4c941a3a-ff4b-44bf-9020-630b9b36b806Post:d1daac10-2bc5-48ea-90b2-4807060ba8e3">Re: Bridesmaid Dropout</a>:
    [QUOTE]The point of the trip was also just to take a trip. 
    Posted by mdavies10[/QUOTE]
    Well, maybe she didn't want to take a trip.  She's under no obligation to do so.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    DanielleZZDanielleZZ member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    One of my BM backed out over FB (she had just gotten into grad school and could not put in the time or money in the middle of her semester).  This was not odd to me because we usually just communciate through FB.  In your situation I think she was probably too nervous to do it in person or over the phone and that is why she is ignoring you.  I would talked to her over FB and let her know that it is ok.   If you are really upset its ok to tell her but be careful how you say it.  She might have just felt stressed out about everything and probably didnt mean to hurt you.
    Trying to Conceive Ticker Anniversary
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    edited December 2011
    Holidays or not, I doubt this was just sprung on the bridesmaid in question. I've had similar issues with 2 of my BM's lately. They've known about the cost of the dress for at least 8 months. They've known the expectation to purchase the dress in Nov. Now, nobody can afford it. Really? Depending on the cost of the dresses, you can't save $20/month for a few months to make sure you don't let a best friend down when she's getting married. I understand your frustrtaion with this. Unfortunately, it seems she's not leaving you a choice re: how to talk with her about it. Hang in there.
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