Moms and Maids

BM/MOH Dress Issue....a bit long, sorry....

So, my wedding is in March, on the beach, and our theme is The Great Gatsby, colors are Royal Blue and Champagne, all things agreed upon by my Fiance' and I right at the beginning of our engagement (in February of this year), and told to my mother and MOH (younger sister) and BMs many many times.

My Mother, Sister, BMs and I all live in different states, so we knew from the beginning that dresses could get a little complicated, if we didn't go to a 'standard' shop. I wanted to give them all the option, though, of finding something they loved as long as they followed the 'guidelines' and we could agree that the color was either right on, or, if we found similar dresses in contrasting colors, we could do that. The guidelines are:

-Royal Blue
-Just above or below the knee
-A chiffon-like material (as my dress is a chiffon/lace, and the theme lends to more of a flowing idea-especially with the beach, etc.

That was it. This was told to everyone several months ago, and I sent several emails of ideas, specific dresses I liked, asked what they all thought, etc. Seemed that we were all on the same page, but no one had really been able to find anything similar enough in color, etc. for us to settle on a designer or anything else. After talking with my BMs, and Mother, as well as my MOH (younger sister, whose style is quite different from mine) we decided that David's Bridal would simply be the best option, as I had actually found several dresses there that fit the criteria, and they are in all of the states where we live.

Since it's 5 months away, and we have not been able to all (or any of us) go on a shopping trip for the dresses, and wont be able to until 2 months before the wedding, we decided that my Mom and sister would go together and try them all on, and, with pictures, narrow it down to 4, and pick which one my sister would like to wear.  About 2 weeks ago, my sister decided to (finally) look on the website and send me a few dresses that she liked.....

Each dress was a satin, cotton sateen, or other very straight material, had some kind of bubble skirt, and was several inches above the knee......obviously not any of the criteria which we have all agreed upon for months. I sent her a reply that said that, while the dresses were cute, and would look great on her, they did not fit any of the ideas that I had in mind, and again sent her the links to the dresses that I liked (which she had seen before, and had even picked out something similar on the jcrew site, but they did not carry the dresses in a similar color), and asked her to please look at them, as well.

Of course, she completely ignored my email, cried to my Mother, telling her that I don't like any of her ideas for my wedding, and that she hated not only the dresses that I had picked out, but also the color (even though she owns-and wears-3 dresses in the same color), and that I was stressing her out because our styles are so different (she's very modern and a bit rigid, and mine is very classic and easy going), etc......

Anyway, I sent my Mother the pictures of both of the dresses, and reiterated what we had all *known* (or so I thought) were the 'criteria' for the dresses that I wanted, but that I was willing to look at the other styles, but I really wanted her to try them all on (only about 7 or 8 total) and take pictures, and we could see what did and didn't work. Sounds pretty reasonable, right?

Today, the 2 of them went to the store (I was at work all day and couldn't get the photos until tonight, nor get to my phone, so I didn't know how any of it was going), and sent me photos of the dresses that were tried on, and which ones they liked. 

The only dresses tried on, were the ones that my sister picked out, and they decided that they liked them better in navy blue (which looks almost black in the material those dresses are in) than the color that we had picked out.....


WTF? I don't understand how I could have been more easy going and communicated better about it. My feeling was that, I am asking them to pay for a dress, I don't want to pick something out that they all hate, but the color looks gorgeous on all of the girls, and the styles I picked out had something flattering and lovely for each of them to choose from....should I just have gone and picked out 1 dress and said "Go try it on to make sure, send me a picture, and if there's nothing horrid about it, that's what you're wearing"?

I am in tears, and I don't get frustrated about this kind of crap, but I feel as if I am having to pander to the wishes of my MoH/sister for my own wedding. I've already had to put up with her moodiness about wanting to plan a bachelorette party, and then all of a sudden not wanting to, and getting excited about wedding stuff, and saying things like "Well, you're already living together, so it's not like it's that special."......I love my sister and I'm used to her inherent need to be the fashion/trend queen of the family, and moodiness, etc. but she's giving me no help-and my mother seems to be encouraging her lack of 'understanding' about my wishes for my wedding....

am I being unreasonable? I honestly don't get it.....

Re: BM/MOH Dress Issue....a bit long, sorry....

  • TheCranberryTheCranberry member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    GIve it a day or so and then re-visit it.  Decide how important the color and material of the dress is to you and then stick with that decision.  You may have to tell your sister that she will need to compromise for this one day because this is the theme you've picked for your wedding.  You may even have to choose 3-4 dresses and ask them to buy the one they like best.  You seem like you're being pretty reasonable in terms of giving them options within your theme. 

    Did she explain why she wanted to change the fabric?  Is it just a matter of personal taste?
  • edited December 2011
    I think your criteria are perfectly reasonable. I wonder if there is something else going on to cause friction here, but in any case... you say she is the MOH, so if there is absolutely no way to compromise and get her in the color and fabric you want, it is not unheard of for the MOH to wear a different color or dress entirely. For what it's worth, my girls will be in all different shades and the MOH, my cousin, is wearing a patterned dress.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    I was similar when deciding my BM dresses.  I wanted them to pick something they liked, or at least do not hate wearing.  Being all very different in personalities and tastes nothing could be decided on.  Finally my MOH sat me down and let me know that being TOO open to any and all ideas was not helping.  It went much better when I decided on a couple of dresses, color and length.

    I would suggest going with your sister and perhaps having her try on both the styles you and she likes.  Honestly, if she is that uncomforable in the dresses you picked it will show in how she wears them.  She SHOULD be able to suck it up and wear a dress you pick for a single day.  But it does not look like she is going to be able to do that.  You may have to be the bigger person/more adult and come up with a compromise that both of you can live with.

    I am sure It is disappointing to go through this after it seemed everyone was on the same page on dresses.  I agree with Allie that something else is probably going on with your sister.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ki10ki10 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    When you say that she already has 3 whole dresses in the correct color that she already likes, I wonder why she can't just wear one of them. They may not be quite the right style, but at least they're the right color, unlike this navy blue problem. Since she's the MoH, it won't be strange for her to be wearing a different style than the other girls, and might make her feel special, which might assuage her craziness, and could be the inital cause of her desire to be "different" that led to her picking outside your suggestions. You didn't mention how your other girls are reacting, but they seem more reasonable, and easier to coax into the dresses you were originally thinking.

    While your critera aren't unreasonable, I do think you're inviting unnecessary stress on yourself by caring about whether the hand of the fabric fits the theme. At least she hit the correct color and length (and not everyone's good at seeing stuff like whether it's flowy or not, so she may not have understood why you were upset at her choices when they fit the technical criteria) initially, and I can guarantee no guest would find a different style of BM dress in the same color and length out of place or theme.
  • edited December 2011
    what do you care about more: getting married and spending your entire life with your fiance or the colors taht your loved ones will wear? IS it REALLY that important for you that the shade is perfect? or is it more important that they will be  comfortable and will be enjoying themselves to the fullest?
    Bottom line is - if you want her to wear that YOU want her to wear, than YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT! NOT HER! no one is obliged to pay for anything they do not like just because you want them to, be it your sister, your friend or anyone else
    If your budget is tight - buy them an affordable dress from a regular store in any mall in your area.  If that option still doesn't satidfy you - look above: let them wear what they will feel fabulous in.

    PS: i don't mean to be rude, but seriously, us brides get too caught up in unnecessary worries way to often.
    I am buying dresses for my bridesmaids just to eliminate that silly drama altogether. 
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think that you need to either pick a designer who has options in their price range and ask them to choose from there, or accept the fact that the dresses might not match exactly.  Telling them that they can choose any dress they want as long as it's THIS EXACT COLOR, and leaving it up to them to try to figure out that exact color or find out if it even exists, is just really unfair and increases the burden on all of you instead of decreasing it. 

    Ultimately, you're going to have to decide what's more important: two yards of fabric that will be worn for five hours, or your sister.  That's really what this boils down to.  If you were really as easygoing as you claim to be, this would never even have been an issue.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards