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Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor

I am having a very small wedding, in which I am not having a wedding party..  It is immediate famnily only.  Although my "best" friend is invited along with her husband and her parents.  We have been friends forvever, and I have asked her to be my "Matron of Honor", knowing that she is pregnant.

At the time of the wedding she will be 3 weeks out from her due date. She will not be walking down the aisle nor standing.  She has already told me that she is NOT giving any kind of speech b/c she doesnt want to stand up in front of everyone all fat and preg.  She has not helped with one thing and she is so freaking self centered she is harrassing my other friends when my shower/ bacclortte will be so she can plan her damn baby classes!  Not becuase she actually cares!

This in turn is making other friends angry because they thought she was going to help.  But she just keeps saying 'your doing everything right?". 

I have involved her in a lot of the stuff that a MOH would do: dress shopping, picking stuff out, she even went to one place and registered with me!

I have even done things with her.  I am super excited that she is pregnant! SHe is an only child, so I am going to be the closest thing to an aunt to the baby.

I did ALL of her shower and bachlorette (sp?) stuff for her when I was in nursing school and working full time. 

She's working full time, in school, trying to sell her house, and her husband is working out of town.  I am not expecting her to drop everything for my wedding, just take 5 minutes to help someone with planning. 

How do i approach this with her?  Do I try to talk to her, or maybe write a letter? Or just let it go?

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Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor

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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:30ebea35-3da1-45b2-a9b1-bff3324dbc14">Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am having a very small wedding, in which I am not having a wedding party..  It is immediate famnily only.  Although my "best" friend is invited along with her husband and her parents.  We have been friends forvever, and I have asked her to be my "Matron of Honor", knowing that she is pregnant. At the time of the wedding she will be 3 weeks out from her due date. She will not be walking down the aisle nor standing.  She has already told me that she is NOT giving any kind of speech b/c she doesnt want to stand up in front of everyone all fat and preg.  She has not helped with one thing and she is so freaking self centered she is harrassing my other friends when my shower/ bacclortte will be so she can plan her damn baby classes!  Not becuase she actually cares! This in turn is making other friends angry because they thought she was going to help.  But she just keeps saying 'your doing everything right?".  I have involved her in a lot of the stuff that a MOH would do: dress shopping, picking stuff out, she even went to one place and registered with me! I have even done things with her.  I am super excited that she is pregnant! SHe is an only child, so I am going to be the closest thing to an aunt to the baby. I did ALL of her shower and bachlorette (sp?) stuff for her when I was in nursing school and working full time.  She's working full time, in school, trying to sell her house, and her husband is working out of town.  I am not expecting her to drop everything for my wedding,<strong> just take 5 minutes to help someone with planning. </strong> How do i approach this with her?  Do I try to talk to her, or maybe write a letter? Or just let it go?
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]
    She's not obligated to do even that much.  Get the dress and show up, those are her obligations.  Anything else she wants to do above and beyond that is gravy.  I'm hoping that you threw parties for her and helped her with wedding stuff not because someone told you you had to, but because you wanted to go the extra mile for her.  Because it's just that: extra.

    Honestly, it sounds like she's already been quite involved, and you're just being pissy that she's not throwing you extra parties to your liking.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Cynthia1207Cynthia1207 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:30ebea35-3da1-45b2-a9b1-bff3324dbc14">Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am having a very small wedding, in which I am not having a wedding party..  It is immediate famnily only.  Although my "best" friend is invited along with her husband and her parents.  We have been friends forvever, and I have asked her to be my "Matron of Honor", knowing that she is pregnant. At the time of the wedding she will be 3 weeks out from her due date. She will not be walking down the aisle nor standing.  She has already told me that she is NOT giving any kind of speech b/c she doesnt want to stand up in front of everyone all fat and preg.  <strong>She has not helped with one thing and she is so freaking self centered</strong> she is harrassing my other friends when my shower/ bacclortte will be so she can plan her damn baby classes!  Not becuase she actually cares! This in turn is making other friends angry because they thought she was going to help.  But she just keeps saying 'your doing everything right?". <strong> I have involved her in a lot of the stuff that a MOH would do: dress shopping, picking stuff out, she even went to one place and registered with me! </strong>I have even done things with her.  I am super excited that she is pregnant! SHe is an only child, so I am going to be the closest thing to an aunt to the baby. I did ALL of her shower and bachlorette (sp?) stuff for her when I was in nursing school and working full time.  <strong>She's working full time, in school, trying to sell her house, and her husband is working out of town.</strong>  I am not expecting her to drop everything for my wedding, just take 5 minutes to help someone with planning.  <strong>How do i approach this with her?  Do I try to talk to her, or maybe write a letter? Or just let it go?</strong>
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    From what I read, the problem is the other girls with her.  They are adults, THEY should handle.  You shouldn't be involved in the middle of that situation anyway.

    She isn't required to be invoved in dress shopping, registering, etc.  She decided to come with you that's a big plus.  I sure hope you didn't drag her there. 

    And having a baby is stressful.  Especially if it's your first.  I doN't know how those baby classes work but I'm pretty sure you need to sign up for them in advance as they have limited admission.  It's not because she's being self-centered, she wants to plan ahead.

    Her husband is OOT...She's selling her house...Going through pregnancy ALONE...In school and working full-time....Can you spell STRESS???

    Don't get involved in the situation.  She hasn't done anything wrong.  It's good that you're excited for her having a baby but you also need to understand that her needs are different.
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    kcmo2011kcmo2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for your opinion.  Things dont work that way here.  In my opinion she should be doing more than just showing up.  She should want to do those things with/for me.

    And if it was up to me I wouldnt have ANY parties.  I have been in 8 weddings. I have had my share.  You are right they are extra, but they are also part of tradition.  Of course my family wants to throw me one.  But my friedns I said no, and when they said yes I said no gifts, donate to a charity.
     
    I'm pissy cuz when you figure out that you have been in a one sided friendship for 15 years, it tends to make you angry!
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    kcmo2011kcmo2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I guess you would actually have to see and live the whole picture.  A board on the not was not a good place to go for advice!
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    edited December 2011
    Then why did you ask if you already know the answer you want?  And I'm not even going to ASK what gifts you are registering for if your wedding is only immediate family.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    kcmo2011kcmo2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    The WEDDING is immediate family only, More are invited to the RECPETION. I'm not that much of a incondsiderate bitch that you are all making me out to be!

    I ASKED her if she wanted to go dress shopping.  I ASKED her if she wanted to help me register.  I am no bridezilla. 

    I just thought that she would be more excited for me.  I just thaought that she would want to do the same things I did for her. I thought wrong.

      And her husband comes home every night, he just works 2 hours away. My mistake on writing OOT.  She isnt alone.

    I thought wrong.  According to you all, I am the bad friend. I should never think that my longest friend would want to be there for me for my wedding! MY BAD!

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:f960d0b5-261c-423b-a2ee-3d7e55f84b5d">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for your opinion.  <strong>Things dont work that way here.  In my opinion she should be doing more than just showing up.  She should want to do those things with/for me.</strong> And if it was up to me I wouldnt have ANY parties.  I have been in 8 weddings. I have had my share.  You are right they are extra, but they are also part of tradition.  Of course my family wants to throw me one.  But my friedns I said no, and when they said yes I said no gifts, donate to a charity.   I'm pissy cuz when you figure out that you have been in a one sided friendship for 15 years, it tends to make you angry!
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    Your friend sounds really busy.  She's not meeting your expectations.  So lower your expectations.  Re-read the bolded part, you definitely have expectations, and they are unrealistic.

    She was trying to book her baby class around your bridal schedule.  What's wrong with that?
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:037965e1-3ddf-4a3e-b972-3e2d3bbe5e96">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess you would actually have to see and live the whole picture.  A board on the not was not a good place to go for advice!
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    We can only perceive the situation based on the information that we have.  That is based solely on your OP.  Try and explain a bit more, maybe we can help you.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:14b42006-34b3-4f1a-9855-6f79b1927312">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]The WEDDING is immediate family only, More are invited to the RECPETION. I'm not that much of a incondsiderate bitch that you are all making me out to be! I ASKED her if she wanted to go dress shopping.  I ASKED her if she wanted to help me register.  I am no bridezilla.  I just thought that she would be more excited for me.  I just thaought that she would want to do the same things I did for her. I thought wrong.   And her husband comes home every night, he just works 2 hours away. My mistake on writing OOT.  She isnt alone. I thought wrong.  According to you all, I am the bad friend. I should never think that my longest friend would want to be there for me for my wedding! MY BAD!
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]
    A wedding is a happy time.  You need someone "there for you" in sad times.  If you need emotional support to plan a party, you're doing it wrong.

    And FYI, many people consider reception-only invites to be inconsiderate.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Cynthia1207Cynthia1207 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:14b42006-34b3-4f1a-9855-6f79b1927312">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]The WEDDING is immediate family only, More are invited to the RECPETION. I'm not that much of a incondsiderate bitch that you are all making me out to be! I ASKED her if she wanted to go dress shopping.  I ASKED her if she wanted to help me register.  I am no bridezilla.  I just thought that she would be more excited for me.  I just thaought that she would want to do the same things I did for her. I thought wrong.   And her husband comes home every night, he just works 2 hours away. My mistake on writing OOT.  She isnt alone. I thought wrong. <strong> According to you all, I am the bad friend. I should never think that my longest friend would want to be there for me for my wedding! MY BAD!</strong>
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    Don't make your wedding dictate your friendship.  She probably IS excited for you, just not at the extent you expect her to be.  When someone is a GOOD friend, and their friend asks them to do something they don't want to do, like I don't know registering for their wedding, they still go even if they don't want.  She still went.  What is it exactly that you expect her to do more?
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    vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Do you also have a honeymoon registry? 
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:14b42006-34b3-4f1a-9855-6f79b1927312">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]The WEDDING is immediate family only, More are invited to the RECPETION. I'm not that much of a incondsiderate bitch that you are all making me out to be! I ASKED her if she wanted to go dress shopping.  I ASKED her if she wanted to help me register.  I am no bridezilla.  I just thought that she would be more excited for me.  I just thaought that she would want to do the same things I did for her. I thought wrong.   And her husband comes home every night, he just works 2 hours away. My mistake on writing OOT.  She isnt alone. I thought wrong.  According to you all, I am the bad friend. I should never think that my longest friend would want to be there for me for my wedding! MY BAD!
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    You're getting all worked up for no reason.  First of all, yes, it's considered rude to have a tiered wedding.  That is to invite people to some things only.  You're risking offending those invited only to the reception and not to the wedding.  True fact.

    Your friend isn't saying that she doesn't want to be there, you are.  What does she need to be "there" for you for anyway?  I'm just saying that you would be good to look at your own expectations of her, and lower them.  Give her a break.  She's pregnant with her child.  Having a baby trumps a wedding in importance.  Every time.
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    RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:14b42006-34b3-4f1a-9855-6f79b1927312">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]The WEDDING is immediate family only, More are invited to the RECPETION. I'm not that much of a incondsiderate bitch that you are all making me out to be!Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    Actually, if I was invited, I'd think you were one for inviting me only to the reception.  Doesn't matter where you're from, it's rude everywhere.  Small ceremony = small reception.

    Her baby trumps your wedding.  Get over yourself.  If you have a kid of your own someday, you'll get it then.
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    kcmo2011kcmo2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I wish I could explain it better.  All this did is make me look like a bad friend.  This has gone on for 15 years.  She's an only child, and she doesnt look outside of the box.  Everything has always been about her.  Even now, she wont be attending my bachloretter party cuz shes pregnant. (its a BBQ at my house).  She refuses to give a speech at the reception, cuz shes pregnant.  She has told me, she doesnt know how long she will stay at the wedding cuz shes pregnant.  Cant that be decided later?  She refuses to have the shower at her house cuz its for sale.(I dont know why that has anyhting to do with it? Not like im going to trash it) She doesnt exactly think before she speaks.  And has hurt my feelings.

    About the baby classes, there are so many of them offered it shouldnt matter when it is.  Schedule it.  You either make it or you dont! (And I am meaning the shower not the class cuz obviously that is important to her) But instead she harasseed friends about it and pissed a bunch of people off.

    And to aerin: YOu dont know anything about me or my wedding so dont tell me what is inconsiderate.  Thats not even what I am on here for!

    You can all read into that as you please.  I guess I am just too loyal of a friend and screwed by the time that its my turn. 


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    jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:30ebea35-3da1-45b2-a9b1-bff3324dbc14">Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]She's working full time, in school, trying to sell her house, and her husband is working out of town.  I am not expecting her to drop everything for my wedding, just take 5 minutes to help someone with planning.  How do i approach this with her?  Do I try to talk to her, or maybe write a letter? Or just let it go?
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    Sounds like she has a lot on her plate. There's what you listed there PLUS she is expecting a child. Let it go and see what kind of help she needs from you while her husband is working out of town. 
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    kcmo2011kcmo2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Must be easy for you all to sit behind a computer screen and write these things! Damn. I guess ill get over myself.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:303c4e07-7d65-4e5f-bb9f-c3a686546c9b">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wish I could explain it better.  All this did is make me look like a bad friend.  This has gone on for 15 years.  She's an only child, and she doesnt look outside of the box.  Everything has always been about her.  <strong>Even now, she wont be attending my bachloretter party cuz shes pregnant. (its a BBQ at my house).  She refuses to give a speech at the reception, cuz shes pregnant.  She has told me, she doesnt know how long she will stay at the wedding cuz shes pregnant.  Cant that be decided later?  She refuses to have the shower at her house cuz its for sale.(I dont know why that has anyhting to do with it? Not like im going to trash it) </strong>She doesnt exactly think before she speaks.  And has hurt my feelings. About the baby classes, there are so many of them offered it shouldnt matter when it is.  Schedule it.  You either make it or you dont! (And I am meaning the shower not the class cuz obviously that is important to her) But instead she harasseed friends about it and pissed a bunch of people off. <strong>And to aerin : YOu dont know anything about me or my wedding so dont tell me what is inconsiderate.</strong>  Thats not even what I am on here for! You can all read into that as you please.  I guess I am just too loyal of a friend and screwed by the time that its my turn. 
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]
    None of these support your first statement.  She doesn't have to attend the bachelorette.  She doesn't have to give a speech.  She doesn't have to stay the whole time.  She certainly doesn't have to open her home for a party.  All of these would be true whether she were pregnant or not.  So if there really is some way that she's making it all about her, you haven't mentioned it yet.

    As for the second part, it's simple etiquette.  If you don't want it discussed, don't bring it up, but that doesn't make it any less true that some people will be offended not to be invited to the ceremony, no matter how much they tell you to your face otherwise.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    edited December 2011
    Is this MUD? Troll? This can't be real!
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:48c22979-c328-4379-aaff-aa5e7c3b14db">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Must be easy for you all to sit behind a computer screen and write these things! Damn. I guess ill get over myself.
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    We're trying to help you, by giving you the truth of the issue.  Yes, people WILL be hurt by not being invited to your ceremony.  Yes, your friend IS pregnant, and she's just trying to give you a heads up.  She's trying to lower your expectations of her.  You're just not getting it.

    Her house is for sale.  She's not having a party in it.  I wouldn't either.  That's totally reasonable.

    None of what you're saying makes her a bad friend.  That's what I'm trying to point out.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow.  You're very angry.  You're angry at your friend who hasn't done anything wrong.  You're angry at posters here who are trying to explain to you that your friend hasn't done anything wrong.

    You're angry at people who are telling you that just because YOU made the choice to do things for someone else, they are not obligated to return the favor.

    And for the life of me, I'm having a hard time, with all of the ugly things you've said about your MOH, why you consider her a close enough friend to ask her to be the MOH.

    I think you need to go take a bubble bath with a lovely glass of pinot grigio in your hand.  Because you're very angry.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:303c4e07-7d65-4e5f-bb9f-c3a686546c9b">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wish I could explain it better.  All this did is make me look like a bad friend.  This has gone on for 15 years.  She's an only child, and she doesnt look outside of the box.  Everything has always been about her.  Even now, she wont be attending my bachloretter party cuz shes pregnant. (its a BBQ at my house).  She refuses to give a speech at the reception, cuz shes pregnant.  She has told me, she doesnt know how long she will stay at the wedding cuz shes pregnant.  Cant that be decided later?  <strong>She refuses to have the shower at her house cuz its for sale.(I dont know why that has anyhting to do with it?</strong> Not like im going to trash it) She doesnt exactly think before she speaks.  And has hurt my feelings. About the baby classes, there are so many of them offered it shouldnt matter when it is.  Schedule it.  You either make it or you dont! (And I am meaning the shower not the class cuz obviously that is important to her) But instead she harasseed friends about it and pissed a bunch of people off. And to aerin : YOu dont know anything about me or my wedding so dont tell me what is inconsiderate.  Thats not even what I am on here for! You can all read into that as you please.  I guess I am just too loyal of a friend and screwed by the time that its my turn. 
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]
    If I was selling my house, I definitely would not be offering to host a party.  People can decide to come see your house with like a day's notice.  Personally, I would want to cater to the people who wanted to see my house.  You want to see my house at 1 p.m. on Sunday?  Ok, no prob. 

    You say you are made because she's not planning your parties and then you say you don't even want any parties, so why be mad in the first place?
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    jcamm11jcamm11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:30ebea35-3da1-45b2-a9b1-bff3324dbc14">Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]

    1) She will not be walking down the aisle nor standing.  She has already told me that she is NOT giving any kind of speech b/c she doesnt want to stand up in front of everyone all fat and preg.

    2)  I have involved her in a lot of the stuff that a MOH would do: dress shopping, picking stuff out, she even went to one place and registered with me!

    3) I did ALL of her shower and bachlorette (sp?) stuff for her when I was in nursing school and working full time.

    4) I am not expecting her to drop everything for my wedding, just take 5 minutes to help someone with planning.  How do i approach this with her?  Do I try to talk to her, or maybe write a letter? Or just let it go?
    Posted by kcmo2011[/QUOTE]

    1)  It sounds like she doesn't really want to be a MOH at all if she's refusing to do any of the most basic things (walking down the isle).  Do you think she maybe never wanted this role in your wedding, but felt pressured?  It's hurtful, but try to understand if this is the case.

    2) You should be thankful she did those things with you, it was very nice of her.

    3) That was really cool of you to do all that stuff, and I'm sure she appreciated it.  Don't be hurt by the fact you aren't recieving the same back though.

    4) You don't approach her.  There's no polite way to tell someone they need to pitch in for a party for you.

    I think you're a great friend, but you expect your friend to do as much for you as you do for her, and that's where your hurt feelings are coming in.  Lower your expectations and be thankful for what you do recieve, and you'll be much happier.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:4d6accc4-f695-4fb9-a169-f312242118df">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is this MUD? Troll? This can't be real!
    Posted by schlagetermari[/QUOTE]

    God, I hope so. 
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    whirlybird27whirlybird27 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:f1673bd4-882d-4165-bbf4-c223bec64ce7">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor : God, I hope so. 
    Posted by ichellemay1[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto-otherwise someone needs a time out.</div>
    IAmPregnant Ticker
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    graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You asked what you should do. My answer is to let it go. A BM's duty is to get a dress and show up. Period. That doesn't matter where you are from; it is basic wedding etiquette. She doesn't have to plan anything for you or offer her home for parties. Although I understand that you would be upset because she did not reciprocate the favors you gave her, she isn't required to help you plan anything. The planning should be done by the bride and groom or a paid planner. Parties are gifts that may or may not be given-- they aren't expectations. 

    I don't think that you are necessarily a bad friend, and I don't think that anyone said you were. You obviously put time and money into her parties which proves that you cared to make her wedding special. However, when you say things like her "damn baby classes" it sounds like you're forgetting that being a mom is the most important thing in her life right now and that nobody will care more about your wedding than you do. Of course she wants to plan around them, that only makes sense. 
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    edited December 2011
    I think one of the key things you are forgetting is that you said in your first post that you knew she was pregnant when you asked her to be your MOH.  Maybe you've never had a child or been close to someone that has.  As a mom and a bride with a BM that is pregnant, please, calm down.  

    I have no expectations of my pregnant BM, I am even aware that she might not make it because she is pregnant.  I had asked her knowing that they were trying to get pregnant and still had no expectations.  I asked her because she is a good friend and I want her by my side.  It would be nice if she could participate in other activities, but it would be unfair of me to expect that from her or anyone else in the wedding party.

    There is a lot going on with your friend besides just being pregnant and moving and a husband that has to work far away...  There are HORMONES!  Yes, she MAY or MAY NOT be right about what she is doing, but she is going through a lot with her body and mind right now and having a baby is way bigger than a wedding.  Maybe you should talk to her about all of that and maybe talk to her about stepping down to BM instead of MOH and you can appoint someone else that will do what you are asking.  But be prepared, she might get hurt or she might get excited.  

    Honestly, you are attacking a bunch of people that are just trying to help you.  No one attacked back until you went off on them.  It was uncalled for.  You asked for advice, you got it.  If this many people are telling you you are being unreasonable, maybe you need to reassess the situation or how your posts read.  GL
    Blog Planning Site Anniversary 2007- Fell down stairs, herniated 4 disks, Degenerative Disk Disease, Facet Arthritis Perfectly healthy previous to this fall. 2008- Diagnosed Hypothyroid 2010- Diagnosed severe Vitamin D deficiency and Chronic Mono 2011- Diagnosed Rheumatoid Arthritis, Carpal Tunnel, and Calcified Tendinitis in right shoulder
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    edited December 2011
    I've been an MOH more than once; I was lucky enough to work with brides who didn't particularly care if I could help them or throw showers for them. They just wanted me to wear the dress, show up, and smile.

    And you know what? I ended up throwing some showers. Not because I was obligated, but because I love them, I could afford it both in time and in money, and I wanted to do something nice for them. And I can tell you right now that I would have been much less likely to throw those parties if I felt like I was supposed to. My MOH is a teacher- I know how much of a hardship it is for her to even pay for her dress (we've offered to pay for her, she won't let us) much less throw me extra parties. So I'm not asking. That's way too much.
     
    Seems to me like you need some perspective. It's not about the parties or anything else. It's about sharing the most important day of your life with people you love and people who love you- whatever form that takes. Personally, considering how much stress she's under, I would have been thrilled just to have her there. Just remember why you asked her to be your MOH in the first place.
    "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."- Emily Bronte Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    deb84deb84 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm very confused.  You said you are having a small wedding with no wedding party.  So how exactly is she your MOH? 

    We are also having a small wedding and then larger reception. Wedding will have 60 invited and reception we are inviting 350.  They will still be fed, still be able to order drinks from the open bar and still be able to dance the night away with family and friends.  Most people only go to the reception anyway...
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_supposed-matron-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72918e38-4508-41ff-803a-c7ac4e9785bfPost:34040b36-3003-4760-b063-d0563901ff6e">Re: Supposed to be my Matron Of Honor</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm very confused.  You said you are having a small wedding with no wedding party.  So how exactly is she your MOH?  We are also having a small wedding and then larger reception. Wedding will have 60 invited and reception we are inviting 350.  They will still be fed, still be able to order drinks from the open bar and still be able to dance the night away with family and friends.  Most people only go to the reception anyway...
    Posted by deb84[/QUOTE]

    DITTO

    so if you have no wedding party then why do you have all these expectations for her??
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    edited December 2011
    I just wanted to touch on a few things - not to attack or anything so please don't take it that way!  I do completely understand how you feel hurt by your MOH.  When my older sisters got married, we were all so excited for them, eager to help, throwing showers, etc.  Now they all have kids, and it's my turn for a wedding.  I've had to realize their kids are more important than my wedding.  It's tough, it hurts, but it's the truth.  Remember, this is a life changing event for YOU, but she's also going through a major life changing event herself.  Nobody's wedding is as important to everyone else as it is to themselves.  Again, it's a bummer because you want everyone else to be just as excited, but they just won't be.

    On another note, maybe you should ask her if she wants to step down.  When you say she's refusing to walk down the aisle, give a toast, etc., it doesn't sound like she's too thrilled to have the title.  Granted, it's not REQUIRED of a MOH, but how many people have really had a MOH that doesn't do those things?  Just have a heart to heart, don't let it turn into a battle, but get her true feelings.  She may be completely overwhelmed by what SHE's about to be taking on as well - I'm sure it's terrifying being 100% responsible for another person's life!

    Lastly, I do understand about not wanting to throw a shower at her house.  I'm sure it's not that she doesn't trust you, but what if someone else accidently spilled punch on the carpet/furniture??  Accidents happen, and when you have something that big up for sale, I can understand not taking those risks.  

    Again, don't take this as an attack.  I'm just trying to point out a couple of things you might not have thought of.  I do understand the frustration when you've done all those things for her and it's not reciprocated.  I'm in the same boat and it does suck.  If she's placing the responsibility on your other friends (your OP made it sound that way), just let them do all of this for you.  Again, it's not their responsibility (which technically it's not hers either) but if they're willing and happy to do it, at least you have that!  I hope this helps a little, having somebody else understand your frustration.  I hope you get this figured out and your wedding day is amazing for you!     
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