Pregnant Bridesmaid Advice

porrini06010

I really don't know what to do.  One of my bridesmaids (my future brother in laws wife) is pregnant and her due date is 3 weeks before the wedding.  We haven't really been speaking since November because we had a disagreement when it came to the dress.  I know I was upset because rather than showing excitement (even if it was fake) she just made me feel like she didn't want to be in the wedding anymore and that she would get back to me on it.  I told her if she wanted to step down I would understand.  I told her that I realized that due dates are not an exact science and she could go early she could go late.  She could have a hard delivery and be put on extended bed rest.  I didn't want her to feel any pressure.  She eventually let me know she would be.  I was good and just wanted to move on.  Didn't want to dwell on it.  Well that was November and we have hardly spoke.  The more attempts I make to open communication by asking about her and the baby the colder her responses are.

She is scheduled to order her dress tomorrow.  My future father in law informed me on Sunday that I have to accept the fact that she may be in and come to the wedding or she may not and I just need to learn to deal with that. 

My mother said I should not stress and just ask her to step down.  I don't know what to do.  I would hate to see her waste money on the dress and then not be able to come.  I don't want her to feel like I don't want her to participate.  I also don't want to stress about this, order flowers for her and have her not show up, print her name in the program and have her not show up.  I am just so conflicted.

katiedidthat

I really think this is one of those times when you need to let an adult make a decision for themselves.  I assume you chose her to be a bridesmaid because you were close to her, so why would that change now?  Yes, she may not be able to come, but that shouldn't mean you start stressing over it now(in January, when your wedding is in late June).  Let her worry about being pregnant right now, and if she doesn't make it to your wedding, give her a call of congratulations, let her know she is missed, and then enjoy your wedding. 

porrini06010

While I do realzie it is 5 months and that may be a long way to go I just don't want any last minute surprises for myself or added stress on her. 

MairePoppy

Listen to your ffil. Your fsil will be a new mom by the time your wedding rolls around. She may not be up to attending your wedding. Or she may be able to attend with new baby in arms. There is no way to get a definite answer to that question ahead of time.

Your mom's solution is insensitive. Asking someone to drop out of your wedding party is the same as kicking them to the curb. If you do this you will damage your relationship with her and probably with your new in-laws.

This is one situation that you can just allow to play out. If your fsil orders the dress and can't wear it, it doesn't affect you. Find out from the bridal shop what the very last date to place that order would be. Give the due date to your fsil and leave her alone.

If at the last minute your fsil isn't able to participate, it will be a nice gesture on your part to leave her listed in your program as a bridesmaid and have your fbil bring her bouquet to her, so she knows you were thinking of her.

paprika28

As a bride with exactly half of my bridal party pregnant, I'm gonna give you some advice. Seriously.

Do not ask her to step down. First off, realize how amazing this is, that she's bringing a new life in to the world! Seriously! People try for years and sometimes never get pregnant- and she gets to share this with you. I spoke with both of my preggo bridesmaids and let them know this- 'I asked you to be in my wedding for a reason- I love you dearly, and I'm more excited for you than anything. I want you to know that if you don't feel like you'd be up to standing up there, I won't be upset, but I'll understand. I want you standing next to me, but I don't want to make you feel like you have to be there if you can't.' Both of them already agreed to let me know in advance if they couldn't do it, and we've decided that if they can't, their name will be in the program anyway, and they will not be replaced. Do not replace her if she decides to step down on her own.

HTH.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63626f59-675a-40aa-a3fb-c907ad4ee068Post:6c3b229d-8563-44ca-93ef-30c655deeba5">Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]While I do realzie it is 5 months and that may be a long way to go<strong> I just don't want any last minute surprises</strong> for myself or added stress on her. 
Posted by porrini06010[/QUOTE]
Welcome to life.  There will be dozens of last minute surprises on your wedding day that you'll have to adapt for and roll with.  Might as well brace yourself for that now.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63626f59-675a-40aa-a3fb-c907ad4ee068Post:1990cff0-7025-4da8-a2bf-f81fa3129d31">Pregnant Bridesmaid Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't know what to do.  One of my bridesmaids (my future brother in laws wife) is pregnant and her due date is 3 weeks before the wedding.  We haven't really been speaking since November because we had a disagreement when it came to the dress.  I know I was upset because rather than showing excitement (even if it was fake) she just made me feel like she didn't want to be in the wedding anymore and that she would get back to me on it.  I told her if she wanted to step down I would understand.  I told her that I realized that due dates are not an exact science and she could go early she could go late.  She could have a hard delivery and be put on extended bed rest.  I didn't want her to feel any pressure.  She eventually let me know she would be.  I was good and just wanted to move on.  Didn't want to dwell on it.  Well that was November and we have hardly spoke.  The more attempts I make to open communication by asking about her and the baby the colder her responses are. She is scheduled to order her dress tomorrow.  My future father in law informed me on Sunday that I have to accept the fact that she may be in and come to the wedding or she may not and I just need to learn to deal with that. <strong> My mother said I should not stress and just ask her to step down.  I don't know what to do.  I would hate to see her waste money on the dress and then not be able to come.  I don't want her to feel like I don't want her to participate.  I also don't want to stress about this, order flowers for her and have her not show up, print her name in the program and have her not show up.  I am just so conflicted.</strong>
Posted by porrini06010[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Please, please, do NOT listen to your mother on this issue. If FSIL wants to be a BM, she will get the dress and be there the day of the wedding. If she decides that she can't do it she will eat the costs, it might suck for her but I doubt it she will regret it. </div><div>
</div><div>If she doesn't show up just give her the flowers anyway as a congratulations and still honor her as BM in the program. My friend's sister gave birth 2 days before her wedding and she was still listed as BM even though she wasn't there. </div><div>
</div><div>You are over thinking this issue. As long as she gets the dress which is her responsibility and is there then she's a BM. If she doesn't get it then she has taken herself out. Leave all your regular plans of flowers and program listings there if she gets her dress. </div><div>
</div>

porrini06010

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I truly have no intentions of asking her not to be in the wedding.  I was ready to move on from this months ago but people keep bringing it up to me and I am letting it effect me.

Thanks!  I am truly not an insensitve person.

MairePoppy

That's great, porrini. Don't let the busybodies un-nerve you over these small details. Good luck.

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:63626f59-675a-40aa-a3fb-c907ad4ee068Post:db82ed90-82bd-4736-a112-223b5ef302f4">Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice everyone.  I truly have no intentions of asking her not to be in the wedding.  I was ready to move on from this months ago but people keep bringing it up to me and I am letting it effect me. Thanks!  I am truly not an insensitve person.
Posted by porrini06010[/QUOTE]
If people keep bringing it up just ignore it and change the subject.  

garcias1

I think everyone covered the basics.  I agree that she should wait to buy the dress.  If she orders it now, it is probably not going to fit her in 5 months whether she's had the baby or not.  Why don't you just let her buy a dress off the rack in the right color when it gets closer?