XP: Pregnant Bridesmaid

diybridemama

My best friend called me yesterday and let me know that she would not want me to be stading up there with her at her wedding next month as one of her bridesmaids because:

1. I will be 7.5 months pregnant at her wedding (I was pregnant before she even found out she was going to have to plan her wedding in approx. 3 mth. and she asked me to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged.

2. won't look good in a dress her other bridesmaids are picking to make them look good which their budget is $50 for. 

3. Afraid that I will feint while she is at the alter (I feinted twice during my pregancy because I became hypoglycemic after conception, but that was because I didn't know I am hypoglycemic).

She also mentioned she still wanted me to buy a dress and be in the wedding colors so, I still look like I am part of the bridal party but, that I am more important than a bridesmaid to her and she wanted me to be her "right-hand man" and help her serve at the reception and help her get ready, etc. 

I was crying while she was telling me this and off and on the past 24 hours. I sent her an e-mail this morning appalled how she could ask this of me and how she made me feel fat for the first time in my life ever, how lame her excuses are and how she essentially wants me doing maid of honor duties for her without the title or the honor of standing by her side. My final decision was that I didn't want to be there, if she didn't want me standing up there with her. 

I hoped it wasn't too harsh, but I really don't like drama and especially not while I am six months pregnant. 

she e-mailed me back this afternoon. said she was sorry and how I hurt her with my cutting e-mail and how our friendship is being damaged and how friendship is more important than being a bridesmaid anyways and how she still wants me there for the wedding, etc. etc. 

My true dilemma is:

she is suppose to be the Maid of Honor at my wedding. 

 

aerinpegadrak

If you're ready to end the friendship (and I probably would be after a stunt like that), then it will be understood that she's no longer in your wedding.

It's ridiculous that she thinks that walking down the aisle and then standing in place will be too strenuous, but running around waiting on her is a much better solution.

trix1223

I answered you on the WP board.

lalap69

I also answered you on the WP board.

saisongbird

We get that this is a totally crappy situation, but if you're going to post on multiple boards, please write XP somewhere in the title of the post.

Cherylleann

Crazy Bridezilla friend.  I wouldn't want her as my MOH but if you are close friends and you can move past it, do.

deepcovejackie

She's being ridiculous.  Just attend as a guest, if you're inclined.  You're under no obligation to have her in your WP if the friendship has ended.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:75266d68-8033-41ce-b066-bf5e02a0946fPost:3594da6a-37d5-43eb-bc67-26985bf741a6">Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend called me yesterday and let me know that she would not want me to be stading up there with her at her wedding next month as one of her bridesmaids because: 1. I will be 7.5 months pregnant at her wedding (I was pregnant before she even found out she was going to have to plan her wedding in approx. 3 mth. and she asked me to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged. 2. won't look good in a dress her other bridesmaids are picking to make them look good which their budget is $50 for.  3. Afraid that I will feint while she is at the alter (I feinted twice during my pregancy because I became hypoglycemic after conception, but that was because I didn't know I am hypoglycemic). She also mentioned she still wanted me to buy a dress and be in the wedding colors so, I still look like I am part of the bridal party but, that I am more important than a bridesmaid to her and she wanted me to be her "right-hand man" and help her serve at the reception and help her get ready, etc.  I was crying while she was telling me this and off and on the past 24 hours. I sent her an e-mail this morning appalled how she could ask this of me and how she made me feel fat for the first time in my life ever, how lame her excuses are and how she essentially wants me doing maid of honor duties for her without the title or the honor of standing by her side. My final decision was that I didn't want to be there, if she didn't want me standing up there with her.  I hoped it wasn't too harsh, but I really don't like drama and especially not while I am six months pregnant.  she e-mailed me back this afternoon. said she was sorry and how I hurt her with my cutting e-mail and how our friendship is being damaged and how friendship is more important than being a bridesmaid anyways and how she still wants me there for the wedding, etc. etc.  My true dilemma is: she is suppose to be the Maid of Honor at my wedding.   
Posted by diybridemama[/QUOTE]

I saw this on the WP board also.  Just as a heads-up for next time, please mention "XP" in the subject if you're posting the same thing to multiple boards.

I get the impression that she's more worried about how you will look in the wedding and her pictures than having you stand (or sit - if she was worried about you fainting, she could have a chair for you rather than kick you out of the WP).  You should explain to her that her kicking you out of the WP was hurtful, and that she is putting the aesthetics of her wedding over your friendship.  Who the hell kicks someone out of their wedding because of pregnancy?!  Besides, if she really cared about your well-being and it wasn't about the look of the wedding and her shallow view of it, she wouldn't have you in a dress in wedding colors and having you do brideslave grunt work. 

Tell her not to flip this around to try to make you feel bad because she kicked you out over your pregnancy, yet she wants you to wait on her hand and foot behind the scenes...that is NOT a friend.  She is the one in the wrong for 1. kicking you out over the miracle of life;  2. expecting you to be okay with being kicked to the curb; and 3. having you do busy work for her without the honor title.  And she owes you an apology, not the other way around.  You can tell her exactly what I said in this entire paragraph.

If she cannot see why she is in the wrong here, then you don't need her as a friend.  If I were you, I wouldn't be her servant.  I wouldn't even show up as a guest.  I'd end the friendship, and by default that means she wouldn't be in my wedding nor even invited.  That's just me.  But I hope you won't allow yourself to be kicked around, manipulated, or used by this "friend."  She's a real piece of work. You're better off without her.

tldh

This was my answer on the WP board:

I am so sorry she did this.  Her e.mail was totally uncalled for.  An apology does not place the blame on the person to whom the apology is issued.  Accommodating a pregnant woman does not include making her the Bride's Bitch For The Day,

I've said before that a wedding is like alcohol in that it will magnify a person's true personality. 

If you wait to throw her out of your BP, you are a better person than I am because I would have kicked the bitch to the curb as soon as I read that e.mail.

ichellemay1

I agree with pp.  Here's what really gets me - she did all this via email??  Geez. 

diybridemama

Thank you all for all your concerns, comments, and advice. After reading a ton of replys, I am grateful I posted and got other people's opinions on the matter. I have decided that I am not going to her wedding especially since it is cross country. 

BTW, This is not by any means how she normally acts and I am sure that someone else thinks that having a pregnant person in the wedding party will somehow hog attention as I noticed the following sentence in her e-mail last night as I was reading it to my fiance':

"If the tables were turned I would not even want to be up there at 7 1/2 mo with an attention belly on your day" 

I haven't responded to the e-mail or contacted her at all and probably am not going to for a very long time. 

Her fiance' is going into the military as soon as they get married and so, we already paid for our wedding photographer to fly in and be at their wedding because my fiance'  and I wanted to make sure that she had quality pictures to remember him by and their wedding day while he is in the service.

As far as her being my MOH, I am not sure what to do about that situation. I can't imagine replacing anyone in my wedding party and even if they were pregnant, I wouldn't want to walk down the aisle without them especially if they were up for it. 

I am so happy to know that I wasn't over-reacting and that it's not just pregnancy hormones. 

thnak you for letting me know about xp. it's sadly my first time using a forum not for school. 

marinabreeze

No problem on the XP...I never saw it until coming on TK.

She was dead wrong.  It's not your hormones, trust me :-).

The WP board posters are right about the photog.  You did her a favor, and she repays you by kicking you out of the WP and then trying to assign you grunt work, all for getting pregnant.  Usually I would be against rescinding a gift already given, but I have no problem with it in this case.  See if you can reduce the package with the photog, or alternately see if they can do a pregnancy and/or baby session with you in lieu of the "friend's" wedding.

She's not worth keeping around as a friend, but it's up to you how you proceed.  If you choose not to be her friend anymore, it's understood that she's out of your wedding.  Don't replace her, and it's okay to have even sides.

bdriley

You could always have the photographer take REALLY unflattering photos of her and send them to her as a gift in a poster sized print with captions that say "ungrateful" and "horrible person".

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:75266d68-8033-41ce-b066-bf5e02a0946fPost:4caee777-719d-4cdc-862a-d0243e7cc400">Re: XP: Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]You could always have the photographer take REALLY unflattering photos of her and send them to her as a gift in a poster sized print with captions that say "ungrateful" and "horrible person". :)
Posted by bdriley[/QUOTE]

Uhh...No.  The photographer has his/her own reputation to protect here.

janicejab

  Wow. I know you said that this is not how your "friend" normally acts, but the problem is that she thinks its ok to act like this now. I would NEVER expect my friends to do work for my wedding. It's my day, not theirs.
  I think you really dodged a bullet by getting kicked out of the WP. It seems like she cares more about appearances than being surrounded by the people she loves on her day. She probably would've run you ragged by the end of it all with all of her brideslave chores too.
  
 

joiner521

From her point of view... I was in a wedding as a bridesmaid a few years ago. One girl got pregnant and at every planning, fitting, rehearsal etc this girl made a scene of her pregnancy. Evrything was about her and sensitive manner. She even stopped the rehearsal because "she" had to sit down. On the wedding day, she bursted out in tears because her dress was uncomfortable. I had to switch dresses with the whiny chick. She proceeded to talk about her OWN wedding which was the year before. It was my friends day, not hers. I actually busted out of the damn dress at the reception. LOL. My friend had a good day though. She is now in my wedding.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:75266d68-8033-41ce-b066-bf5e02a0946fPost:b6f896b9-2f52-4caa-b672-8fbfead16f2c">Re: XP: Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]From her point of view... I was in a wedding as a bridesmaid a few years ago. One girl got pregnant and at every planning, fitting, rehearsal etc this girl made a scene of her pregnancy. Evrything was about her and sensitive manner. She even stopped the rehearsal because "she" had to sit down. On the wedding day, she bursted out in tears because her dress was uncomfortable. I had to switch dresses with the whiny chick. She proceeded to talk about her OWN wedding which was the year before. It was my friends day, not hers. I actually busted out of the damn dress at the reception. LOL. My friend had a good day though. She is now in my wedding.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

This has nothing to do with the OP. It sounds like that girl was an AW and would've caused problems pregnant or not. It is never acceptable to kick someone out of a bridal party because they are pregnant.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_pregnant-bridesmaid-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:75266d68-8033-41ce-b066-bf5e02a0946fPost:b6f896b9-2f52-4caa-b672-8fbfead16f2c">Re: XP: Pregnant Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]From her point of view... I was in a wedding as a bridesmaid a few years ago. One girl got pregnant and at every planning, fitting, rehearsal etc this girl made a scene of her pregnancy. Evrything was about her and sensitive manner. She even stopped the rehearsal because "she" had to sit down. On the wedding day, she bursted out in tears because her dress was uncomfortable. I had to switch dresses with the whiny chick. She proceeded to talk about her OWN wedding which was the year before. It was my friends day, not hers. I actually busted out of the damn dress at the reception. LOL. My friend had a good day though. She is now in my wedding.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]


Gosh, so she must have gotten pregnant JUST to steal the attention!  And I'm sure the fact that she was growing a person had no effect whatsoever on her comfort while picking out a dress, standing during a rehearsal, etc.

We should just have a ban on all pregnant bridesmaids!  Better yet, we should sign a contract with any potential candidates for bridesmaid positions that says they are prohibited from getting pregnant before the wedding.  That way, if we fire one, we'll have back-ups from the candidate pool to choose from.

In the OP's case, she was 5 months pregnant when she was invited to be a bridesmaid.  It's not like it's a surprise that 3 months later, she's got a pregnant belly!  And calling it an "attention belly" is just stupid, self-involved, and absurd.  OP, I'm sorry you had a "friend" treat you like this.  Even though you know she's proven herself to be not worth your friendship, it still stings.

Joiner, I don't think I've seen a single post of yours that hasn't annoyed me.  You choose your bridesmaids based on who you want to be with you on your wedding day.  That's it!  If your friends are so self-involved that they would purposely try to attract attention to themselves, that's because you have lousy friends.  And if you're so self-involved that you would begrudge a pregnant friend from sitting down during your wedding rehearsal, then I am without words.

schbucli3

WOW!! Thats awful.
  My wedding is in about 9 months and my MOH is just married and trying to get pregnant. She could possibly be 7-9 months pregnant for my wedding and I hope she is! The only thing that would ruin my photos would be if I was pregnant!!!
  She sounds like a really selfish person. I hope it all works for the best and you are able to fix the friendship or just be able to move on. Things happen for a reason.

Carol Rose

I'm so sorry that your friend does not see the beauty in your pregnancy. I have two girls standing in my wedding this summer that will be or just had their babies. When my fiance and i got engaged both girls were skeptical because they and their husbands were trying for children and I was happy for them and did not discourge them. I am more than happy for them and think if you ask them to stand for you then you need to take them as they are. Just because someone is getting married does not mean everyone else life stops. So if she can't accept you the way you are as her maid of honour then maybe you should really think about what she really means as a friend. I think that she is being extremely shallow.