I'm a "Groomsmaid"...

SaraAdam

....in my best friends wedding.  I grew up with him and we consider each other siblings.  I and another mutual female friend were asked to be on his side of the party, along with three guys (the bride has two guys and three girls).  However....things are getting awkward.

When we were first asked, it was very exciting.  But since then, my friend and I have been left out of both sides.  It's three weeks until the wedding, and we still aren't fully "accepted" by the groom or the bride.  He won't allow us to come to his bachelor party (which will be him, one other straight guy, and his three gay friends playing Rockband and drinking beer), and we aren't allowed to see him on the wedding morning until right before the ceremony.  We have to "support" the bride.  I entered into this wedding party for HIM, not her.  She's a nice girl, but NOT who I would be attending the wedding for.  I feel left out that I can't be with the person who asked me to be in his wedding in the first place on special events because I'm a girl.

Furthermore, the bride has left my friend and I out of all her planning, such as, where do we do our hair, makeup, get ready, arrival times, etc.  We've asked her, but she just gives a confused look as though we shouldn't be.  We've had to get information from her maids, who are reluctant to tell us.

We do not like being caught like this, and it is getting a little tense.  I would love to be with the groom at the bachelor party and, after I'm dressed, I would love to wait with him in his room before the ceremony, just like his men will be.  Why would he be keeping us at a distance, when we are HIS "persons"? Groom is in the name.  Should we let him know how we are feeling, or just keep our mouths shut and hope we show up on time?

Noellesmama

Wow! That sucks! I'm sorry!

I understand why he wants to keep the B party to just guys, but the bride should've asked you two to join in her festivities. At least that is what I would've done...maybe she feels a little slighted that he asked girls to be in his WP? i don't know?

SaraAdam

No, because the reason he asked girls was because she had two guys first- her brother and her best friend (who is gay, so the groom shouldn't feel slighted about it).  I would feel bad bringing it up, but I whenever I think about it I start to feel angry.  I would rather had not been asked to be in the wedding, as I never expected to be.  I sure feels as though I'm just another guest who has to show up a little early.

whitma87

thats definitely bad etiquette on their part. if your part of the grooms side, you should be able to do everything that all the other groomsmen are doing, even though your a girl. you dont know the bride, why be on her side. if i were you, i'd talk to your friend about it.

tldh

That really is horrible on both of their parts.  I was the Best Woman in my friend's wedding in Ireland and it was the other extreme.  I was responsible for the bachelor party which wound up being round after round at a pub in Ennis.

Can you and the other groomsmaid organize something for "just you guys" like an afternoon at a sports bar watching your favorite team?  Going to one of the last baseball games of the season?  Going to a highschool or college football game?  You don't have to pay, just organize it.

As for the day of, as long as everyone is dressed or at least decent, there is no reason for you to not be with the groom.  For that day, you are one of the guys.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Hey fellow Nodak-er

I'm sorry you're going through this and I totally agree with you.  I can kinda see why he might not want you girls at his bachelor party - but then again, he DID ask you two to stand up for him at his wedding.

The fact that you've been left out of everything is really not okay.  I think you're within every right to bring these concerns up to him. 

Manwaithiel

Totally ridiculous. You can't ask two people to be part of your party and then isolate them from it.

Sounds like they just cared about the symmetry thing. How odd.

You should speak with the groom about how you feel like you have no idea what's going on and that you don't understand why you were asked to be in the groom's party anyway because you're not involved in anything at all and you would very much like to be. It's pretty hurtful and rude what they're doing so I think you should bring it up. Especially if the two of you are so close.

aerinpegadrak

I think you should definitely talk to him and let him know that you're feeling hurt and left out.  As far as our wedding went, the bridesman and groomsmaid got ready with their genders, but hung out with their side.  There weren't any showers or b-parties, but I worked with the GW to help find her a dress and included her in all the getting ready stuff.

Emotional concerns aside, it also creates practical issues if you aren't being informed of where to be and when.

lalap69

I definitely think you need to talk to the groom about this.  He asked you to stand up for him, he should be including you.  The fact that the bride is deliberately excluding you by not sharing getting ready info when you've asked for it also worries me.

Talk to him and ask him what's up.  It's not fair that the couple has put you in this position.

We're having both bridesmen and groomswomen in our wedding party.  We've made it clear to them that they can choose to participate in whatever they like - I've invited the groomswomen  to get ready with us if they wish, but also told them that they can get ready with FI if they prefer.  The bridesmen and groomswomen will probably attend bachelor/ette parties based on gender, but that's because that's what'll be most comfortable for everyone involved.

As the bride and groom, they should really be making sure that you're included and comfortable.

trix1223

I think part of what you're experiencing is that mixed gender parties are a relatively new development in the wedding world.  A wonderful development, and one that is past due for sure, but still relatively new.

So the logistics are still in the "hammering out" phase.  I'd mention it to the groom, because it's honestly a possibility that this is something that the couple hadn't talked about/thought about/planned for when they chose their parties.

I can imagine the conversation:  "You want Sara on your side?  Well that makes sense since you two are so close. Great idea!"

Now fast forward to now:  Groom:  "Honey, did you ask Sara to join you for hair appointments?"  Bride:  "Well, gosh no.  I didn't even think about it.  I guess since she's on your side, I just thought....well, I don't know.  Do you think she should get ready with us?"

Anyway, give them the benefit of the doubt.  Talk to your friend.  It may all be less nefarious than it first seems.  GL

SineadHickey

At the risk of sounding redundant, that is so rude! I am having 2 bridesmen and my FI is having 1 groomsmaid. Much like lalap69 we have told them they are free to participate in whatever they want. I believe the 2 bridesmen and the groomsmaid have chosen to attend the bachellorette party rather than the bachelor party. Also the 3 of them will be at the shower. I think however the groomsmaid will be with my FI the morning of, because she is his sister and he really wants some womanly support. (making him look good and what not) But yeah, so rude. You should've been invited to at least the bachelorette party or the bachelor party and you should be with somebody on the morning, but really you should be with the groom, that's who you're standing up for. I wouldn't definitely mention it, but try to stay calm. About to be married couples often think everyones trying to ruin their wedding, but you should say something.

BluValkyrie

I agree with the PPs, you have to mention something.  He's your friend and asked you to stand up with him, thus you should be receiving the same respect hes giving the other groomsmen.