Moms and Maids

this is NOT a competition

Hi ladies,
I have kind of been stalking this board for a few days to see if anyone is experiencing anything similar to this.
My FI is divorced.  He has an almost 9yr old son from his previous marriage.  Because of his son, there is some interaction with his ex-wife.  Which isn't the problem at all, we get along fine (as best as exes and wives can anyway). 
Well, because of visitation rights and my future step-son being a part of our wedding, we had to notify my FI's ex of our date, and that we will be taking their son to HI for our DW.  And that's how we found out that she is getting married less than 3 weeks later.  Okay, no big deal.  We were able to work out visitation so that we both keep our dates, and the little guy gets to be a part of both ceremonies, with some downtime inbetween.  Perfect.....not quite.

My FMIL is aware that "the ex" is having a wedding shortly after we are and is set on every little detail "having a wow factor".  All because she knows that her grandson will go tell his mom about the excitement.  My FI told his mom that the "wow factor" is the fact that we are getting married in Maui (we live in TX).  But that's not enough.  I bought my dress a few days ago, and was adamant about sticking to the budget, the dress was $100 over my budget, so she paid $150 towards it.  Which I am grateful for and thankful for, but I don't like her motives.

She keeps making comments about weddings she had attended before that "just didn't wow me"
We aren't the wow kind of people.  We want something fun, beachy and intimate.  She has offered to pay for close to half of the wedding (my parents aren't contributing), how do we keep her inline without offending her? 
I have already told her that I appreciate her chipping in and I am trying to be mindful of the budget so that she doesn't over spend. ANd she just makes a face as if I spit at her. 
Any suggestions???
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Re: this is NOT a competition

  • edited December 2011
    You haven't said anything which suggests your FMIL's suggestions to upgrade your wedding has anything to do with his ex getting married. Perhaps she just honestly doesn't like the choices you have made and she wants something better for her son.

    Since she is being so nice to pay for so much, I think you should be respectful and hear her out. It is possible that she has a better idea than you do. If you don't want to hear her ideas, you shouldn't have accepted her money.
  • edited December 2011
    Maybe have a gentle talk about the elephant in the room, you aren't interested in changing your wedding the impress the Ex....
    Or you could remind her if she makes that face enough is will stay that way. Wink

    Are you SURE its not a competition, because another girl out there somewher might have a "wowier" wedding than you some day? Ha!
  • edited December 2011
    First and foremost, she is your FH's mom and he needs to deal with her.  I'd stay out of that discussion!  Unfortunately, if you take her money, you have to put up with opinions/interference/drama.  If you don't want to deal with it...don't take the money and have a wedding that you can afford.

    Good luck!  My DD married a divorced man with an 8 year old son.  She has worked hard since they started dating to make the relationship with the Ex as positive as possible.  It sounds like you are doing the same.  Good for you!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • edited December 2011
    Honestly, I would sit down with her and ask her straight out what her expectations are for the wedding, just to get it all out in the open. I don't know what kind of "wow" she is looking for, but I would try to find out all of the ways she is thinking. If you aren't close with her, your FI could also ask, but I don't think this would be confrontational at all. Then, say you will think about her suggestions and talk them over with your FI.

    Talk them over with him, one by one, to try to figure out if that fits in your image of your wedding day. Maybe there are some things that aren't that big of a deal and maybe there will be some things that you absolutely do not want, but figuring all out now may save you a lot of arguments as each step rolls around. Anything that you really can't stand, I would try to talk up your vision for that part of the wedding and maybe she will start to understand what you are looking for, and that that will be just as beautiful. 
    image
  • edited December 2011

    This is a conversation your FI should be having with his mother.

    Together, you can talk with her and your FI might consider saying something along the lines of - "Mom, we certainly appreciate your generosity of offering to contribute to our wedding. However, the wedding that scottie_mommy and I would like to have doesn't seem to be in line with what you are hoping we'll have. Therefore we'd like to assume full responsibility for the wedding ourselves and I do hope you'll enjoy celebrating with us when the day comes."

    There. You now have full control over the event you want to have w/o her input.

    Now is also a good time for you and your FI - especially him since it's his mother - to be setting some boundaries with FMIL...otherwise she's going to think it's fine to insert her opinion into your marriage when she sees fit. And if your FI is a mature adult with a son to care for, I'm going to assume he's capable to making decisions on his own - along with you, of course - over what kind of wedding you two will have...without Mom's opinions everywhere. Why is SHE so inetrested in impressing her son's ex-wife anyway? Who cares.

    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    CT is spot on.  First of all, this is a conversation that your FI needs to have with his mother.  (She also needs to stop watching wedding shows.  I am so sick of hearing people talk about the "wow" factor that when I hear it, I just want to jam a pencil in my ear.)

    If you don't want a competition, then don't accept "favors" that will turn it into a competition.  Good luck.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • scottie_mommyscottie_mommy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone.
    I talked to my FI earlier today.  And naturally he got defensive.  I told him that just like my mom keeps telling people they are invited (when they are not) and I am the one who needs to keep her in line, he is responsible for talking with his mom when she crosses boundaries.

    She hasn't explicitly said that she wants to outdo the Ex's wedding, but that's her personality. Once you scorn her, she will rub things in your face.  His response was, "You know she's like that, she's always been like that. Why does it bother you now?"
    I told him that it never had anything to do with me before and I don't want to be involved.  He said he understood and the next time we discuss the wedding he will step in if she starts to take over.  Which is all I wanted! So I am very grateful.

    As far as accepting her money, I also told him that I do not want her paying for things if she is doing it out of spite or to show off. People are not coming to be "wowed" they are coming to see two people who love each other, commit to one another and if that doesn't wow them enough then they shouldn't be there.  (harsh, but that's how I feel)
    In regards to the dress, the bridal consultant/shop owner who helped us, went to my mom, grandma and FMIL (who were sitting together) and gave them the total while I was getting out of the dress with my MOH in the dressing room.  I was the one planning to pay.  My FMIL had already told me that she would put $500 towards the dress, before we went shopping.  I planned to spend $1000 total, including alterations.  The dress was marked $1129.  She offered it to my family at $1000.99, and when I came out of the dressing room I asked the salesperson to discuss the price with me.  She said she had given it to the moms and they agreed.

    I don't understand who or how they agreed.  My FMIL said she would cover the difference.  And got the shops contact info so that she can make payments directly to the shop.  I think that's above and beyond what any MIL should do, and I am super grateful to have her help and support.  I know some brides dream that their MIL would be that giving towards them.  I just feel like she is taking over the wedding.  She wants us to have our dream wedding, but my dream and her dream are different.  I don't want to hurt her feelings, or upset the ex or anyone else.  This is becoming stressful, it was supposed to be fun.  Maybe I am overreacting. 

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  • superjules916superjules916 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am marrying a man who has never been married but has a 12 year old son. My FMIL passed away 2 years ago, but my parents are so the opposite. FSS's mom got married a few years ago at a venue in my town. My dad wants us to look at it even though FI and I are both uncomfortable getting married the same place that she did. It's not that I'm trying to make it a competition but she is the type who will say that we only got married there because she did. Or FSS will tell everyone that that is where is mom got married (out of child-like innocence not malice) and then it'll be about her on my wedding. I don't even want to hear her name on my wedding day until someone says, "FSS's mom is here to pick him up"
  • scottie_mommyscottie_mommy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    aw, superjules  I understand. 
    It's hard with kids involved because they do say things, not out of malice, but because they are kids.
    My FSS saw a pic of my dress and asked me why my dress is so much prettier than his mom's.  I had to explain to him that all dresses are beautiful and different girls like different things.  That boys are so lucky because they only need to wear slacks and a nice shirt or tux.  All girls like different things and different girls like different dresses but all girls look pretty in all dresses.

    I feel like the world is turning this into a competition and as the bride I am playing damage control, lol.  Sounds like you are in a similar situation, Good luck superjules....we have our work cut out for us! 
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