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Grieving family - thoughts please.

verityverityverityverity
10 Comments
in Moms and Maids
My identical twin died 15 years ago, when we were 25.  Her death (suicide) completely broke apart our already fractured family.  I have seen my mom a handful of times since then, and she and our dad (divorced) have struggled to cope with their guilt and grief. I have remained close to my younger brother, but do not speak to my older brothers.  My dad has battled alcohol addiction but has been sober for a little over a year now and we are rebuilding our relationship.

I have now met a wonderful, wonderful man and we are engaged.  I'm 40, he is 52 and it is the first marriage for both of us.  We are eager to get married and start a family quickly. 

My mom has said she will not attend the wedding.  She has always struggled seeing me as I, of course, remind her of my twin.  I am worried that the emotion of the day may also cause my father to drink, though we would not serve alcohol at the reception.

I am quite happy to do a simple couthouse wedding with just my younger brother and my fiance's only sibling as our witnesses.  I know my fiance has had his heart set on a big, traditional wedding - especially as he has waited so long.  He tells me he understands that with my family situation that something simpler would probably be best, but I love this man so much and I want to give him all he has dreamed of.

So, after all of that I'm not really sure what my question is!  I guess I am just looking for anyone's thoughts.  Thank you so much.

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Re: Grieving family - thoughts please.

  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OMG you poor thing.  Wow, that's a lot of trauma.  I think that you should have the day you want.  It's not your fault you look like your sister, and you deserve all the joy that anyone else would experience.  You need to let yourself off the "hook" for this, and give yourself permission to live your life.

    Have whatever type of wedding you want, and I wish you both all the joy of the day.
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  • StephieBowStephieBow member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow.  That's some baggage you're carrying around and so it seems is a large portion of your family.

    As the PP said, you can't help that you look like your sister.  You can't let her ghost haunt your big day.  You're getting married and you should have whatever day you want.  If members of your family choose not to attend it is there loss.

    If you want a small wedding because you want one, then do it.  But, if you really do want the "big white wedding" go for it.... you deserve it!
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grieving-family-thoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bdb6cb-3de6-4104-bb19-bde4c657e4aePost:65f39a7d-eb99-46db-838d-465a0f4cda3c">Grieving family - thoughts please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My identical twin died 15 years ago, when we were 25.  Her death (suicide) completely broke apart our already fractured family.  I have seen my mom a handful of times since then, and she and our dad (divorced) have struggled to cope with their guilt and grief. I have remained close to my younger brother, but do not speak to my older brothers.  My dad has battled alcohol addiction but has been sober for a little over a year now and we are rebuilding our relationship. I have now met a wonderful, wonderful man and we are engaged.  I'm 40, he is 52 and it is the first marriage for both of us.  We are eager to get married and start a family quickly. <strong> My mom has said she will not attend the wedding.  She has always struggled seeing me as I, of course, remind her of my twin.</strong>  I am worried that the emotion of the day may also cause my father to drink, though we would not serve alcohol at the reception. I am quite happy to do a simple couthouse wedding with just my younger brother and my fiance's only sibling as our witnesses.  I know my fiance has had his heart set on a big, traditional wedding - especially as he has waited so long.  He tells me he understands that with my family situation that something simpler would probably be best, but I love this man so much and I want to give him all he has dreamed of. So, after all of that I'm not really sure what my question is!  I guess I am just looking for anyone's thoughts.  Thank you so much.
    Posted by verityverity[/QUOTE]

    I'm not sure why your mother said that to you.  Why is she punishing you?  I hope you've received some counselling for all of the issues that you're facing.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    As a MOB, I can't understand why your mother has chosen to lose both of you, but I am so sorry!

    You and FI sit down and discuss the kind of wedding day you really want and move forward.  Keep in mind that a wedding does absolutely nothing to fix family discord, so have no expectations there.

    If you have the big wedding, how will YOU feel about it?  Will you end up with a reminder of how fractured your family is and be disappointed that they won't be there?  You are not looking at the stereotypical MOB/FOB family ordeal here.

    Be very realistic about the whole thing and then you and FI decide what kind of day will be fondly remember by both of you years down the road.  You have waited a long time for that day to come.  Make sure your expectations and choices make it everything it should be between you and FI.

    I am so sorry for your loss, but I am equally sorry that your family has not chosen to get the help they need.  I can't imagine how your mom can rationalize choosing to stay away from you, but I have never lost a child to suicide either.  I hope someday your family finds a way to heal.

    I wish you a beautiful wedding day and marriage - be realistic about everything so that it becomes all you deserve.  Good luck.
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  • FutureJilliannDFutureJilliannD member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grieving-family-thoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bdb6cb-3de6-4104-bb19-bde4c657e4aePost:036b19c5-8dd7-4a98-84a0-e5c0e0483853">Re: Grieving family - thoughts please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]As a MOB, I can't understand why your mother has chosen to lose both of you, but I am so sorry! Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    This as well. Your mother is losing both daughters when she doesn't have to. So sad. I say go for a big wedding. Make it a day for you and your FI and let your family decide whether they want to attend or not. You deserve to have a happy day!
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  • rodeo417rodeo417
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry for you and your family. Have you thought of a DW? It might seem alittle better? I really hope that you guys go the traditional or DW way for your marriage. Dont give up and pray.
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  • verityverityverityverity
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ladies, thank you so much for your input and for your kind words.

    My mom has had a mental illness most of her life, and thinks that she passed it on to my sister.  She blames herself for my sister's death, and I think in her mind she thinks she is doing me a favor by staying away.

    I am so blessed to have met my fiance, and to have the love and support of my brother and father.  I think I just need to accept that I deserve to be happy - especially on my wedding day.

    I hope to be back on these boards very soon asking for your advice on all sorts of details for the big day!  Again, thank you.
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  • StacyJennigesStacyJenniges
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow, I really want to point people complaining about things going wrong to your post.  You truely have some horrible things you are working through and I sense no complaning at all in your tone just these are the facts. 

    That being said I am so sorry for your losses.  This is a tough one but I agree with many of the people here that all though there is all those hurtles to get through you should have the wedding you and your fiance want.  It sure sounds like you have caught a good one that you don't want to let go of. 

    I wish you luck in what you decide to do but do what is right for the two of you together.  You could always meet in the middle and have a smaller wedding outside with the maids, and groomsman, and white dress. 
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
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  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grieving-family-thoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bdb6cb-3de6-4104-bb19-bde4c657e4aePost:ebb6ab1a-7084-4791-9c58-e9a06cd076ef">Re: Grieving family - thoughts please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ladies, thank you so much for your input and for your kind words. My mom has had a mental illness most of her life, and thinks that she passed it on to my sister.  She blames herself for my sister's death, and I think in her mind she thinks she is doing me a favor by staying away. I am so blessed to have met my fiance, and to have the love and support of my brother and father. <strong> I think I just need to accept that I deserve to be happy</strong> - especially on my wedding day. I hope to be back on these boards very soon asking for your advice on all sorts of details for the big day!  Again, thank you.
    Posted by verityverity[/QUOTE]

    I think you're right, you do need to give yourself permission to be happy.  Join us anytime!  You would be more than welcome.
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_grieving-family-thoughts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:69bdb6cb-3de6-4104-bb19-bde4c657e4aePost:ebb6ab1a-7084-4791-9c58-e9a06cd076ef">Re: Grieving family - thoughts please.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ladies, thank you so much for your input and for your kind words. <strong>My mom has had a mental illness most of her life, and thinks that she passed it on to my sister.  She blames herself for my sister's death, and I think in her mind she thinks she is doing me a favor by staying away.</strong> I am so blessed to have met my fiance, and to have the love and support of my brother and father.  I think I just need to accept that I deserve to be happy - especially on my wedding day. I hope to be back on these boards very soon asking for your advice on all sorts of details for the big day!  Again, thank you.
    Posted by verityverity[/QUOTE]

    I am so sorry about your mother's illness.  After reading this post, please accept my apologies for my harsh words regarding her.  She must really be stuck in a living Hell.

    I wish you the and your FI all the best.
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  • verityverityverityverity
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    kmmssg - No apology is necessary! I know we are only able to respond to the information given to us on these boards.  Thank you for your kind words.

    Thank you again to everyone, and best wishes to you all.
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