bridesmaid advice

maria41610

My best friend for the past 12 years has been a guy.  We have been close as brother and sister since college.  We even lived together for 5 years after college. 

We both have become engaged to other people.   I asked his fiance to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.  The reasoning being if he were my "real" brother most would probably have their sister-in-laws in the bridal party.  I also thought it would be a good show of respect for their relationship.  She came dress shopping with me and ordered her bridesmaid dress last month.  I thought things were going great.

I called her this week to find out if she wanted to go shoe shopping this weekend and replied that she already has plans for the weekend.  Turns out.....around Thanksgiving she chose her bridal party and today she is out shopping for dresses with her bridesmaids.  I have not been asked to be in the bridal party. 

I'll admit my feels are deeply hurt and in a way I am embarrassed . 

Am I making too big of a deal about this or is this a legitimate concern to have? 

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4eccff05-aa0f-4b99-bb13-93cf97ce5effPost:28977068-9ebc-439c-a2d2-94b1b878527c">bridesmaid advice</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend for the past 12 years has been a guy.  We have been close as brother and sister since college.  We even lived together for 5 years after college.  We both have become engaged to other people.   I asked his fiance to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.  The reasoning being if he were my "real" brother most would probably have their sister-in-laws in the bridal party.  I also thought it would be a good show of respect for their relationship.  She came dress shopping with me and ordered her bridesmaid dress last month.  I thought things were going great. I called her this week to find out if she wanted to go shoe shopping this weekend and replied that she already has plans for the weekend.  Turns out.....around Thanksgiving she chose her bridal party and today she is out shopping for dresses with her bridesmaids.  I have not been asked to be in the bridal party.  I'll admit my feels are deeply hurt and in a way I am embarrassed .  Am I making too big of a deal about this or is this a legitimate concern to have? 
Posted by maria41610[/QUOTE]
WPs aren't tit-for-tat.  You asking her doesn't obligate her to ask you.  From the way you tell it, you don't really know her that well and asked her just because she's engaged to him, so it would make sense that she wouldn't ask you because you don't sound that close.  I wonder why you didn't just ask him to stand up on your side, though I can't tell from your OP if he's even in the wedding or not.<div>
</div><div>Don't do anything like talk to her about it or kick her out--it will only hurt your relationship with your friend.  Just accept that you aren't BFFs, and that being in the wedding won't change that, and move on.  Invite her to things, but realize she may not want to attend (which is her right).  She's bought the dress, she's going to be in the wedding...she's doing everything required of her.  </div><div>
</div><div>It's fine if you feel a bit disappointed for a day, I won't deny you your feelings, but that's something you need to 1) get over after a day or two, and 2) keep to yourself.  Just like you wouldn't like someone acting like she's "owed" as spot in your WP, she wouldn't like it either.  You know what a personal choice it is to ask someone to be in the wedding, and it's not fair for anyone to question or meddle in that choice.</div>

SSaltzman87

I understand you feeling hurt, but like Brooke said-weddings aren't tit for tat. I wouldn't take it too personally, it's not worth being upset about for too long. You've got better things to focus on.

bethsmiles

There are a few reasons you should let this go:

1) WPs are not tit-for-tat (just because you asked her doesn't mean she needs to ask you)

2) You are not actually her FI's sister. Yes, you may be extremely close but in reality no matter how close you are you could never actually be his sister and you won't ever be her SIL

3) Many people don't even ask their FSIL's to be in the WP - its not a requirement

4) Your WP should be the people who are closest to YOU. You are close to her FI, not necessarily her. I also think you should've ask him to be in your BP not her, but its really too late for that.

It's fine that you felt hurt or disappointed but now you need to get over it and move on.

trix1223

Brooke is 100% right.  It actually would have made far more sense to have your friend in your WP, rather than his FI because you're closer to him than her.  Since that boat has left the dock, though, remember that she was under NO obligation to put you in her WP.  None at all.  So let it go and enjoy your wedding planning.

aerinpegadrak

Beth and Brooke are correct in every point.

graysquirrel

I understand how that would make you feel bad, but the other girls are right. She isn't obligated to pick you. I would try to look at the bright side of this. You don't have to buy a one-time-wear dress, spend money on getting your hair done, or have any awkward moments as a BM in a party of women you don't know. You can enjoy being a guest at your best friend's wedding. And maybe your friend will ask you to take on another role, like reader. Since she is marrying your best friend, I would try my best to keep things friendly with her. Maybe she feels that doesn't know you well enough now to ask you to take that role, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be your friend. 

mandylovesandy

Where does "tit for tat" even come from? It's such an awkward saying...

trix1223

Mandy:

http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/5/messages/1098.html

lalap69

I agree with PP.  I'm sorry that you're disappointed, but you should have asked the person you were close to, not their SO just so that the genders would be right.

It's too late for that though, so all you can really do is allow yourself to be disappointed for a little bit and then move on.

RastUmbarger

I agree with everything that's been said here. The other thing to keep in mind is that she may have a large number of close family and friends that she has already had to choose from... and adding in someone just because she's a bridesmaid in their wedding would've hurt other feelings too. My FI does NOT have my brother as one of my groomsmen, despite my mother's disappointment, and I fully back him up because we already have 6 friends on each side (which, a WP of 12 is the most I will do, because it's already a ridiculous size) because he has had the same 6 friends since he was in middle school. This may not be the case for her, but it's a possibility.

Just go and enjoy the fact that while you are spending money on your own wedding, you don't have to worry about simultaneously spending on her wedding... but that you still get to be a part of your BF's.

joiner521

She is competing. How shameful. You can both enjoy the moment.

courtney1188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4eccff05-aa0f-4b99-bb13-93cf97ce5effPost:42bf45b7-8642-4ad3-ad8e-9db3e7130dc6">Re: bridesmaid advice</a>:
[QUOTE]She is competing. How shameful. You can both enjoy the moment.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

This 'advice' makes absolutely no sense...how is she competing? And what moment??