Giving BM an "out"?!...need opinions/advice

tracyt14

I have a questions regarding a bridesmaid...  Obviously I understand that BMs don't have to be into wedding plannning blah blah blah ...and that they just have to show up and stand up for you on  the actual day. 

But has anyone ever gotten the feeling that their BM would really prefer to bow out of the WP- that they would prefer the option to bow out after they committed?  Like if you gave them an out and said "I understand that this is becoming to much for you financially or emotionally or whatever and I'm willing to reimburse you for the dress-- and you can put that money towards hotel costs etc if you'd still like to come?!" that the BM would almost be relieved?!

I can't be for certain that this is my case, but my gut says it is...and I guess I am just wondering if it's worth the risk in saying-- or will it blow up in my face if I'm wrong?  Or I could be dead on right- but will she take offense if I offer it up as a suggestion?  I guess what it comes down to is I don't want my wedding to be a stressor, financial hardship or pain in her @$$ and I'm getting the vibe that it is--though my dresses were $100 and I haven't included her in any of the planning- I think she could just be "anti-wedding" or something-- been there felt that way...  Sure- all BMs complain and what not...in this case, I'm just thinking she might really prefer an out.  We already have an unequal number of attendants so it doesn't bother me one way or another- I just want my friend/BM to enjoy the weekend and not loath it. 

Thoughts?!

Muffin'sMom

Then you invite her to lunch, coffee, something.  In the course of the conversation, you spend a few minutes saying how you feel about her..."you are such a special part of mylife and I can't imagine not having you there on the day I get married...it would not be the same without you." 

Then, you tell her what you've said above,  "I understand that this is becoming to much for you financially or emotionally or whatever and I'm willing to reimburse you for the dress-- and you can put that money towards hotel costs etc if you'd still like to come?!"  (Obviously more put together and from the heart than the example).

If she says, yes, you can hug her, tell her you love her, and that you will definitely party the night away at the reception with her.  If she says no, you can say yippeee...you still want to be my BM!!! 

Remember, though, that there is always going to be a chance that the whole discussion goes sideways, and she thinks you are trying to dump her, which could affect your friendship going forward.  So, know that you are taking a chance!

sytom

I think you should confront her.  Your friendship is too important.  As hard as it may be, I'm sure she'll appreciate your honesty.  Chances are she is really happy to be your BM.  Maybe something else is bothering her...  As a friend, you need to find out what it is.  Put the fact that you're the bride aside for the conversation.  I would stick to the you're my friend and I want the best for you and you need to bed enjoying yourself angle.  Talking about money may make things difficult.  I would wait for her to talk about it.  Make sure she feels appreciated, I don't think she has to feel like you don't want her there anymore.

Good luck !!

hawkeyes00

this happened to me. My friend had a baby in May and she quit her job. I think because she quit her job she threw herself into motherhood 200% (as you should - obviously) but i think she takes it over the top a bit so she doesn't feel (as she calls it) "worthless because she doesn't have a job" 

SO after she quit her job and started getting a little overly obsessed with her baby she had lunch with me and started telling me all the requirements she'll need to be a bridesmaid in the wedding - for example she "can only go" 2 hours away from her baby because after 2 hours she misses the baby too much so this is how often she MUST have time to see her. (the baby will be 8 months old by the time the wedding is here) 

She also came to my shower and talked non-stop about the baby. i didn't actually notice because i was talking to people but my friends and other BM were telling me about it after. 

So in my case i finally decided to offer to her that if being a BM is too much with the baby i TOTALLY get it and i told her that if she'd rather be personal attendant to feel a little less commitment but so she could still come to the rehearsal dinner and all that she could or if she just wanted to enjoy the day as a guest that was fine too - whatever she wanted. I said she could decide i didn't care either way, i told her how important she is to me and that i just want her to have fun on the wedding day and enjoy it - so i wanted her to pick whichever option was the least stressful for her. (seriously i'm gonna be a hot mess when i'm a mom someday - i'm sure so i'm all for giving understanding, because i'm sure i'll need it) 

she then proceeded to immediately scream at me in the restaurant we were having lunch in (literally - the table next to us leaned over and asked her to please stop yelling) telling me i JUST DON'T KNOW what it's like to have a baby and how stressful it is and how much she cries and everything. So i said that is why i'm offering you to pick what is the LEAST stressful - because i know you're completely overwhelmed and i want to do what i can to help. She told me if she doesn't have the "title" (apparently my wedding is an office) of Bridesmaid she want's NOTHING (she yelled the NOTHING). 

i got frustrated and said was trying to help and that our wedding is not about "titles" - she said personal attendant is not in the "spotlight" so she doesn't like that option. 

after all this "titles" and "spotlight" talk i told her i thought it would be best if we ended the lunch - cooled down- and talked about it later... 

she proceeded to tell people i "fired" her from my WP - like some dang bridezilla episode! i am NOT a drama girl - and even when i had people telling me she was doing this i didn't say anything to her - I knew the truth and that was all that mattered. 

a few weeks later she asked me to lunch, told me she over reacted, and asked if she could "re-apply" for personal attendant. to which of course i said yes - i told her i asked her to be a part of our big day for a reason!  : )

So I guess my advice would be that even though you think you might be doing something nice, be ware. - i will tell you this particular BM is fairly high drama (which generally i like about her because i'm not so we balance) in most life situations too so if you're dealing with somebody who isn't so dramatic you'll probably be ok... good luck! it's totally hard though - even if you have the best intentions at heart. 

saisongbird

One of my BMs was a total PITA the entire time, and she's later admitted that if she had realized how expensive weddings can be for the bridal party, she would have said no to me and to the other friend whose wedding we were both in earlier this year.  However, even though I couldn't talk ANYTHING wedding with her because she became hostile (even about dresses!), she never would have backed out, nor would she have responded positively to an invitation to drop out.

Talk to her as a FRIEND, rather than as a bride.  And ask if there's anything you could do to make her life a little easier.  See where the conversation goes from there.  And hey, if it's the cost of the dress that's freaking her out, can you offer to help pay for it?  Or have her be a reader rather than a BM (IF SHE WANTS!) so she's still involved but doesn't have to buy the dress?

kairi g

We had a situation at my sister's wedding where one of our friends ASSUMED she would be a bridesmaid, and then we had to find a judicious way of telling her she wasnt without hurting her feelings. It was tough to say the least. Being a bridesmaid can be very important to some girls, and even if they probably would be happier if they werent, the idea of not being there for you is just as bad.

trix1223

Treat your friend like the adult she is.  If she needs to bow out, it's her responsbility to do that, not yours to make it happen. 

I just don't think that there's any way you can word an offer to bow out without your friend hearing an underlying "I don't want you in the wedding anymore.  Please take the hint and quit."  It may not be what you're saying, but I'm pretty sure it's what they'll hear.

She's a big girl.  If she can't handle it, she'll bow out on her own

CaseyandSalley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_giving-bm-outneed-opinionsadvice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7602130e-760b-471d-8434-036b99d51234Post:7b9d35df-c3f5-4a80-81f7-71f0d46e3023">Re: Giving BM an "out"?!...need opinions/advice</a>:
[QUOTE]this happened to me. My friend had a baby in May and she quit her job. I think because she quit her job she threw herself into motherhood 200% (as you should - obviously) but i think she takes it over the top a bit so she doesn't feel (as she calls it) "worthless because she doesn't have a job"  SO after she quit her job and started getting a little overly obsessed with her baby she had lunch with me and started telling me all the requirements she'll need to be a bridesmaid in the wedding - for example she "can only go" 2 hours away from her baby because after 2 hours she misses the baby too much so this is how often she MUST have time to see her. (the baby will be 8 months old by the time the wedding is here)  She also came to my shower and talked non-stop about the baby. i didn't actually notice because i was talking to people but my friends and other BM were telling me about it after.  So in my case i finally decided to offer to her that if being a BM is too much with the baby i TOTALLY get it and i told her that if she'd rather be personal attendant to feel a little less commitment but so she could still come to the rehearsal dinner and all that she could or if she just wanted to enjoy the day as a guest that was fine too - whatever she wanted. I said she could decide i didn't care either way, i told her how important she is to me and that i just want her to have fun on the wedding day and enjoy it - so i wanted her to pick whichever option was the least stressful for her. (seriously i'm gonna be a hot mess when i'm a mom someday - i'm sure so i'm all for giving understanding, because i'm sure i'll need it)  she then proceeded to immediately scream at me in the restaurant we were having lunch in (literally - the table next to us leaned over and asked her to please stop yelling) telling me i JUST DON'T KNOW what it's like to have a baby and how stressful it is and how much she cries and everything. So i said that is why i'm offering you to pick what is the LEAST stressful - because i know you're completely overwhelmed and i want to do what i can to help. She told me if she doesn't have the "title" (apparently my wedding is an office) of Bridesmaid she want's NOTHING (she yelled the NOTHING).  i got frustrated and said was trying to help and that our wedding is not about "titles" - she said personal attendant is not in the "spotlight" so she doesn't like that option.  after all this "titles" and "spotlight" talk i told her i thought it would be best if we ended the lunch - cooled down- and talked about it later...  she proceeded to tell people i "fired" her from my WP - like some dang bridezilla episode! i am NOT a drama girl - and even when i had people telling me she was doing this i didn't say anything to her - I knew the truth and that was all that mattered.  a few weeks later she asked me to lunch, told me she over reacted, and asked if she could "re-apply" for personal attendant. to which of course i said yes - i told her i asked her to be a part of our big day for a reason!  : ) So I guess my advice would be that even though you think you might be doing something nice, be ware. - i will tell you this particular BM is fairly high drama (which generally i like about her because i'm not so we balance) in most life situations too so if you're dealing with somebody who isn't so dramatic you'll probably be ok... good luck! it's totally hard though - even if you have the best intentions at heart. 
Posted by hawkeyes00[/QUOTE]

Same thing happened to me I have a girlfriend with two kids, lives very far from me, I offered to her to be a "honorary" bm, and it blew up in my face pretty much, feelings were very hurt. Tho I thougth I was doing the right thing. I guess I wasnt. Im not all about drama either, I just wanted what was best for her, her time, and finances.  

aerinpegadrak

I gave my brother an out.  But he was having a stupid fight with DH, and the exact wording was, "If you don't support my marriage, I understand if you'd rather just be a guest." 

But it wasn't about how much he was helping, or finances, or outfits, or parties, or any of the other myriad things I see women kicking out WP for.  It was simply that I didn't want anyone up there who didn't agree that we should be getting married.  We worked it out, and he was still an attendant.

Unless you just told your friend that she was going to be a bridesmaid, she's had the opportunity to bow out since the beginning.  I'm sure she's aware of that fact.  Suggesting that she should do so is just insulting.