Moms and Maids

Mom & MOH (sister) drama with bridal shower (super long!)

So my situation's a little complicated, but I'll try to make it brief.  My fiance is British and I am American.  Our wedding is about one year from now in the UK.  I'm leaving the US permanently in another month though.  My MOH decided to throw a bridal shower while I'm still in the US, which even though it's a long time until the wedding, everyone seems to understand.  So here's my problem:

My sister, the MOH, approached me a few days ago and asked me about the guests for the bridal shower.  I told her that I would send her a list of the wedding guests.  She asked me if I wanted to invite anyone else and I told her that I thought it was rude to invite people that weren't being invited to the wedding.  She told me that it's different because my wedding is in the UK.  I told her that even if my wedding was here in the US, my guest list would be the same.  I'm not expecting all of those people to actually be able to make it to the wedding, it's the idea that I am close enough with them that I wanted to invite them.  She told me that she is going to invite a friend of her's (we'll call her Amanda).  I told her that I'm not close to Amanda at all, and I didn't think it was appropriate.  Then she started telling me how I am close to Amanda and should regard her as a better friend (even though she's not my friend at all, she's my sister's friend).  She also brought up two other friends of hers.  I told her no.

Tonight, my mom and sister corner me about inviting people not being invited to the wedding.  I again said that I wasn't comfortable with it.  They told me that I was overreacting.  They went on to suggest "reconnecting" with people I haven't talked to in ten years (seriously) by inviting them to the shower!  I get that this isn't for me to plan, but that feels super rude to me.  I feel like they are hijacking the guest list and filling it with people that I don't want there.  I told them that I didn't want those people there and it was wrong to use this as some sort of strange reunion when I have no want of reuniting with these people in the first place.  My sister called me a "brat".  At that point, I got pretty upset and started crying a bit.  Seeing this, my mom told me I was being a "drama queen".  Needless to say, I was now more upset.  I told them that if that's what the shower was going to be like, that I would honestly rather not have one.  They got super angry, told me that I was being stupid and we were having it anyway and we haven't spoken since (only a few hours, nothing overly dramatic, but it was the definite end of the discussion).  At some point in the conversation it was revealed that Amanda (and one of my sister's other friends) was being invited because my sister asked them for help in planning it.  I have two other bridesmaids who have been constantly offering to help and have not had their offers taken up on (which they told me on their own, I did not ask).

Additionally, I sent my save the dates last week and as I'm filling them out, my mom asks me if I need addresses for some of my cousins.  I reminded her that my fiance and I decided that we didn't have the budget/size to have cousins (which she had previously been told).  She then told me that she already mentioned it to some of them and basically invited them.  So I'm guessing I don't really have a choice now.

I just feel like I'm being sandbagged!  What do I do?  Please help!

Re: Mom & MOH (sister) drama with bridal shower (super long!)

  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You are just going to have to take the bull by the horns here.  I would refuse the shower if they are going to put you in such a position.

    As far as your cousins, that is on your mom.  You didn't mention it and it sounds like you are hosting your wedding.  Let your mom know that your list is final and firm.

    I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with them.  Would it help to show them an article in an etiquette book about shower guests also being invited to the wedding?  Have you asked them why Amanda is acceptable to them to help with the shower when she is not your friend, but your BM's are not?

    If you can't work this out, I'd decline.  If it were me, I would find a calm way to show them in black and white why this is unacceptable.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    I would firmly decline the shower now!  They are not taking your wishes into account and are planning a party that is more for them then it is for you.  They are also putting you in a crappy position with wanting to invite people that are not on your wedding guest list.

    As far as your guest list, the one who pays has the last say.  If you are paying for your wedding (which it sounds like you are) you have final say over everything.  Just tell your Mom that you are sorry but the list is final and that you will not be adding anyone else.  She will get over it.

    You are right on all accounts and definitely need to hold your ground.

    Good luck!

  • jolla92126jolla92126 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-moh-sister-drama-bridal-shower-super-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:628e1d07-cc94-4b34-b37e-82096a0d69ddPost:27bb096c-a951-466f-b934-86d846baa37e">Mom & MOH (sister) drama with bridal shower (super long!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Additionally, I sent my save the dates last week and as I'm filling them out, my mom asks me if I need addresses for some of my cousins.  I reminded her that my fiance and I decided that we didn't have the budget/size to have cousins (which she had previously been told).  She then told me that she already mentioned it to some of them and basically invited them.  <strong>So I'm guessing I don't really have a choice now.
    </strong>Posted by themedlands[/QUOTE]

    When she asked if you needed addresses, instead of telling her why you don't, just say you don't. Don't give her an opportunity to debate your decisions.

    Also, you do have a choice. Just because your mom mentioned the wedding to family members doesn't mean you have to invite them.
  • edited December 2011
    Decline the shower and stop talking about the wedding.  Send the STD's to the people on your list and the invitations also.  If she brings it up...smaile, tell her you have it covered and then change the subject, hang up, walk away.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    Decline the shower and let your mother and sister know that you are not attending the shower, and that they can inform the guests that they invited are not truly invited and will not have a seat or meal at your ceremony and reception. 
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