Moms and Maids

How would YOU ask??

I recently had a BM back out of the wedding, and after FI and I discussed, I am going to ask my cousin to step in and take her place.  How do I ask her without her feeling that she's "second best"?  I know we don't have to ask someone to fill in, but both FI and I do not like the idea of uneven sides in BP, so that's not an option.  She is under 18, and would need some financial assistance from her parents for the dress, so I could use help with ideas for asking her, and for asking her parents.  Thanks!

Re: How would YOU ask??

  • tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Your wedding is next May.  This is why we tell brides over and over to not pick the WP until 5 - 6 months before.  Does your cousin know that original lineup? If not, just ask her.  If she does, just ask her.  I doubt that a teenager is going to get bent out of shape over being asked to be a BM, no matter what the timing is.  Unless you are willing to cover any expenses, I'd talk to her parents first.  She may have a PT job that will allow her to contribute to the expenses - I know I started babysitting at 12.
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  • jagore08jagore08 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:697d217d-76a3-4963-9ce5-acbb3eb9ea2fPost:d0fdd66b-b558-43a6-9e65-56a860e8de6f">How would YOU ask??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I recently had a BM back out of the wedding, and after FI and I discussed, I am going to ask my cousin to step in and take her place.  How do I ask her without her feeling that she's "second best"?  I know we don't have to ask someone to fill in, but both FI and I do not like the idea of uneven sides in BP, so that's not an option.  She is under 18, and would need some financial assistance from her parents for the dress, so I could use help with ideas for asking her, and for asking her parents.  Thanks!
    Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I don't think there is a way to ask without her feeling like she wasn't good enough to ask the first round.  Unless they have no idea you asked your WP already.  </div>
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  • brilibby4brilibby4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Eek.  Don't ask.  If she meant enough to you to be a bm, you would have done it in the first place.  Asking her now is a slap in the face IMO. 
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  • edited December 2011
    If what is said here about not asking is not going to change your mind, talk to her parents first.  She's a minor.  If they don't have the money, it could change her ability to be in the wedding party, unless you're able to cover her dress.  And please don't expect her to contribute to the shower or to the bachelorette party, if people are throwing you those parties.  She may be able to, but let the MOH know about the situation.
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  • edited December 2011
    what saisongbird said...absolutely!
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't ask.  She IS second string, otherwise you would have asked her in the first place, and there's really no way around that.
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    So you really are more concerned about even sides than people's feelings? If she knows your original line-up, then yes she will feel like she's second string. This is why the girls on here tell people to ask those that are closest to you to stand with you, and having uneven sides is very common. Getting hung up on even sides means people are just props for your wedding photos and don't really mean as much to you as they should.

    But, it sounds like you've already made up your mind because you want to know how to ask her and her parents. And, probably no matter what is said on here you're going to do it anyway. Be prepared for her parents to say no, they cannot help with expenses. What then? Who's the third string person you're going to bring in?

    ETA: I'm not trying to be mean or snarky, but look at this from an outsider's point of view. Is having one less bridesmaid really that big of a deal?
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  • edited December 2011
  • Dana JRDana JR member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry, but, I have been a "second tier" bridesmaid before. There is no nice way to ask. 
  • rae19rae19 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Ummm.... I think to ask or not to ask depends on the reason why your original BM backed out.

    my MOH turned into a total raging you-know-what after we got engaged. she has always been moody, but hey, she was my oldest friend of 18 years. she was NOT happy for me and made it clear to me and everyone we knew. she was making me feel terrible, unexcited, and generally really crappy and unsupported. my entire WP hated her. so when I said she had to shape up or ship out, she didn't care enough about our relationship to stay. I didn't want her attitude to ruin our day, and thought after this she wouldn't be there for me or us in the next 5 years.

    I explained all this to my now MOH, who is fabulous, sweet, supportive and EXCITED! she understood that I chose my oldest friend, and had seen how unhappy I was to be in the situation I was in. She gladly accepted my (very nervous) proposal that she step in. And that's a real friend. She will be there 5 years from now, and more!

    Sometimes relationships change. Many ladies here talk about how getting engaged has changed their friendships. Somtimes we make the wrong decision for wrong reasons. A real friend should be able to understand that. I'm lucky to have someone who did.

    so don't just rule her out because "she's second fiddle." if you have a really good reason (not just to have "even sides" or a "certain look") then I think it's ok. but since she's a minor I would talk to her folks first. good luck!

  • lisab613lisab613 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i suspect i was a second-stringer once. i wasn't that close to the couple (my cousin was the male half) so i have no idea if they had asked someone else first, or what led up to it, but it was kind of close to the wedding.
    the bride just asked me like you would ask anyone else. i thought it was a little strange, since we weren't that close, but i accepted and it was fine.
    i don't think your cousin would take it badly that she was asked later than the other girls. it's still an honor to be part of someone's big day, IMO.
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