Moms and Maids

MOH ZILLA!!! What do I do??

I made the mistake of choosing my older sister to be my MOH. She isn't married and lives on the other side of the state. Instead of helping me with my wedding planning, she calls me to help HER with the bachelorette party/shower planning and tells me that she thinks it's ridiculous that I'm not paying for either of them. She had no idea what she was signing up for and I've tried to gently educate her, but she is wearing on my last nerve. She's convinced that the bridal shower should be the week before the wedding and gets mad when I say that it should be a month or two before. I want to ask her to step down, but she would not be gracious about it and it would cause a huge stink in my incredibly traditional Korean family. What should I do?

Re: MOH ZILLA!!! What do I do??

  • edited December 2011
    I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing for your family or not, but generally speaking, the MOH is not required to help you plan your wedding or throw you a shower. Her job is to show up in the dress you chose, smile for the camera, and give a toast.  I'm also not entirely sure what her not being married has to do w/ anything - my little sister is my MOH, lives on the opposite side of the state, and has been nothing but helpful (but her helpfulness is something I appreciate, not require)

    It is rude of her to ask you to pay for the shower and bachelorette party. Just so you know, it is in your right to decline these parties. If she is planning to throw you a shower a week before the wedding, I think I would just inform her that you would just prefer her not to throw you a shower at all, espcially if she is not financially comfortable with it. If your heart is really set on having a shower and a bachelorette party, maybe passing the word on to your family/friends that your sister won't be able to throw you one might mean someone else will (but they aren't required to either).
  • ckonidakckonidak member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Decline a shower or other parties if it's causing too much friction. Also, MOH doesn't need to be the one throwing these parties together, as long as you aren't planning it and throwing it yourself, your parents or family can throw one for you some other time.

    Parties are nice, but keep in mind that it'd be extremely rude for you to hold it against her if she doesn't want to throw you a shower. And I'd strongly advise against kicking her out just because she's not excited for (or helping you plan) your own wedding.  All she has to do is get the dress, show up to the wedding, and smile for pictures; the rest, while appreciated, is not required.
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  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-zilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:77dc4eb9-0a5b-4aa2-8e7f-38e3c01a5f64Post:a341d033-44c2-4641-908a-b22649b49186">MOH ZILLA!!! What do I do??</a>:
    [QUOTE]I made the mistake of choosing my older sister to be my MOH. She isn't married and lives on the other side of the state. Instead of helping me with my wedding planning, she calls me to help HER with the bachelorette party/shower planning and tells me that she thinks it's ridiculous that I'm not paying for either of them. She had no idea what she was signing up for and I've tried to gently educate her, but she is wearing on my last nerve. She's convinced that the bridal shower should be the week before the wedding and gets mad when I say that it should be a month or two before. I want to ask her to step down, but she would not be gracious about it and it would cause a huge stink in my incredibly traditional Korean family. What should I do?
    Posted by JLRay6808[/QUOTE]

    Are you asking whether or not you should demote your MOH?  Maid of honor =/= shower thrower.  Anyone can throw you a shower, and just because she doesn't, doesn't mean she doesn't get to be your MOH.  Lots of brides don't get a shower at all.  Why?  Because you are correct in that you don't pay for it.  Since this is the case, you don't get to decide whether or not someone throws a party for you.  You also don't get a say in any details such as when it is to be held.

    ETA: you can decline a shower though as pp's have stated
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  • JLRay6808JLRay6808 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not overly worried about the showers and am more concerned about the other things she has been doing. I didn't explain the situation very well and ended up talking mostly about the bachelorette party/shower situation because it's what we (myself and my MOH) had been speaking about most recently. I realize that other people can throw the shower and that it isn't her job to do so, but typically when you agree to do something you do it instead of coming back to the bride and yelling at her when you are unable to. She just approaches the whole thing like it's HER wedding and not mine. For example, if she gives a suggestion and I tell her I want to go a different direction she gets extemely rude and tells me that my wedding will be dumpy or whatever because I don't want to do things the way she does. It's just frustrating to not actually have support from my MOH who, as I understood it, was supposed to at least listen when you say "Back off".
  • edited December 2011
    Ergh, that sucks that she's not being supportive of your own ideas for your wedding. If you've already told her to back off and she won't I don't think there's too much you can do, unfortunately, and by my standards demoting her won't be helpful option. Either way, she's still your sister, so she'll still hear about your plans, and regardless of whether she has a title or not will probably share her unhelpful comments. You can try (if you haven't already), the flat out blunt approach of "you know, it's incredibly hurtful when you tell me my wedding is going to be dumpy, I love what I've decided on, and I'd rather you just keep your comments to yourself if you're going to be such a negative jerk." I wouldn't normally recommend saying that to a BM, but maybe she needs a swift kick in the tush.

    All else fails, I just wouldn't talk to her about the wedding. If she brings up wedding planning ideas and whatnot, I would just say "I really don't want to talk about the wedding right now," or "we've already got it (flowers, cake, whatever)  figured out, and we don't really want to revisit different ideas, it's too much of a headache" and stick to your guns. I would also tell her that if she wants to throw a shower, that's her business, but you are NOT paying for it, and you're fine if that means no shower/whatever.

    Good luck, and don't let her sour puss attitude and lack of enthusiasum bring you down!
  • jagore08jagore08 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You want to hurt your sisters feelings by telling her she can no longer be your MOH because she's not planning your parties the way you would like them and not helping you plan your wedding?  Yeah.  This is not a good idea.  

    You're right, you shouldn't be paying for your bach party or your shower but your sister doesn't have to throw them for you either.  Did you tell her she doesn't need to throw those?  Anyone can, it doesn't have to be her.  

    Planning your wedding should be yours and your FIs responsibility.  If you don't think you can handle it then hire a wedding planner. 

    ETA: And if you're having a problem with her because she doesn't like your ideas for your wedding then just stop sharing with her.  I'm sure she's been like this her whole life so why would she change now?
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs.  No kicking her out...it's not going to reflect well on you.  Besides, surely, since it's your sister, you must have had some idea of how she could be prior to making her MOH, no?  In general, it's not like the people in your life magically become nicer once you have an e-ring.

    Stop sharing wedding plans with her beyond the BM dress and when and where to show up for the wedding.  The less you share, the less she has to criticize.

    You should not have to pay for your bachelorette, so if she is trying to get you to pay for it, just decline the party.  Same with the shower.
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