Nightmare FMIL!!!

bryantkm

Sorry this is long...

My FI and I live in Colorado. I'm attending college out here, and he's stationed here for the military. His mother, step-father, and little brother also live in CO (about 10 minutes from him). I met them all within a week of dating him, and so have continued to spend time at their house and do activities with them as a family over the course of our dating. FI and I also attend church with them every week, and they've always had a wonderful reaction to me, very kind and approving-- very glad that he found a "good Christian girl".

Well, we (FI, his mother, little brother and I) flew to Illinois to meet his family (both Mom's and Dad's side lives there). I got along great with his family, but his mother FLIPPED OUT! We were talking one on one when she suddenly burst out to me a bunch of hateful, judgemental, cruel things. Included were: she didn't want me to marry her son, I had no morals or conscience, I was leading her Man-of-God son away from God, he was a light for Christ before he met me but now I've changed him, that I was banned from her house, etc. 

I was shocked and confused, but calmly said that that was her perspective, I suppose, but what made her feel that way? She told me that (not overexaggerating) if I didn't agree with her, then I should shut my mouth and submit and just tell her outwardly that I agree with her anyways, because she doesn't want to hear my opinion if it's different from hers. I respectfully told her that I believed that it was disrespectful for me to lie to her, and instead I wanted to be honest when I disagreed about something. She stormed out and said she couldn't talk to me anymore.

I guess she called her husband, because the next morning, FI's stepfather called him and told him that I was not a good woman, that I would only lead him to misery, that I wasn't really a Christian, that we would just get divorced in a few years and he'd say I told you so, that they would never support us, that we're young and dumb, and that FI's really gotten himself into a situation, so he (FI's stepfather) hopes that FI makes the right decision before he actually marries me.

I was so upset and angry when I heard all of this! They're being slanderous and FI and I have no idea where this has all come from! They were just worshipping side by side next to us and buying me Christmas presents a couple weeks ago, but they seem to have gone off the deep-end! Has anyone else experienced an in-law melt down when the wedding is approaching? The rest of the family loved me, but those two just went nuts! 

FI loves his mother, but he's trying to cut ties with her. I don't want to cut her completely out, or her husband-- I think it's important to maintain family ties. But I don't want her trying to control us and dip her hands in our lives on a daily basis either (she has flippantly commented to me about very personal situations that FI and I have faced-- we're still not sure how she caught wind of them). I'm just lost at this point. I want to be a peacemaker and show my FMIL Christ's forgiving love (Matthew 5:43-48), but she's causing serious strain in FI and I's lives.

Please help!! I posted this on the Christian forum as well, but I felt that my situation was definitely relevant to this board, so...HELP!!! My faith is the center of my life, so it's very important that I react the right way to her, and not be spiteful or resentful. But I don't know if I can deal with her on a daily basis anymore!

redheadtmk

The only semi logical things I can think of that may have happened are:

1. you said something she misconstrued.
2. you said something to another family member that they misconstrued and told her. or they just didnt explain something right and she misconstrued second hand words.
3. she may have been worried about FI's behavior in some way and something you said triggered her to believe it was your fault.

I know none of that really helps. I would have FI talk to her and find out exactly why she flipped out. And let her know that she can not speak to you disrespectfully. (ie. just agree with her and shut your mouth) Maybe offer to meet for pre marital counseling with her pastor for a session or at least for counseling in genral about this situation and her fears? Having her pastor who i assume she trusts and respects, meet with you guys and allay her fears might help. good luck

MairePoppy

This is strange. I have no clue. It sounds like she must have heard something about you that doesn't fit with her previous perception of you.

Since everyone involved belongs to the same religious community, you should go to your pastor for help.
Good luck.

AutumnFair

Ditto to redhead. Most normal people don't just flip out without reason so either something you said got misinterpreted, someone told her something that was misinterpreted or possibly she has realized that her son his becoming a man taking the next step in his life and she doesn't like the change.

Yes, if she is a church lady then maybe some pre martial counseling with the pastor would be something to help workout the negative views she has on you. But ultimately you should be proud of your FI for standing up for you to his mother. If she doesn't want to listen to reason your FI has every right to cut her out because it is her that is the problem not you.

Good luck to you.

Simply Fated

I can't help but to wonder if something triggered her outburst... and if something did trigger it, what?
 I agree to try having your fiance talk to her about what caused her outburst. And he needs to explain that he won't tolerate her talking about you that way.
I just have a feeling that you didn't do anything horrible to deserve her outburst and you shouldn't be talked to that way. good luck!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nightmare-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7aea2a97-e38f-402a-9ade-188271e6533aPost:7cd3a93a-8524-45f5-968f-a5fae15d3965">Nightmare FMIL!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry this is long... My FI and I live in Colorado. I'm attending college out here, and he's stationed here for the military. His mother, step-father, and little brother also live in CO (about 10 minutes from him). I met them all within a week of dating him, and so have continued to spend time at their house and do activities with them as a family over the course of our dating. FI and I also attend church with them every week, and they've always had a wonderful reaction to me, very kind and approving-- very glad that he found a "good Christian girl". Well, we (FI, his mother, little brother and I) flew to Illinois to meet his family (both Mom's and Dad's side lives there). I got along great with his family, but his mother FLIPPED OUT! We were talking one on one when she suddenly burst out to me a bunch of hateful, judgemental, cruel things. Included were: she didn't want me to marry her son, I had no morals or conscience, I was leading her Man-of-God son away from God, he was a light for Christ before he met me but now I've changed him, that I was banned from her house, etc.  I was shocked and confused, but calmly said that that was her perspective, I suppose, but what made her feel that way? She told me that (not overexaggerating) if I didn't agree with her, then I should shut my mouth and submit and just tell her outwardly that I agree with her anyways, because she doesn't want to hear my opinion if it's different from hers. I respectfully told her that I believed that it was disrespectful for me to lie to her, and instead I wanted to be honest when I disagreed about something. She stormed out and said she couldn't talk to me anymore. I guess she called her husband, because the next morning, FI's stepfather called him and told him that I was not a good woman, that I would only lead him to misery, that I wasn't really a Christian, that we would just get divorced in a few years and he'd say I told you so, that they would never support us, that we're young and dumb, and that FI's really gotten himself into a situation, so he (FI's stepfather) hopes that FI makes the right decision before he actually marries me. I was so upset and angry when I heard all of this! They're being slanderous and FI and I have no idea where this has all come from! They were just worshipping side by side next to us and buying me Christmas presents a couple weeks ago, but they seem to have gone off the deep-end! Has anyone else experienced an in-law melt down when the wedding is approaching? The rest of the family loved me, but those two just went nuts! <strong> FI loves his mother, but he's trying to cut ties with her. I don't want to cut her completely out, or her husband-- I think it's important to maintain family ties.</strong> But I don't want her trying to control us and dip her hands in our lives on a daily basis either (she has flippantly commented to me about very personal situations that FI and I have faced-- we're still not sure how she caught wind of them). I'm just lost at this point. I want to be a peacemaker and show my FMIL Christ's forgiving love (Matthew 5:43-48), but <strong>she's causing serious strain in FI and I's lives</strong>. Please help!! I posted this on the Christian forum as well, but I felt that my situation was definitely relevant to this board, so...HELP!!! My faith is the center of my life, so it's very important that I react the right way to her, and not be spiteful or resentful. But I don't know if I can deal with her on a daily basis anymore!
Posted by bryantkm[/QUOTE]

That's not your decision to make. If your FI wants to cut ties, you support that decision. And seriously, blood doesn't give people the right to treat you like garbage and it doesn't mean you have no choice but to do your best doormat impersonation, which is what you're asking your FI to do. It's his family and his call.
 
If you continue to insist that he include these people in your lives after he's made it clear that he doesn't want to, it's not a FMIL problem, it's a you problem.

LoveMuffins

Ditto to what zitiqueen said... and high five to your FI for realizing that this isn't about you and that it's about his mom and trying to do the right thing. I can understand letting him know that you're supportive if he wants to try to continue to keep her in his life, but you should be just as supportive about him cutting her out.

I have no idea what to say about her... that's so wildly out of the realm of any experience I or any of my friends have dealt with. But I think that by supporting whatever you FI decides in regards to his family will have the effect that you two will be very happy together for a very long time, and tht they will hopefully eventually come around.

Muffin'sMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_nightmare-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7aea2a97-e38f-402a-9ade-188271e6533aPost:b842daf8-be24-4215-9c87-fec55bad7078">Re: Nightmare FMIL!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]The only semi logical things I can think of that may have happened are: 1. you said something she misconstrued. 2. you said something to another family member that they misconstrued and told her. or they just didnt explain something right and she misconstrued second hand words. 3. she may have been worried about FI's behavior in some way and something you said triggered her to believe it was your fault. I know none of that really helps. I would have FI talk to her and find out exactly why she flipped out. And let her know that she can not speak to you disrespectfully. (ie. just agree with her and shut your mouth) Maybe offer to meet for pre marital counseling with her pastor for a session or at least for counseling in genral about this situation and her fears? Having her pastor who i assume she trusts and respects, meet with you guys and allay her fears might help. good luck
Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

This...absolutely!  And a big hug for your FI for standing with you.  No one deserves to be attacked without knowing the cause and being given the opportunity to participate in a civil dialogue.  I know how that feels...like being T-boned by a loaded semi. 

Because you will be related to these people for a LONG time, it is the generous thing to do.  That being said, she needs to meet you half way or your FI has the right idea...as sad as that is.

jcamm11

Didn't you or FI ask his Mom and stepdad WHY they were saying what they were saying?  You said immediately after her outburst, you just told her you didn't agree with her, but you didn't ask her why she felt that way.  Why not?  Then in the part of the story where FI's stepdad calls and says what he had to say, you only mention how hurt that made you feel.  Didn't FI ask him why???

I feel like there's more to this story..

graysquirrel

I don't understand something. If I read your post correctly, you, your FI, and his family are all Christians. Where are they getting the idea that you are leading their son away? Did they give any reason to you or your FI as to why they think you are wrong for him? They must have heard something wacky or are really quite crazy. I would definitely try to get to the bottom of it-- have FI ask some questions if you are uncomfortable. Show them what kind of person you are and how much you love your FI. I agree with pps that getting visible pre-marital might help. Something just isn't adding up. 

joiner521

She sounds like a control fresk and is used to calling the shots. Her way of living  and you and your FI way of living are different. When you marry, the parents have to cut the damn cord. Keep doing you and live your life.

bryantkm

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice! FI spent the day with her yesterday, trying to talk to her and find out what her motivations and thoughts were so that we could understand and deal with them. Then FI and I sat down and talked about everything for an hour or so today.
I hadn't really told him how deeply upset I was by the situation because I didn't want to further cause a rift between him and his mother, but I ended up having to. At first, he seemed to really not know that I was really hurt by her and his stepfather's words, and FI tried to tell me to just apologize to her so that we can all move on. I was polite, but I firmly stood my ground with him, saying that I had nothing to apologize for. That I had done everything I could to make her happy-- biting my tongue 90% of the time when I disagreed, complimenting and wearing an atrocious necklace that she bought me because I wanted to show her I was grateful for the thought, spending less one-on-one time with FI and more time with the family so that they could spend time with him too, etc.
FI relented and agreed, saying that he just wanted them to change and be less controlling and judgmental. We've now gotten them to agree to have all four of us (FI, me, FMIL, FI's stepfather) sit down with a Pastor from our church and define some boundaries for each other.
As for what triggered it, when we were all back in IL, FI and I hadn't seen each other in a few weeks (I had been out east visiting family, so we flew from different airports and met in IL), and we had been spending all of our time with his mother, so we decided that we wanted to spend New Years Eve out with his brother and his wife. FMIL was furious about this, apparently telling FI yesterday that she only has so many holidays with him left, so it's selfish of me to steal him away from his family (apparently she ignored the fact that we were with his brother, who is family).
We signed up for premarital counseling at our church back in November, but the marital counselor suggested that we wait until after the holidays to start the sessions, so we're starting them this Saturday.
As for the issue of cutting ties, he's saying it right now because he's upset and angry at them in the moment. I know him well enough that if we sever ties with them, about 6 or 8 months down the road, he's going to feel extremely guilty and hate himself for doing it. He loves his mother dearly, he just wants to her back off a little and respect him as an adult. And he goes back and forth between "I just want to end my relationship with her" and "I want to help her see what she's doing so that she doesn't drive me away"-- that's why I'm trying to encourage him not to make a rash decision. If, when we've all calmed down a bit, he still wants to sever ties, I will fully support him in that.
And thank you for the praise for FI standing up for our relationship-- he's a wonderful man, and I'm beyond grateful that he is willing to defend us and stand firm against the opposition-- even when it's his own mother. I've thanked him profusely for standing strong and for being loving enough to not allow them to speak that way to or about me.
As for asking why, I certainly did. I'm sorry that I didn't include that-- I can see how my quick typing made us sound a bit closed-minded towards them. The problem is that his mother and step-father are lecturing types. So when they were yelling at FI or me, we would often reply with something like "Okay, I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. Is there something that I've done that has caused that? This is what I meant to say..." But instead of a dialogue, they haven't responded to us, and instead continued in their original train of thought. It's very frustrating, because it causes the conversations to go around in circles instead of progressing through issues.
When I was back in IL and the whole thing happened where FMIL blew up on me, the family all told me not to worry about it, that it wasn't me, and that was just how she was. That that was why her two older sons don't speak to her more than a handful of times per year, and don't visit her or spend holidays with her. I'm just dismayed at the situation, and I wish very badly that I could help fix it-- unfortunately, I'm just having to come to a realization that I very well might not be able to.

Davesgrl2011

Wow, this is a nightmare and I really feel for you!  I thought I was having trouble with my mom who won't let go!
But.... this is the time to more than set boundaries.  After you are married, you and your husband will be a unit unto yourselves.  If you don't draw the line in the sand now, you will live to regret it.  I have a anecdote to go with my advice:
My friend got married five years ago and is now divorced.  This is why:  her mother-in-law refused to acknowledge that her "little boy" was all grown up and living his life.  She insisted on having a key to their house, and when my friend would come home she would see that her MIL had rearranged the kitchen, opened their mail, refolded her husbands laundry and other heinous acts of interference.  Her MIL refused to understand boundaries, and not only would let herself into the house all the time, but would walk right into their bedroom even when the door was closed.  When she caught them in the act, instead of being embarrassed, she said that it was "against scripture to be having intercourse during the day".  She insisted that they come to church every Sunday.  If thwarted in any way, she would pout for weeks until they admitted they were wrong.  And my friends now ex-husband didn't see anything wrong with this.  They tried marital counseling, and the MIL tried to join in the sessions, and actually called their therapist to pump her for info.  I am talking nightmare situation here!  Please please please draw that line and refuse to budge, and thank goodness your husband is concerned and wants to draw the line too!  You don't want to realize to late that your MIL wants to be involved in every little detail of your married life!  In the end, it is about your and your husband!   

perkins81

I know this is an older post, but I ran across it. Wow!!! What kind of a Christian is this lady?!! Even if what she said about you were true (which I doubt from what you've said), she has no right to just condemn you all of a sudden without evening explaining. I'm a Christian too, and although my boyfriend and I have butted heads occasionally with his mom about certain moral issues (we're more conservative than she is in some areas), she has never ever treated me like that. If we disagree, we calmly and maturely discuss our differences and then agree to disagree. Wow. Hope things get better for you. I would ask her for a list - in writing - of the specific accusations she has against you. Sounds like there's something she's hiding from you.