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How to involve a clueless mom

My mom literally has no... how shall I say it... wedding drive.  First off, let me say we have a very good and fairly close relationship so that's not the issue here.  I'd like to involve her for my own selfish mommy-and me-time and also so she can feel needed, but I'm totally stumped.  She doesn't care who I invite, she's indifferent about dress shopping, she's not into anything wedding related, and she has no clue how to throw a party. 

I'm not going to force her into a role, but I'd really like her to feel needed and special.  She doesn't get that much from anywhere else.  Can you give me a list of ideas I can run by her to see if anything appeals to her? 
Sept 2011 Board - Feb Sig Challenge: Reception Location-
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Re: How to involve a clueless mom

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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_involve-clueless-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6acee830-c416-442e-99c3-37466ebc0a2aPost:a059e5b1-6a2e-40c2-9f0b-e07325880a1b">How to involve a clueless mom</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom literally has no... how shall I say it... wedding drive.  First off, let me say we have a very good and fairly close relationship so that's not the issue here.  I'd like to involve her for <strong>my own selfish mommy-and me-time</strong> and also so she can feel needed, but I'm totally stumped.  She doesn't care who I invite, she's indifferent about dress shopping, <strong>she's not into anything wedding related</strong>, and she has no clue how to throw a party.  <strong>I'm not going to force her into a role,</strong> but I'd really like her to feel needed and special.  She doesn't get that much from anywhere else.  Can you give me a list of ideas I can run by her to see if anything appeals to her? 
    Posted by KatiScarlet[/QUOTE]

    The bolded statements pretty much sum it up for me.  Your mom isn't into anything wedding.  You don't want to force her into a role, but you're selfishly (your own word) trying to force her into a role.

    She's not interested.  She doesn't have to be.  It would be wonderful if she was, but it's pretty clear that she's just not that interested.   So ask her to join you dress shopping,  show her photos of bouquets or CPs that you like.  Run invite styles past her.

    But lower your expectations.  She doesn't want a role.  If you accept that, you'll be happier, and she probably will be as well.

    GL
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    mgietler76mgietler76 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly it doesn't sound like she "needs to feel needed" She already has a role, it's MOB and if she's not into all the stuff you're doing there really is no way to force it.

    I talk from experience, my mom is like my best friend who's just not all about weddings. She came with when I bought my dress and that's about it TBH. If there is something your mom is interested in being a part of trust me, she'll let you know.
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    Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Sorry, but she just doesn't seem that into weddings. 

    If you want "mommy and me time", the ask her to spend some time with you and NOT talk about your wedding.  That can be her "wedding related job", to give you a break from wedding planning, by going to lunch with you, see a movie, or maybe getting pedicures together or something.

    And you will likely be needing names and current addresses for family.  Maybe you could ask her to help you with that. 

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    KatiScarletKatiScarlet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Catwoman, thank you for the constructive ideas.  I appreciate your help.
    Sept 2011 Board - Feb Sig Challenge: Reception Location-
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    KatiScarlet....You didn't discuss finances at all.  Is it possible, IF you and your fiance are hosting, that mom perhaps does not want to intrude or impose her opinions?

    You also mention that mom doesn't have a clue as to how to throw a party.  If she has never been big on hosting any event, perhaps she fears her involvement will pose more of a burden to you than benefit?

    If mom has not stayed "current" in trends, maybe the wedding is just too "foreign" for her.  OR...it simply may just not be her cup of tea.

    I understand wanting to use this time to squeeze out a little more mom-daughter time--my daughter and I are doing this as well.  And as much as we are both enjoying/treasuring/cherishing this time and shared interest, there are other ways to accomplish this.

    Think about what strengths your mom does have and perhaps tap into those.  Is she computer savvy?  Perhaps she could do some online research for you, whether it be shoes, venues, flowers, or housing.  Does she have an artistic side?  Perhaps she would love to create a monogram, font, or other artwork for the wedding.  Is she a business women?  Perhaps she could use her financial experience to develop a budget.  Or, as the previous poster suggested, use your time with your mom as your respite and retreat from all things wedding!

    Good luck. 
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    jcamm11jcamm11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the PP who mentioned your Mom may not want to give too much of an opinion if she's not paying.  Sounds a lot like my Mom.  She's not really into weddings and throwing parties.  Her favorite hobby is gardening, so I talked with her about the wedding flowers, and she got really into the conversation.  She even offered to grow some flowers for our wedding.  Otherwise, stuff like BM dresses, hair, other decor, ect, she isn't really into, so I don't talk about that with her.
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    edited December 2011
    My mother wasn't in wedding mode until January (the wedding is in March). She listened before, but wasn't incredibly opinionated. Now she's completely gung-ho about it. Maybe it still just seems really far away for her.
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    KatiScarletKatiScarlet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I should have mentioned she and dad (still married) are paying for the whole thing.  I'm very sensitive to including her partly because of that.  I guess if she's ok with just signing a check and doesn't feel the need to provide input then I should just leave it at that.  I certainly won't try to force her, but I don't want to insult her by not asking, too.

    Mobkaz, thank you for the alternative perspective! 

    Jcamm11, thank you so much for your reply.  She is a great gardener and I'm starting a garden from scratch to grow my flowers, so I will definitely ask her for her expertise there.  I am certain she will really enjoy passing on her flower knowledge especially for this purpose.

    AraDesi, I will not give up hope.  :)  With any luck as September draws closer she will pop out of her shell. 

    I really appreciate the helpful suggestions and insight you ladies have provided, thank you!
    Sept 2011 Board - Feb Sig Challenge: Reception Location-
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    But why wouldn't you serve ice cream with the cake?
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    JCM10JCM10 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom wasn't in wedding mode until a few weeks ago when she got to see my venue (we've already been engaged for a year). Now she's a lot more willing to talk wedding with me...I think it just took getting used to the idea that I was getting married! She may come around still.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My mom specifically told me that she couldn't really handle hearing about wedding stuff until about a month or so out, because she gets overwhelmed easily.  Didn't bother me in the slightest, I just bounced ideas off of DH, my MOH, and the boards here.  Once we got within a couple of months out, she started calling me to find out the details, ask if there was anything she could do to help, and make little suggestions (she provided a family heirloom for my "something old" that I didn't even know existed).

    There are plenty of normal reasons for her not to be into it right now, I wouldn't worry about it.
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    iloveu4everiloveu4ever member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    flowers decor

     
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    immaeetuimmaeetu member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't give her a list of options of things she can be involved in.  If there's something she wants to be involved with, she'll come to you.
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    edited December 2011
    I understand your feelings.  I am struggling with the same thing.  Finally I just accepted that she's not into weddings, after all, she eloped for her own wedding!  But she has been there in other ways, like cooking meals when she is town, filling up my freezer, so that when I'm running around like a crazy person I have something to come home to that is simple to make!!  I'm grateful for that.  Just know that your mom will be around a lot longer than the wedding planning, and you can tell her what is important to you.  One day you might be grateful that she isn't giving opinions, because there will be hundreds coming from other people!  Just know she has your back and I'm sure she wants to see you happy. Take her lack of opinion as confidence in you to make your own decisions. :)
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    TheGlamouristTheGlamourist member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It's understandable; any girl would want her mom to be included & feel part of the event, but if she's just not the type you can't force her to be.  Catwoman's advice is great: make her wedding job to be giving you a break from wedding planning.  I'm sure she'll appreciate getting to spend so much time with her baby girl before giving you the metaphorical heave-ho into your own little family unit.  (Not that you'll never see her or not have time for her after the wedding, of course, but it's a big step psychologically for a lot of parents.)
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    KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry that she doesn't want to do anything with you but it's not uncommon.  I have seen SO many brides all over TK in the last 6 months alone that have had this problem.

    If she doesn't want to be that involved, be respectful and do as she wishes.  Maybe if you stopped telling her a lot, she might miss it and start to get interested?
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    edited December 2011
    Another option, that I haven't seen brought up, is just talking to your mom about it. It's tempting to guess at all of the reasons she might be acting not-so-into your wedding, but you can't know if you don't ask.  The way you describe her, she might be very open to a conversation.  You could share your uncertainty/concern about making decisions without her on how to spend her/your dad's money and ask how she feels about that.  Or you could ask her if there's a certain aspect of your wedding that she'd really like to be involved in. Guessing is tricky - it takes up lots of our brain time (mine, too) and often doesn't lead to anything accurate. Good luck :)
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_involve-clueless-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6acee830-c416-442e-99c3-37466ebc0a2aPost:1ab87782-c2f2-42e6-b9ee-b0b0065fbc87">Re: How to involve a clueless mom</a>:
    [QUOTE]flowers decor
    Posted by iloveu4ever[/QUOTE]

    Iloveu4ever - Why do you even post with this short nonsense? At least give the OP one fully formed sentence if you are going to post. This is obnoxious.

    Anyway, OP my mom wasn't into the wedding stuff right off of the bat either. But as things got closer she began to get more involved. I would be really up front with her about how you are feeling, maybe she hasn't even thought about her actions effecting you. Maybe she thinks shes taking the pressure off of you and you are loving it! So just have a heart to heart with her and enjoy this time with or without her involvement! I'm sure she's proud of you and excited for you!
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