Give my Maid of Honor the boot????

prfctkrista

My cousin is the same age as me and we went to the same schools growing up and played on the same sports teams......sounds like a perfect Maid of Honor right? Wrong. She has been engaged for almost 2 years and had not started to make ANY wedding plans at all. I got engaged last month and asked her to be my MOH. Two days after I asked her I found out that she has also decided now to get married next year like I am and if that isn't bad enough she has decided that she likes my color choices so much that she is going to use them too!! I still haven't spoken to her about it since she never actually called me just texted. What should I do???

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:43a40cb0-16e9-4764-bbd9-3bc1a8a46323">Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]My cousin is the same age as me and we went to the same schools growing up and played on the same sports teams......sounds like a perfect Maid of Honor right? Wrong. She has been engaged for almost 2 years and had not started to make ANY wedding plans at all. I got engaged last month and asked her to be my MOH. Two days after I asked her I found out that she has also decided now to get married next year like I am and if that isn't bad enough she has decided that she likes my color choices so much that she is going to use them too!! I still haven't spoken to her about it since she never actually called me just texted. What should I do???
Posted by prfctkrista[/QUOTE]

Your wedding is 07/01/2012.  Your first mistake was asking anyone to be in the WP this early.  You should have waited until the end of this year.

Your second mistake is in thinking that your get more than one day and that your wedding has to be totally unique and spayshul.

You seriously need to grow up because this doesn't even register on the chart for wedding stresses and falls well short of the "try to kill me or sleep with FI" criteria for kicking out a WP member.

deepcovejackie

Really?  Really??

She's getting married in the same YEAR as you, and is choosing one of the eight available colours to have at her wedding?  That's the reason you're thinking of booting her?

Yikes.

What should you do?  Be happy for her.

SirJuliusVonHaast

Have you trademarked the colors? 

I really don't understand what the problem is here. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:43a40cb0-16e9-4764-bbd9-3bc1a8a46323">Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]My cousin is the same age as me and we went to the same schools growing up and played on the same sports teams......sounds like a perfect Maid of Honor right? Wrong. She has been engaged for almost 2 years and had not started to make ANY wedding plans at all. I got engaged last month and asked her to be my MOH. Two days after I asked her I found out that she has also decided now to get married next year like I am and if that isn't bad enough she has decided that she likes my color choices so much that she is going to use them too!! I still haven't spoken to her about it since she never actually called me just texted. What should I do???
Posted by prfctkrista[/QUOTE]
How dare she not understand that you've reserved those colors and the entire year.

*eyeroll*

Seriously, you need to get over yourself.  This is nowhere near a big deal, and if you kick her out over something so insignificant, you'll look like the most self-absorbed jerk in the universe.  Just don't do it.

hlq2011

She's getting married the same year and using the same colors, and you're prepared to end your friendship over that?  Good grief.

Kicking a friend out of your wedding party will end the friendship.  Count on it.  And it's worse when it's family.  Ask yourself if this is really worth destroying your relationship with your cousin.  Ask yourself.

And if it is... go ahead, kick her out.  You'll probably be doing her a favor.

ichellemay1

I guess that means all of his '11 brides can be made at Prince William and Kate since they are getting married this year...  I had my date planned WAY before they got engaged!!!

MairePoppy

So? What's the problem?

lindenheart

hopefully a slightly more helpful suggestion....depending on how close the dates are, you could always ask if it would be easier for her to step down as MOH and still be a BM so she can focus on her own wedding. If she wants to stay as your MOH though, let her. You can always ask another BM for help if you need it. My sis is my MOH but she lives on the other side of the country. One of my BMs has been graciously helping with things I wish my sis could. Don't worry about the color scheme, I've seen multiple brides on here have the same colors and yet totally different looks. If she's the type that tends to copy more than create just don't talk about the details of your wedding with her anymore. Not in a rude "I'm not telling you anything" but more in a "you know I haven't really figured that out yet"

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:69fc3b75-dc5d-4157-8f26-d25e6bca593e">Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]hopefully a slightly more helpful suggestion...<strong>.depending on how close the dates are, you could always ask if it would be easier for her to step down as MOH and still be a BM so she can focus on her own wedding.</strong> If she wants to stay as your MOH though, let her. You can always ask another BM for help if you need it. My sis is my MOH but she lives on the other side of the country. One of my BMs has been graciously helping with things I wish my sis could. Don't worry about the color scheme, I've seen multiple brides on here have the same colors and yet totally different looks. If she's the type that tends to copy more than create just don't talk about the details of your wedding with her anymore. Not in a rude "I'm not telling you anything" but more in a "you know I haven't really figured that out yet"
Posted by lindenheart[/QUOTE]
No no no.

1) There's no way to ask without making it seem like you want her out.  It may be wording it more "nicely", but it's still the same as booting her.

2) Demoting her to BM is just as big an insult, and just as likely to end the friendship.  The only things a MOH does that a BM doesn't are holding the bouquet, signing the license (if necessary) and giving the toast (if she wishes), none of which will impact her ability to plan her own wedding.

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:69fc3b75-dc5d-4157-8f26-d25e6bca593e">Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]hopefully a slightly more helpful suggestion....depending on how close the dates are, you could always ask if it would be easier for her to step down as MOH and still be a BM so she can focus on her own wedding. If she wants to stay as your MOH though, let her. You can always ask another BM for help if you need it. My sis is my MOH but she lives on the other side of the country. One of my BMs has been graciously helping with things I wish my sis could. Don't worry about the color scheme, I've seen multiple brides on here have the same colors and yet totally different looks. If she's the type that tends to copy more than create just don't talk about the details of your wedding with her anymore. Not in a rude "I'm not telling you anything" but more in a "you know I haven't really figured that out yet"
Posted by lindenheart[/QUOTE]

aerin is wise.  Suggesting someone step down = booting them.  Demoting them is about the same. 

The advice not to discuss details with her, though, is a really good point.  She can't copy what she doesn't know about.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:69fc3b75-dc5d-4157-8f26-d25e6bca593e">Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]hopefully a slightly more helpful suggestion....depending on how close the dates are, you could always ask if it would be easier for her to step down as MOH and still be a BM so she can focus on her own wedding. If she wants to stay as your MOH though, let her. You can always ask another BM for help if you need it. My sis is my MOH but she lives on the other side of the country. One of my BMs has been graciously helping with things I wish my sis could. Don't worry about the color scheme, I've seen multiple brides on here have the same colors and yet totally different looks. If she's the type that tends to copy more than create just don't talk about the details of your wedding with her anymore. Not in a rude "I'm not telling you anything" but more in a "you know I haven't really figured that out yet"
Posted by lindenheart[/QUOTE]
I don't see how your suggestion is any more helpful than the PPs' suggestions.  You're just validating the OP. 

Aerin is right.  You don't kick out or "demote" a MOH.  It doesn't make a difference how you word it, it's still removing the MOH, and it's still insulting and unnecessary.  It can also screw up relationships.

I'm in a similar boat as you are.  My MOH, my sister, lives nearly 11 hours away and has a very demanding job.  She is very busy.  She has assisted with dress choices with the help of the Internet, but is unable to really do much else.  The key person planning my prewedding festivities is my BM (one of my best friends) who lives two hours away, doing so with help from my other BM (my other best friend) who lives 12 hours away but doesn't have the kind of job my sister has and is originally from my current city.   I'm more than happy with everything because none of them are expected to do anything but show up on the wedding day in the proper attire, participate, and pose for pictures.

Does this make my MOH a bad MOH?  No.  Does it mean that I should demote my MOH and elevate my BM?  No.  WP positions, including MOH and BM, are honors and not jobs, and they are not something you earn. 

Can you be a little disappointed that your sister can't participate with you in planning as much as you would like?  Sure.  But you should be happy with the help you are getting from your friend, because even that isn't required.   It's no reason to even<em> think</em> to "demote" a MOH.

graysquirrel

Booting your MOH would be a very bridezilla move. So she picked the same colors. What is the problem with that? Chances are she will pick different flowers, BM dresses, food, music, officiant, venue... I could go on and on. Think of how you'd feel if she kicked you out for something trivial like that. You'd be pretty p*ssed, I'm sure. This is one of those times when a person just has to get over it and move on if you at all value her friendship. 

ETA-- this sound like MUD to anyone?

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:2d79f6de-1e23-4373-bbb4-715883c0e2ee">Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]ETA-- this sound like MUD to anyone?
Posted by graysquirrel[/QUOTE]

Was wondering that.

McKenna2012

I understand you're feeling like she is suspiciously "copying" you, but you're making too big a deal of it.  As others said, other people are allowed to get married the same year as you and have the same colors.

nannewmur

Why would you think someone who is the same age as you, went to the same school and played on the same sports team would be the perfect MOH? 

You made a HUGE mistake by asking someone this early.  You are stuck bc she is family and you will look extremely bad to ask her to step down or whatever term you wish to use. 

Consider it a form of flattery she chose the same colors.  It doesn't mean she will pick the same shades so if you don't want her to copy other things, in your eyes, don't tell her everything.

This post made you sound like a bridezilla.  Does your screen name confirm it?

ekutlus

I can actually understand how you feel. When my FI and I announced our wedding my FBIL and his GF decided to announce (2 weeks later) that they were getting married that year. I know it was petty, but it made me mad. I had to constantly tell myself to be nice and be an adult. I tried to connect with my FSIL over wedding stuff. I was TERRIFIED she was going to pick the same dress I did.

Now, my step-sister asked me to be her MOH at her wedding 7 years ago (she lives in NC, I live in FL). We discovered that it svery difficult to be a MOH out of state and she asked me if I would mind terribly if the girl that lived in state could step up and take the role of MOH. I had no problem with that because 1) it is HER wedding 2) she needed support closer to her 3) I wanted her to enjoy her day and everything leading up to it with the least amount of stress.

The situation is reversed and she is my MOH and I see how she felt, but fortunately my mom is helping me tremendously and I don't feel that I need to ask her to step down so that another person can step up.

You really need to leverage what you know of your cousin in order to figure out what to do. Good luck!

graffeo

I understand how you feel. I am getting married april 9th and my MOH is getting married may 1st. She got engaged after i did and picked a wedding date 2 months ago. I am not upset about it i was happy. My MOH wanted to make sure everything was ok with her picking a date so close to mine...Your cousin might pick the same colors as you but i am sure she will be getting months after you. Family is not going to be like omg they both had the same colors. Most of the time if Family is getting married the same year the pick dates months apart so family is able to attend all events without them being one after the other. In the last year my FI's family has had 3 weddings. Fi's first cousins wedding was in June then fi's 2nd cousin was oct and last but not least our wedding is in april. Remeber this is going to be great it gives family more time to see eachother, The only reason you need to freak out is if your cousin picks the same day or weekend to get married as you do. On the plus side if you are in your cousins wedding and she picks the same color as you picked( and her wedding is after yours and bm can pick wahtever dress they want unless she picks the same style dress as you picked for wp) you can use the dress your cousin got for your wedding. LOL... I know that might not seem funny but when u are on your last string and you think back to this you will laugh. Dont stress unless she gets married the same weekend as you do, As much as in our mind thigns are all about us and our wedding the rest of the world does not see it that way.. They just picke up and move on and make plans as normal and plan their own events and lives!!!

lindenheart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:2f58c565-0ca6-48fe-87ef-a18383b00e28">Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot???? : I don't see how your suggestion is any more helpful than the PPs' suggestions......Can you be a little disappointed that your sister can't participate with you in planning as much as you would like?  Sure.  But you should be happy with the help you are getting from your friend, because even that isn't required.   It's no reason to even think to "demote" a MOH.
Posted by marinabreeze[/QUOTE]

I only meant by my first statement that I was trying to be more solution focused than just attack a person for asking a question which is how some of the PP sounded.

And I am <em>very</em> grateful for any involvement my sis has had, She is so disappointed she can't be more involved and is always asking for pics of anything I can send her. We are very tight and we are both disappointed we aren't doing a lot of this together. I knew all she was going to do was show up for the wedding when I asked her but she was who I wanted standing next to me.  I gave this as an example so that OP would have an example of a MOH not really participating in any planning or hosting any festivities since that may have been a concern. I understand that these are not requirements but I wanted her to know that sometimes another member of the bridal party may decide to offer to help.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:316b7065-8675-4634-82a7-3cb87efcd5da">Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot???? : I only meant by my first statement that I was trying to be more solution focused than just attack a person for asking a question which is how some of the PP sounded. And I am very grateful for any involvement my sis has had, She is so disappointed she can't be more involved and is always asking for pics of anything I can send her. We are very tight and we are both disappointed we aren't doing a lot of this together. I knew all she was going to do was show up for the wedding when I asked her but she was who I wanted standing next to me.  I gave this as an example so that OP would have an example of a MOH not really participating in any planning or hosting any festivities since that may have been a concern. I understand that these are not requirements but I wanted her to know that sometimes another member of the bridal party may decide to offer to help.
Posted by lindenheart[/QUOTE]

So how did that lead in to your advice to have OP's MOH "step down" because she wasn't doing enough, and was getting married in the same year?  How do you think the MOH would feel under those circumstances?  I don't think your advice was slightly more helpful, actually.

trix1223

You're giving your MOH boots?  Cool!  I love boots.

Oh....wait.  Upon reflection, I see that you're kicking out your cousin, a family member, because she has the audacity to ignore the "no one in the family is allowed to get married within a year of my wedding.  And to totally bogart colors, and no one, not friends or family, can ever use my color scheme again.  Because it's so....you know...."U-Neek!!"

Go back and read that again.  Do you really want to be "THAT bride?"  Let's all hope that this was the only place you mentioned this, and that you didn't actually speak this foolishness aloud to anyone.

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

mellimel19

Instead of getting upset, why not be happy for your MOH, who I assume you care about quite a bit if you asked her to be your MOH. A year is 12 months long, there won't be any spotlight taken away from your big day just because she is getting married in the same year. Put yourself in her situation. Would you put off your wedding by a whole year just because a close friend already planned to get married in the same year? And while her choosing the same colors as you might be a little frustrating, try to realize that there are a finite number of colors to choose from- I'm sure you are using colors that may have been used by some relatives or friends in the past, and will be used by others in the future. There are varying shades of each color, and it's likely that you will be using your colors in different ways.

Try to remain focused on planning your own wedding. Each of your weddings will be different and special, regardless of the date or colors.

rknox88

Good grief. Is it me or has there been a surge of "I'm kicking out/mad at a WP member because I am overreacting" posts lately?

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_give-maid-of-honor-boot?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7c983582-16e4-4b02-866e-aea74ec6c8d9Post:fc7e9395-5956-46f0-9cc5-6182774073a6">Re: Give my Maid of Honor the boot????</a>:
[QUOTE]Good grief. Is it me or has there been a surge of "I'm kicking out/mad at a WP member because I am overreacting" posts lately?
Posted by rknox88[/QUOTE]

Yep, a huge surge.  Followed by the inevitable "newb" advice of "just have your MOH step down if she can't handle the duties".  And then the OP latching on to that piece of advice/validation.