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Scheduling around a bridesmaid...

I need some advice on how to get one of my bridesmaids on board for the rehearsal/dinner. It's been kind of a head-ache with her, but I've been sure not to push her or let her know I'm annoyed, as I know everyone has lives outside of my wedding.  She can't come to my shower (hosted by someone else, of course) or to the spa afternoon I'm treating my bridesmaids to before the rehearsal because she'll have too much homework (both are a month away). The only other wedding thing I bothered her with was getting a dress, which went fine. We correspond frequently about non-wedding stuff, so I don't think anything else is going on, but I don't know.

I guess I'm just upset because now she's telling me that the time for the rehearsal/dinner is a problem. I think 5:30pm (the night before the wedding) is appropriate to start everything, and I'm scheduling this around 25 people, so changing it just for her is really hard. What should I do?

Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid...

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    mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Unless your ceremony is extremely complicated it shouldn't be a huge deal if she isn't able to go. I know you would like her to be there but it doesn't seem like you should have to change it because one person is unable to make it out of 25. 
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why exactly is it a problem?  What else does she have going on?  If she works until 5:00pm, I could see that getting there would be tight.  If it's easier for her to skip the rehearsal itself and just join you for dinner, that's probably the easiest thing.  Even if the ceremony is on the complicated side, someone should be able to debrief her before it starts.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    Dberkely11Dberkely11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I thought everyone was supposed to attend the rehearsal so they would be prepared, but I guess you're both right and she can just miss it and figure it out as we go. I need to stop stressing! I just wish everything would go perfect, but that's probably not going to happen ;)
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    Dberkely11Dberkely11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh, and I don't know what it is that she has going on. The spa day I'm treating them to is right before the rehearsal, and she can't make it to that because of homework, so I assume it's that. She doesn't work, but she's in grad school.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Grad school's a bitch, dude.  I know lots of people who were completely out of contact the entire time they were there.  I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and presume that she'll be there if she's able.  You can have someone fill in for her so everyone else has the spacing right, if you like (my younger sister did that when my older sister and I were late to her rehearsal).

    Your wedding isn't going to be perfect, because no one's wedding is perfect.  One of the best pieces of advice I ever got: if it won't matter one single day after the wedding, it doesn't matter at all.  If you're married to the guy of your dreams at the end of the day, it was a success.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    djoann958djoann958 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't stress yourself over it. My daughter got married 2 weeks ago in a Catholic ceremony. 3 of her 4 bridemaids and 1 of her groomsmen were unable to make the rehearsal (the bridesmaids were from out of state and the priest scheduled the rehearsal on the day before their flight arrived). I was plenty upset about it, but everything went just fine. We talked them through the ceremony the day before and you would never know that they missed the rehearsal.
    Also, I agree about grad school. When I was in grad school, no one saw me for 2 years.Much more work and independent research than college.
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    nannewmurnannewmur member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If she is unable to make the reheasal because of the time, that totally explains the spa day. 

    Unless you plan on doing a synchronized or choreographed number while they are walking down the aisle, most ladies can definitely handle walking down the aisle, smiling and turning at the appropriate time.  Don't stress out over this!!

    P.S. As a mom of a grad school student, grad school is a HUGE deal.  My daughter can not work in her chosen profession unless she has her Master's (occupational therapy).  And it cost  A LOT of money.  Please cut her a little slack (I bet she would rather be at spa day instead of studying!!) because five years from now, while your wedding will be a happy memory, her Master's will be more important to her!

    Good luck with everything!
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    edited December 2011
    IMHO, She has plenty of time to plan around those two times.  Homework shouldn't be an excuse.  I'm sure she's not doing homework all day everyday, so why can't she make sure she has her assignments done before that day so that she can attend the necessary events.  I know people are saying it's not a big deal, but it is. 

    I can understand her not coming to the spa day.  But rehearsal dinner?  Bridal shower?  Those are a must IMO if you're committing to the responsibility of being someone's bridesmaid. 
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scheduling-around-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c0ff6bd-031d-4f9b-b5e0-ed7411c2d719Post:ad4a1d73-552d-4933-8c18-b2fdaec4a004">Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]IMHO, She has plenty of time to plan around those two times.  Homework shouldn't be an excuse. <strong> I'm sure she's not doing homework all day everyday</strong>, so why can't she make sure she has her assignments done before that day so that she can attend the necessary events.  I know people are saying it's not a big deal, but it is.  I can understand her not coming to the spa day.  But rehearsal dinner?  Bridal shower?  Those are a must IMO if you're committing to the responsibility of being someone's bridesmaid. 
    Posted by amandanoelle12[/QUOTE]
    Clearly you haven't been to grad school.  That's more or less exactly what she's doing.  And no, the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner aren't musts.  The only thing you're committing to when you agree to be a bridesmaid is the ceremony itself.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    At our DD's rehearsal, one BM and one GM were unable to attend.  And good golly, they both managed to walk the straight line down the aisle from back to front without issue.  And then, they were even able to walk out after the ceremony.  It's not rocket science, after all.

    Grad school can be consuming.  Let this go and you'll be much happier.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    nannewmurnannewmur member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scheduling-around-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c0ff6bd-031d-4f9b-b5e0-ed7411c2d719Post:ad4a1d73-552d-4933-8c18-b2fdaec4a004">Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]IMHO, She has plenty of time to plan around those two times.  Homework shouldn't be an excuse.  I'm sure she's not doing homework all day everyday, so why can't she make sure she has her assignments done before that day so that she can attend the necessary events.  I know people are saying it's not a big deal, but it is.  I can understand her not coming to the spa day.  But rehearsal dinner?  Bridal shower?  Those are a must IMO if you're committing to the responsibility of being someone's bridesmaid. 
    Posted by amandanoelle12[/QUOTE]

    The only thing a BM agrees to is show up in the requested attire on the wedding day and stand up there during the ceremony!  Have you been to grad school?  This BM is not just giving up a few hours on the night before wedding but more than likely most if not all of the wedding day.   There are only so many hours in a day and when you go to grad school, you are expected to kick it up a notch and are often given assignments with little time to complete.  Your BM have more than your wedding on their mind and as I said before, five years from now her Master's will be a lot more important to her than your wedding.
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    Dberkely11Dberkely11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I KNOW. What the hell? I said in my original post that I understand and that my wedding isn't the center of everyone's lives. All I asked for was some advice on preparing the rehearsal without her, and I was given nice advice on having it without her and it was resolved 2 posts later. Why are all of you telling me to cut her slack and be more understanding? I don't see how I'm not doing those things.....??
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    edited December 2011
    I'm not in grad school, however I have a few friends that are.  I know it's VERY time consuming and there are constant projects and research papers, etc.  I just know if I was a bridesmaid, I would be scheduling my work around it.  It was mentioned that she doesn't work, so I guess I don't see how she couldn't make it to at least the shower and the rehearsal dinner if it doesn't interfere with class.  It's two days out of her time and it's a month away. 

    At the same time, as a bride you just can't let it bother you.  Like OP said, everyone has lives outside of the wedding, so if your wedding isn't everyone else's top priority, you have to just work around it.
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scheduling-around-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c0ff6bd-031d-4f9b-b5e0-ed7411c2d719Post:3e066638-9d8c-48fb-b6ec-97b9ebb2b192">Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I KNOW. What the hell? I said in my original post that I understand and that my wedding isn't the center of everyone's lives. All I asked for was some advice on preparing the rehearsal without her, and I was given nice advice on having it without her and it was resolved 2 posts later. Why are all of you telling me to cut her slack and be more understanding? I don't see how I'm not doing those things.....??
    Posted by Dberkely11[/QUOTE]

    Don't stress about it - a lot of people just like to get their 2 cents in, and don't read anything except the original post.

    Yeah, I know it sounds like she's making excuses, but she probably isn't.  My guy is a law student, and literally has every single day scheduled between now and his finals in May in terms of when he's studying and how much.  It's a huge time commitment, and if they fall behind it's a huge deal.  A lot of people (not saying you, but the poster who said she couldn't possibly be doing homework all day is an example) believe that grad school is like college - it's not.  In college, I slept until 11am and often missed my classes, and studied a bit for finals and ended up fine.  In grad school, there are a lot more requirements on your time. 

    It sounds like you've come to a good understanding - just relax and she'll be there on your wedding day!

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    edited December 2011
    Here's the thing: I'm in grad school, raising a 16-month-old, and full-time teaching. All while planning a wedding. So, to me, homework is totally not an excuse when she has this much time to plan for it. Especially since she doesn't have a job. Must be nice. 

    That said, it doesn't seem like there's much you can do about it. So like PPs have said, just go with it! Enjoy your day(s)!
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    jmucheech21jmucheech21 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scheduling-around-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c0ff6bd-031d-4f9b-b5e0-ed7411c2d719Post:8f3b52cb-b784-4245-b7f8-0b878d8d29a6">Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid... : Clearly you haven't been to grad school.  That's more or less exactly what she's doing.  And no, the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner aren't musts.  The only thing you're committing to when you agree to be a bridesmaid is the ceremony itself.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    I have to completely disagree here.  I've been to grad school.  I have my masters degree and I graduated 1 A- away from a 4.0.  I know grad school is a "big deal" but come on!!  I studied hard, I worked hard, but I was no where near studying 24 hours a day!  There really shouldn't be any reason she can't set aside her studying for the 3 hours it would take her to attend the rehearsal and the dinner!
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    jmucheech21jmucheech21 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scheduling-around-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c0ff6bd-031d-4f9b-b5e0-ed7411c2d719Post:2a094342-b714-4982-9261-dbb4b2c5ba5b">Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's the thing: I'm in grad school, raising a 16-month-old, and full-time teaching. All while planning a wedding. So, to me, homework is totally not an excuse when she has this much time to plan for it. Especially since she doesn't have a job. Must be nice.  That said, it doesn't seem like there's much you can do about it. So like PPs have said, just go with it! Enjoy your day(s)!
    Posted by kristinrotondo[/QUOTE]

    This.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_scheduling-around-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c0ff6bd-031d-4f9b-b5e0-ed7411c2d719Post:0a6529b4-ddee-4f12-a867-8f9afa627102">Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Scheduling around a bridesmaid... : I have to completely disagree here.  <strong>I've been to grad school.  I have my masters degree and I graduated 1 A- away from a 4.0.  I know grad school is a "big deal" but come on!!  I studied hard, I worked hard, but I was no where near studying 24 hours a day! </strong> There really shouldn't be any reason she can't set aside her studying for the 3 hours it would take her to attend the rehearsal and the dinner!
    Posted by jmucheech21[/QUOTE]
    It depends on your program.  Not all grad programs are alike. And not all students are alike.

    Right now I'm finishing a PhD.  At this time, I do have some time to do things although I'm still pretty busy.  But earlier in my program, particularly when I was completing coursework and studying for/completing comprehensive exams, I was crazy busy and truly, honest to God, didn't have time for anything other than school.  There were times where I pretty much had to tell people, including my best friends and my own parents, that I would be unavailable for weeks at a time and that I wouldn't be able to talk to them unless it was truly an emergency.

    I have friends who partied through grad school, and I have friends who have been wall-to-wall busy through the process.  On one hand, my friend's husband, who was in the same program as me, spent most of grad school drinking and getting into barfights, but then buckled down when his PhD dissertation defense deadline got close.  On the other hand, I just talked to my one friend who just earned her MBA on the phone for the first time in almost two years because she was busy finishing her degree.

    In the case of the OP, we don't know her friend's school schedule.  She may know that assignments, homework, or exams are particularly hefty during that time, and she may need that time to complete these tasks, whether it's because of the nature of the program or the kind of student she is.  I think that like PPs said, the OP should give the friend the benefit of the doubt and not worry about this.
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