Momzilla!! Help!

sphelan22

I was raised in Maryland but moved to Colorado for school and that is where my fiance and I met.  We decided to get married in Colorado becuase all of our friends are there and I didn't want to plan a wedding from 3,000 miles away.  At first my mom was very hurt and upset at this, thinking that I didn't care about the family because we were getting married so far away.  She has since gotten over that (hopefully) but now is going against everything I want. 

My fiance and my two older brothers are not close at all so we were going to make them ushers.  When my mom found out she was so upset and thought that it was such a slap in the face - so now he has 8 groomsmen when we were planning on 6.  With the food and centerpieces its the same thing.  Everything that I say or do hurts her feelings and she takes it so personally because it is not what she wants. I am worried when we go dress shopping in a couple weeks she is going to pull the same BS.

I am just trying to be honest and true to what my fiance and I want in our wedding but I also really care about what my mother thinks. 

Any advise on how to handle this would be great!!!

justinsfiancee

Haha I have the same problem and my mom is really close by!  All your ideas are dumb and hers are right.  I get this a lot "Oh, well I would do it this way, but I gues your way is okay too" or just flat out "Well thats dumb".  I have no advice as I have not figured that out yet, but I feel what you are going through!   I don't suppose she is one of those people that you can put the answer in the question, like "Oh these are so pretty I would love these, don't you think so"  and she says yes, vs "Do you like these" which opens up a whole story on their opinion.

Muffin'sMom

If she is paying for the wedding, then she has the right to an opinion on what she is paying for.  The groom has the right to pick out his party, and did not have to make your brother's anything more than ushers. 

I have found that with negative people, you just need a different approach.  Understand and accept that you will get a negative reaction...and then let go of feeling bad about it.  It doesn't mean you love her any less, it just means that your tastes are different.  So, you say you are having puce bridesmaids dresses, she says that's awful, and you smile and change the subject.

If you go into dress shopping with that mindset, it will go easier.  Go with the group, try on a bunch of different styles (including whatever she wants to see you in), narrow it down and then tell everyone you need to think it over and you aren't ready to commit.  Then, come back with someone you trust and find your dress. 

The biggest thing is not to think that she has to agree with you on everything...some people just can't do that.  If you let go of the expectation, it will be a much better experience!  It doesn't change your feelings for each other, it only makes the differences easier to accept.

nhelene

Before you even start looking at dresses with your mom, tell her that you definitely don't want to buy anything that day.  Go home that night and really think about what you want.

"This is the way I've always envisioned my wedding/dress/flowers/etc." is a good phrase to slip in now and again. 

MairePoppy

Email the pictures  of dresses you like to her so she can get a feel for your taste. Encourage her to email you pictures also, so you can politely let her know if something isn't your style.
Before you go shopping, have a talk with her about your expectations. Let her know that her support is important to you and that you would like to have a positive shopping experience. Tell her you are sensitive about this and would like her to keep negative comments to herself. If the shopping trip isn't going well, cut it short and make an appointment for you to go at a later date.

sjnsjnsjn

Sorry to hear this.  Your mom sounds controlling and unable to recognize everything isn't about her.  I can relate.  Good luck.

Sessac81

I know exactly how you feel.  Unfortunately, I can't offer any advice.  I am going through the same thing with my mother

I-am-me

Not sure I can offer much help, but I can definitely sympathize as I'm going through a lot of the same stuff with my mom. The hardest part is that she really does think she's helping, when really she's just driving me nuts! Especially since, as you said with your mom, she doesn't exactly get angry about things, she gets hurt/disappointed/concerned, etc, so it's harder to deal with. I'd rather my mom just got mad, so I could argue with her, than act like she's just trying to make things perfect. Anyway, I'd say be as firm as you can that your decisions are final and don't commit to anything with her until you've had time to think about it for yourself and discuss with FI. Otherwise it's too easy to agree to stuff just to appease her and then regret it later.
BTW I didn't catch whether your parents are paying. For a lot of stuff, like what you wear, I don't think it matters, but from everything I've read on here "money comes with strings" so I would be cautious if she offers to pay for anything.
Good luck!

joiner521

Tell her that you appreciate her suggestions but this is your day, your dream. She is not going to be standing at the altar, taking pics. having first dance and cutting cake. Remind her she had her day years ago.