How do I tell her that her wedding is not on my mind 24/7?

margoam

I'm the maid of honor in a close friends wedding. I'm so happy to be a part of her special day but she is bombarding me with her wedding stuff 24/7. Her wedding is a year and a half away and I get messages and emails from her all the time about it. I'm so excited for her and I want to help make this a special time for her but my life does not revolve around her wedding. How do I politely tell her that I love her, and I'm excited for her wedding, but that I'm busy with a life of my own and don't want to hear about her wedding all the time? It seems as if it's all we talk about anymore. 

Thanks for the advice!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-her-her-wedding-not-mind-247?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e6d2586-9145-48fa-8d2d-f61d001a71cePost:4c90f36c-9d34-47e0-aeae-728b7daea225">How do I tell her that her wedding is not on my mind 24/7?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm the maid of honor in a close friends wedding. I'm so happy to be a part of her special day but she is bombarding me with her wedding stuff 24/7. Her wedding is a year and a half away and I get messages and emails from her all the time about it. <strong>I'm so excited for her and I want to help make this a special time for her but my life does not revolve around her wedding. </strong>How do I politely tell her that <strong>I love her, and I'm excited for her wedding, but that I'm busy with a life of my own and don't want to hear about her wedding all the time? </strong>It seems as if it's all we talk about anymore.  Thanks for the advice!
Posted by margoam[/QUOTE]
THANK YOU for sharing this perspective.  A lot of brides who could be your friend post on here wonder why their friends aren't returning their calls anymore.<div>
</div><div>Honestly, you should tell her what you told us, the highlighted portions above especially.  If she's a decent person and true friend, she'll realize she's gone too far, apologize and stop sending you wedding emails every 5 minutes.  If she flips out and boots you, she sounds like she isn't much of a friend to begin with and you will have dodged a bullet by having her gone from her life.  </div><div>
</div><div>If other BMs feel the same way you do, I think it would help your case if you all let her know.  One of you can be the spokes-maid and let her know that this is just getting to be too much for all of you and that, while you're so happy for her, you can't let her wedding be the center of your life right now.  Frankly, it shouldn't be the center of hers, either.</div><div>
</div><div>If being direct isn't your forte, the next time she brings up something wedding-related, just change the subject.  And keep changing the subject.  If she sends you a wedding email, don't respond.  She may get the hint.  </div><div>
</div><div>Alternatively, you can send her here and we'll set her straight :)</div>

tldh

Bless you.  Send her here to TK and let us set her straight. 

When I became engaged I swore I wouldn't get wedding brain and talk about nothing else.  After a few weeks, I realized I was turning all conversations to talk about my wedding.  I started coming here and posting and never mentioned anything about my wedding to anyone else.  In fact when they'd ask how the planning was going, I'd shrug my shoulders and say everything was fine.  They were dumbfounded that I wasn't as excited as they thought I'd be.

trix1223

I'd like to make your post a sticky for brides who come here complaining that their friends aren't "supporting" them!

How does your friend react to constructive criticism?  I think that if she's going to realize the error of her ways and apologize, then you just need to say to her what you said to us.

If she's going to flip out, then redirect, redirect, redirect.  She sends you a text about the color of the napkins.  You vaguely say "Mmmm hmmmm.  What did you think of The Deathly Hallows?"  She calls you about favors and you vaguely say "Hmmm, don't know.  I made a great chicken recipe the other night~would you like a copy?"  She sends an email about hairstyles and you vaguely say "Mmmmm hmmmmm.  Can you believe that FIFA chose Qatar for the 2022 World Cup?"  And so on....

Good luck.  You can also send your friend here.  We'll be happy to help you out and have a "come to Jesus" talk with her. 

tldh

I just remembered looking for the perfect ribbon with a friend for her centerpieces (and believe me, nobody paid attention to the ribbon on them).  In the third fabric store, I dropped on the floor and actually threw a tantrum.  I was 22 for God's sake and she still couldn't see that she'd gone round the bend and was driving me over the edge.

No point here really, except to say that I feel your pain.

margoam

I'm worried because she is the type of girl to flip out. When she asks my opinion about wedding stuff and my opinion differs, she gets upset. She also has a huge list of responsibilities and rules I'm supposed to follow as the maid of honor. 

I  have tried to change the topic and that works for all of a minute. Then she says, "Anyway, back to what I was saying...".

How do I deal with someone who I know will flip out and who refuses to let the subject change? I don't want to lose a friend, but at the same time, I can't deal with this for much longer. 

Sorry for adding more to it, I'm just at a loss for what to do.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-her-her-wedding-not-mind-247?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e6d2586-9145-48fa-8d2d-f61d001a71cePost:b69eed09-f069-4f24-b098-e61c9cf74892">Re: How do I tell her that her wedding is not on my mind 24/7?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm worried because she is the type of girl to flip out. When she asks my opinion about wedding stuff and my opinion differs, she gets upset. She also has a huge list of responsibilities and rules I'm supposed to follow as the maid of honor.  I  have tried to change the topic and that works for all of a minute. Then she says, "Anyway, back to what I was saying...". How do I deal with someone who I know will flip out and who refuses to let the subject change? I don't want to lose a friend, but at the same time, I can't deal with this for much longer.  Sorry for adding more to it, I'm just at a loss for what to do.
Posted by margoam[/QUOTE]
Wow.  She sounds a bit unstable on the matter.  Especially since she has 18 freaking months to go.  That's longer than a lot of people are even engaged.  And the list of duties and responsibilities?  Completely out of line.<div>
</div><div>Do you know her mom?  Is she a reasonable person?  Maybe she could have a word?  I wouldn't normally ask you to go over someone's head like that but I know my mom would have been on me like white on rice if I had engaged in any of the behaviour your friend is exhibiting, and I would have definitely listened to her.  Or her FI--could he rein her in?  </div><div>
</div><div>If that wouldn't be workable, you need to decide if her friendship is worth this treatment.  Someone on this board pointed out that weddings are like alcohol--they can highlight peoples' bad character traits that you wouldn't see under normal circumstance.  It's going to depend on what level of tolerance you have, and whether it's worth it to wait out the bridezilla in hopes that your friend will come back.</div><div>
</div><div>There was a letter to Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post a couple months ago from a bride who "accidentally" got cc'd on an email from her BMs who were complaining about how into her wedding she was, and Carolyn basically told her that if your BMs are complaining about the level of detail, she needed to back down.  Two days later, in the live chat, the bride admitted that her FI had broken off the engagement because she was too into wedding planning and not invested in relationships with people anymore.  Not sure if this is advice or anything, but just something that your situation reminded me of.</div>

SSaltzman87

I completely agree with Brooke. It's better to get this out in the open now rather than later. She's obviously caught up in the excitement of wedding planning and needs to be brought back down to earth.

sister2groom

Take her out to coffee (as in, don't do this when she brings you over to tie ribbons) and sit her down and tell her some of the things you're worried about. Again, if you're really reasonable and calm and nice about it like you were on here she should be reasonable in return. If she isn't, or doesn't become more reasonable afterwards, you can't worry about that. You'll have done your part as a good friend, and then she has to step up and do hers, and you can't force her to be a decent friend.

wheresmypopcorn

Use "I statements" when you talk to her.  Start with the beginning that you posted here about being super excited about her wedding.  Then, "I feel _____ when you _____ because ______.  I would like it if you could ______".  Somethig to that affect. 

margoam

Thanks everyone! I'm definitely going to take your advice, and hopefully everything will work out! 

I will cross-post on the Wedding Party board.

[Deleted User]

I answered you on the WP board.

waitingformay

I would kinda love to see this list of rules and responsibilities.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-her-her-wedding-not-mind-247?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e6d2586-9145-48fa-8d2d-f61d001a71cePost:46c453f0-a41c-4873-a37e-b149bad51f62">Re: How do I tell her that her wedding is not on my mind 24/7?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would kinda love to see this list of rules and responsibilities.
Posted by waitingformay[/QUOTE]
Betcha anything it's the one from TK so therefore it's "official."

lalap69

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that.  My sister was a little like that (there was no list or anything though) and I never dealt with it directly, I just tried to make sure that she understood how busy I was and how much I had going on.  There's no guarantee that that will work for you.  We've had a lot of brides coming on here upset at their bridesmaids no matter how legitimately busy they were.  But it worked for me.  If you're worried about her getting upset, that might make for a good first attempt.

If that doesn't work, definitely talk to her about it more directly.  Or just send her here for us to straighten her out.

jemmini6

Next time she brings up something about the wedding, I would just be honest with her.  Like answer her question or give your opinion then follow with something like "That sounds beautiful, but you know, you still have quite some time until your wedding, so nothing needs to be set in stone right now.  I also love helping you out, but sometime it gets a little overwhelming as I have other things going on in my life as well, which you might know if we ever talked about anything but your wedding."  (I realize that gets a little snarky towards the end, but hell, I'm getting frustrated with her and I don't even know her).

whirlybird27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-her-her-wedding-not-mind-247?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e6d2586-9145-48fa-8d2d-f61d001a71cePost:b96905e9-bcec-41cc-9bf1-2f728185080b">Re: How do I tell her that her wedding is not on my mind 24/7?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just remembered looking for the perfect ribbon with a friend for her centerpieces (and believe me, nobody paid attention to the ribbon on them).  In the third fabric store, I dropped on the floor and actually threw a tantrum.  I was 22 for God's sake and she still couldn't see that she'd gone round the bend and was driving me over the edge. No point here really, except to say that I feel your pain.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

<div>I.love.this.</div>

Melanie2012

Is she recently engaged and just overexcited in the initial idea/planning stage?  Not that that excuses her attitude, but it seems odd that she'd be talking about it nonstop with a year and a half to go.

Anyway, ditto all the above advice.  The only thing I have to add is, (if you haven't already tried this), would it be as easy as telling her you're going crazy trying to deal with [insert 2-3 things in your own life that are keeping you busy/exhausted/etc.], and suggest a couple of ways you could condense and streamline this wedding business?  For example, asking that she send you one or two wedding-centric emails a week, so you can keep your inbox in control?  (I don't know about you, but inbox clutter makes me mildly homicidal.)

If she can't recognize that your school/work/bills/personal relationships don't just go on hiatus for the duration of her wedding planning, then the problem seems deeper than just the wedding.

Best of luck!

ChanelShades

Sheesh obviously she is excited. Let her be excited. You don't have to respond to every email. Pick and choose which ones you will respond to. If she calls and you are busy, tell her you have a pressing deadline for work or whatever the situation may be. Obviously, you are getting married too (if you have not already) inudate her email inbox with talk about your wedding and she will get the point. She will see how BOTHERSOME and IRRITATING it can be.  

But talk to her if you get an email from Gmail saying that your mailbox is full.