New Twist: Mom Vs. Half-Sister

vintage610

Hi again,

Many of you commented on an earlier post I made asking for advice about a sticky situation. My mom had told me she is very uncomfortable with my asking my sister (dad's daughter from a previous marriage) to my small 40-person wedding.

Last weekend I sat down to talk with her. I explained that I really want to invite my sister,and  that since I am inviting my mom's daughters from previous marriages she shouldn't mind, and that she wouldn't have to talk with my sister except to say "Hi, nice to see you. Enjoy the buffet."

She was completely irrational and told me she is not going to attend my wedding if my half-sister is there. She even cornered my fiance and told him that she will do "anything" in the world for me and that she loves me very much but will not be coming to the wedding if we invite J*******.

I am so completely disappointed in my mom and pissed off that she is trying to manipulate my decision by giving me an ultimatum.

On the one hand, I feel like telling my mom where to stick it and telling her not to bother coming to the wedding.

Then again, perhaps I should just give in and explain to my sister that I can't invite her in order to smooth this over.

But both my fiance and I are concerned that if we give in now, my mom will think she can have us do anything she wants just by threatening not to come to the wedding.

Help!

aerinpegadrak

"Sorry, Mom, you'll be missed."

If she's really petty enough to miss her daughter's wedding over this, she's the one who'll have to live with that.  Don't give in.

trix1223

Ditto.  Give it one last college try.  And if she tries the "I'm not coming!" threat, call her bluff.  Simply shake your head (a little sadly) and say "Im sorry to hear that mom.  We'll really miss you.  But should you change your mind, there will be a place for you at our wedding and reception".

That way you're letting her know that the ball is completely in her court now.  If she changes her mind,she can still attend.  If she doesn't....her loss. 

And as a mom, I have to say that I would crawl over hot coals laced with broken glass to be at my kids' weddings.  I don't care who else is there.  Nothing would keep me from that moment in my childrens' lives.

Good luck, vintage.  I'm so sorry you're being put in this position.  I'ts really not at all fair to you and your FI.

sarah42nd

I agree with the PPs. Stand your ground now because if you don't she will just walk all over you . Especially when you have her grandchildren .

AutumnFair

Stand your ground and call her bluff. Your mom needs to get over her hate from her Ex. Basically she is an adult and can make whatever choice. But go with what these ladies said, "I'm sorry to hear that hate for one person that did nothing to you is greater than the love for your daughter. You will be missed if you decided not to come."

I seriously doubt that she will not go, I'm thinking that she is trying to manipulate you and your FI into getting her way. Do not give in to this very bad behavior because she will only do these kinds of things to you both forever.

Lisa8888

Your mother is irrational and a drama queen. I would tell her if she doesn't want to show up then don't show up. All she is doing is trying to control you. It would be wrong of you not to invite your sister and it would also be wrong to your father. You would be just as nutty as your mother if you go along with her.

skippylouwho

Not only this: Simply shake your head (a little sadly) and say "Im sorry to hear that mom.  We'll really miss you.  But should you change your mind, there will be a place for you at our wedding and reception".

But this:

Simply shake your head, a little sadly and say "I'm sorry to hear that, mom. I'm very disappinted in you. We'll miss you but should you change your mind, there will be a place for you at our wedding and receptin."

Muffin'sMom

What they all said...with one addition:

Once you say all of that, refuse to discuss it again.  If she brings it up, quietly say,"Mom, we've already discussed that and you know my decision."  Then hang up, walk away, change the subject, offer bean dip...just don't discuss it.  She will try...trust me.  My mom is an Olympic Gold Medalist in the art of emotional waterboarding.  Stay strong!!!  It will be hard now but worth it in the long run.

MairePoppy

You are so right. If you give in, it will only be the beginning of threats and demands.

Everyone gave such good advice, I have nothing to add. I just want to tell you to stay strong and wish you good luck.

suz62984

I completely agree. Do not give in because the threats and demands will continue to come along. She also seems to be testing you and your FI to see which one is the weakest. It's like a child that doesn't get something from mommy so they go try daddy to see if they are on a united front or not.

"Mom, this isn't a decision I made lightly. I would like to invite her. I really hope that you reconsider and will attend my wedding; however if you choose not too you will be missed greatly."

Starlight Kel

She is trying to make it YOUR decision, you just need to make hers.  Either she acts her age and comes to the wedding or she doesn't.  Don't let her give you the ultimatum.  I have a rule that who ever gives the ultimatum is the one that loses! 
I'm sure she will come to the wedding either way and if she doesn't then that is what she has to live with!  Good luck, Sorry you are in such a bad position.

deepcovejackie

I agree with the above posters.  They all gave great advice.  It must be very hard to be in your position, but hold your ground.  Good luck.

joiner521

iT IS NOT YOUR MOTHERS DAY, DECISION, WEDDING OR LIFE. SHE NEEDS TO GET OVER HERSELF. I WOULD SEND HER ASS A DVD OF IT.

Bridgebo117

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_new-twist-mom-vs-half-sister?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5c111364-af52-4030-b80d-15eb9343a062Post:7c795eef-7bcc-4bd6-9a63-95accb674e0e">Re: New Twist: Mom Vs. Half-Sister</a>:
[QUOTE]What they all said...with one addition: Once you say all of that, refuse to discuss it again.  If she brings it up, quietly say,"Mom, we've already discussed that and you know my decision."  Then hang up, walk away, change the subject, offer bean dip...just don't discuss it.  She will try...trust me. <strong><em><u> My mom is an Olympic Gold Medalist in the art of emotional waterboarding.</u></em></strong>  Stay strong!!!  It will be hard now but worth it in the long run.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

That has got to be the absolute best thing I've read.  My mother is the same way. Big fight last night. Tears shed, names called (i'm an unloving and unlovable little c*** who has done nothing but betray my mother my entire life....) and feelings hurt.

I am so sorry to hear about this dilemma.  Its easy to sit and wonder, "why can't my mom just love the fact I'm happy and getting married? Why can't she just be NORMAL!?"  Im sure we all have a friend's mother who is stellar and loving and helpful, and we just wonder what we did to get shafted with our own sometimes.  Bottom line is, its your day and you've just got to make yourself and fiance happy.  Its hard to do, but I honestly don't know if I'd be hurt if the volitle ones didn't show up to the big day. One less thing to stress my mind. Pretty sure my dear mom won't be speaking to me for a couple weeks (she's very depressed and unstable and alone and refuses help of any kind..) and she probably won't show to the wedding if ANYONE she's ever had a bad thought of will be there.  Enough is Enough sometimes...