Getting stressed (a little long) UPDATED WITH COMMENT PLEASE HELP

PolkaDotMinnie

Now I am posting this from a bridesmaid perspective. Goodness.. I feel like that's all I am ever doing.. I have 2 weddings coming up: A good friend from Elementary school && My cousin (Both great girls AND I love their FI's) Okay so this is about my friends wedding..

I posted way back and said that I may have to delete the post and I did... Well now I'm to the point where maybe she needs to read what I am saying!...and all this advice! 

OKAY so.. Last time I asked what to do if she had a whole bunch of 'events' required for us. I have been attending some and I have been "busy" for others. I don't want her to step all over me BUT  I still want to be a good friend.  I love her so much, but I feel like I will be getting silver specs in my hair within the weeks!

She sent us all a email telling asking us to pick our jewelry.. there was about 7 selections with none running below 40$.. And she sent us options for the shoes that cost around 40$ and that we had to order them from some website? Well that is all fine and dandy with the  $200 budget we wanted to keep.. UNTIL she told us the dress was going to be $20 more then we expected and that we need to get our hair done as well.. *jaw drop*... This whole time she keeps telling us how tight of a budget she is on, and I COMPLETELY understand that.

I feel like I am 5 and my brother took my piggy bank and smashed it on the ground.. we have 6 people in the wedding party and 4 of those girls (including myself) are planning our own weddings..

WHAT DO I DO  

I really am shy when it comes to hurting her feelings she has been my best friend and I don't want to burn any bridges. I just worry that tomorrow there might be another cost and another.. all leading up to my FI wearing his boxers at the altar because we cant afford his suit!

Zippy88k

Ouch, that really sucks. You probably don't want to hear it, but you really need to talk to the bride and try to explain to her that you can't spend x amount of dollars over your budget. Ask her if there's anyway the jewelry could be optional (I've never heard of the bridesmaids having to buy their own jewelry), or if you could do your own hair. It may sound silly, but youtube actually has some really good hair tutorials.

deepcovejackie

I think you need to talk to the bride, present your budget, and ask her what the priorities are.  If you have $150 max to spend for everything, then where is that money going to go?  Shoes?  Hair?  Expensive dresses?

FWIW, this is the first time I've heard of BM's having to purchase jewellery.  Also, it's customary for the bride to pay for hair, if she prefers a professional look for her BM's.  Also, you shouldn't have to buy new shoes either.  Can't you wear some you already own, or borrow some for the day?

Those are all reasonable questions.

vicki0508

I agree with PPs.  If the bride wants you to have your hair professionally done, then she needs to pay for it.  If she wants you to wear specific jewelry, then she needs to pay for it.  I would go so far as to say if she's going to require specific shoes, she should pay for those, too.  Personally, I would hate to order shoes online if I'm not familiar with the brand. 

She seems like she's trying to be reasonable because she IS giving you options for the jewelry and shoes, but it's all still really unnecessary.  Her guests will not notice the jewelry or shoes, nor will they care if they match or not.

trix1223

"Friend, I received your email, and I think there's been a misunderstanding.  When I told you my budget was $XXX, that was my total budget, not just for the dress.  I'm sorry, but I simply cannot afford to purchase new jewelry, shoes, and pay for getting my hair done professionally.  I was planning to wear my <insert description> necklace, my black sandals, and I'm going to style my own hair.  Thanks."

But good luck.  This doesn't sound like it's going to end well.  May I suggest that you send your friend here?  We'll help. 

AutumnFair

Ditto to the other ladies.

If she wants hair professionally done, SHE needs to pay for it.

If she wants specific jewelry and shoes, SHE needs to pay for it.

Basically, it's time to stand up to your friend, she is starting to get the Bride's crazies and not thinking about her friend's feelings and focusing too much on her "vision". She definitely needs to hear it and if she is peeved well, sometimes the truth hurts and if she can't understand that what she is doing is wrong then her real character is truly showing.

Good luck to you.

artbyallie

Send her here! Please? Ditto PPs that she really needs to pay for things that are part of the 'uniform' apart from the dress. She really should also kick in the extra 20 bucks if the dress ended up being over the budget you gave her.

PolkaDotMinnie

Thanks ladies. I am not the only one feeling this way in the party I have talked to the other girls to see if they could afford all this and they said that they couldn't as well. It is nice knowing that I have their support as well I will try to talk to her this weekend. I did tell her that I couldn't order anything this week because I didn't have the money. I hope that the little hints about not having enough money help.. Otherwise I will have to get out the serious voice haha! I think one of the other girls told her that "there are wonderful advice boards on the knot" so I hope she pays a visit here

MairePoppy

I like trix's response. Just be honest with your friend and let her know you have no more $$ to spend on her wedding. She needs to know that if she is requiring all those extras, she should pay for them. Don't be shy about it.

Also, as artbyallie has requested, please, send your friend here.

LoveMuffins

Yeah, I'd skip the "little hints" as things like that can come off as passive aggressive. I think communication is really important in all friendships, and it sounds like she's trying to be reasonable anyway, so hopefully she'll see what you're saying!

Muffin'sMom

I agree with being up front and to the point...no hints or cute answers.  "I love you and am honored to be in your wedding but this is what I can afford:____."

PolkaDotMinnie

Ladies thanks for the advice.. I called her today to talk and we started off fine. I told her I was worried that I wouldn't be able to afford everything that she is requiring and she laughed.

She told me that "When you said you would be a bridesmaid you knew what you were getting into" I simply explained that I was unaware of the fact that I signed a 500$ contract. 

I took this right from a message she sent:

"I haven't even picked your accessories yet. And its bogus that you're giving me a budget. I'm aware that we are all college students and I am making the best decisions I can."

She sent this to another girl who was concerned with the money situation as well.

Ugh what happened to the sweet girl I have known my whole life. What do I do if she kicks one (or more) of us girls out of the wedding?

aerinpegadrak

Honestly, I'd bail.  I'd respond that you're very hurt that she brushed off your very reasonable concerns so rudely, and that since you meant what you said about not being able to afford these extra expenses, you won't be in the wedding anymore.  Unfortunately, sometimes women just go off the deep end when they get engaged, and a lot of them never get back to normal.

MairePoppy

Your friend's answer was totally inappropriate. If she can't see that she has gone overboard with her demands, then she is very self centered. She should have apologized and made an attempt at making it right.She's not much of a friend.
Do you still want to be in her wedding?

AutumnFair

The big question is do you wan to remain in her wedding? Basically if you already have your dress then stand your ground on not buying anything else specified by her. If she then kicks you out I would actually tell her she needs to reimburse you. If I were you I would be completely honest with her about how her "vision" is hurting not only the friendship with you but with other BMs. If it gets to the point where she doesn't want to listen to you I would link the questioned you asked to her so she can see for herself how self absorbed she is being and how badly she is treating her friends.

Best to luck. Sometimes weddings sometimes show the true selfish nature people have and it really is a sad thing to see.

Habs2Hart

Wow.  How is having a budget bogus???  That is nuts.

Do you have your dress already? 

If you want to be in the wedding, then keep the dress, pick your own shoes that are the same colour, wear whatever the hell jewelery you want to wear and show up with your hair done by you. 

What can she do really?  I think she is being BEYOND unreasonable and really rude.  Her "vision" should not trump friendships.  A wedding is a day.  A friendship is supposed to be forever. 

Muffin'sMom

She's telling you where you fall in her priorities.  What you do with that information is up to you.  But, I'll say this:  friends don't treat friends that way.

PolkaDotMinnie

Oh goodness ladies thank you so much I am giving it a week before I decide anything or talk to her.. I don't want the steam blowing from her ears to burn me.. Today she sent me a text saying: hey we should meet up and have X friend there with us so nothing goes wrong... 

WELL I am a big girl and don't need a babysitter so I think the answer to that would be no! Considering the friend she picked will probably agree with everything the bride says!

One thing I will say.. I am so lucky I learned not to pick my WP until MUCH closer to the wedding! 2 years before is WAY to long! Thanks ladies!

StephieBow

oy.. this isn't too good. She shouldn't have dismissed your needs... I asked all my BMs individually what their dress budget was, if they were getting their hair done professionally or not and what they were doing with their make up .. just so I knew, they each have their own budgets. I'm paying for their jewelry and accessories. They can wear any pair of black shoes they want (which means they can come from their closet.) I think your friend is being a bit too demanding.

In the end, everyone wanted professional hair and make up so I worked out a deal with a make-up artist and hair salon that brought the costs of everything down for the BMs (power in numbers, cheaper than each of them going somewhere separately) so now we all getting ready together because it's cheaper for everyone and I'm sure it will be more fun!

Someone previously mentioned that the brides have to pay for hair and make up... from the wedding parties my friends and I have been in, we always pay for it ourselves but the bride has never mandated anything.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_getting-stressed-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e39b63d-c532-4815-b747-4890cbfb0c8bPost:486cb36b-dc27-4c21-87a9-167969757cef">Re: Getting stressed (a little long) UPDATED WITH COMMENT PLEASE HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]oy.. this isn't too good. She shouldn't have dismissed your needs... I asked all my BMs individually what their dress budget was, if they were getting their hair done professionally or not and what they were doing with their make up .. just so I knew, they each have their own budgets. I'm paying for their jewelry and accessories. They can wear any pair of black shoes they want (which means they can come from their closet.) I think your friend is being a bit too demanding. In the end, everyone wanted professional hair and make up so I worked out a deal with a make-up artist and hair salon that brought the costs of everything down for the BMs (power in numbers, cheaper than each of them going somewhere separately) so now we all getting ready together because it's cheaper for everyone and I'm sure it will be more fun!<strong> Someone previously mentioned that the brides have to pay for hair and make up... from the wedding parties my friends and I have been in, we always pay for it ourselves but the bride has never mandated anything.
</strong>Posted by StephieBow[/QUOTE]

That's exactly the point.  If the bride is mandating, she pays.  Of course, it's fine for the BM's to opt to get their hair, makeup etc done professionally.  It just shouldn't be viewed as a requirement by the bride.

melliefuller84

she needs to pay for your hair and makeup. Not you....but talk to her and say "this is going overboard" or some nice way