unusual celebration

soontoberetired

My daughter is having a VERY small wedding/reception with only 35 people, mostly friends.  I would like to have a celebration a month or two following the wedding in which I can invite family and our friends to share in our joy. Is it rude to include  gift registry information when none of these people were invited to the original wedding/reception?

Thanks for any help/suggestions.

marissa_claire

It's rude to include the registry info either way.  That's info that they should be seeking out because they wish to get your daughter a present, not because you push it on them (which is how it will look.)  

If she's having a larger reception down the road, it should really only be done if she's eloping or if her husband's about to be deployed.  Because otherwise I would also say it's rude to have a ceremony later when people were not invited to the ceremony.  

waltzingmatilda13

You can throw whatever parties you want, but I wouldn't associate it with your daughter's wedding in any way. I think it would just rub it in their faces that they weren't invited to the wedding/reception itself. So I would definitely not include any registry information.

BeeBee22

The previous posters are correct. Having a party a month after the wedding for the uninvited and treating it like a 'reception' is considered very poor etiquette.  The reception immediately follows the ceremony and is a thank you to the guests for attending. I suggest looking around these boards (particularly the Etiquette board), as this sort of thing is discussed exhaustively.

As this is not a reception, any version of a registry would be tacky.  

If you want to have a "meet the newlyweds" get together (no gifts), that's fine.

As a general note, registry information is never included in an invitation. 

(edited for clarity)

ehathewa

I think calling it a reception is fine, and having a registry is fine too.  But it is impolite to put registry information in an invitation. 

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unusual-celebration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:578a4b60-1f21-4d91-a7c4-4886a7b7fef0Post:a78615b2-781d-4a03-8be1-962965f5fa68">Re: unusual celebration</a>:
[QUOTE]You can throw whatever parties you want, but I wouldn't associate it with your daughter's wedding in any way. I think it would just rub it in their faces that they weren't invited to the wedding/reception itself. So I would definitely not include any registry information.
Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

This, This, This. Just have a party where you can introduce them as husband and wife to family. If it comes up, they can explain from there that it was a very small intimate ceremony.

My brother and SIL did the same thing (wedding of 24 people). Immediately after the fact extended family found out they were married and they were hurt that they weren't invited. Some family members are just finding out 1.5 years later and are still a little hurt. I think having a second reception just one month after the wedding will hurt more because it will rub their noses in the fact that they weren't important enough to be invited in the first place.

lalap69

You never include registry information in invitations.

Throw your party, but don't call it a reception.  Your daughter is already having one of those on her wedding day, and it's rude to the people who weren't invited to that one.

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unusual-celebration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:578a4b60-1f21-4d91-a7c4-4886a7b7fef0Post:b810a3c5-498c-41bc-a823-326f849643bd">unusual celebration</a>:
[QUOTE]My daughter is having a VERY small wedding/reception with only 35 people, mostly friends.  I would like to have a celebration a month or two following the wedding in which I can invite family and our friends to share in our joy. Is it rude to include  gift registry information when none of these people were invited to the original wedding/reception? Thanks for any help/suggestions.
Posted by soontoberetired[/QUOTE]

Highlighting the time frame doesn't change what anyone here has said. It's not like a small DW where people don't have the time/money to attend, but would have been invited otherwise. Your daughter and her FI chose to have a very intimate wedding and it looks very rude to host a large reception later and basically just ask for gifts. The reception is the most expensive part of a wedding, not the ceremony, so if they wanted a big wedding and couldn't afford it you could have offered to pitch in.

aerinpegadrak

Registry information should never go on the invitation for anything unless it's specifically a gift-giving event, like a baby shower.  And even then some people will give it the side-eye.

As far as the party thing, if it's a destination wedding, then the second party is usually more acceptable.  We did a family-only DW and hosted a party a few months later, but the party wasn't really a reception.  The invitations called it a party celebrating the "end of summer and beginning of [our] marriage", and the party itself was pretty much just sitting on the beach with some Hawaiian BBQ, sheet cake, and kites.  A full-blown reception, with the dress and tosses and spotlight dances and all, would be extremely inappropriate.

It sounds like this second party is more for you to show off and invite your friends, anyway.  You should respect what your daughter wants for her wedding and not try to drag her into it.  She wants a small wedding, let it go.

trix1223

Sorry:  I'm agreeing with other posters.  Your DD is already having a reception for her wedding.  It doesn't matter if it's 10 people, 35 people, or 200 people.  The reception follows the ceremony, and is a thank you for those who are attending the wedding.

So your party, one month later for people who didn't make the first cut as guests just comes off as sloppy seconds, IMO. 

Have a get together for friends. Have a picnic.  Have a BBQ.  Have a cocktail party.  Have a superbowl party.  Have a Christmas party.   Invite your DD and new SIL.  Just don't call it anything wedding related.  And since it's not wedding related, including registry info isn't necessary or advised.

This is how those invited might react to your plan:  if I'm not thought of enough to be invited to the wedding, why would I be expected to buy a gift for them a month after their ceremony?  It's how I'd react.

lisab613

i basically disagree with almost all of PP. people have these bigger parties all the time for destination weddings, and it's not usually considered rude. maybe you shouldn't call it a reception. my cousin had a very very small wedding in which many family members weren't invited -- not destination, just her choice. since the family still wanted to celebrate, they hosted a "marriage party" a few weeks later and everyone could come. it was more relaxed and more what they wanted, which was the most important thing.
back to the registry, though: you really aren't supposed to put that stuff "on" the invitation, but i have seen a lot of people stick those little cards in the envelope that say "the couple is registered at" wherever. you could also not put it on there at all, people will ask if they want.
my advice -- have whatever party you want to. people that know you, your family and the bride well won't consider it rude, they'll get it. those who won't understand might not come -- so what?

BeeBee22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unusual-celebration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:578a4b60-1f21-4d91-a7c4-4886a7b7fef0Post:1490d0d5-1076-48af-9b4c-1230c50f04fc">Re: unusual celebration</a>:
[QUOTE] back to the registry, though: you really aren't supposed to put that stuff "on" the invitation, but i have seen a lot of people stick those little cards in the envelope that say "the couple is registered at" wherever. you could also not put it on there at all, people will ask if they want. my advice -- have whatever party you want to. people that know you, your family and the bride well won't consider it rude, they'll get it. those who won't understand might not come -- so what?
Posted by lisab613[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Op, don't listen to this.  Lisab, putting the registry cards in the envelopes IS putting registry info in the invitation and is a cardinal etiquette breach.  Just because you don't know that doesn't mean it's not true.</div><div>
</div><div>Additionally, yes, people WILL consider it rude, but will likely not tell you to our face. It's better to learn a little more about the rules of etiquette before giving etiquette advice. 

</div>

MairePoppy

Don't do it! We had a similar situation in our family. It was very insulting to receive the gift request although we did not make the cut for the wedding. We had planned on sending a gift, but had second thoughts after receiving that invitation.

Have a party to introduce you new SIL to your family. But please don't include the registry information. It wouldn't be appropriate even if the family members were being invited to the wedding. If they want to know about a registry, they will ask.

lisab613

no need to get snarky, BeeBee, I just disagree. I've gotten those cards and I was not insulted. That was what the OP asked, not whether she should have the party in the first place, which seems to be what everyone is focused on.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unusual-celebration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:578a4b60-1f21-4d91-a7c4-4886a7b7fef0Post:14175cc9-3e6d-49c0-b878-f32ee1375ab0">Re: unusual celebration</a>:
[QUOTE]no need to get snarky, BeeBee, I just disagree. I've gotten those cards and I was not insulted. That was what the OP asked, not whether she should have the party in the first place, which seems to be what everyone is focused on.
Posted by lisab613[/QUOTE]
It's fine that you've never been insulted, but the rules of etiquette say that it's entirely inappropriate.  Just because you've personally always been okay with it doesn't mean that other people are. 

theta_bombshell

My Fiance's brother did this. they decided to get married in vegas with just a handful of people. I now his family was very hurt by it. Hence why we are making our wedding a big deal and including them in everything. One of his autns and cousins didnt even make it to the "reception". And in my opinion... it was tacky.

But we went. We didnt buy them anything. I dont think you should include the registry. If the guests want to buy something then they will. And I wouldnt call it a reception.