Moms and Maids

Guestlist VS my mother

So, my mom is sooo excited about my wedding. My fiance and I are paying for almost everything. Aside from the check my mom wrote for my dress, we have covered everything. My whole family is from another state and I am getting married in the state my fiance lives in and I moved to.

Here is the issue: My mother is inviting everyone and their friends to MY wedding and not paying for any of the recption. Now we are talking $125 per person plus extras for the cake, favors and headaches galore. She has already told me that some of her male friends have open invites to the wedding and she still plans on bringing a date. Excuse YOU!!! We have a budget and a guest list of 150 people. No more! I don't even know who else she has invited, she asked me to give her some blank invitations!!! I don't think so!! And, it's an out of state wedding for all these people she has invited. Where do they expect to stay? Cuz they are NOT staying at my house, or in a hotel with my mother and my eleven year old brother.

Now, how do I tell my Mom these freaks are not invited, to stop inviting people to my wedding and that I really don't want her to bring a date! Seariously, she has lost her mind.

Sorry for the novel, I needed to vent.

Re: Guestlist VS my mother

  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's time to put the foot down with your mom. Tell her what she is doing is rude and that YOU will be the one sending invites not her and when the random people she is inviting ask "where's my invite? i haven't received it." she is going to look very silly in explaining that she went wedding bonkers and that she never consulted with you to know how many people would be invited in the first place. So to sum it up.

    Tell mom to stop giving random people open invitations because its going to make herself look bad when she has to explain they aren't invited.

    Definitely do not let your mom get a hold of any invitations.

    As for her bringing a date, I really don't think she needs one but if there is somewhere to maybe compromise it would be this one little thing. 
  • edited December 2011
    It's simple, tell mom she has X number of guests. She must give you her list, by a certain date, so YOU can send the invitations. Do not give her the invitations, under any circumstances. Let her know that verbal invitations will not be honored.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    Im going thru a similar situation - mom isn't contributing a dime yet keeps trying to add people to our guest list. I've told her straight up - My fiance's parents, my fiance and I are footing the bill - granted they have more guests, but they are paying for them. We have already set a guest list up, and  I understand you can't financially contribute but this is my wedding, and I am not inviting all your random friends. I dont know these people, they are not important to me, im inviting people that I actually know to my wedding! thanks!

    good luck, just put your foot down or she will never stop!
  • edited December 2011
    Make sure to send her, her invite at the very last minute, don't put it past her to copy it and mail it out to her friends Ive heard of another brides mother on this board doing that.
  • edited December 2011
    "Mom, I love you but you are out of control with this wedding. Our venue holds 150 people. I have authorized 65 people ffor my family and 10 of my friends. The other 75 are for my fiance's side and his friends. I am sorry but all those people that you invited can't come because of budget constraints. We can't afford their meals and favors and the extra seating. I'm sorry. And mom I think it would be a little awkard for you to bring a date."

    Option 2

    "Mom, I love you but this is not your wedding. Stop inviting people that I don't know. And did your invitation have a +1? NO! Therefore you won't have a guest with you. As for blank invitations no. This is my wedding you aren't forking over any cash so stop inviting people. Back off of MY wedding. Stop living vicariously through me. I don't want people at MY wedding that I don't know especially if I have to shell out $125 for them to eat. Now whoever has received an invitation is invited to the wedding. And just to verify I have assigned a cousin to check people's names off at the door and turn people away who aren't invited."
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    You can talk to your mom Tactfully and considerately. Yes it is your wedding, but you are her daughter. She may not know that you are feeling this way. Sit down and talk in a non-confrontational way. I did that with BOTH my mom and my Future mother in law and they both respect everything I have said. But I gave them that respect when I told them. I love hearing my mom call herself Mother of the Bride. and to hear the excitement in her voice when we talk wedding plans. Same with my Fiance's mom. Both knew upfront what we wanted and what are limitaions were (budget, # guests everything) and they respected that.
    The 3 of us have had a great time planning the wedding, but that is because I set the boundries BEFORE we started planning the wedding.
    I'm sure your mom is super excited you are getting married and wants to shout it from the rooftops and invite everyone because she is SO PROUD OF YOU!!!
    Talk to her before you assume anything. I've read some of the responses and brides saying this is MY wedding, I'll do what I want and while that's true it is your wedding and you should do what you want,  you don't have to turn into a bridezilla to get your way. You can still respect the people that love you and want to share in your happoness and still get what you want. If someone suggests something that you absolutely hate you can nicely tell them that while you apprieciate their creative genius, it wasn't exactely what you had in mind for your wedding. But make sure you thank them for thinking of you and suggesting it.
    Now if you have taken the high road and sat down with her to tell her this and she becomes a "mother of the bride"zilla (aka crazy lady) you can tell her with a little more force that this is your wedding. I can't stress more to just TALK to her. Don't consider it a confrontation, because you could come off as looking like a bridezilla.
    Good Luck! and remember your mom loves you and is soo happy for you!
  • edited December 2011
    That is one of the more outrageous stories I've heard.  You're mom sounds, um, interesting.  I am so sorry.  Lay down the law.  Sounds like you have to.
  • MrsToBe2011MrsToBe2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am going threw the exact same thing, Wedding is in 23 days and we are paying for the whole thing ourselves. Its so stressful to feel like you have no control over you guest list or worse your wedding! I understand how you feel.
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  • gitziegitzie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am the mother of the groom, I have a very limited list that I want to invite, I feel the same as most brides, if the person is not important to the couple they should not be invited. However, as an older person, we have given gifts to all our friend's kids and want the favor returned.  My son put it best..."yeah but mom we don't want to invite people we barely know to get a $20 gift card and in return they are eating a $125 meal." So there you have it.  It is the bride and groom's day, forget all that other stuff and ENJOY!!!!
  • dggewindggewin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Tell Mom your budget cannot cover such a large guest list.  Plus the venue will probably not hold that many more people.  Let her know you love and and it makes you so happy to have her so excited and wanting to show off her wonderful new son-in-law.  Tell her how important SHE and your brother are to you, but you just cannot handle the extra people.  Let her know that is how she should explain it to her friends, and they will understand.  EVERYONE understands this economy, and wedding costs have not adjusted to our incomes.  Sit down and make a list of points you want to make with her on the phone, then don't LET  yourself get rattled.  Stay calm even if she is not.  Stay focused, and make sure you cover it all in that conversation.  Then give her time to digest it all.  She probably will come around at some point after she spends some time going over what you said.  Be sure to tell her (no matter the atmosphere) that you love her just before you hang up.  Hope it goes well!
  • jeepkittyjeepkitty member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have found my self in the same situation-again!  My mom did this during my "practice" wedding and I caved bc I felt guilty bc she paid for the dress!  What happens when you cave to guilt-the wedding then became hers and all about me pleasing her and making the right impression for her friends and family-whom I did not even know!! it was hugely stressful, expensive and took the light off what this day was about.  What she wants from you may not end at the guest list!!!

     I am older and wiser now.  When she gave me her list I tried as kindly as I could to tell her, Mom, I wish we had an unlimited budget, if we did we would love to invite all  of your friends and family -that would be at the top of our list-but we don't and our budget is extremely limited.  Our price per guest is $125, you are welcome to pay for and invite as many people as you like".  Fortunately for us-we have the space to do that-however if you are going to make that offer- make sure you offer the same thing to the grooms family as well!  My mom was a bit shocked and then said she would pay for her own guests-but has not given me her guest list!    I know you feel obligated about the dress-be strong-the dress has nothing to do with the ceremony-if it did she should have told you that from the beginning.  If she should bring it up, tell her she should have been unfront and clear that the dress had strings attached-if you would have known that she expected you to pay for her guest list you never would have excepted the money, or offer to pay for as many guests as that check will cover.  The most important thing is to bring it out into the open, so you have time to clear the air and move past the issue.

  • edited December 2011
    I would put my foot down.  Tell your mom it's either this or if you want to bring x number more than she can accomodate them by paying for it out of her own pocket, otherwise this is what you can do and this is what she WILL do.
  • KimyataKimyata member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

     I am going through a similar situation. My mom is upset because I had to count my list down. She is unable to help me, but the first person to have a problem with my solutions.  I told her,if she can pay for each person I had to remove from my list, then they can come. YOU have to put your foot down, because if YOU dont she'll continue to do whatever she wants at YOUR wedding. Good luck and I hope it all works out.  

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  • tschrufetschrufe member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We've had the same issue with my fiance's parents.  He has a very large family (his father has 12 brothers and sisters and his mother has 6), and his father keeps adding to our invitation list... guests that my fiance doesn't know and many whom he has not even met.  We are having a small wedding and it's close to $120 a plate, and we too are paying for the entire wedding ourselves.  Additionally, at our shower his faimly only contributed $10-$15 per guest and they have no intention of paying for the extra guests.

    We have told him that we want to keep our wedding small, with guests consisting only of our close family members and friends to make it a mor eintimate service.
    I think that if you just approach it in this way, tactfully that she will understand.

    As far as her guest... that's really up to you.  I can see why she'd want to have someone there to dance with and talk to, but your family will be there, it's your wedding, and these are your photos for the rest of your life.
    Good luck!
  • mcl_hebertmcl_hebert member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hey! I had about the same situation with my mom, exept she would decide who she didn't want there and she didn't want to sit with my in-laws cause she can't stand them, and didn't want my dad there (my parents are divorce and havenèt seen each other in over 20 years), etc...the best thing is to talk to your mom and to let her know that it is your day and not hers, that's what I did with mine..yeah she was mad at first, even treathened to cut all ties, but she came around a few days later telling me that I was the most important person in her life and that it was in fact my day and not hers, so she would keep her mouth shut and let me invite whoever I wanted to invite and that she would sit wherever I would tell her to sit!

    So good luck with your mom and she has to understand that it's your big day!!

    MC
  • edited December 2011
    I'm going through something similar...except my parents are PAYING for the wedding. They're divorced so my dad's footing most of the bill...my mom paid for the postage for invitations/announcements and the cake.  my problem is that it's all of my STEPMOM's family that's been invited....my fiancee and I had to tell some of our close friends (2 of which we had already asked to be in the wedding party) that they couldnt be invited because of the low budget and all the family that I "HAD" to invite!  Our solution: we will still have a great time on our wedding day, no matter who is there. after we get back from our honeymoon, we're having a stock the bar party with all of our friends, especially the ones who we couldn't invite to the wedding :)

    I would definitely tell mom to back off before it gets too late.  the sooner, the better, then you won't have to stress about it so much!
  • latika83latika83 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OMG! My parents are from India and I thought parents interfering with wedding plans was just an Indian thing! I am a little relieved to find out that I am not alone in this!

    I am having a really small wedding with only 80 guests. My parents are not helping me plan it and they are not helping me with the funds. Yet they are driving me bonkers! My dad wanted to invite his 12 relatives (his distant cousins) who live in Canada when I am not even inviting all my friends.

    What's making my situation worse is that my uncles and aunts have their own guests lists. Since when do uncles and aunts have a say in your wedding????
  • Mickeyfan35Mickeyfan35 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    could someone PLEASE explain to me what gets into parents heads the moment you mention wedding!!!  We started with this problem but when I told my parents if we were paying than we had to have a small list.  They decided to pay for the food, but I still limited them to 10 extra invites to whomever they wished.  Worked pretty good I guess.  Now theyv'e gone nuts in other ways :)
  • edited December 2011
    We have run into a similar situation with my parents in law.  We handled it by saying we would love to invite ALOT of people but we can afford 70...which is true.  However, each guest for us is $125.00 so anyone past our list is welcome to be invited by them at the cost of $125.00 each guest.  They quickly stopped telling us who we HAD to invite.  I chose not to ask anyone for money and even got a second job to pay for our wedding.  Your mother is obviously excited and that is great!  However, I'm sure in your life she has put limits on what you could get and sometimes people need to be reminded of that.
  • rt7801rt7801 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know exactly what your going thru. I come from a family that with cousins and all comes to about 200. Im only inviting a third to a half. I spoke to a few cousins to make sure that I was clear...NO EXTRA GUESTS UNLESS I SPEAK TO THEM  PRIOR TO THE DAYAND SAY ITS OKAY. you just have to put your foot down. YOU are paying not her and not them, so what you need to do is say, "mom, I appreciate the fact that you want to share my wedding with the world, but I can't afford to feed the whole world. Please, do not invite people without my consent. It will make it very difficult for me to keep track of RSVP's, the caterer will be upset at the fact that I don't know who's coming, and it will stress me out to the point of tearing my hair out." If she still doesnt understand, BE BLUNT! This is your day!you need to keep the stress level as low as possible and focus on the happiness to come. Remember not to overwhelm yourself, If you feel you cant tell her alone, gain the assistance of a sister or your M of O. strength in numbers. Hope this helps.                        -Rachel
  • edited December 2011
    When it comes right down to it, this day is to celebrate YOUR wedding.  The people attending should be people that you want to celebrate with.  If your venue only has seating for 150 (or more importantly YOU only want 150 people), then your mother needs to honor that.  It's very rude for her to openly invite a bunch of her friends to your wedding.  And even more so, them being a bunch of "guy friends'.  I get it.  I would be pissed if my mom did that!  But, on the other hand, are you allowing any of your single friends to bring a date?  While I can understand feelings of not wanting mom to have a date, I think that part would be a little unfair to tell her she HAS to come alone.  These sort of events are meant to be shared with SOMEONE.  And she should be allowed to bring a date. ONE DATE. ONE PERSON. lol.  Just explain to her that you can NOT afford to feed her friends, that you are on a tight budge and can ONLY have 150 people, that you are willing to let her bring a date, but no more.  If there are people that she REALLY FEELS should be invited, she needs to clear it with you first and they need to be people that are meaningful to you.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I read several of the responses, but not all of them so if I repeat what anyone said, I apologize for the redundancy.

    If you can have an amicable, respectful, and reasonable conversation with your mother about your budget, that you can't afford her guests, and her inappropriateness for going wedding crazy, then that would be your best route.

    If she cannot be reasonable, just firmly put your foot down and tell her only people YOU invite will be on the list, not her.  My fiance has a great line when unreasonable people start with the "I want this... I want that..."  He just looks at them, smiles and in a cheerful tone says, "It's nice to want things."

    As pps have said, do not give her any invites.  I also agree with pp to perhaps mail her invite last minute as so to not put it past her to photocopy it.  Or, although this may depart from etiquette, perhaps in this situation its ok, don't mail her an invite, just hand it to her the day of the wedding, saying, "I didn't sent this because I knew it was a given you're coming, but I did want you to have this as a keepsake."  (Just make sure to get her meal choice beforehand, and if she goes on with "And this friend will that X meal"  just ignore it, or say "I don't care what they want because they won't be there.")

    Hopefully your mom will get the message.  If it's coming close to the wedding and she still hasn't, you do have 2 options (that I can think of).
    1) It may cost a little extra money, but hire a bouncer to stand outside your reception venue and inform him of the situation your concern about).  Provide him with a finalized list and he can ask and check off the names of guests as they come in.  Anyone not on the list gets turned away, no matter how much your mother wails, "but they're with me."  No spot on the list, no entry, simple as that.
    2) Instead of just assigning guests to a table, assign individual seats or places at the table to guests (have the placecards put on the table).  That way the invited guests do not have their seats "stolen", and the uninvited one will finds themselves without a seat or a meal.
    Both of these options will most like annoy those uninvited guests and embarrass your mother, but IMO if she hasn't cooperated with you by the day of the wedding, she probably deserves it.
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  • saw02fsaw02f member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you everyone for all your responses. I was thinking that my mother is the only crazy one interrupting my wedding plans. My older brother told me on Easter, this is why he is never getting married, he doesn't want to deal with this stuff. My fiance and I are not having the problems, it's between us and my mom. I am going to drive to Maine one weekend and have a sit down with her and clear things up.

    She is a very strong minded person, and raised me the same way. This is probably where the issue is stemming from. We are both cemented in our own ways as being right and being in charge. I will have a nice convo with her and then if that doesn't work, I'll go tell all her friends who I did invite and make them work on her to see things straight.

    Thanks for all of your help and responses!!
    Stacy
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