Moms and Maids

I can't believe I'm writing this, you were all right

I just wanted to say that everyone on this board and every other was right in saying "wait" to pick the bridal party. I fought and said "why no.. I've known my friends forever and ever" and I have, and I love every single one of my bridesmaids....

But As you all told me I would. You were right. I Can not stand one of my bridesmaids now-- and there is nothing I can do about but suck it up and smile pretty.

Basically, she went through a big "life change" (ie changed what side of the team she was batting for) and now has this super self conscious thing that everywhere she goes, everyone is talking about her.. etc. I have been sooo supportive through the whole thing. But honestly, she is nasty and mean.
I don't know, she has a lot going on, I feel like I want to help but....

but shes soooo mean. And I cant talk about wedding stuff ever. Which I try to keep to a minimum outside of the "knot" world anyway-- since its annoying to non-brides.. but she constantly says "how can you think about getting married, when I can't!! Its not legal for me to get married, and you should support that-- I don't want to talk about marriage until I can get married"

Ok, I understand that so I just stopped talking about wedding, and about her relationships, and asking about her issues with her parents, then I stopped talking to her about school because that was always an issue because her parents hate her major (they paid for her to go to a Really hard-to-get-into art school which she graduated from, and now she wants to be a dentist and is back in school)...

she's just SOOO confused about everything,. and nasty and mean, and decided that she shouldn't talk to her "friends" for a few months while she figures out her life.

In the mean time I moved on all fine and dandy. Then she called me at 3 am and left me a voicemail (albeit drunk) that we were going in different directions if I was "down for the whole marriage family thing".. .and she didn't believe in it.

Sorry this is rambling

I don't know, I know I can't "kick her out" or what do some girls say ask her to "bow out" (I think they think that sounds nicer). BUT I just want to say that everyone can say a big "WE TOLD YOU SO" to me!! er.

because honestly its not about what sex she prefers to date, or that shes back in school and has a lot going on, or her confidence issues at this point-- its mostly about the fact--that shes not a close friend anymore- because she continually pushes me love and support away.

and I used to write in to girls that wanted to kick out a bridesmaid and be liek "WELL you were too hasty!!! You can't kick her out now. deal with it" and I just wanted to say that now thats me :(
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Re: I can't believe I'm writing this, you were all right

  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If this is a friendship you do not mind losing at this point. End the friendship. If you end the friendship, the wedding part will take care of itself.

    I'm a little upset for you that she keeps saying that since she can't get married you shouldn't either. I understand there is inequality in this world and that sucks, but she shouldn't rain on your wedding parade. I'm trying to say this as sensitively as possible because my dad is gay and I understand the whole want for everyone to be able to legally get married, but right now, that's not a reality. Some day it will be, but it's not fair to you for her to make you feel bad about something that you can do and she can't.

    God I hope that came out right.
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  • lalap69lalap69 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that you're going through this.  Part of why I've always advocated the "waiting" approach with bm's is because I've had friendships very abruptly shift.  I was best friends with a girl for over 10 years when she suddenly cut me out of her life over a perceived slight.  Over a year after the fact I found out what she was upset over.  It was something I hadn't even done.  But it showed me that you don't always know about your friendships, even when you're sure that you do.

    I'm sorry that you had to learn this lesson the hard way.

    It sounds like you and your friend are due for a heart to heart.  Leave the wedding out of it, just talk to her about your friendship and about how you've been feeling and see what happens.  Maybe you can improve your relationship or maybe the two of you will end your friendship (in which case it will be understood that she's no longer in the wedding), but really, approach this from a friendship angle and see what happens.
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  • i2012doi2012do member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-believe-im-writing-this-were-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e92fc93-00a6-41d8-98c7-40e98830214dPost:769698ab-aa07-4324-aaba-3c521b0cf95c">Re: I can't believe I'm writing this, you were all right</a>:
    [QUOTE]If this is a friendship you do not mind losing at this point. End the friendship. If you end the friendship, the wedding part will take care of itself. I'm a little upset for you that she keeps saying that since she can't get married you shouldn't either. I understand there is inequality in this world and that sucks, but she shouldn't rain on your wedding parade. I'm trying to say this as sensitively as possible because my dad is gay and I understand the whole want for everyone to be able to legally get married, but right now, that's not a reality. Some day it will be, but it's not fair to you for her to make you feel bad about something that you can do and she can't. God I hope that came out right.
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    No I think it came out right! I know what you mean. And I dont really think that because she is gay and can't get married that I can't... I honestly think she is really confused about this whole life change. I mean its a lot to come out to your family (shes 29) after years of dating guys,and realize that all your friends are getting married and having babies and those are things you might not be able to do without going to another state to get married, or adopting a baby or using a donor-- just a different path in life to get to the same destination---
    and I really think this is SO much right now for her, that my wedding is like pebbles compared to the boulder in her life....this is just really difficult

    I don't even know how to end a freidnship-- on good terms? I feel like its like breaking up with a REALLY great guy that just isn't the right "one" for you!
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  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would probably tell her that if the wedding bothers her so much, she doesn't have to be in it. 
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yeah your in a no win situation. Basically to end it on good terms is to just let the friendship drift slowly away. Which I mean, keep her in the WP but just start minimizing contact with her. Eventually, both parties with pretty much go their separate ways without much negative views toward one another.
  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    It sucks that she can't get married but unless you are anti gay marriage, then she should still be happy for you, ya know?

    if this is a friendship nto worth keeping, then you can let her know that if she would feel more comfortable just being a guest, she can.

    How much time do you have left until she buys her dress and everything? Because just like you were hasty in asking her, you don't want to be hasty in kicking her out, either.
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  • i2012doi2012do member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011

    ya a while until we have to do all that. I'm getting married in 2012. So I am not doing that till January. I was going to see how 2011 played out. I can't believe I am bitting myself in the butt on this one.


    I haven't seen her since september (she lives 5 miles away).. and I'm not going out of my way to see her either-- like calling her or anything... I will wait until she invites me or asks me to come by or stop by or something-- because if you don't call her--she doesn't bother calling anyway



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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Sorry your 'friend' is acting this way.  I would sit down and have a chat with her first.  Something like "I want you to know that I completely support your choice and your relationships, and as your friend, I would appreciate if you could support mine as well.  I agree that it sucks that our country is still so far behind on marital rights, but just because I am choosing to get married at this point in my life does not mean that I'm trying to hurt you and the fact that you cannot.  It would be great if you can support me in this and I promise that I'll be there for you when you are able to as well."

    If you talk to her about it and she's still being completely absurd about it then I'd probably choose to end the friendship.  I'd say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not comfortable having someone standing up with me at my wedding who doesn't support me.  Perhaps we've reached a point in our friendship where it's best for both of us to continue our own ways.  I do wish you the best and sincerely hope that you will have the right to get married very soon."
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way :(. If it makes you feel any better, I learned the hard way too.

    I think you're smart in waiting to see how the year plays out. Maybe your friend will start to adjust better to her situation and it will improve.

    Just remember, all because asking a BM to bow out is (justifiably) one of the biggest WP no-no's, it also doesn't mean you have to be a door mat to keep the "friendship" going until the wedding is over. If she continues to be incredibly unsupportive of your lifestyle, I think you need to point out as gently as possible that you are being supportive of hers, even though its not your path in live. If she keeps it up for much longer after that, it will be time to inform her that if she doesn't support what you're doing, she doesn't need to be a member of the wedding party. It's a terrible thing to ask a bridesmaid to back out, but if she is completely bringing you down and flat out insulting a decision you asked her to be a part of, it may be best just to let it go :(
  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    When I initially told my sister that I got engaged, she had an incredibly negative reaction to it since she's gay as well. She thankfully apologized to me later that day and admitted what she did was wrong. 

    Coming out is an incredibly scary thing, and I'm sure your friend is dealing with all sorts of emotions. Not saying that her actions are justified, but maybe let her cool off a while and let her settle into her own skin than do anything rash. if she's honestly THAT against a heterosexual union, she could bow out on her own.

    Above anything else, what she needs is support right now even if she is being unpleasant.
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  • edited December 2011
    On the upside, an R.I. House committee is taking up a bill to legalize gay marriage which, if passed, would put her biggest complaint/issue to rest.  Not that I'm trying to trivialize what she's going through, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, especially in your state. 
    I would definitely recommend letting her come to you when she is ready to.  This is a really big change in her life and I'm sure it is overwhelming. As far as being in the WP, obviously you can't ask her to step down but she can chose not to be part of your wedding.  You're smart to wait and see how the year goes.  Good luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_cant-believe-im-writing-this-were-right?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:5e92fc93-00a6-41d8-98c7-40e98830214dPost:e3093f55-8cc1-4421-aa73-06d0ac5473fa">Re: I can't believe I'm writing this, you were all right</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would probably tell her that if the wedding bothers her so much, she doesn't have to be in it. 
    Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

    <div>THIS. EXACTLY.</div><div>sounds super awkward, but she can't expect every single person she knows to be a martyr for her causes. We can all be supportive, but not to the extent that we altar our lives (unless you're that rooted in it!)</div><div>
    </div><div>I've also seen some really cute ways for people to acknowledge the injustice of gay rights and wedding rights... like framing a statement on your support, and wishing your gay friends could share your joy, paired with an offering of white ribbons for people to take to show their support.</div><div>found this too:</div><div><a href="http://offbeatbride.com/2010/07/gay-marriage-support-letter" rel="nofollow">http://offbeatbride.com/2010/07/gay-marriage-support-letter</a></div>
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  • edited December 2011
    If one of my gay friends told me I shouldn't get married because they can't, I'd slap the stupid right out of them.  That is NOT what I'm advising you to do, but seriously, that pisses me off that she's trying to guilt you like that.

    I've supported a lot of people coming out, and I know that it can be super stressful and confusing, and occassionally an individual will start jumping on political bandwagons or transform into the epitome of the gay/lesbian stereotype because they are trying to find their new "identity" and place in the world.  But that does not give her the right to mistreat you or anyone else who is trying to be there for her.  Period.

    Hating on straight people because they aren't gay is one of my biggest pet peeves  because I'm a straight person who's been fighting to stop the hatred of gay people just because they're gay for many years.
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  • Meganr22Meganr22 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    It seems to me that by being mean and making some of the comments she has made to you that she is trying to get you to say she does not have to be in your wedding.  If she doesn't think you should get married she obviously no longer wishes to be in the wedding.  It looks as if she doesn't want to flat out come out and tell you that and is trying to put the decision on you.  I would never end the friendship, but you need to have a heart to heart with her and ask her if she no longer wishes to be in the wedding party, and you will understand if she doesn't, and that it will not affect your friendship with her if she chooses not to be.  I think she just doesn't know how to tell you and that is her way of expressing it.
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  • edited December 2011
    It is not your issue that she can not legally get married. She sounds a little jealous to me.
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