this one. again. (sorry, major vent-age)

peaceistheway

 i grew up with 2 of my BMs forever, so we know every in and out about each other. one of them has been a pathological liar ever since we were kids. she flubs around with details....  literally, for no reason (one example... she gets a phone call when she was out with my other friend, from dude below, and tells him shes going to talk about my wedding, when she was going to talk about my other friends brutal break up. like... why the eff lie about that? and my wedding wasnt even close to a topic that day! even my other friend found that really strange).

well, pathological liar BM has been kind of seeing this guy. we all had doubts that he even existed for the 1st year of hearing about him, bc no one ever met him. finally, after all the stories, i met him. initially, i thought he was cool, until his true colors started gleaming. hes just weird. his mannerisms, his attitude, personality... his humor. his overal impression did not sit right with me, but of course, its not my deal. thats who shes into, i suppose, so i just left it alone.

he's been in and out of her life, and supposedly he has a severe alcohol problem. last i actually hung with my friend, he wasnt in the picture. she's become super MIA lately, and i find out through my other friend/BM that this dude is living with her at her parents. she still hasnt mentioned this to any of the rest of us, but again, not my deal really.

well... now i guess she flew with him across the country for a "medical emergency". she just up and ditched her job for this dude... and we're seriously starting to think shes just gonna peace out and not come back. my other friend (who i guess gets all the info, haha) told me that i guess he had a minor stroke?? and mentioned that hes in recovery from detoxing?? and something about adderal now?? i dunno... i know my fair share of boozers, and i dont think an alcohol detox would have such severe reprocussions. somethings just fishy about all of it.

its all crazy drama, and i hate to get any more involved into it, but im concerned about her involvement in my wedding. ive been on her case to get her dress, and its always another excuse (after the holidays, when i get my taxes, after i lose weight....). i guess my moms throwing me a shower, and shes not even asking for monetary help, but its a surprise, and she wants the bridal party in the know... and the ONLY person not getting back/cooperating is this girl.

i've already talked to her before, about how the way she acts in regard to my wedding gives me the impression that she's not happy about it, and thats its an inconvenience more than anything.when i spoke to her about the wedding, and how i've been feeling, she called me completely selfish, and told me i couldnt possibly know what shes going through (when she KNOWS my past... and that almost all of my ex's were substance abusers/rehab/sober living people... if anyone knows, it would be me). its like... she doesnt want my help, and doesnt really want to be involved, but still wants to string the whole damn thing along. yet, nothing's really changed since that conversation. in fact, its gotten worse.

i know ive got a ways away from the wedding still, but i'm just at a loss with this girl. i dont want to have to beg someone to go through the motions. if its not coming naturally, then i don't really want to deal with it. i think the biggest thing though, is that i can't stand the feeling i get when i DO talk to her... like... should i even believe what shes saying? siiiigh, am i wrong to just want some clarity? and more importantly, fricken HONESTY? i know its not okay to "kick out" or "denounce" a bridesmaid, but i really dont know what to do to find peace with all of this. even with the wedding stuff aside... just the friendship in general is really exhausting and frustrating. i want to help her, but shes just pushing everything away.

sorry again for this being a novel. unconditional love is a royal ass beating, haha.

bethsmiles

If you don't want her as a friend then end the friendship. But really all a BM has to do is buy the dress, show up to the wedding, walk down the aisle, and stand there. If I were you I would just give her some space. If she isn't coming to you about her problems (which it sounds like she isn't since you've been hearing about them from other people) then don't try to talk to her about it. It seems pretty clear that she doesn't want your input at this point. I don't know why you need to know every detail of her life - just because she is your friend doesn't mean she has to tell you everything and it seems obvious that she doesn't want to. So just back off for awhile. Let her come to you on her own terms in her own time.

If she never gets the dress or stops talking to you then she will take herself out of the wedding and you won't look like the bad friend/bridezilla who kicked her out while she was going through a rough time.

peaceistheway

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_this-one-again-sorry-major-vent-age?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4d398c06-bb94-46e9-bee3-258572dab38cPost:b703ca30-ebc0-4b3d-9567-b02cc4864861">Re: this one. again. (sorry, major vent-age)</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't want her as a friend then end the friendship. But really all a BM has to do is buy the dress, show up to the wedding, walk down the aisle, and stand there. If I were you I would just give her some space. If she isn't coming to you about her problems (which it sounds like she isn't since you've been hearing about them from other people) then don't try to talk to her about it. It seems pretty clear that she doesn't want your input at this point. I don't know why you need to know every detail of her life - just because she is your friend doesn't mean she has to tell you everything and it seems obvious that she doesn't want to. So just back off for awhile. Let her come to you on her own terms in her own time. If she never gets the dress or stops talking to you then she will take herself out of the wedding and you won't look like the bad friend/bridezilla who kicked her out while she was going through a rough time.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

i havent really bugged her at all about it. i'm just super concerned for her, she says i dont have a clue, but i do, and i think shes the one who has no clue what shes getting herself into, but regardless. i get that everyone has to learn their own lessons, so i'll take your advice and back off even further.

im not even expecting much out of her, its just annoying to have my mom and friends buggin and constantly reminding me about her uninvolvement. i can only shrug so much :/. im just getting concerned that she WONT buy the dress, and she WONT even come now.... biggest feeling on it is that shes just gonna ditch everyone and everything for this guy.

but yea. i guess in looking at the bigger picture, its really not my business. she can do what she wants with her life. im just bothered that i have to be the one in the gray area, probably to be left at the alter... not by my amazing groom, but by one of my best friends :(.

lame, but it is what it is.

sarah42nd

 Just remember you can only change your reactions/ actions to a situation and no one elses.  You can only ' be there' if she wants/ needs you there. Honeslty I would just go on with the wedding and just 'update' her with things that involve her  ( like getting the dress ) . If she doesn't get the dress by the date then she basically taking herself out of teh wedding.

vicki0508

Do you have dresses picked out already?  I'd send her the link and the deadline, and then leave it up to her.  If your letting her pick her own, then tell her a color and length, and be done with it.  Once you know the shower date, let her know when it is and that she's invited, and then it's up to her if she comes or participates or anything.

It seems like she has a lot going on in her own life right now, so she probably isn't really interested in your wedding.  I'd just continue to try to be in her life (as a friend, not as a bride), and see where it goes. 

I wouldn't demote her or kick her out, because that's a friendship ender, and she may need her friends in her life if something with this guy goes really wrong.

ADTonk

Well it seems like she isn't being MIA because she's not interested, or even lazy.  She has legitimate problems going on with her man (even if you don't support his decisions or hers) and needs to focus her attention on that.

If you still want to be friends with her and you still want her in your wedding, try to be there for her in other ways.  Give her a deadline for the dress and your color & length requirements and see if she complies.  That'll tell you whether she still wants to be in your wedding.

It sounds like she doesn't have great taste in men, but like you said, people have to learn for themselves.

HappinessByTheKilowatt

Your wedding is in October. You have plenty of time for her to get a dress. Don't stress about that. She probably doesn't see the urgency because there is none.

Withdrawal and detox can, in fact, cause stroke. It can cause a LOT of health problems, including insomnia, panic disorders, delirium, and all kinds of other really messed up things. Questioning the validity of their claim that he experienced a mild stroke is counter productive, as you can't really know for sure what is going on.

Your friend sounds like she is in love with someone who needs a lot of help, and could probably use some herself. She obviously doesn't understand what it means to be in a dependent relationship, and is learning the hard way. It's entirely up to you how you proceed with your friendship, but I wouldn't expect her to miraculously come to her senses one day. People with dependency problems are "users" and he will continue to use her as long as he is using and as long as she lets him. She will not hear anything you say to her about it, so all you can do is either walk away, or be her friend and keep your comments to a minimum, unfortunately. Gossiping about her with others though is only bound to be detrimental, should she find out. It's clear she doesn't want your input right now, so I would just let that be that, and continue to talk to her as if nothing is going on when the opportunity arises. When she is ready, she will come to you. If she doesn't, then she has essentially taken herself out of your wedding, and you don't have to worry about it anymore.

Melanie2012

I agree with PP's as far as anything wedding-related is concerned.  Her only real duty as a bridesmaid is to get the dress and show up - time will tell whether she's interested in actually being a part of the bridal party.  I would just say go about your wedding planning without placing any other kinds of expectations on her (I don't mean that in a snarky way - I only mean, don't get into the habit of assuming, "Ok, maybe Jane will be willing to help out with x...") - and that way you won't have any specific plans contingent on her.  To that extent, the relationship issues you're having with her shouldn't have any reason to affect your wedding planning, and wedding planning and projects don't have to play any role in your relationship with her.

But the main reason I wanted to comment is that I have had relationships with people similar to this (based on what I understand from your post), and while I don't feel I have any earth-shattering advice or revelations to offer, I wanted to give you a showing of support.  I have had a guy friend for a very long time who seems to have the same compulsion to lie about trivial things.  I've never understood it, and sadly, most of the time when he says something I find myself having to think, "Ok, which part of this should I believe?"  It has definitely put a strain on the friendship at times.  Currently we're not very close, but I'll always consider him an important friend in my life.

I also have a longtime friend who suffers from bipolar disorder - not that your friend is bipolar, but I have had a similar experience with this friend of mine where she withdrew from me and basically refused to talk to me about anything because she believed I wouldn't understand or would judge her, even though I always wanted to be there for her.  At one point it led to a huge fight between us.  Now we're almost as close as ever.  But before things got better, I had to resign myself to the fact that I was going to have to ease off, assure her that I'd be there when she wanted me, and let her decide when that would be.  And I did hit a very dark place where I thought maybe we were just done for good and had become too different and distant - thankfully, that was not the case.

I'm sorry for the hardship you're experiencing in this relationship.  I hope in time it will heal!