I'm MatronOH, My feelings are hurt...Need advice, long.

KLMFBP3

Hi.

I usually post more on the Bump.  But, I need to know if I am over reacting or if my feelings are justified.

History:  I am the Matron of honor in my SIL wedding on 11/4/11.  I have THREE kids, 4 year old, 3 year old, and now a 4 month old.  My SIL got engaged 5 days AFTER I had my 3rd child on 10/15/10, and asked me to be her MOH.  I said yes.

I knew saying yes, I would have to sacrafice time away from my kids and I accepted that.  But, I also knew this was my last baby, so I really didn't want to miss the baby times we have.

I have been to and done many wedding things for my SIL since she's gotten engaged...(all WITH OUT my baby/kids)  IE:  Bridal shows, get togethers at Brides house to go over church things, guest lists, pamplets etc, I've gone to photography meetings with her, looked at bridesmaids dresses etc.

WELL...Today was supposed to be the day we first went Bridal dress shopping.    When she first aked me to go...She set the date for a saturday afternoon and it was just supposed to be me and her mom.  When she told me the date, I had another appointment in the a.m. with my 3 year old so I was going to be away from my daughter all morning.  SO...before I said YES to the bride, I may have asked her over 10 times, does she mind if I bring the baby because I would be away from her for over 6 hours with out breastfeeding or pumping...and I couldn't do that.  SO, I asked and reasked in different ways if it was ok if I brought my 4 month old (who is good - really just sleeps and eats.)    The bride said yes I could bring her every single time and was even excited that her neice/god-daughter was going to be there.

Fast forward to 3 days ago....

Bride comes over and says to me "So, I just wanna let you know, if you bring Kinsley, it's going to cause issues."

Of course I asked why and she precedes to tell me that, NOW, after talking to her 7 other bridesmaids, that she invited all of the other maids to go as well because she was excited and wanted everyone to be involved (which I TOTALLY understand...not upset about that.)  And, she asked her future MIL to go and her step mom.  Again, that's not the issue, the more the merrier.  The issue is...she told her 2 other maids that have babies, that they could NOT bring their babies.  She didn't want them there and if I brought Kinsley - it would cause problems and issues between everyone.

So, I explained to her again about my prior appt, and how I could NOT be away form baby that long and she said, well, maybe she would reschedule, so it was just back to it being me, her mom and baby.   I let her know, I would not be able to go if I could not bring baby.  She said, she'd think about it and "text" me later.

Well, she text me an hour later and says "I know your annoyed, but maybe next weekend we can go to Catans, just me, you and Kinsley" (which, next weekend I could leave baby home...I have nothing to do next weekend.)  I did not text her back because I was so upset.  My feelings are so hurt.

And, so I sit here - typing and crying - instead of being at the bridal shop with everyone else, seeing her in a gown for the first time EVER.  I am so upset that I am missing this moment...but I am also mad at her and truly upset.

I don't know if I'm over reacting or not but I am truly saddened.  I do not know how to bring it up to her - she's the type to get defensive and walk away and I want her to know how I feel. 

Should I sit her down face to face, write her a letter and email...text her and say I want to talk?  I haven't responded to her text b/c I'm upset she told me via text and I feel like she chose basically everyone else over me...her MOH.

Sorry this is so long...if you've made it here - thanks for reading...any advice would be great.  And don't worry , I have my big girl panties on - so I can handle critism as well..just needed to a. vent and b. see how others see it!  Thanks again for reading!

deepcovejackie

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, and I can understand why you're feeling left out.  It sucks that the plans changed, and you couldn't take your daughter.  I'm a Mom too, and really, you can't leave a breastfeeding infant that long at 4 months of age.  I know that, and you know that.  Point is, does the bride know that?  Basically you had a choice to make and you chose your baby.  No-brainer.

I think though, that it was unintentional on the part of the bride to put you in that position.  I don't think it was meant to hurt you.  She sounds like she's trying to make up for it by arranging another time for you.

Have a little cry, and then go on.  I don't think you need to say anything to her at all.

sister2groom

I'm not a huge fan of the way she handled things, I do think she should have done something other than text you bringing your baby was going to cause "issues." Also, I think it would have been much nicer to just let everyone bring their babies, instead of not letting you bring yours.

However, I do agree with pp that she did try to make it up to you by going out with just the three of you and it doesn't seem like a deliberate attempt to not include you. Thoughtless and slightly rude? Yes. Something to hold a grudge over? Not really.

I do think if you realy need to talk to her about it you can, but say something short and sweet more like "I was really looking forward to this and I was kind of hurt you changed your mind a few days before the appointment mabout y baby coming, which meant I couldn't come" rather than making a big deal by sending her and email or letter.

nannewmur

I agree with pp that she did not handle it appropriately and attempted to make it up after she allowed it to turn into a circus.  Seriously, picking out a bridal gown is not a spectator/team sport and if you have 10+ people there, you are heading for disaster!!  I can understand wanting a few opinions  but 10+ is out of control, IMHO. 

You don't say this, but I assume bride does not have a child.  Until you have a young child and breastfeed, it is kind of hard to understand how breastfeeding  controls your schedule and if you can't feed or pump, how uncomfortable it is.

I say you let yourself cool down before speaking/texting her so you don't say something that you might regret later.  Then, calmly talk to her and explain how bf dictates your  schedule and while you thought you had made appropriate arrrangements  by asking her to bring DD along, you were hurt with the final outcome.  Also, you hope that clear communications in the future don't lead to hurt feelings because she is very important to you.  It may be better aying this face to face, although it may be tough, because she can then see how it has hurt you.  GL!!

KLMFBP3

THANK YOU for the advice.  no she does not have children.  It just hurts because i am seeing "updates" on facebook of everything that is going on and the dresses etc.  i do want to talk to her and tell her i was upset...but i do not want her to think i am making it about me i know its her wedding and "all about her" but i think i do need to communicate with her how this made me feel and how future situations may go.  sorry for run on sentence...knotting from my phone 

GoodLuckBear14

You are also a mom whose children come first.  I'm sorry that she couldn't see this or understand that you have more demands and constraints on your time.  If she was planning on bringing that many people with her to shop for her dress, she's not serious about finding it yet - she's still in dress up mode.  When you take mom and maybe one other person, you are serious.

You are handling this better than I would be.  I used to live in Lakewood and the only thing that would have kept me from becoming a blubbering mess while yelling at SIL would have been a Hot Italian grilled cheese at Melt Bar & Grill (God, I miss their sandwiches).

I would wait until you can talk about this without becoming emotional (I know, easier said than done) and then ask her to meet you for coffee when you both have a free half hour or so.  I think it's really sweet that you want to be this involved with her wedding and hope she can appreciate this enough to take your time constraints into consideration.

VRL

I would be extremely hurt if I was in your position; you're definitely not off base with your feelings.

She should have honoured your original agreement, regardless of the changes to the attendee list. She should have also extended the option to her other BMs to bring their babies. As far as I'm concerned, if she didn't want all of the BMs' babies at the bridal salon, she should not have invited all of the BMs.

That being said, I don't think I'd stage an intervention to discuss the matter with her. If, as you've said, she's not one to take constructive criticism well, I think you'll only be causing more issues for yourself in the long run.

I would respond by text and tell her the following:

'Yes, I am annoyed that our originally agreed upon plans have changed - and I'm upset that I've been excluded as a result.'

It's truthful and to the point, but not overly dramatic, IMO. Hopefully, by reading it, she will be rightfully shamed by her actions and will apologize.

Either way, after I sent the text, I wouldn't bring it up again unless this became a regular pattern of behavior.

KLMFBP3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-matronoh-feelings-hurtneed-advice-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:59337a3e-a4f0-4318-978f-83607c3b8c0ePost:91ee89bd-cef2-4760-91e5-ac397c2aa137">Re: I'm MatronOH, My feelings are hurt...Need advice, long.</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be extremely hurt if I was in your position; you're definitely not off base with your feelings. She should have honoured your original agreement, regardless of the changes to the attendee list. She should have also extended the option to her other BMs to bring their babies. As far as I'm concerned, if she didn't want all of the BMs' babies at the bridal salon, she should not have invited all of the BMs. That being said, I don't think I'd stage an intervention to discuss the matter with her. If, as you've said, she's not one to take constructive criticism well, I think you'll only be causing more issues for yourself in the long run. I would respond by text and tell her the following: <strong><u>'Yes, I am annoyed that our originally agreed upon plans have changed - and I'm upset that I've been excluded as a result.'</u></strong> It's truthful and to the point, but not overly dramatic, IMO. Hopefully, by reading it, she will be rightfully shamed by her actions and will apologize. Either way, after I sent the text, I wouldn't bring it up again unless this became a regular pattern of behavior.
Posted by VRL[/QUOTE]

Actually that is quick and too the point and it does let her know I was offened and upset.

Yes, I take my role as MOH very seriously.  My SIL is like a real sister too me and because this happened is the reason I am so upset.  I wanted to be there for the first time she ever tried on a wedding gown.

I have been planning the wedding shower and bach. parties since the next day after being asked to be MOH.  I have made her personalized wedding planner organizers, gotten favors, bach. party attire...planned and planned, been there for almost all other events....but this was a special one to me and it really just sucks I missed it.

Guess I gotta get over it huh, suck it up...and move on.  But, like you've all said...I do want her to at least know I was hurt and move on from it.  Ugh...I wasn't even this stressed out over my OWN wedding.

Facebook update sucked too b/c I got to see the BM dresses she picked out and wasn't even there to help :(  Ok, pitty party is over lol

VRL

I think it's great that you're so attached to the Bride, and are so willing to help her with her wedding.

Just becareful: don't let yourself be taken advantage of. You're not required to help as much as you have been; it's great if you're doing it because you want to - but don't feel like you have to.

Personally, if one of my BMs was going out of her way to help me as much as you've been helping her, I would bend over backwards to make sure that my BM was around for whichever events were important to her

It might be time to start making yourself less available to help the Bride. I don't mean to cut yourself off from her all together,  but your occasional absence may remind her just how much you've done for her - and that it's time she starts reciprocating.

To her credit, she does appear to realize she's being a bad friend on this and is trying to extend the olive branch of a get together next weekend. That realization and attempt to make amends goes a long way in my books.

StephieBow

Ultimately you had to decide between baby and bride and you chose baby - which is the right decision.

I don't think the Bride handled it all that well but she did offer another outing which included you and the baby...which means she didn't do this to intentionally hurt you.

I think what you're also upset about is the fact that because of your other important responsibilities you're missing out on some other "fun" things and are reminded of it while you're at home - perfectly reasonable.  That said, I'm sure the bride understands why you had to miss out and I would bet she feels bad that she had to go back on a promise to you.

That said, with all those BMs I don't think she's serious about making the choice. I had a hard enough time with just shopping with my mom.  After I purchased the dress, I took my FMIL and MOH (with my mom) to see it... and my MOH was excited about that.  I know that you'll see her in her gown before the big day but I don't think all the other BMs will - she's still playing dress up!

Chin up, it will all work out... the problem is you are SO eager to help.  Your SIL better feel lucky because the number of people on this boards who are sad that their MOHs do absolutely nothing is incredible!

mathoms

It breaks my heart that you are so upset; it sounds like you have a very special relationship with your SIL. I also think that you should get an award for greatest MOH, because my best friend is my MOH and all she's done so far is come to a tasting!

That being said, if I were you, I'd try my best to reserve judgment andthe urge to tell her how she "should" have acted, because the reality is that she got herself into a no-win situation.  There was pretty much no way out of the situation without hurting somebody, and sometimes those closest to us are the easiest ones to hurt (especially if she is worried about inconveniencing her FMIL).

This situation makes your friend look very selfish, but I'll bet her real crime is that she's trying to please everybody (which we all know is impossible).  I think that if she is that perceptive to the potential hurt feelings "lesser" maids, there is no way she isn't devastated by your absence during the dress shopping.  I even wonder if the FB updates are an ill-conceived attempt to make you feel included (clueless, I know). 

You have done a lot for your SIL, and I think that you should let her know that your feelings were hurt, and you would like to work together to make sure that a situation like this doesn’t happen again.  Do your best not to dwell on this though, because though you deserve to be treated better, if you share all of your feelings of anger and betrayal, you are going to sour her memory of trying on wedding dresses for the first time, and you will feel awful for taking that away from her.Also, give yourself a break from taking on ALL those duties; one of the few benefits of having that many bridesmaids is that there are 14 hands for your SIL to hold through the countless decisions that need to be made!

KLMFBP3

WELL........

It all came to a head this morning.  She TEXTED me again that she was p*ssed I didn't text her on saturday after noon to see how her dress shopping was going and how she was mad that I didn't try to call her etc etc etc.

I then told her I was upset and my feelilngs were just as hurt yadda yadda yadda And she says to me

But, it's not about you - it's about me, I'm the bride.

And I guess with that statement I realized this argument was going to go no where - SO I just told her they were my feelings, I couldn't control them, I am not going to keep them in any more so that way it doesn't get to "this" point anymore.

It ended on a semi good note.  She said she would never for get the weekend she first went shopping for her dress as a sad moment now b/c her MOH wasn't there.  I told her I was sorry for ruining her moment and would step down as MOH.  She said no no no...and we kinda made up from there.

Tomorrow - her and I - are just going to go to another bridal shop, even though she FOUND her bridal dress and her bridesmaids dresses and I wasn't even there to help at all.

yes, I'm still sad - but I guess it's just something I gotta get past and as some of the PP have said, maybe not be SOOOOo involved and have the others help too.

Thanks again for all your advice.  I really hope I wasn't being MOH-zilla LOL

mathoms

You are a good friend; I hope my MOH is as understanding  as you are, when I inevitably do my crazy bride things.

StephieBow

Thanks for the update... at least it ended on a semi good note.

She honestly can't expect you to be there for everything - even if you both want that to happen, it's going to be relatively impossible.  People have responsibilities, get sick, have family to attend to etc... it's perfectly reasonable to not be around at all.

I still stand by my original comment that I hope that she understand how lucky she is to have an MOH like you and doesn't take advantage of that or make you feel bad for missing something once in awhile.  Afterall, she is right (though I twist her meaning) - she's the bride, it's HER responsibility to get everything done

KLMFBP3

Ugh...wtf - I am starting to think I'm a joke to her.

Do I tell her this and if so how...b/c it really does need to be addressed. 

Again..after this whole situation...and after us, I thought, being okay...I texted her and asked her if she wanted to go to a small bridal shop today just me and her and just look (b/c she said she still wanted to look even though she did find dresses)

So...I text her and ask her if she wants to go this afternoon.

She texts back YES!!!  For sure.  SHe's cleaning now...and will text me a "little" later when she's done.

NEVER GOT A TEXT!!!  NEVER.

INSTEAD...She calls her Mom (my MIL - who I happen to be with all day b/c we were visiting my mom that morning/early afternoon who was just released from hospital)

And...Tells HER mom that she is not gonna be able to make it.  Never even texts me she isn't gonna be "up to it."  Then, she calls her mom a little later to ask what weekends I have off so her and I can plan a day.

Hello - my phone works.  WTF, I really am starting to get angry and I know she's gonna pull the "I'm the bride...I can do what ever I want" like she basically did - and I just accepted it. 

Ok, vent over...need to regroup, rethink and replan how I plan on going about this.

joiner521

You have to understand that this is her show and her plans should not revolve around you. I know you love your children but you being mommy is not her problem. Her focus is planning her wedding. The thing is is that anytime wedding related things go on, the whole wedding party seems like they have to accomodate you. Not fair.

KLMFBP3

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-matronoh-feelings-hurtneed-advice-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:59337a3e-a4f0-4318-978f-83607c3b8c0ePost:cd0d4ebe-ad26-445e-abbc-e78733ae2d08">Re: I'm MatronOH, My feelings are hurt...Need advice, long.</a>:
[QUOTE]You have to understand that this is her show and her plans should not revolve around you. I know you love your children but you being mommy is not her problem. Her focus is planning her wedding. The thing is is that anytime wedding related things go on, the whole wedding party seems like they have to accomodate you. Not fair.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>being a mommy is not a "problem"  it is an honor.  the wedding party does not feel like they have to accomodate me...there are 5 other ppl in the party with children and kids...i am the only one who is currently nursing.  and there were other bm's who missed the dress shopping event...i was only saying, being moh...i really wanted to be there.  but i do understand this is her wedding and her show, that is why i am trying not upset her and i do no expect plans to revolve around me...but when plans are broken bc of her breaking them, she shouldnt be mad at me for physically not being able to be there.  </div>

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-matronoh-feelings-hurtneed-advice-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:59337a3e-a4f0-4318-978f-83607c3b8c0ePost:cd0d4ebe-ad26-445e-abbc-e78733ae2d08">Re: I'm MatronOH, My feelings are hurt...Need advice, long.</a>:
[QUOTE]You have to understand that this is her show and her plans should not revolve around you. I know you love your children but you being mommy is not her problem. Her focus is planning her wedding. The thing is is that anytime wedding related things go on, the whole wedding party seems like they have to accomodate you. Not fair.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

This is horrible advice.  Nobody is saying that plans should revolve around the MOH.  The Bride however needs a serious attitude check.  The day stops being "Her Day" as soon as she invites a single person to the wedding.  The WP is not required to do anything more than show up sober on the day, walk down the aisle and smile.

If you look at OP's siggy, she has clearly had her own wedding and the last person she needs a lecture from that "being a mommy is not [the bride's] problem" and that it's not fair that a mother of three has to be accommodated is someone who has never been through planning a wedding - and probably doesn't have three kids.  I'd venture that OP knows more about these things than you and I.

I stand my my original advice though that this an an attitude problem with the bride and she needs to check it.  If offering to step down as MOH didn't get her attention, I don't think anything short of her FI telling her she's turning into a b-tch is going to change things.  Good luck.