Guest list

erinkathleen512

Last night my mom and I discussed the guest list. I come from a large family but also have a lot of friends. These are genuine friends that I talk to all the time, I'm not one of those brides that wants to involve every acquaintance I know. So I have made a list of people, from my family, his family, and our friends. It came to about 215-220. My mom does not want to invite more than 200. She also doesn't believe we will get many declines (and while I know the rule tends to be that 20% decline, I actually agree with her on this one- so many people are local and I just don't think we'll get many regrets). She wants me to cut some friends.

So, I said that I would pay for anything that goes over 200. I worked hard for many years and have a good amount of savings. My mom said I can't contribute to the guest list. My dad wouldn't accept my money. So I'm like, "What you're telling me is: 1) I have to cut friends but 2) I can't contribute to the list that would avoid cutting said friends?" Does anyone else find this a little unfair? She seems obsessed with this "200" number, with no flexibility (and I think her goal is to get it much under 200). I mean I think having the invite list at 215 is reasonable, since while we may not get many regrets, that could at least maybe bring it to 210 or 205.

OH- and a few months ago, she told me I would be paying for the photography and the music, which I was fine with. Then my amazing in-laws swooped in and surprised us with taking care of the music. So, what is the big difference between me paying for music or me contributing to the guest list (it's basically the same price)? I already had it in my head that I was putting that amount to the music, so it's not like I feel like I'm losing even more money.

Thoughts?
(Sorry if this was a long post!)

marissa_claire

I think you're right here.  If you're offering to pay for those friends, I see no issue with it.  If she is that insistent on getting the # below 200, I would suggest you split the difference.  If you're currently 15-20 over, how about you both cut 10 people from your respective lists?  That seems the most fair.  

Unfortunately, with parents paying they do get say.  I don't think it should necessarily mean veto power, but she does have a say in the guest list.  

lisab613

i think your offer to pay for the guests over 200 is a great idea. maybe if she thinks about it for a little while she'll come around to it, too. let it cool for a day or two and then go back to her about it. maybe just tell her, look, i want to contribute, i was planning on doing it anyway, this way everyone wins.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:743dafec-746b-427a-a492-6dd42eeb6842Post:3d1ec53d-40e4-4e3e-b388-9ed367778f1e">Re: Guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're right here.  If you're offering to pay for those friends, I see no issue with it.  If she is that insistent on getting the # below 200, I would suggest you split the difference.  If you're currently 15-20 over, how about you both cut 10 people from your respective lists?  That seems the most fair.   Unfortunately, with parents paying they do get say.  I don't think it should necessarily mean veto power, but she does have a say in the guest list.  
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

I agree with Marissa. But here's the problem I do see- if you insist that you'll pay for anything over 200, what will your mom do? Will she pull her funding? It sounds like she's basically paying for venue/food (right? so she's paying the total cost of 200) and that does give her a lot of say. I think she's being unfair, but I'm not sure you'll be able to change her mind on this one. I guess the best you can do is try to talk to her about it, politely, and see what happens. But if she's paying, then she can technically dictate it. You can't force her to use her money in a way that you see fit.

Money comes with strings, so if it upsets you that much, you could decline her offer of paying. I'm guessing that you may not have that much money to contribute though (since you're counting on your mom to pay), but if you accept money you have to accept the strings with it too.

Beachy730

Your mom is being too controlling on this.  It is still your and FI's wedding, so you get to invite who you want as well, especially if you are willing to pay for the extras.  And its really not fair of her to tell you that the 15-20 needing to be cut are your friends.  Sometimes I think parents forget that its not their social event of the year, and that its actually their child's wedding.  My mom tried telling us we should cut some of our friends when our list got really high and I just looked at her and said "you're kidding, right?  I would rather pay more than I planned than not invite our friends." 

Who is sending out the invites and receiving the RSVPs?  If its you doing both, I would just say screw it an invite them.  I know its not best to go behind someone's back, but I really think you're mother is being ridiculous.  And if you don't want to do that, tell her you are not cutting anyone and if she wants to cut 15-20 then she can make the cuts from her own list.  Or as a PP said offer to split the difference.

I'm not at all saying to act like a zilla or stomp your feet saying its your wedding, but this is one area where I think you get to have the final say if you're willing to pay the difference.

Muffin'sMom

Just a couple of thoughts....Will the venue hold everyone if you get 100%?   Have you talked to your dad about it?  Your MOM says he will say no....but will he?  Occasionally one parent will answer for another without actually getting an opinion.  I think maybe this is a conversation you should have with BOTH of them.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:743dafec-746b-427a-a492-6dd42eeb6842Post:3779537c-1796-4889-a4a6-d16e15382076">Re: Guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Just a couple of thoughts....Will the venue hold everyone if you get 100%?   Have you talked to your dad about it?  Your MOM says he will say no....but will he?  Occasionally one parent will answer for another without actually getting an opinion.  I think maybe this is a conversation you should have with BOTH of them.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]

Good point.  My dad was the mediator between my mom and I several times when we butted heads during the wedding planning.  And he always calmy reminded her that it was my wedding, not hers, so I should get the final say.  (I being H and I). 

erinkathleen512

Actually, funny you brought that up because in the beginning of the discussion, my mom told me it had to be 200 because the place does not hold any more than that unless we start putting people in another room. I know for a fact that this isn't true, because my m-i-l is a member of this place and knows plenty people that have recently had weddings there. She said you could comfortably fit 215 before resorting to assigning people to the adjacent room. I brought this up to my mom, and then she started saying she just didn't want it to be more than 200, in fact she is hoping for less than that. I was like, "So you just wanted to try and blame it on the venue's capacity, but really it's just about the number you want."

Sheesh, anyway, I agree with getting dad involved, although sometimes he can be a blinded supporter of my mom. Update: I recently mentioned the music thing to her (that I was already planning on paying for that, so what's the difference if I use that money towards guests which I care about more than music?) and she heard me out. She didn't really react, but hopefully it will be a good thing.

erinkathleen512

I wish there was a polite way to somehow insert a "you won't offend us if you can't/don't want to attend" on the invitations- LOL!

cyn1812000

LOL... I love that last part. 

I was wishing I could put something like that about bringing gifts on my invitations "Feel free to come without a gift - we have tons of stuff already" just because our wedding will be 3 weeks after Christmas, 1 week after the Grooms B-Day and 2 weeks before mine.

landra310s

I had a similar situation.  My guest list is 260 right now.  My parents are helping pay for the reception, but are by no means paying for the whole thing.  My mother kept telling me to cut back on our friends list... that we had too many invited. Even though it wouldn't affect what she was contributing, it's a set amount.  It affects only FI and I!!  So I decided to count up how many family I had invited (80 - my parents are each 1 of 6), how much FI had invited (20), my friends(~30), his friends (~30).. etc.  then totalled up the group of friends my mother invited (46).  She had more friends on her list than I did.  When I dropped that bomb.. she has backed off.  I'm not going to allow her to have all these people there that I don't knnow, and kick my friends at my wedding off the list.  SORRY!  Stand up and tell her no, your paying for it and it's your wedding!