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kelseyann727

Sorry needed to delete.

SSaltzman87

I'd let the situation cool off for a little bit, then go back to them and ask what they want in a venue. They're shelling out $$, they do get a say. Maybe there's something that you, FI and your parents will all like.

filaw

Wow red flag.  Sounds like you have a serious basic disagreement about what this wedding is about.  Your mom considers it *her* event to the point where she's made it clear she thinks she can completely disregard your wishes.  Trouble!

As someone who struggled with parents who were paying and an unclear understanding about when it was their wedding and when it was DH and mine, I'd say take this opportunity to step back and seriously consider a wedding that you can afford yourselves.  This is just going to be the first battle, many of which may turn much uglier, and could in fact have a long term effect on your relationship with your mother.  Because if your going to spend the next 2 years battling her on every little decision about who's input is going to be considered, that's has the potential to build up a lot of frustration and bitterness.

midgemoto

Or you can just keep looking until you find a venue you both like.   

if you are lucky your Mom will respond to your less than thrilled reaction to her choice and reconsider... 

Just dont get all twisted around just yet... let dust settle and be cool about it all... these things do have a way of working out ... 

some days she will be less concerned and you will feel stressed... but the right day and place will tun up if you let the universe relax and get you there together...

ootmother2

I know very well what venues in Boston cost these days so I do understand you wanting to book it now.

I'm MOB and we all went together to look at venues on Cape Cod.  Fortunately we all fell in love with Willowbend CC and that's where the reception was.

As a paying for everything parent, I only took a stand on two things that reflected on me & FOB.  1) Traditional iinvitations and 2) no DJ, they had to have a band.  We didn'think that was too much to ask for and neither did they.

Bring it up again when your mom calms down a bit.

chocoholic4life

If the cost is being split, split the pieces of the wedding too.  Let FI's parents be "in charge" of picking out the venue since they will respect your wishes.  Give your mom things that are a little less important to you, but make sure she is in agreement with what she is and is not paying for.  You will have to compromise on some things, but this will hopefully prevent future battles over every single thing.

ChanelShades

That is the worst part about other's paying. I am so sorry you have to sacrifice your happiness for other's. You will find yourself caving into a lot of other people's wishes because they are putting up the bucks. 

orangecrush32

Wow. I can't believe your mother considers your wedding her event. Honestly, if my mom told me that she got to pick the venues for my wedding and anything else for the wedding, I'd tell her where to shove her money. It's wonderful that your parents are paying, but that doesn't mean they get to pick everything. Sure, there input is important and they definitely get to say yay or nay based on prices, but if price isn't an issue then I think that they shouldn't have a say. But that's coming from someone who wouldn't think twice about straight up telling my mother she was in the wrong.

My advice, have a conversation about whose wedding it is. And maybe keep looking at venues for one you both.

junebug62511

Nicely said orangecrush.

vixey

It really is unfortunate that your mother feels like this is her event.  Did she not get to have her "dream wedding?"  That could be a lot of it.  There is definitely the potential for a lot of conflict, especially with a long engagement.  From the sounds of it, she will be adding a lot of her friends to the guest list and axing yours.  Idk, I would suggest if possible to have a wedding that you and FI can pay for.

marissa_claire

Frankly, if my mother would have called it her "event" I would have definitely eloped. If showing off is more important than her little girl, I think it's just selfish and silly for a grown woman to behave that way.  I would either 1) figure out a way to pay for it myself and have the wedding I want or 2) elope altogether.  I wouldn't bother with the power games in your scenario, and that's definitely what your mother's issue seems to be.

wegsmom

All I have to say is that I agree with a lot of the previous comments, but have one more thing to add.  Don't expect your mother to change over the next 18 months.

Wishing you the best of luck!

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-making-seriously-consider-elopinghelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78a4d8c3-bca9-4312-9b61-71035adda2c8Post:78e4afa0-40e3-444c-ab8c-7b026b012574">Re: My family is making me seriously consider eloping!!....HELP! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I know very well what venues in Boston cost these days so I do understand you wanting to book it now. I'm MOB and we all went together to look at venues on Cape Cod.  Fortunately we all fell in love with Willowbend CC and that's where the reception was. As a paying for everything parent, I only took a stand on two things that reflected on me & FOB.  1) Traditional iinvitations and 2) no DJ, they had to have a band.  We didn'think that was too much to ask for and neither did they. Bring it up again when your mom calms down a bit.
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

I get you one the invitations, but the band?  How does that reflect on the two of you?  I'm not saying a band is a bad choice or anything other than the limited music they know how to play, but I'm just confused as to your reasoning.

If your daughter would have absolutely HATED the idea of a band and wanted a DJ with all her heart, you really wouldn't have budged?  It's great that you both agreed on it in the end anyways, but I guess I just don't like the centiment of you not willing to make a compromise for THEIR wedding.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-making-seriously-consider-elopinghelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:78a4d8c3-bca9-4312-9b61-71035adda2c8Post:d39bda3e-3d88-4bd2-8748-d0b1e1837a50">Re: My family is making me seriously consider eloping!!....HELP! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My family is making me seriously consider eloping!!....HELP! (long) : I get you one the invitations, but the band?  How does that reflect on the two of you?  I'm not saying a band is a bad choice or anything other than the limited music they know how to play, but I'm just confused as to your reasoning. If your daughter would have absolutely HATED the idea of a band and wanted a DJ with all her heart, you really wouldn't have budged?  It's great that you both agreed on it in the end anyways, but I guess I just don't like the centiment of you not willing to make a compromise for THEIR wedding.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]


Yes, we would have paid for a DJ if they really wanted it.  It was a pretty formal event so that's why we asked for a band.  The band provided a DJ during their breaks.

Our SENTIMENT was willing to give them the wedding they wanted and we did.

radcmr

You should tell your Mom that you're thinking of eloping instead of having a wedding and I bet she'll change her tune pretty quickly. Maybe she will realize that getting to witness daughter get married is much more important than where it happened.

Muffin'sMom

Yes, money does equal strings.  That being said, you have to decide what battles you want to fight, and what it will cost you to do so.

Sit down with her and your FI.  Have all the info on all the places.  Make a spreadsheet if it would help.  Be prepared.  If she says, "it is my event....", that is when you say something like the following:
 
"We love you both so much and are so grateful for your willingness to contribute to our wedding.  That being said, we feel strongly that our opinions need to matter at our wedding.  We don't want to damage our relationship with you, so if this will be a problem, we will need to decline your offer to help financially, and plan a day that is meaningful to us on a budget that we can afford."

Then be prepared to go it alone from there.  If you do not, you may be looking at 18 months of arguments, resentments and hurt feelings, culminating in a day that makes NO one happy.

Manwaithiel

Yeah, if she's pulling the "I'm paying" card already, then elope or have the wedding you can afford. The two times my mother pulled that card, I called her bluff. She backed down immediately and everyone's still happy.

kayakrunhike

Well, you have a couple choices.  Do what the PPs said, let her cool down, and try to approach the subject again.  Try and discuss the whole thing like adults.  Yes, she is paying for it, but it is still your wedding, and you deserve a say in what you want.  What are the reasons for your parents liking one place more than the other, since they are in the same price range?

On the other hand, you can just tell her to keep her money and strings, and pay for it yourselves.  My DH and I paid for about 90% of ours, with a little help from parents.  It also took us two years to save up the money.  Since your date is inflexible, think about taking the extra time to save for the wedding and venue you want, rather than what your parents want.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_family-making-seriously-consider-elopinghelp-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:78a4d8c3-bca9-4312-9b61-71035adda2c8Post:9b5afdd9-5493-4131-804a-884d081dbbdb">Re: My family is making me seriously consider eloping!!....HELP! (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My family is making me seriously consider eloping!!....HELP! (long) : Yes, we would have paid for a DJ if they really wanted it.  It was a pretty formal event so that's why we asked for a band.  The band provided a DJ during their breaks. Our SENTIMENT was willing to give them the wedding they wanted and we did.
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

That's good.  Hopefully OP's mother will come to share the same sentiment.

OP- I would suggest that you sit down and have a talk with your mother about how's she's treating YOUR wedding (just because she is paying, doesn't mean it's HER event).  If she is still unwilling to cooperate, I would turn down her money and either have a local wedding you can afford or elope.  You aren't going to enjoy yourself on what should be one of the happiest days of your lives if it's nothing that you wanted.  I would rather have a destination wedding on my own terms than have a big wedding on my mom's.