Rehersal Dinner FMIL HELP!!!

easton87

My rehersal dinner is a few months away (July 29th, the day before my wedding).  July 29th also happens to be my father's birthday.  Instead of going out to a fancy dinner, which is what my FMIL wants, we decided to have a big birthday party/bbq for him in my parents backyard.  They have a 2 acre backyard and a big outdoor firepit.  It's going to be awesome.  It's also going to be great because my dads brothers, sisters, and parents, all who live across the country, are going to be there and they haven't all been together for his birthday in a long, long time.

My FMIL is FURIOUS!  She says we should all have the family out to a fancy restaurant (she's talking like over 50 people here!).  I think it would be much more relaxed and layed back in my parents backyard, plus it's my dad's birthday and I want him to be able to relax too.  Plus, my parents live down the street from her, so it's not like they have to driver 2 hours!

We are not fancy.  SHE is not fancy.  THE FAMILY isn't fancy.  I guess she just watns to impress her family, but this is ridiculous.  The wedding reception the next day is going to be very high-class, isn't that enough for her?

Hippinhipster

Unless she's paying for the event I don't think she should have a say in it... I think it sounds like a really great idea

8daysaweek

If FMIL is paying you either need to do it her way or decline her offer and pay for the RD you want yourself.
However I would recommend keeping in mind that your relationship with FMIL is going to go far beyond the wedding. If you'd previously told her that she could host the RD, how will she feel if you change your mind now?

Remember the wedding is just one day; the family relationships are for the rest of your life.

easton87

To clarify, she is NOT paying for the dinner and I never told her she could host... this backyard bbq was the idea all along.

reneeb0618

The rule is if she isn't paying, she has no say. But PPs are right, she will be your MIL for a long time.

Maybe you could get creative and do hors d'oeuvres somewhere nice before the reshearsal... or even a lunch. But only if she wants to pay for it! This dosn't eliminate the issues of how to dress.

I love my FMIL, and so I wish everyone else could have a great one!  Hope you can work something out.

sarah42nd

she will get over it..... or hate you forever but some times thats a good thing ...

[Deleted User]

I think the backyard bbq sounds like a great idea. And a lot of fun.

I think I would just drop the subject since it isn't until July. By the time you have to start buying and preparing food, hopefully she will be over it and all will be just fine.

BluValkyrie

Since she's not paying for it, she can be as furious as she wants to be and it'll be no skin off your back.  Do what you want to do for your RD and let her be p*ssy; will only make her look immature in the end.

em01092

Just say you appreciate her input but this is what you all want to do for the listed reasons. Tell her you are sorry if she is offended (MOG often hosts the RD, but it is not mandatory) because she isn't hosting, but offer for her to host another lunch or something, as PP suggested. You could offer up something else, like if you are having a bridesmaid's luncheon. MOB and MOG usually go to these, so if you would like one and haven't already appointed this, she might be appeased with free reign for this. If she is fancy, let her go to town with a formal tea luncheon for your ladies. 

Like PPs said, this woman will be in your life the rest of your marriage. Try and offer her a way to help out and let her feel included. But I know planning along side her over things you care more about (like reception, colors, food, etc) can be problematic from time to time. Letting her do something entirely will usually let her get her fix and will relieve you of some planning stress. 

jcamm11

She wants YOU to host a RD at a fancy restaurant to impress HER family?  F* her.

kirshy156

Oh I can totally relate to this! From the get-go fi and I said we'd prefer a casual rehearsal dinner, since the formal wedding was the next day. We suggested a buffet since we'd all be hungry after reheasing and wouldn't have to wait! Also my MOH is a bit picky, and this way everyone could get what they wanted. None of my side that is going would think poorly of this... his side (his siblings and such) are totally for the idea.... but FMIL flipped out! She wants something fancy. I don't understand. Everyone that is going would prefer something low-key but every idea I have she just hates. She's so concerned about appearances, but everyone else just wants to have a good time! I know how frusterating it is!

lanejane

I think your plan sounds like a lot of fun and in the end ppl will enjoy themselves and that's all that matters.

StephieBow

The more I read these boards, the more I feel blessed to have the FMIL I have.

You need to find a balance between the RD you want and something that will make her happy... I only say that because you want to start your marriage out on the right foot even if she isn't paying.

KJ7985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rehersal-dinner-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:68e0d06e-5e3f-4b73-85f9-68e8d87b7e5ePost:d6d99ed2-b975-431e-9de1-5a5f9ec64718">Re: Rehersal Dinner FMIL HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]She wants YOU to host a RD at a fancy restaurant to impress HER family?  F* her.
Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

<div>Yep. This. </div><div>
</div><div>On every other board that mentions wedding related parties, the concensus seems to be that whoever foots the bill gets their way. You're footing the bill? You guys do what YOU want. I would just drop the subject altogether. When the time comes, invite them and just leave it at that. </div>

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_rehersal-dinner-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:68e0d06e-5e3f-4b73-85f9-68e8d87b7e5ePost:850dec82-e366-4bfd-b550-fd96ca832546">Re: Rehersal Dinner FMIL HELP!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the backyard bbq sounds like a great idea. And a lot of fun. I think I would just drop the subject since it isn't until July. By the time you have to start buying and preparing food, hopefully she will be over it and all will be just fine.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this, give her some time, this doesn't need to be planned right now. </div>

aschiessl

i agree with everyone on here if she isnt paying for it it is not up to her plus its the day before your wedding you want to have a nice relaxing evening with your family and friends.  I think a bbq is a great idea we are also doing a bbq its in the summer time so enjoy the summer weather.  Plus its your dads birthday i think its really sweet that you are doing that so he can relax to. Just ignore your fmil about the RD and enjoy YOUR wedding.

heinz11msw

Tell her since she is not hosting, you are choosing where this will be. That is ridiculous of her to care that much.

JessicaE84

When it gets closer and everyone gets excited about the wedding coming up, I would imagine she will get over it. We are doing a bowling party instead of a formal rehearsal dinner and, even though some family thought it was a bit weird at first, everyone is really excited for it now that they have had time to wrap their minds around it.

csousa1

I love your backyard bbq idea! The hands down BEST wedding I ever went to was fun because it was so laid back, and they had a bbq rehearsal dinner. It's true that you will have a relationship with this woman for the rest of your life, but despite what many people feel you are NOT her inferior. It may feel like that in the beginning when you are trying to impress your future in laws but, in the long run, you are all adults and all equals. Think about when kids come in to the picture - nothing she will ever say is more important than your children and what you believe is best for them. I say it can't hurt to show her early on just how important your family is to you and make it clear where you stand on a subject.

matuofm

I fully agree with everything that has been said about her not having a say if she's not hosting the party.  But I also see an excellent point in not burning your bridges there before you're even married.

If it's possible, I might ask her (non-confrontationally) what EXACTLY is upsetting her about this.  From the content of your post, I'm not really sure what her justification is.  If she just feels like you're not being fancy enough, then she's just going to have to deal with it. 

But I'm wondering if there's an underlying problem here that she's upset about.  Like...maybe she feels like a rehearsal dinner/dad's birthday party at your parents' house with your whole side of the family says to the world that you guys feel like your side of the family is more important than hers.  Still petty, true.  But if that was the case, you could probably find another way to soothe her fears/hurt about that without having to deal with her complaining about the party, and the gesture itself might be the validation she was looking for.

knottief7f08860652a16bf

I agree that you should keep the casual back yard bbq-- tell her that because of your dad's b-day and because you wanted something very relaxing, you are going ahead with the bbq, but if she would like to host an additional-pre weding dinner, or a post-wedding brunch at an elegant restaurant, she may.

Stef&Bobby0612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-dallas-ft-worth_wedding-special?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:102Discussion:adf0bb85-f2bb-4090-ab54-197812f239e5Post:d5f0c9a2-baa2-4d71-9156-58a79747f8b1">Re: Wedding special!</a>:
[QUOTE]Vendors are not allowed on The Knot - you have been reported.
Posted by rcpm44[/QUOTE]

Ditto

niecie_jeff

I had to laugh out loud at this...only because it sounds so much like my FMIL!!! She has suggested we hold the RD in her backyard and she will cook for it. We told her that we appreciate the offer, but will hold it at a resturant somewhere. She will not talk to me know because of it! We have decided on the resturant since she has a small house and would have to rent a tent and everything for this (and she is always complaining that she doesnt have any money....) and for the fact that everytime we eat her food, my FH and I are sick the next day...not really the way I want to feel on my wedding day.

HeatherParises

Good luck with this I like the backyard idea and I think that your inviting everyone on both sides which is awesome! I also think its really nice that you are sharing your rehearsal dinner day with your dads birthday, you seem very down to earth.I say stick with the plans for the BBQ

Lesley Slaybaugh

Its your wedding. I say you do as you want! 

fotomatt

As a photographer who has captured many of these events, I'll assure you that you are on the right track. A fancy sitdown does NOT allow for families and friends to engage eachother. 

On the other hand, your plans for a backyard bash opens up interaction, shows great respect for your Dad and sounds like a truly memorable gathering. 

I would hope for everyone's sake that your FMIL will be honest enough to acknowledge (after it's done) that it was, indeed, the way to go!

From somewhere on Colorado's Continental Divide, 

Matt Lit

LITfoto.com

blog.LITfoto.com

shoebie

I think its great of you to allow your dads bday to be the spotlight the night before your big day you are a great daughter and if fmil does not like it she can go to the fancy restaurant by her self in my opinion

hee2351

forget the FMIL's opinion. im very lucky, because both my parents had to deal with monster mother in laws, and they understand. my mom has told me since iwas 16, "its your wedding, do whatever you want to do." who cares if she's happy? if you want to focus on your family, then do it!