Moms and Maids

Asked to step down as bridesmaid three weeks before wedding.

I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in a wedding in about three weeks.  I was also supposed to be getting married two weeks after their wedding and my recently ex fiance and I were bothed supposed to be in the wedding.  The bride and groom were also supposed to be in our wedding.  Upon cancelling my wedding my ex fiance became very unpredictable and I was forced to take out a prtective order against him.  I let the couple know and told them that I was more than willing to come and be in their wedding just as planned but that my ex fiance just isn't allowed to talk to me.  But they understandable decided that the best thing was to just have neither one of us in the wedding.  The bride was to be one of my bridesmaids just as I was to be one of hers.  She has paid for half of her bridesmaid dress (about $65) and my mother offered to pay her back for it or she could pay the other half and keep the dress, her choice.  However, I have paid for my dress, my shoes and all of my accessories in full (about $230).  I can't return any of it and I was more than willing to go ahead and be in the wedding no matter what personal issues I had going on.  What is proper etiquette in this uniques situation?  If she did offer to pay me back I would probably decline however, I just feel like she should offer.  She didn't even tell me they were deciding to not have either one of in the wedding, the groom did.  Should she offer to pay me back?

Re: Asked to step down as bridesmaid three weeks before wedding.

  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011

    I can completely understand their decision in not having either of you be in the WP, having the both of you there would've violated the protection order anyway. And if he's a whackjob like you say, you probably ALL dodged a bullet.

    As far as her offering to pay you back, I'd give that a little more time to settle since it's so close to her wedding and probably has other things to think about right now. Are she and her FH still going to be in your wedding party? I do think a compromise should be determined considering the extreme circumstances.

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  • edited December 2011
    I'm not sure about the etiquette for this situation, but I wanted to tell you that you can try to re-sell the dress online. 

    Craigslist, e-bay, recycledbride.com, woreitonce.com and others are great places to try to get some of your money back. If you haven't worn the shoes and accessories yet, and they aren't something you would keep and wear, maybe you can re-sell them too, or give the accessories to someone as a gift. 
  • edited December 2011
    Ssaltzman: The way I understood it, OP is no longer getting married, so her friend can't be in her wedding.

    I am very very sorry you're going through this, so please don't take this as judgement of you. 

    Technically, if a wedding is cancelled the couple should be responsible for paying back the wedding party for at least the attire (so technically you should offer to pay for the other half of her dress, although I can't imagine her accepting it). Also, if you have to pull out of a wedding, you're responsible for the attire. (I know you didn't technically have to pull out of the wedding, but you effectively did because they can't be expected to want the cops to show up at their wedding and arrest your ex). 

    Basically, I think your ex should be responsible for that $230 because it is his fault you can't stand up in the wedding. Obviously that's not going to happen, it's going to be either you or your friends, but I don't see why you should hold them responsible for something he did, which is what expecting them to pay for the dress would be. 

  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I was a bridesmaid in a cancelled wedding a few years ago, and the bride immediately paid me back for my dress.
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asked-step-down-bridesmaid-three-weeks-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7756e6b8-91aa-4b4c-b815-3c5ce1e6f272Post:d8625c19-e18e-4c08-ad28-3b47ee22b1d6">Re: Asked to step down as bridesmaid three weeks before wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Ssaltzman: The way I understood it, OP is no longer getting married, so her friend can't be in her wedding.</strong> 
    Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]
    Ah didn't catch that ;-) That's what I get for skimming posts late at night!<div>
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If you have an injunction (protection order) you both could not be at the wedding. That would be violating the injunction. He could get arrested for even being around you, as that is the point of an injunction.

    I'm assuming you knew them because of your ex or that they were friends with both of you. Plus, there was domestic violence involved in your break up. I can completely understand the bride redoing her WP based on that. It is a tough situation for everyone involved.

    Edit: About her paying you...I'm not sure. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't even think about her paying me back. Why should she? But that is just my opinion. You both bought things for the other's wedding, so it is a wash.

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asked-step-down-bridesmaid-three-weeks-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7756e6b8-91aa-4b4c-b815-3c5ce1e6f272Post:298c0015-0e65-407e-a671-b90079de8f7f">Re: Asked to step down as bridesmaid three weeks before wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]About her paying you...I'm not sure. If I was in your shoes I wouldn't even think about her paying me back. Why should she? But that is just my opinion. You both bought things for the other's wedding, so it is a wash.
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

    I agree. Just call it even and keep your dress and let her keep hers (assuming she has paid for the agreed upon amount). And like a PP said, you can still sell your stuff online and get some money from it.
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  • edited December 2011
    I guess I'm going to sound a little more harsh.  It is not her fault that your lives got to this point.  She can't have you both in the wedding if there is a protective order.  Just telling him not to talk to you would, I'm sure, violate that order and quite frankly I don't know why you would even offer to take that chance, and I'm not surprised that she turned down the opportunity to have a possible police incident at her wedding.  If I were you, I would count it as a loss in the catagory of "the cost of bad things happen", wish her luck and love, and move on.
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  • edited December 2011
    Yeah I totally get what everyone is saying.  I guess it just kind of hurts when they said well actually we're not going to have either one of you there.  Especially considering I've been to two of her bridal showers and already had everything bought.  I feel like I put in the time, effort and money and now I won't get to enjoy the day.  And actually we both could go to the wedding. At least in the state of Indiana if the setting or event is a public place we can both be there he just can't approach me.  I'm not saying that's what I want to happen I'm just saying that if it was important enough to both of them for both of us to be there I would have gone ahead and gone through with it.  And as far as her paying me back even if she did offer I would decline, I was just curious as to what I should expect to happen if anything.  And to the people that were more on the harsh side, I didn't do anything wrong here either.  I'm not the bad guy here.  I don't want their special day to suffer because of the situation I'm in and I'm definately not going to hold it against them for making the decision they did I guess I was just a looking for a little more understanding.  It's not like this isn't hard enough for me as it is.
  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That really sucks. Here in MD one of my best friends had to get a peace order against her boyfriend, which sounds like it has the same guidelines as your order does. He couldn't show up at our house or anything, but they could be in the same public places together - and since they were both going to the same community college and had the same major, that was kind of necessary.

    I can understand their concerns, but I think it was really crappy of them to just kick you both out. Especially since the bride, who is presumambly a good friend of yours, didn't even have the balls to do it herself and sent FI to do her dirty work. You had already let them know that you were ok with him being there, it's not like you were making a scene or anything... is there any possibility that they think he might make a scene?

    I'm assuming you're both still guests which makes the situation even more weird. Unles your ex has done/said something that they think might make him cause a scene if you both or just you are up there. That's about the only thing I can think of that might make it ok... except that in that situation he should just be told that he's no longer welcome at the wedding, period.

    Either way, you've handled this in the most adult/mature way possible, even with what has to be a lot of stress. I hope that the bride will offer to help pay you back for some of what you've spent, but to be honest I wouldn't expect it. From the little that you've said here, it doesn't seem like your feelings or etiquette are her priorities.
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  • ktland013ktland013 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am sorry about your situation; I know how hard that must be. I think you have a right to be upset because obviously you have put time, money, etc. into her wedding. You have to think of it in the perspective of her (the bride) and the wedding guests that will be attending that day:

    Even if your ex fiance becomes matures enough not to cause a scene at an event that is totally unrelated to him (which is doubtful-hence the injunction), still anyone that knows you or him, which I am guessing will be a good bit of people considering you two were close enough to the bride and groom that they would be in your wedding, anyway- anyone that knows him or you will be focusing on what you two are going to be doing instead of what should be the focal point of the day- your friend and her husband. It isn't being mean or anything, it is just her realizing the reality of it all.

    She gets one day for it to be all about her. I am not saying you would have any intention for it to turn into something else, but we all know how the general population thrives on drama, and it is a possibility that it may turn into that.

    This sounds gay and is a little off subject, but my FI and I keep seeing Charles Barkley at bars when we go out. He thought it would be funny to ask him to be in our wedding (which he never would actually end up doing) but I started thinking and I was like- well Im sorry but even if you actually asked him and he said yes (which he wouldnt), I probably wouldnt like that situation because then the focus would be on freaking Charles Barkley and not ME and YOU on OUR wedding day! I never need attention but I think this is one day where every bride should demand it.

    I just think the situation sucks all around. It isnt anyone's fault in particular, but it DEFINITELY isnt your friends' fault, so in an attempt to avoid drama, I would just leave it at that. This probably isnt what you want to hear but as for the stuff she bought for your wedding, I would reimburse her. As for the stuff you bought for hers, I would not expect reimbursement. Again, it isnt HER fault that you and your fiance had some misunderstandings and ended up calling off your wedding which resulted in an injunction that makes it to where you two cannot speak to each other. I am sure she is just as stressed about all of it (esp your feelings) but has to do what is best for her, her fiance, and her day. I wish you the best of luck!
  • lanejanelanejane member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_asked-step-down-bridesmaid-three-weeks-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7756e6b8-91aa-4b4c-b815-3c5ce1e6f272Post:32ef03f7-fc55-4a19-a0be-925cf466e8a4">Re: Asked to step down as bridesmaid three weeks before wedding.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah I totally get what everyone is saying.  I guess it just kind of hurts when they said well actually we're not going to have either one of you there.  Especially considering I've been to two of her bridal showers and already had everything bought.  I feel like I put in the time, effort and money and now I won't get to enjoy the day.  And actually we both could go to the wedding. At least in the state of Indiana if the setting or event is a public place we can both be there he just can't approach me.  I'm not saying that's what I want to happen I'm just saying that if it was important enough to both of them for both of us to be there I would have gone ahead and gone through with it.  And as far as her paying me back even if she did offer I would decline, I was just curious as to what I should expect to happen if anything.  And to the people that were more on the harsh side, I didn't do anything wrong here either.  I'm not the bad guy here.  I don't want their special day to suffer because of the situation I'm in and I'm definately not going to hold it against them for making the decision they did I guess I was just a looking for a little more understanding.  It's not like this isn't hard enough for me as it is.
    Posted by ashdadash[/QUOTE]

    First, let me say I'm sorry for your situation. However, why the fallout sucks, that's the way it has to be. In the OP you said your ex had gotten unpredictable. How do you know he wouldn't see you at the wedding and totally flip out, ruining your friends wedding? Since it sounds like the couple was friends with both of you, it isn't fair for them to have to choose. Good luck
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with what most others have said. I think that, as much as it hurt, it probably was the best move for your friends to dismiss the both of you from the wedding party. Given what you've said about needing to take an injuction out on ex FI, I can imagine them not wanting a possibly violent scene erupting at the wedding, or best case scenario, they and probably a good chunk of her guests would still probably be on edge the whole night wondering if your ex was going to lose his self control.

    Just try to remember that it is your ex, not your friend, who put you in this situation. As sister2groom stated, it's really him who should be paying you back, but unfortunately that's not likely to happen. It really terrible that his actions are even affecting your ability to socialize and engage in important events of your friends' lives. There is not much anyone can do to make this hurt any less, and I wish there was. I think the best thing for you to do at this point in time would be to visit some other friends or go on a vacation, just something, the night of their wedding (assuming you're not going as a guest), so that you're out having fun and not stuck at home dwelling on the fact that you couldn't be in the wedding party. Or, depending on if the the would-have-been bridesmaid dress is not terribly hideous, take it for a spin with a night on the town with some girlfriends and try to make the best of it.
  • shoebieshoebie member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    No she should not have to pay you back.... You cant have your cake and eat it to you put a order against him to stay away and not talk to you but want to go to a wedding where he will be 5 feet from you that would bring all sorts of rama to this girls big day i would have asked you both to step down as well. Sell the stuff on ebay or use it for other ocassions 
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