MIL drama

klokowac

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orangecrush32

I think you should let them suggest who to leave off the guest list, but let them know you and FI will have the ultimate decisions.

tldh

Your FI needs to give them a set number of invites that are their choice.  They can do whatever they want with them.

bablingbrooke

What you should do is tell them, "We have to cut X people from your side.  Tell us which ones should be cut."  It's not unreasonable for them to want to tell you which people they would be okay with not inviting; you may unknowingly uninvite someone important to them.  This is hardly them "taking over the wedding."  You seem to be overreacting.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72c10c1a-a378-4bc9-a9fc-ad6419820e99Post:efa92426-6b34-4bc8-a1e9-f182159d436c">MIL drama</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are planning on getting married in a year, but there is already drama surfacing over the guest list. My parents are paying for most of the wedding and his are not contributing anything. We also plan on having a small wedding and are trying to keep the guest list to 130 people max. My own guest list is less than half, and my fiance knows who he would want to invite on his side. They have a large family and we will only be inviting a small handful of close friends. Their orginal guest list totaled at about 115 people that would likely attend, and my fiance cut out about 16 people. Now his parents are saying that if any cuts are going to be made to their portion of the guest list, they will be the ones to decide who does and does not get cut. What I'm worried about is that they will cut out people we see at church every week (or friends) so that they can invite distant family that my fiance has only seen once or twice in his whole life, or a couple of their own personal friends. How can my fiance tactfully tell them that since this is our wedding, we should decide who does and does not come to the wedding? Please help! I feel like my in-laws are trying to take over my wedding!
Posted by klokowac[/QUOTE]

R.Wilsonny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:72c10c1a-a378-4bc9-a9fc-ad6419820e99Post:78dc437d-67bc-48f7-b360-41e5eb90ab64">Re: MIL drama</a>:
[QUOTE] (FYI, do not give them any invitations to address you will set yourself up for a lot of trouble). This is your FI territory and needs to tell his parents that they can not cut anyone from your side or you/your friends side. The only side they can have input is his family.
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

This was another issue that I ran into and you are SO right! I was actually told that it is 'impossible' to have 60 close friends - so essentially, she was hinting that we should cut our friends list. Meanwhile, we actually have way more than 60 friends, but unfortunately, the friends were the first people to get cut to accomodate both our families. My fmil also said that she wanted to address invitations for their family. Luckily, my FI had enough sense to nip that in the bud because I'm not about to let anyone else but me address the invitations.....pity because I could certainly use the help, but unfortunately she's changed their guest list so many times already I have to do this on my own.....

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72c10c1a-a378-4bc9-a9fc-ad6419820e99Post:efa92426-6b34-4bc8-a1e9-f182159d436c">MIL drama</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are planning on getting married in a year, but there is already drama surfacing over the guest list. My parents are paying for most of the wedding and his are not contributing anything. We also plan on having a small wedding and are trying to keep the guest list to 130 people max. My own guest list is less than half, and my fiance knows who he would want to invite on his side. They have a large family and we will only be inviting a small handful of close friends. Their orginal guest list totaled at about 115 people that would likely attend, and my fiance cut out about 16 people. Now his parents are saying that if any cuts are going to be made to their portion of the guest list, they will be the ones to decide who does and does not get cut. What I'm worried about is that they will cut out people we see at church every week (or friends) so that they can invite distant family that my fiance has only seen once or twice in his whole life, or a couple of their own personal friends. How can my fiance tactfully tell them that since this is our wedding, we should decide who does and does not come to the wedding? Please help! I feel like my in-laws are trying to take over my wedding!
Posted by klokowac[/QUOTE]

There are a couple ways to divide a guests list. The first is have a cut off on both sides on relatives stand point be it 1st cousins, aunts & uncles only, etc.

The second is to divide the guests list in thirds (your family, his family, you/your FI friends) and give each X amount of people.

The last one is if you have seen the person/ppl in X many years. This way no one can cut someone else's guest and add their own. Also since his family is not paying they do NOT get the final say on who does and does not get an invite (FYI, do not give them any invitations to address you will set yourself up for a lot of trouble). This is your FI territory and needs to tell his parents that they can not cut anyone from your side or you/your friends side. The only side they can have input is his family.

klokowac

"Taking over the wedding" may have been a bit drastic, but that was the initial feeling. Perhaps trying to take over who comes was better. I'm okay with their input, but ultimately I want my fiance to be happy with who comes and not have any regrets just because his parents insisted his great aunt he's seen once be invited to come instead of a friend from church.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mil-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:72c10c1a-a378-4bc9-a9fc-ad6419820e99Post:f022cf0a-30fe-43dc-8f6c-626648d48a0d">Re: MIL drama</a>:
[QUOTE]"Taking over the wedding" may have been a bit drastic, but that was the initial feeling. Perhaps trying to take over who comes was better. I'm okay with their input, but ultimately I want my fiance to be happy with who comes and not have any regrets just because his parents insisted his great aunt he's seen once be invited to come instead of a friend from church.
Posted by klokowac[/QUOTE]
Give them X invites and let them pick who they want.  Not everyone gets to invite everyone they want; DH and I didn't get to invite as many friends because of our large families.  It's about compromise.  His great-aunt may not be that close to YOU, but she may be very close with his parents.  Either way, I would just give them a set number and then let them fill in the blanks.  If they want more, they're welcome to pay for more.<div>
</div><div>I kind of feel for family; in 5 years, you may not be speaking to this friend from church anymore, but your family will still be your family.  Don't forget that your FI's family will soon be your family, so you need to act accordingly.</div><div>
</div><div>I know you feel like it should be only who you guys want, but since you have other people involved here, you do need to be a bit flexible and accept that you may have some total strangers (or near-strangers) there if that's who your FILs fill in; you dont' get veto power over every guest.  You'll work this out.  </div>

DNAtime

We made our guest list by the FI and I making our own list.  Brides parents list which includes family.  Groom's parents list which includes family.  We also asked parents to indicate who we should cut if we had to trim the guest list. This tactic ultimately ended us at 130.  We were okay with this.
However, if your list is too big at this point give each list 1/3 of the total list and tell your  ILs to work it out, or you will work it out for them.  Mayber nicer than that...

LuluP82

I also think that you should give them a certain number of guests they get to invite. We had a small wedding (under 70 ppl). My dad was paying for the wedding. We told my ILs they could each invite 2 couples (we had included their families already in our list).

You should have separate lists-- the 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 list works well. If you have 130 guests, that gives them around 40 guests. Give them 40 that they have veto power over.

If they want more than 40, tell them it will cost an additional X pp, and that you and your parents don't have the budget to accomodate them. At that point, they may offer to cover the costs of their additional guests.

Now, if your FI wants control over the 40 guests the ILs want to invite, it's his issue with his parents-- stay out of it!

You two get around 40 guests too-- maybe you can't accomodate everyone from church on your list, and that sucks, but you do have a limited guest list. IF you want more, perhaps you can contribute to make up the difference as well.