MIL, GMIL or SIL did not show up to our wedding..

brittanyjterrell

MIL was very honest with my husband in saying that she would not show up to the wedding because she did not support us getting married. We had a big blow up almost a year and a half ago about her not wanting him to get married at a young age, giving sob stories on how she ended up (married at 21, divorced by 23) and she doesn't feel as though we were ready for such a big step. Words were exchanged between my grandmother and her and she never spoke to me again. Honestly, I didn't try to reach out because I was so upset and we have let almost 1 year and 6 months go by with nothing! It upsets me, but I don't know what to say to her at this point.

GMIL and SIL said they were coming multiple times (despite MIL saying that she wouldn't come)... the day of, my poor hubby was walking around like crazy and constantly looking at their table looking for his family (he has a very small family, his grandmother and sister mean the world to him). After a while, he gave up hope and came into my bridal suite bursting into tears a little after the ceremony (ceremony & reception were at the same place). I don't know what to say to him or how to even address this situation, I feel like I don't want to keep bringing it up because it's like cutting him deeper but he's the type of person to keep his feelings inside and that's not good either. The "counselor" part of me wants to process these feelings and try to make him feel better but I don't know how to approach this.

Any advice?

em01092

Wow that really does suck. Time does help heal some wounds, but not all. It sounds like things are pretty bad between you guys and it will take both of you sitting down with them (or mainly your MIL), apologizing, and working past this together if you want anything to change.

Or maybe they are the kind of people who will talk to you in 3 months like nothing happened. Some people are like that, but if she hasn't talked to you in a year, then I'm more inclined to think it will take some intervention. Maybe she will grow up and realize her son is married and can make his own choices. I bet if you have children, she will want to be in their lives and will want to make amends. 

That said, you have to come to terms with whatever your role in the whole ordeal is also. Be the bigger person and admit some fault, because it takes two to tango. Sure if may be more her fault than yours, but at least you'll be the mature one if you do, more so if you initiate the conversation. 

Kristin789

Call your officiant, and schedule a meeting with you and DH and the officiant.  The officiant will focus you both on building a strong marital foundation and how to do that during the difficult First Year of Marriage - which is difficult for your DH right at the start...

Soon2BeMrsTing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-gmil-sil-did-not-show-up-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6a5e974d-5e15-4df1-8721-4fc90e589934Post:3dff455e-38b7-4907-bac7-68200d908168">Re: MIL, GMIL or SIL did not show up to our wedding..</a>:
[QUOTE]Call your officiant, and schedule a meeting with you and DH and the officiant.  The officiant will focus you both on building a strong marital foundation and how to do that during the difficult First Year of Marriage - which is difficult for your DH right at the start...
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

I really would not recommend this unless the officiant has a counseling background and some related training.

OP, I'm really sorry.  I am a believer in the power of good counseling, and I do think this might be something that could help you and your FI.  Do you two have a house of worship that you attend?  Some churches do have excellent and affordable counseling resources available, but you might have to do some digging to find one.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-gmil-sil-did-not-show-up-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6a5e974d-5e15-4df1-8721-4fc90e589934Post:559192b5-570f-486a-b3bd-7ebc65bde9b0">MIL, GMIL or SIL did not show up to our wedding..</a>:
[QUOTE]MIL was very honest with my husband in saying that she would not show up to the wedding because she did not support us getting married. We had a big blow up almost a year and a half ago about her not wanting him to get married at a young age, giving sob stories on how she ended up (married at 21, divorced by 23) and she doesn't feel as though we were ready for such a big step. <strong>Words were</strong> <strong>exchanged between my grandmother and her and she never spoke to me again</strong>. Honestly, <strong>I</strong> <strong>didn't try to reach out </strong>because I was so upset<strong> and we have let almost 1 year and 6 months go by with nothing</strong>! It upsets me, but I don't know what to say to her at this point. GMIL and SIL said they were coming multiple times (despite MIL saying that she wouldn't come)... the day of, my poor hubby was walking around like crazy and constantly looking at their table looking for his family (he has a very small family, his grandmother and sister mean the world to him). After a while, he gave up hope and came into my bridal suite bursting into tears a little after the ceremony (ceremony & reception were at the same place). I don't know what to say to him or how to even address this situation, I feel like I don't want to keep bringing it up because it's like cutting him deeper but he's the type of person to keep his feelings inside and that's not good either. The "counselor" part of me wants to process these feelings and try to make him feel better but I don't know how to approach this. Any advice?
Posted by brittanyjterrell[/QUOTE]

OP  - were you involved in this also, or was it just your grandmother?  Has your DH spoken with his family about any of this confrontation?  Has he talked to his sister, mom or grandmother since the wedding? I don't feel like we're getting the whole story.  Unless you were the one who caused or was involved in the confrontation, it wasn't on you to try to fix the situation and your DH should have manned up long before now and settled this with his family more than a year ago.

If you both take the "ignore the problem and it will go away" approach to all of your problems then (as much as you don't want to hear this) your MIL may have been right in her assessment.  In any event, I think you and your DH need professional marriage counseling (and I'm with Mrs. Ting that this should be someone with a background in relationship counseling and with a degree in the area).

Kate61487

That really sucks, I'm sorry :-(

Did GMIL and/or SIL give any reason? has your H spoken to them since?  I'm curious if it was something outside their control; they had car trouble or something like that - or if they just chose not to attend.

I agree that professional counseling may be a good idea.  It sounds like you ARE a counselor, but I'd recommend against treating your H like a client/patient because he may resent you for it.  Be there for him, support him however he asks.  If you have anything to apologize for then do so, but it doesn't sound like you really had anything to do with the initial issue, other than existing and wanting to marry MIL's son.  Good luck with everything.

brittanyjterrell

@tldh I defended my grandmother's honor and that caused us to have issues. That was the extent of my involvement with the confrontation. I admit, all three of us were wrong in this situation (MIL, My grandmother and myself) and no one has stepped up to the plate to say anything.

I do feel as if counseling is needed now because there is no advice or nothing that I can give at this point to make the situation better. He has not talked to his sister or grandmother.. according to his brother, his grandmother had been saying all the week that she was not coming to the wedding (his brother overheard her speaking on the telephone) and this further upset my husband when he heard this. My husband is taking on the, "I'm mad at them so I'm not even going to ask why they didn't come" approach, which is understandable (in some ways) but it won't allow him any closure. I'm sure this won't go on for long, his grandmother and sister mean the world to him. At this point, he may feel like they don't feel the same about him though.

LittleMissCutiePie

Wow. This SUCKS. If my grandmother and sibling didn't come to my wedding, I doubt I'd enjoy myself at all. Regardless of who started this, they were petty and did completely the wrong thing by saying they would come and then blowing you and your DH off. There is no way they could have thought this would be a minor slight. This is heartbreaking material, and no amount of "I'm sorry" would fix it for me. Just give it time. Let your DH know that as soon as he's ready to talk to you or his family about it, you will be there to support him.

brittanyjterrell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-gmil-sil-did-not-show-up-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6a5e974d-5e15-4df1-8721-4fc90e589934Post:4194eaaf-b5ae-4c18-9c07-c6091fe1a6c6">Re: MIL, GMIL or SIL did not show up to our wedding..</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. This SUCKS. If my grandmother and sibling didn't come to my wedding, I doubt I'd enjoy myself at all. Regardless of who started this, they were petty and did completely the wrong thing by saying they would come and then blowing you and your DH off. There is no way they could have thought this would be a minor slight. This is heartbreaking material, and no amount of "I'm sorry" would fix it for me. Just give it time.<strong> Let your DH know that as soon as he's ready to talk to you or his family about it, you will be there to support him.
</strong>Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

That's crazy, this is exactly what I just said to him less than an hour ago! He is in so much denial that it is not bothering him "that much" but this is your family...people that he loved and cherished to death! I am in the middle of trying to set up some counseling sessions with our officiant (who is certified in counseling as well) but not until he is ready and willing to say , "This is what I want." I'm not going to push the issue, but I really feel apart of him now (as cliche as that may sound).. if he's hurting, so am I.

em01092

This is totally unrelated, but I creeped on your profile and I just have to say you and your attendants looked beautiful on your wedding day! It truly is a shame they missed out. 

brittanyjterrell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-gmil-sil-did-not-show-up-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6a5e974d-5e15-4df1-8721-4fc90e589934Post:0dcb5382-db35-4f62-bc2d-7c950319a947">Re: MIL, GMIL or SIL did not show up to our wedding..</a>:
[QUOTE]This is totally unrelated, but I creeped on your profile and I just have to say you and your attendants looked beautiful on your wedding day! It truly is a shame they missed out. 
Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

Thanks so much!!!! :) I will be sure to send them plenty of pictures! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

GreenEire

I honestly would recommend counseling for your husband.  This past May, my mentally ill mother got mad at me for some stupid reason and decided that she and the rest of my immediate family would not attend the wedding.  I was thrilled she wasn't coming, but it broke my heart that my brother and step-dad wouldn't come.  I haven't spoken to any of them since.  I was in such grief over it and dealing with the mental abuse that my mother inflicted on me for years that I started seeing a therapist.  It has worked wonders.  My husband hasn't attended therapy with me, since I feel like it's something that I need to work out by myself,  but he has been nothing but supportive and is always willing to listen.  So just be there for your husband and let him decide for himself what he needs to do and support his decision.  Best wishes to you both.