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MOMZILLA

HELP!

My mom is trying to take over my wedding plans...she was pestering me for 2 weeks to go see my reception and ceremony site(they are together) so I finally caved and took her with me when I was making the deposit(and of course she HAD to bring my siblings(sister is MOH and brothers are usher)  and we get there and she asks the lady if we can put things on the ceiling and I SAY NO AND EVEN IF WE COULD WE ARENT.  And the lady is like well we have some clips and so my mom CONTINUES and I tell her NO yet again and she's like well she's just giving me ideas.  Then after the lady showed her she comes back over and tells me that I wont see it anyway because its supposed to be a suprise for the bride on the night of the reception(has anyone heard of this?) and I say no and then my sister pipes in that yes it is going ot be a suprise and I wont see it.  Ill tell them what I want but they may do other suprises when I leave...(my sis is only 16)  GRRR, FINE WHATEVER I am so not going ot argue in fron the of the owner.  So we leave.  Then that night my sister tells me again that I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE FROM DECORATING EARLY AND ITS A SURPISE...I say no and then she said that all my mom wanted to do was HAVE BALLOONS FALL ON US WHEN WE WALKED IN.

MY MOM IS TRYING OT MAKE MY WEDDING HER WEDDING.  By making a balloon arch, and balloons falling down on me....THATS WHAT SHE HAD...and my parents got divorced in Jan...and she regrets it(for other reasons)  EVEN IF I THOUGHT THE BALLOONS WERENT TACKY I DONT WANT ANYTHIGN FROM THEIR WEDDING.....and I have told her this...and then she says she justs wants to be part of the biggest day of my life and im shoving her out and says she is going to make money on me and turn me into BRIDEZILLAS...

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME....
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Re: MOMZILLA

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    KatshiaKatshia member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Chill for a day, then retype this-minus caps. Thanks >.>
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    edited December 2011
    Caps make me feel like your yelling at me.

    Whose paying for the venue? If you and your FI are then just tell her that you don't need her help. But if she is giving you any money, then remember that money=strings.
    September 2011 November Siggy Challenge: First Dance Photo (I still haven't uploaded all of my wedding pictures, so here's a picture of what happens when you mix me, my bridesmaids, a man who hates to dance, and an open bar). imageimage

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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    <div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7bfad2d3-2765-45ee-bec1-2b77261ca531Post:ff478248-6302-4f0a-9535-a76cd1a74110">MOMZILLA</a>:
    [QUOTE]HELP! My mom is trying to take over my wedding plans...she was pestering me for 2 weeks to go see my reception and ceremony site(they are together) so I finally caved and took her with me when I was making the deposit(and of course she HAD to bring my siblings(sister is MOH and brothers are usher)  and we get there and she asks the lady if we can put things on the ceiling and I SAY NO AND EVEN IF WE COULD WE ARENT.  And the lady is like well we have some clips and so my mom CONTINUES and I tell her NO yet again and she's like well she's just giving me ideas.  Then after the lady showed her she comes back over and tells me that I wont see it anyway because its supposed to be a suprise for the bride on the night of the reception(has anyone heard of this?) and I say no and then my sister pipes in that yes it is going ot be a suprise and I wont see it.  Ill tell them what I want but they may do other suprises when I leave...(my sis is only 16)  GRRR, FINE WHATEVER I am so not going ot argue in fron the of the owner.  So we leave.  Then that night my sister tells me again that I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE FROM DECORATING EARLY AND ITS A SURPISE...I say no and then she said that all my mom wanted to do was HAVE BALLOONS FALL ON US WHEN WE WALKED IN. MY MOM IS TRYING OT MAKE MY WEDDING HER WEDDING.  By making a balloon arch, and balloons falling down on me....THATS WHAT SHE HAD...and my parents got divorced in Jan...and she regrets it(for other reasons)  EVEN IF I THOUGHT THE BALLOONS WERENT TACKY I DONT WANT ANYTHIGN FROM THEIR WEDDING.....and I have told her this...and then she says she justs wants to be part of the biggest day of my life and im shoving her out and says she is going to make money on me and turn me into BRIDEZILLAS... SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME....
    Posted by brittneywagner[/QUOTE]
    </div></div><div>
    </div>That was a little difficult to read. Please try to tone down the caps next time.<div>
    </div><div>Like the other ladies, you don't specifically mention who is paying besides putting the down payment so if she is paying for any part of the wedding she does indeed have a say in how its spent. </div><div>
    </div><div>Last time I checked, unless your venue decorates stuff for you (which is highly unlikely) or you have a Wedding Planner, its up to the Bride/Groom to decoration the venue. Personally, if I were you, I would go to the owner and say "these are my wishes, please do not let them do this" or basically stay until everything is finish the way you like it and have the owner or whoever lock the door. </div><div>
    </div><div>Also a possible heart to heart to mom explaining what your vision for decor, etc should hopefully open her eyes a little bit that this is your wedding and that she needs to respect some of your wishes. </div><div>
    </div><div>The last option is stop discussing any more wedding plans with her, if she brings things up you need to do the old "bean dip" aka changing the subject routine. </div><div>
    </div>
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    edited December 2011
    If you start any conversation with her in that confrontive tone, you won't get anywhere.  You need to sit down with her when your siblings are not present and explain, softly and lovingly, why using specific ideas from a wedding that ended badly makes you feel anxious.

    That being said, the venue will take orders from the person who is giving them the check.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    loritajeanloritajean member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly I don't see what they did wrong.

    Here's what you're accusing them of:


    -wanting to see the venue (of COURSE they'll want to see it!! It's your mom for cryin out loud)

    -politely suggesting some decor options

    -wanting to give you a nice surprise


    Sorry, but it sounds like they're trying to help you out and be a small part of your wedding, and you're just being really mean to them. If you don't like an idea, just say politely that it's not what you had envisioned.
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    edited December 2011
    I'm with Lorita.
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    sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can kind of understand where you and your mom are both coming from. You need to sit down and talk to your mom about the wedding and what you and your FI want . Why don't you give your mom her own special thing? Like let her plam and run the rehearsal dinner or something like that if no one else is. Then she can do whatever she wants and if anything goes wrong then its not your problem .
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    edited December 2011
    Poop. I disagree with some of these ladies. This is your wedding, your only wedding, and it should be everything that you and your fiance want/dream of. I have been in this spot before. Though I was the younger sister, and my older sister was getting married and it had to do with family wedding rings. But in the end, everyone compromised. And being married is going to require some compromises. There is a give and take that balances everything out. Talk to your mom. Regardless who is paying talk to her and explain your stance on this issue.  Your venue will remember that you get to write the review that other brides will read, not your mom. They'll try to help keep the peace. Talk to your mom, and if that doesn't work tak to you fiance and the two of you decide what you want to do in this situation. 
    Good luck!! 
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    edited December 2011
    Heres the thing: I did try calmly talking to my mother...that is what the caps were for...because I had tried 3 seperate times to tell her the same thing and how I felt and what I already had in my mind for decorations.

    And those that said my mom was only trying to help and suprise me....its my mom...I know her best and her helping would totally change my idea and "suprise" me because that is what she would think I would like...even though I would have already told her what I wanted...she doesnt do what I want....she does what she thinks I want or what she wants....its very frustrating

    And I would have her do the rehearsal but its at the same place as the ceremony/reception and we are getting food from them because thats the only way we could guarantee it to be able to decorate that night.

    Anyone have any other ideas on what I could have her "do" so she feels like she is helping?  Any its my fiance and i paying for everything...she has no money to help...my parents just got a divorce...
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    sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you all are paying then tell her  that its your wedding and you will do what you want.  Do you have alot of OOT ( out of town ) Guest . Maybe you can  let her be in charge of making an OOT bag for them.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with sarah, just find something that you don't really care about be it favors, OOT bags, mints for the dessert table, etc. 

    Like I said before, you need to tell the owner or event manager (depending where your getting married) that you do not want your mother to do "extra" stuff while you are not there. Tell your mom, again, what your wishes are and that the owner has also been informed. If anything just stay and be the last one of your family to leave.
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    edited December 2011
    When you include all the information the first time, then you won't get answers that won't work.  If you are paying for it, then tell the management what she is planning and that you DO NOT want it.  Stop talking about it with her.  Do what you want.

    But, if they think they can do it and show up the night before and are turned away, you are going to be dealing with hurt and angry people ON your wedding day.  You need to work this out before hand.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    sarah42ndsarah42nd member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Autumn and Muffin'sMom .
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    yrteemsyrteems member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yikes. This is a tough situation. You've tried to talk to her, but it's not working. I agree with some of the posts above that this is your wedding and it should be what you want. Additionally, I have no problem with capslock because it allows you to emphasize your point. I really do feel for you. 

    I also agree that you should try to work this out beforehand. You have a great idea in trying to identify a different "job" she could do to make her feel included. Is anyone throwing you a shower? That entails planning a separate party entirely -- that may be an option. How about a bachelorette party? They could even work in the "surprise" element to that (perhaps you can talk to your sister on this one). Or, maybe give her several small jobs. Tell her you're overwhelmed, and you need her to do: bags at the hotel, go with you to register (after you and FI go together), and/or DIY favors, thank-you cards, etc. 

    I really, really dislike the idea of getting a "surprise" on your wedding day. You'll be anxious enough as it is to make sure everything goes smoothly without worrying about some unwanted balloon insanity. 
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    edited December 2011
    Your wedding.  I dont care who is paying for it, everyone always says that on here and i think its dumb.  I think you have to consider their opinios more and give some little things, BUT honestly who the hell wants a surprise on their wedding day.  Especially if its something youdont want.  I'd be mad too!
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7bfad2d3-2765-45ee-bec1-2b77261ca531Post:db945d6a-aa7c-4324-8e09-39b5933d09d6">Re: MOMZILLA</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your wedding.  I dont care who is paying for it, everyone always says that on here and i think its dumb.  I think you have to consider their opinios more and give some little things, BUT honestly who the hell wants a surprise on their wedding day.  Especially if its something youdont want.  I'd be mad too!
    Posted by justinsfiancee[/QUOTE]

    <div>The point being made by the "who pays has the final say" or "money=strings" is that people (mainly parents) are giving <em>their</em> money away for<em> your</em> party. As an adult getting married it is up to the Bride/Groom to pay for their own wedding, not their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. Most the time, everyone can make compromises to suit all parties but basically, when problems do occur with a stubborn Parents or Bride/Groom, basically the parents have every right to withdraw their money from the couple. I've seen hundreds of Brides post on theKnot with parents who are paying for their wedding but giving ultimatums to the couple if some request isn't being met. So yeah, you might not agree with the "who pays has a say" motto but you have to understand the reasoning in why we say that to Bride's that are having problems with parents "taking over" their wedding or "demanding" for this particular thing in the planning. </div>
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