Disappearing Maids?

LindsayE+T

I asked my two cousins and a dear friend to be my bridesmaids for my wedding.  I have always been very close to these girls and couldn't imagine asking anyone else.  Well, once I officially asked and the planning was under way, they completely disappeared.  They don't help me or even ask how the planning is coming.  Sometimes they say they will help, but when it comes to figuring out a time for them to come over/go look at something with me, they back out. My friend knew about my bridal shower but just recently decided to plan a trip on that weekend, so she isn't coming.  I understand that everyone is busy and they are under no obligation to do anything but get the dress and show up,  But I feel as though they want to be important on the big day, but don't want anything to do with the planning or even with me until then.  It's very hurtful.  Am I overreacting? If not, should I say something? Or just continue on and be as graceful as I can during this process?

McKenna2012

Yes, you are over reacting. They are not obligated to do anything but get a dress and show up for the ceremony.

vicki0508

My MOH is my sister, and she has not once asked me how planning is going.  And I'm grateful for that.

aerinpegadrak

No one will care about your wedding as much as you do, and that's okay.  Repeat that to yourself until it gets through.  Your wedding is indeed a very important day, but the pre-parties and the engagement period are not that day.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disappearing-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bc44c9-0220-4679-aeef-63e47d9e0d7cPost:8838a786-59eb-40d4-843f-6bc4a2a5109c">Disappearing Maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked my two cousins and a dear friend to be my bridesmaids for my wedding.  I have always been very close to these girls and couldn't imagine asking anyone else.  Well, once I officially asked and the planning was under way, they completely disappeared.  They don't help me or even ask how the planning is coming.  Sometimes they say they will help, but when it comes to figuring out a time for them to come over/go look at something with me, they back out. My friend knew about my bridal shower but just recently decided to plan a trip on that weekend, so she isn't coming.  I understand that everyone is busy and they are under no obligation to do anything but get the dress and show up,  But I feel as though they want to be important on the big day, but don't want anything to do with the planning or even with me until then.  It's very hurtful.  Am I overreacting? If not, should I say something? Or just continue on and be as graceful as I can during this process?
Posted by LindsayE+T[/QUOTE]

sprtychick10

There is only one BM who has helped me with some of the planning with my wedding. The other girls live in different states and have their own busy lives to deal with, much less drop everything and help me plan my wedding. This is something you are going to have to get over and move on with the planning of your wedding.

LindsayE+T

To clarify, I AM moving on and continuing to plan.  And I'm not asking ANYONE to drop everything and focus on me.  I guess when I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. Maybe I shouldn't expect this from everyone.

As suggested here, I will keep my mouth shut. But I must say, I will never ask for an opinion on this board again and will never direct a friend here.

Kniblet

[QUOTE]But I feel as though they want to be important on the big day, but don't want anything to do with the planning or even with me until then.
Posted by LindsayE+T[/QUOTE]
By being there for you on the big day, THAT makes them important on the big day.  They shouldn't have to do anything else.  Use your FI to plan things.

Kniblet

[QUOTE] But I must say, I will never ask for an opinion on this board again and will never direct a friend here.
Posted by LindsayE+T[/QUOTE]
There is no reason for you to be like this.  ALL of the Knot boards are the same in that when you post something, you will get honest answers.  No one was being mean to you.

I learned a LOT by posting and reading on these boards.  Step back and take a deep breath.  Realize that no one is out to get you.  Would you rather that posters lie to you and justify everything you say?  It won't help.  Better that strangers tell you the truth than your friends talk trash about you behind your back, right?

sprtychick10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disappearing-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bc44c9-0220-4679-aeef-63e47d9e0d7cPost:9c5495ac-7942-48f5-ad91-d7d27e24d62f">Re: Disappearing Maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is no reason for you to be like this.  ALL of the Knot boards are the same in that when you post something, you will get honest answers.  No one was being mean to you. I learned a LOT by posting and reading on these boards.  Step back and take a deep breath.  <strong>Realize that no one is out to get you</strong>.  Would you rather that posters lie to you and justify everything you say?  It won't help.  Better that strangers tell you the truth than your friends talk trash about you behind your back, right?
Posted by Kniblet[/QUOTE]

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disappearing-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bc44c9-0220-4679-aeef-63e47d9e0d7cPost:defc5654-2bf8-4930-abb6-e38c0c7ba6de">Re: Disappearing Maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]To clarify, I AM moving on and continuing to plan.  And I'm not asking ANYONE to drop everything and focus on me.  I guess when I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. Maybe I shouldn't expect this from everyone. As suggested here, I will keep my mouth shut. But I must say, I will never ask for an opinion on this board again and will never direct a friend here.
Posted by LindsayE+T[/QUOTE]

I think that just lowering the expectations you have of your WP will make you feel less dissatisfied and happier in the long run.  The answers you've gotten were fair.  Stick around and lurk some on these boards. 

mandi921vh

I can understand that you are upset that they said they would help and then backed out but they are not obligated to help you with your wedding planning (that is what your FI is for) or attend your pre-wedding parties. 

LindsayE+T

That's fine.

I'm done.

Thanks, ladies.

joiner521

Sounds like they may be a little envious.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disappearing-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bc44c9-0220-4679-aeef-63e47d9e0d7cPost:8ba2f285-1575-4ad7-a125-245b7c6be418">Re: Disappearing Maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like they may be a little envious.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]
Sigh.  Do you know how to say anything else?

msteph82

I can see why you would be concerned that your wedding party does not seem interested in planning any pre-party events or being involved in the wedding planning.  And I can see that you don't expect them to do so, you just wanted them to.  

I'm sorry you're upset at the responses you got.  The boards are honest and frank.  If you lurk a little more, you'll get the general feeling of the board. 

But feel free to still ask questions, that's what the boards are here for.

Have you checked out your month board? Or your local board?  Sometimes those can be a better fit if you aren't finding you like the atitude of the international boards.

Hope this helps!

heinz11msw

They are not obligated to help with anything except for helping you get ready and what not on the day of the wedding. The term bridesmaid doesn't actually mean they are your maids. You are overacting. None of my ladies have helped me and I have not asked them to. I dont feel they should help me. Of course they are not going to be as excited as you.. it is not their wedding.

heinz11msw

"Do people really get jealous of someone else just for getting married? "

Yes, sadly. Apparently you have never had cattty girlfriends. You are lucky, lol.

amandanoelle12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disappearing-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bc44c9-0220-4679-aeef-63e47d9e0d7cPost:8838a786-59eb-40d4-843f-6bc4a2a5109c">Disappearing Maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked my two cousins and a dear friend to be my bridesmaids for my wedding.  I have always been very close to these girls and couldn't imagine asking anyone else.  Well, once I officially asked and the planning was under way, they completely disappeared.  They don't help me or even ask how the planning is coming.  Sometimes they say they will help, but when it comes to figuring out a time for them to come over/go look at something with me, they back out. My friend knew about my bridal shower but just recently decided to plan a trip on that weekend, so she isn't coming.  I understand that everyone is busy and they are under no obligation to do anything but get the dress and show up,  But I feel as though they want to be important on the big day, but don't want anything to do with the planning or even with me until then.  It's very hurtful.  Am I overreacting? If not, should I say something? Or just continue on and be as graceful as I can during this process?
Posted by LindsayE+T[/QUOTE]

Ok.. I'm not planning yet, though I am in a wedding in June.  So this isn't my opinion as a bride, but a bridesmaid.

IMO, The bridesmaid should at least attend the shower.  If they're out of state and pretty far away, I can understand.  If they have something really important going on that day, I can understand.  I just couldn't imagine planning a weekend trip on the weekend of my friend's bridal shower.. knowing that the dates conflict.  I just wouldn't do it. 

And I don't get that people say "they only need to buy the dress and show up on the big day".  Yes, that's the minimum, but It would be nice if they helped out with the bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc.  I feel like if you accept to be someone's bridesmaid, it's not just your job to stand there and look pretty, you could help a little.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_disappearing-maids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bc44c9-0220-4679-aeef-63e47d9e0d7cPost:fa018930-9cd0-4fee-9125-76c4b2dda3e0">Re: Disappearing Maids?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Disappearing Maids? : Ok.. I'm not planning yet, though I am in a wedding in June.  So this isn't my opinion as a bride, but a bridesmaid. IMO, The bridesmaid should at least attend the shower.  If they're out of state and pretty far away, I can understand.  If they have something really important going on that day, I can understand.  I just couldn't imagine planning a weekend trip on the weekend of my friend's bridal shower.. knowing that the dates conflict.  I just wouldn't do it.  And I don't get that people say "they only need to buy the dress and show up on the big day".  <strong>Yes, that's the minimum, but It would be nice if they helped out with the bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc.  </strong>I feel like if you accept to be someone's bridesmaid, it's not just your job to stand there and look pretty, you could help a little.
Posted by amandanoelle12[/QUOTE]
Yes, it would certainly be nice.  That still doesn't make it required.  Presumably you're helping your friend out with her wedding because you love her and want her to have a special day, not because someone handed you a list and gave you chores to do, right?

maddox2181

I disagree with everyone else. BM's are expected to help you with "parts" of your wedding. If you were to google BM duties there are multiple things they are expected to help with. I am having the same problem with mine. I have been in MANY weddings and tended to each and every brides wishes and wants. I feel like mine are very simple. However, they have not put in any effort. It is very hurtful as a women who thought these are the girls she wanted standing beside her and helping her with a day she will never forget. I think you should talk about the issues with your BM/ "friends". How could it hurt at this point?