Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?

meenamoo

I have been BFFs with a girl for 16 years, but when I asked her to be one of my BMs, she refused - citing that it was too expensive (we're having 2 weddings - Canada and France), because she had just bought a house. Our friendship had been deteriorating over the years, and this was the last straw for me, so I cut her off completely. My mom, however, says that as we grew up together, I shoud invite her to the wedding (my parents are paying for the wedding). My sister and BIL also said that same, and that inviting her would be "taking the high road". I am still angry and don't really want to deal with her calling/emailing, which would be inevitable once she received an invitation. Advice???

deepcovejackie

Having two weddings IS expensive!  She declined based on her budget.  Cut her a break on that.

lauraf1202

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:adff0113-d134-4545-9abd-c6fb07c5a5cd">Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been BFFs with a girl for 16 years, but <strong>when I asked her to be one of my BMs, she refused - citing that it was too expensive (we're having 2 weddings - Canada and France), because she had just bought a house</strong>. Our friendship had been deteriorating over the years, and this was the last straw for me, so I cut her off completely. My mom, however, says that as we grew up together, I shoud invite her to the wedding (my parents are paying for the wedding). My sister and BIL also said that same, and that inviting her would be "taking the high road". I am still angry and don't really want to deal with her calling/emailing, which would be inevitable once she received an invitation. Advice???
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]

To be fair, you are talking about two weddings on two different continents.  Her reason for refusal is legitimate.  I don't quite understand why you'd be so furious about that. 

If your parents are paying for the wedding, and they are wanting to invite her, then treat her as you would any guest of your parents'.  And invite her. 

sister2groom

How can you take it out on your friend that she didn't have the money to travel to two different celebrations on two different continents (they can't both be weddings, so I don't understand that part)? I mean, if people stopped being friends every time they couldn't afford to do something I would only still be friends with the people who have always had the exact same financial circumstances as me (i.e. no one).

meenamoo

In my defense, there is a history behind this - I have gone to visit her in Arizon 5 times, while she has never once visited me in Boston, citing (as usual), money problems. However, as a grad student, I make less money than she does as a teacher, and I live in a city where the rent is 3 times more expensive. To me, when there's will, there's a way. I take her refusal to be in the wedding as a sign of how much she values our friendship.

meenamoo

Sorry - Arizona.

tidetravel

Damned BFFs.  Don't they know that they're supposed to put their lives on hold and create a seperate savings account for your thuper-speshul pretty princess day(s)?! 

Before you replace her as a BFF, you may want to make sure the new one signs a BFF prenup.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:3cea4274-ca78-4166-8c9e-990bc2a773f0">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In my defense, there is a history behind this - I have gone to visit her in Arizon 5 times, while she has never once visited me in Boston, citing (as usual), money problems. However, as a grad student, I make less money than she does as a teacher, and I live in a city where the rent is 3 times more expensive. To me, when there's will, there's a way. I take her refusal to be in the wedding as a sign of how much she values our friendship.
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]

Are you her accountant?  Do you have access to her personal finances?  No.  You don't get to decide who has money problems or whether or not her money issues are more important than yours. 

Wow.  Whatabitch.  Sounds like you did your "friend" a favor.

lauraf1202

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:3cea4274-ca78-4166-8c9e-990bc2a773f0">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In my defense, there is a history behind this - I have gone to visit her in Arizon 5 times, while she has never once visited me in Boston, citing (as usual), money problems. However, as a grad student, I make less money than she does as a teacher, and I live in a city where the rent is 3 times more expensive. To me, when there's will, there's a way. I take her refusal to be in the wedding as a sign of how much she values our friendship.
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]

And I would imagine she takes your behavior as an example of how self-centered a human being can be.   

vannymuse

Houses are expensive. If I just bought a house, I wouldn't want to jet around the world for a while either.You should be more understanding and invite her to the wedding.

tidetravel

Your sense of entitlement astounds me, OP:

We're having 2 weddings - an Indian one in Canada and a "white" one in France. I have 6 BMs, all living in the US. As is Indian tradition, I will be buying them their sairs and jewelry for the Canada wedding. I hadn't thought about dresses for the France wedding, until one of the BMs suggested I pick out a dress as she will buy a new one in any case. 4 of the BMs will surely buy new dresses as 1) they make a lot of money and 2) they are very stylish. The other 2 are less so.

So, do I pick out a dress? Let them all wear whatever? Offer to pay for the dresses for the poorer 2? Have 4 wear matching and 2 wear different ones?

and, in response to:
I think it is insane the amount of $ they will spend already to travel to two international weddings for one bride.  I think you should at the very least offer to buy their dresses for the France wedding too.

Point taken, kebm. As to what you term "insane" - what can I say, I have great friends.

Apparently, your friends are only "great" if they're also rich.

meenamoo

Tidetravel, don't worry, I have 6 other BMs (my sister and 5 BFFs), all of whom happily agreed to be part of the celebrations. None of them live in either country. I would do the same for them. I'm guessing you either don't travel much, or don't have any friends.

meenamoo

I did offer to help out with costs, and told all fo them I would understand if they could only come to one of the ceremonies. And in my OP I'm asking if I should pay for the dresses for those who have tight budgets. I don't see how that makes me entitled.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:b6707670-cbd0-4b1b-b146-928e535ac3b3">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tidetravel, don't worry, I have 6 other BMs (my sister and 5 BFFs), all of whom happily agreed to be part of the celebrations. None of them live in either country. I would do the same for them. I'm guessing you either don't travel much, or don't have any friends.
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]
Clearly, I'm too poor to have friends. 

anna.oskar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:b6707670-cbd0-4b1b-b146-928e535ac3b3">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tidetravel, don't worry, I have 6 other BMs (my sister and 5 BFFs), all of whom happily agreed to be part of the celebrations. None of them live in either country. I would do the same for them. I'm guessing you either don't travel much, or don't have any friends.
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]

As one of Tide's  allegedly fictional friends I have to tell you, I think you're being ridiculously childish.

baystateapple

I'd ask why you'd call the one in France a "white" wedding, as opposed to the "Indian" wedding, but I'm fairly certain that I already know, and that you're really disgusting.

allisong23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:b6707670-cbd0-4b1b-b146-928e535ac3b3">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tidetravel, don't worry, I have 6 other BMs (my sister and 5 BFFs), all of whom happily agreed to be part of the celebrations. None of them live in either country. I would do the same for them. I'm guessing you either don't travel much, or don't have any friends.
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]

Gee, I just don't understand why your friend would not want to drop a fortune to stand up for a peach like you. Really.

Cynthia1207

Do her a favor, don't invite her.  That way she won't have to put up with a ''friend'' like you in the future.  Choosing money over friendship?  That's low.  Very low.

tidetravel

Did you break up with your friend completely via FB or some other social network?  That would be a great test run for your paper.

allisong23

Is your FI un-friending all his groomsmen since they won't go to the Canada wedding?

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_another-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1f8d8894-7fae-4681-9a9b-264751eff0acPost:b2dcea55-ea45-4957-a50b-b187ce5908d8">Another BM?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I have 6 BMs, who are my 5 BFFs and 1 sister. I'm planning my wedding long distance (I live in Boston, wedding in Canada). The person helping me most (save my mom) is a girl I went to undergrad with, as she still lives in the city where the wedding will be. None of the rest of my BMs even live in the country, so they help out with opinions over email, etc. but naturally can't do that much. Anyhow, she and I have gotten closer the past year, and I'm wondering now if I should ask her to be in the wedding. I feel kind of guilty, and not sure if she's expecting it or not... I know I'm one of her closest friends, but I have a lot of close friends, plus 5 best friends. The other issue is that FI lives in France so most of his friends won't make it - meaning I'll have 7 BMs to his 2 groomsmen, max. Kinda ridiculous. What do we think?
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]

Nattie24

I think it's sad that you keep track of everything you do verus your friend. Just invite her.

allisong23

Wow, I didn't think it was possible to dislike you anymore. But I do!

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registries-can-cash-back

AllAboutTheBenjamin

So let's get this straight: Your friend declined to be in your wedding(s) because she couldn't afford it - but don't worry, you have other rich friends who can handle it.

Hate to break it to you sweetheart, but you and your rich friends aren't any better than she is because they can all make your wedding(s) and she can't.  As it turns out - you ALL poop, and it ALL stinks.  Face the music soon or you're in for a rude awakening, toots.

Pull your head out of your entitled ass and move on.  You cannot possibly be upset at your friend because she can't afford to attend both of your incredibly lavish weddings.  Get over yourself.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:1cd8c32c-6487-40f1-a11b-abfebb17f001">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I didn't think it was possible to dislike you anymore. But I do! <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registries-can-cash-back" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_registries-can-cash-back</a>
Posted by allisong23[/QUOTE]

Well, at least she took the "create a small registry and spread via word-of-mouth" advice to heart.

GoodLuckBear14

Another one of Tide's non-exisent friends here - an off board one at that.

Aside from what it will cost her in plane fare, hotel accomodations, food, and attire, did you ever once stop to think that it might be costing her unpaid time off of work?  When I was in law school, it took me a year and a half to save up enough money to take part in my BFF's wedding at a castle in Ireland- partly because the time off was going to be unpaid. 

And as for her not coming to see you in Boston, did you ever once stop to think that Boston's high costs may be a deterrent?  Yes, it is more expensive but the people who live there also make more money so even your grad school income would go further in Arizona than her income would go in Boston.

I willl say though that you are one in a million.  It takes a special kind of bitch to measure friendship by money and cut people out of your life because they don't spend enough money on you.

[Deleted User]

I'd rather be poor with no friends and never get to travel than be rich and have to surround myself with people like OP.

meenamoo

Wow, so much to respond to.
1. Having a wedding in a different country does not equate it with being lavish. It just equates it with being in a different country.
2. IMO, she is the one choosing money over friendship. I saved money to go visit her several times, while she never made the effort. Are you all saying that wouldn't bother you? Friendship is a two-way street, is it not?
3. FI did not de-friend people who couldn't attend the Canada wedding - because they are all coming to at least one wedding. Also, to be sure, he's more forgiving than me.
4. No, I "broke up" with my friend over email. I'm not sure what paper you're referring to.
5. The friends who are coming to both weddings are not rich - they are just making the effort to attend.

meenamoo

To the second to last post - the friend is also Canadian and the wedding is in her hometown - so she knew that she could either stay with family or at my parents' home, we would/will be providng all attire, travel within the city, and food costs. All she would have had to pay for is the flight.
And the argument that she would have to spend so much money on a weekend in Boston, while I live there on half the income she makes, is kind of overwrought I suspect.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:9f6b598b-c408-41e0-994b-3a634db98acc">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, so much to respond to. 1. Having a wedding in a different country does not equate it with being lavish. It just equates it with being in a different country. 2. IMO, she is the one choosing money over friendship. I saved money to go visit her several times, while she never made the effort. Are you all saying that wouldn't bother you? Friendship is a two-way street, is it not? 3. FI did not de-friend people who couldn't attend the Canada wedding - because they are all coming to at least one wedding. Also, to be sure, he's more forgiving than me. 4. No, I "broke up" with my friend over email. I'm not sure what paper you're referring to. 5. The friends who are coming to both weddings are not rich - they are just making the effort to attend.
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]

1.  Having two weddings is lavish. 

2.  I think many people are perfectly capable of maintaining meaningful friendships without having to travel great distances to visit often.  I'm a reporter, and I make crap for a living.  The only way I get to travel is if I get a bitchin' good deal on plane tickets and cheap or free lodging, or the trip is gifted to me.  I hope my family who lives in California don't think I'm a jerkwad if I can't visit them this year (and I can't, because - it's expensive).  No, it wouldn't bother me.  I don't expect my friends to make trips they can't afford just because I need to see them.  That's selfish as hell.

3. So your FI is staying friends with everyone BECAUSE they are coming to the wedding.  Good for him (whatever).  I had a few friends who couldn't make it to my wedding because of money.  I even had a few friends who couldn't make it due to the weather (it blizzarded on my wedding).  However these friendships are still in tact.  This leads me to believe that either I'm doing it wrong, or you guys just don't understand the definition of friendship.  I choose to believe the latter.

4.  I still can't believe you "broke up" with your friend, via email, because she can't afford to attend your damn weddings.  But I am confident in my belief that she is much better off without people like you for friends.

5.  Good for your other friends.  They've found a way to make it work (I would imagine, possibly by going into a great amount of debt - but whatever, that's their choice).  That doesn't mean that your other friend wishes she couldn't make it to your wedding.  Or weddings. 

Again - getoveryourself.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:34335ae2-53c6-4e92-8d4b-4d9f8171e7ad">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]To the second to last post - the friend is also Canadian and the wedding is in her hometown - so she knew that she could either stay with family or at my parents' home, we would/will be providng all attire, travel within the city, and food costs. All she would have had to pay for is the flight. And the argument that she would have to spend so much money on a weekend in Boston, while I live there on half the income she makes, is kind of overwrought I suspect.
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]


Really, please, stop trying to make excuses for yourself, what you did was shitty and there really isn't anything you could say to justify that.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_inviting-ex-bffbm-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:6c4912a7-9fac-49e7-8757-3319c1bcdd6fPost:9f6b598b-c408-41e0-994b-3a634db98acc">Re: Inviting an ex-BFF/BM to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, so much to respond to. 1. Having a wedding in a different country does not equate it with being lavish. It just equates it with being in a different country. <strong>2. IMO, she is the one choosing money over friendship. I saved money to go visit her several times, while she never made the effort. Are you all saying that wouldn't bother you? Friendship is a two-way street, is it not? 3. FI did not de-friend people who couldn't attend the Canada wedding - because they are all coming to at least one wedding. </strong>Also, to be sure, he's more forgiving than me. 4. No, I "broke up" with my friend over email. I'm not sure what paper you're referring to. 5. The friends who are coming to both weddings are not rich - they are just making the effort to attend.
Posted by meenamoo[/QUOTE]

There is a HUGE difference in price between a plane ticket from Boston to Arizona, and a plane ticket from Arizona to Canada or France.  Don't even act like you don't know that.

Some people JUST CAN'T AFFORD to come to a destination wedding.  That doesn't make them less of friends.  I had two very good friends from college who were unable to attend my wedding due to work and finances.  Saying "they're still our friends because they are coming to at least one wedding" is BS.  You're still acting entitled. They are in no way obligated to come to your wedding if they can't afford it -- or for any other reason!

And I still am interested in the whole "Indian vs. white" thing.