How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?

proud_navy_girl

I have a maitron of honor who has been a best friend for a few years but now a different side is coming out. She hasn't helped with any aspect of the wedding at all. She tried to get me to change things from how I wanted them just because she didn't like them, one of those being a dress for the bridesmaids that all of the liked except for her. She has also just informed me that she is going to be bringing her 3 1/3 month old new baby to my bachelorette party and told me I would have to change it to be a baby friendly event. She could leave the baby home with her husband but says she can't trust him with the baby while we have a night out. Its frustrating because my mother and fience have done more of her jobs then she has. How do I tell her that I'm not changing things about my wedding or my bachelorette party just because she doesn't lik something?

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:41eb75ed-3924-4226-8cd4-4f664416803c">How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a maitron of honor who has been a best friend for a few years but now a different side is coming out. She hasn't helped with any aspect of the wedding at all. She tried to get me to change things from how I wanted them just because she didn't like them, one of those being a dress for the bridesmaids that all of the liked except for her. She has also just informed me that she is going to be bringing her 3 1/3 month old new baby to my bachelorette party and told me I would have to change it to be a baby friendly event. She could leave the baby home with her husband but says she can't trust him with the baby while we have a night out. Its frustrating because my mother and fience have done more of her jobs then she has. How do I tell her that I'm not changing things about my wedding or my bachelorette party just because she doesn't lik something?
Posted by proud_navy_girl[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is <em>yours and your FIs wedding</em> not hers.  She doesn't have to do anything as far as planning goes because it's not her wedding!  Her job is to purchase a dress show up on time the day of the wedding and smile in pictures.  If she offers to help then that's a different story.  Plan and execute your own wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>If she doesn't like things that your planning in your wedding then stop talking to her about it.  No one needs to know all the details of your wedding.  Let it be a surprise.  </div><div>The dress issue is very common among BM.  If it's going to be a huge issue then let her wear a different style.  It will look just fine because she's the MOH and it will make it look like you're wanting her to stand out a bit from the rest of the ladies.</div><div>
</div><div>You should not be planning any of your pre-wedding parties, including your bachelorette party.  If you didn't plan it then let her take it up with the person that did.  IMO, babies really don't have a place at a bachelorette party.  I can see a bridal shower, but not a bachelorette party.

</div>

marissa_claire

First of all, please be understanding that organizations like the Knot and wedding-planning books and web sites are completely mistaken in advising brides that their bridesmaids are supposed to help with everything.  I didn't ask a thing of my bridesmaids besides showing up at the wedding in a dress.  They planned my bachelorette party and the ones that could show up made it.  PP is completely correct - all the wedding "work" needs to be done by you and your FI.  Should a bridesmaid offer to help put invites together or tie bows on favors, that's great.  But don't ask them to do it and certainly don't think they're being a bad bridesmaid for having a life that's not wedding-centered.

Second, the dress is not a big enough issue to warrant it creating a rift between your friendship.  If her baby is that young, odds are she has a post-baby body right now and might be sensitive about what to wear.  That might not be the case, but if you're making her shell out for a (most likely) one-time dress, she should have a say in it.  I have yet to be a bridesmaid, but I can tell you right now that I do not want to continue a friendship with any "friend" of mine who thinks it's okay to ask me to buy a $200 dress that I'll wear once and hate.  A good bride - and a good friend - doesn't do that.  The idea of bridesmaids sucking it up and dealing with it is old-fashioned.  

Lastly, she is in fact in the wrong for suggesting you change your bachelorette party to accommodate her baby.  For one, have your maid of honor (or whoever is planning this shindig for you) deal with her on that issue.  If not, give her the simple ultimatum - hire a babysitter, have your husband watch him, or stay home.  It's that simple.

kellyb1487

Why are you planning your own bachelorette? That is completely inappropriate

I smell something a little fishy given that you have been around for a year and are just posting something now and according to your profile you are getting married on 1/8/11... Just Saying...

lilcassers

Do not plan your own parties. That is like saying "COME CELEBARATE MEEEEE"

She is not obligated to help with anything. My MOH lives 10 hours from me and I have not asked her to help with anything. The wedding is for me and my FI to handle. She just needs to look pretty and hold my flowers on my big day, lol.

Her few requests ARE ridiculous, however, she needs to take up the bachelorette stuff with whoever is planning it besides her.

As for the dress... that is your call. She needs to put up with it and wear it or not stand up.

bablingbrooke

Before you post your next response, please use the knot's spell check feature.  Your post was a bit difficult to read, and you help us help you by making your posts as clear and easy to read as possible.

If you don't like what she says to you about your wedding plans, stop sharing them with her.  Problem solved.

The bach party isn't yours to plan so I don't know why you seem to have a big role in planing it.

The dress is something worth conceding on.  If she wants a slightly different one, let her get it.  She has to buy it and pay for it, and it's not that big of a deal, so this isn't a hill worth dying on.  Don't fall on your sword over a dress just to prove a point that you're in charge--not worth it.

Also, your mother and FI doing more than your MOH is (gasp!) exactly how it should be.  This is your and your FI's wedding, which makes it yours and your FI's to plan.  Your MOH isn't your chief wedding planner, so stop acting like she is.  She's wrong for dictating things to you, but you're also wrong for expecting her to be your Gal Friday for wedding planning.

hlq2011

She doesn't have a "job" to do, so forget that line of thinking.

Ditto PPs who said you shouldn't be planning your own bach party.  Just refer her to whoever IS planning the party, and tell her it's out of your hands.  Chances are that they'll tell her to suck it up and they're not changing the party.

Cynthia1207

Um your matron of honor doesn't have any ''jobs''.  The dress issue is a little ridiculous if you ask me.  Just to clarify: Is this a dress she is wearing as well or is it just the BMs?  If it's just the BMs and she doesn't like it well I don't see what the problem is.  She's not wearing it.  If she is wearing the same dress, well you might just have to keep on looking or agree that she could wear something different.

You're right on the bachelorette party.  It's not exactly a suitable occasion to bring an infant and you shouldn't be the one paying for the fact that she has a baby and doesn't trust her baby daddy.  My cousin had a 2 month old at my other cousin's wedding and her husband was perfectly capable of taking care of his child.

ChanelShades

You sound super spoiled in this post. The MOH does not have any "jobs" to do. This is your wedding so you do the "jobs." Of course, she will have different opinions than you....she is a different person. Listen and decline. It is that easy. If she still insists, tell her you will write all her ideas down and keep them in mind. And that is the end of it. 

Just realize you are expecting way too much. She does not have "jobs." 

lilcassers

I don't think she is spoiled, just uninformed. The title bridesMAID and MAID of honor tend to throw newly engaged girls off.

I actually thought that the bridesmaids should have helped out with a little something until I stood up in 2 weddings and my friends requested nothing of me except being there.

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:b564a8e3-0ba3-4319-86d4-9531b721c3de">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough? : This is yours and your FIs wedding  not hers.  She doesn't have to do anything as far as planning goes because it's not her wedding!  Her job is to purchase a dress show up on time the day of the wedding and smile in pictures.  If she offers to help then that's a different story.  Plan and execute your own wedding. If she doesn't like things that your planning in your wedding then stop talking to her about it.  No one needs to know all the details of your wedding.  Let it be a surprise.   The dress issue is very common among BM.  If it's going to be a huge issue then let her wear a different style.  It will look just fine because she's the MOH and it will make it look like you're wanting her to stand out a bit from the rest of the ladies. You should not be planning any of your pre-wedding parties, including your bachelorette party.  If you didn't plan it then let her take it up with the person that did.  IMO, babies really don't have a place at a bachelorette party.  I can see a bridal shower, but not a bachelorette party.
Posted by jagore08[/QUOTE]

Egg-sactly. If you're filling her in on things, how could she not have an opinion- whether negative or positive? She doesn't need to help out with the planning whatsoever. That's your, FI and your families' job.

I don't see bachelorette parties as a baby-friendly event either, I'd be hesitant about bringing a 3 month old baby to one since at that age they're still pretty dependent on the mother. She doesn't absolutely have to go to your bachelorette party, they don't have required attendance.

lalap69

Friendly tip:  It's spelled matron, not maitron.

She doesn't have any jobs, so get that silliness out of your head.  You and your FI are getting married, you two plan the wedding.  That's how it works.

Since she's paying for and wearing the dress, she should get some input.  If she really hates it, let her pick a different style.  It's not that unusual for the MOH to wear a different dress.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that someone else is planning your bachelorette.  Tell MOH that you're very sorry but that a bachelorette isn't a child-friendly event and that you understand if she'd rather stay home with her child than attend.

2012JulyBride

As everyone has said, your MOH doesn't have a specified "job" for the wedding. Yeah, it's kind of assumed responsibilities but it's nothing set in stone. I don't know what her situation is but maybe she just doesn't have time. She apparently has a newborn and that can be very overwhelming (I know, I have an  8.5 year old).

I'm not going to address the unknown of whois planning the bachelorette party but I agree that generally a bachelorette party is not an appropriate event for a baby. The host of the event is in charge of the details. If the event is taking place where the baby would not be allowed in (a bar/club) then she'll have to make the decision on whether or not she'll come baby free or skip the event. If it's somewhere that she could possibly bring the baby and shows up with baby, well, you're kind of SOL but at that point (when your options are to include her or be a bitch and tell her to leave) I honestly would be happy that she wanted to come. Oh, and if there is transportation involved (limo, etc.), you may want to inquire about infants because they may end up having their own rules about car seats.

The dress issue...I have a dress sitting in my closet. It's a pretty black dress with white trim that goes just below the knees and a white ribbon that goes around my natural waist line. I have the pregnant look (I basically look like I did when I was 8/9 months pregnant). Most of my fat sits in front and I have very little fat around my chest but at my natural waist line it goes out...I have some lovely love handles. This white ribbon just emphasizes that I start to balloon right there at that point. Even though the bride is heavier than me and big all over, she decided that it was The Dress for us (I was the one that went to try them on for her). No matter how many time I suggested that this style was not good for my body type, and how an empire would work better, she insisted that I was being difficult. I backed down, bought the $130-something dress, and there it hangs....probably never to be worn again, even though she "chose that style and those colors so that it could be worn for something else."

The point of the dress story is would it be worth throwing a fit and losing that friendship? Really...ask yourself if having wedding pictures to look back on where everyone is dressed a specific, "perfect" way is more important than your friendship. If it is, then I wouldn't budge on the dress, because that's what YOU want. If it's not, then maybe work with her on it. If YOU are paying for the dress, then yes, pick out anything you choose and MAKE them wear it!!! If they're having to fork over the money and pay for a dress themselves then honestly, I would let her/them have a say in it. Not necessarily to the point of letting them wear whatever they want but give them specific colors, lengths, or styles.

Oh, and to specifically answer your question of how to tell her you're not going to budge...tell her just that! If you decide that no detail of your wedding will be changed from how you envision it, then when/if she brings it up, tell her that it is YOUR wedding, not hers, and this is what YOU have decided on. If she can't accept it, then you don't need her.

bdriley

You wedding, your's to plan.  If she doesn't like the dress tell her to convince the other bridesmaids to pick another one because you're going by majority rule.  Babies don't belong at bachelorette parties.  As I recall, you have control over the guest list for all pre-wedding parties.  Regardless of who is planning the venue and activities of the party, you get to pick who comes.  If you don't want baby there then baby isn't invited.  You always have the option of declining the party if the mother can't accept her baby isn't as important to everyone else as it is to her and somehow convinces the planners to allow it.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:7e875cd9-4500-4496-a71a-97695574da39">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think she is spoiled, just uninformed. The title bridesMAID and MAID of honor tend to throw newly engaged girls off. I actually thought that the bridesmaids should have helped out with a little something until I stood up in 2 weddings and my friends requested nothing of me except being there.
Posted by lilcassers[/QUOTE]

I think you're making a bit of a generalization there. And you obviously don't know the multiple meanings of "maid".

phut_action

Ok, girls, I think you're being a little harsh.

On the one hand, being a bridesmaid/maid of honor doesnt come with obligations, but it does come with some expectations, otherwise why would you bother asking? You wouldn't need BMs or MOHs if they werent supposed to DO something. Being a bridesmaid or maid of honor and not helping the bride with anything is kinda like going to a birthday party without a gift. As a bridesmaid or MOH you should be helping with things and planning things, it is traditionally the MOH's job (yes, JOB) to plan the shower and bachelorette party. In certain circumstances it doesnt work out that way or the MOH can't and that should be ok, YOU asked her to be MOH so you should be good enough friends you can accept that, someone else can take up that responsibility. 

But PP are telling Navygirl not to plan her own party but then saying she cant expect anything from her MOH who won't plan it for her? That's kinda contradictory isnt it? 

She is definitely wrong to ask you to change things to her taste. Its your wedding and you get to decide how you want to do things, if she's important enough to cater to her wants then fine, do so, but you're not obligated. Your MOH sounds like she's very busy with a a new baby, and you need to be understanding that she can't drop her life to help you plan your wedding. If she can't handle her MOH responsibilities request another bridesmaid or friend to take care of it. 

Now I'm gonna be harsh, if she doesnt like the dress, TOO BAD. How many of us have worn bridesmaids dresses we hate? But we do it and without complaint because we love our friend. You'll never please everybody. If you'd like you can let her pick another style in the same color, since she is the MOH she can stand apart a little, but if you prefer she wear the same as everyone else then thats that. 

JessiMay1369

Yea your BM and MOH do not have to do anything. My MOH is my sister and she is helping me, but I am not asking her. She knows I am a procrastinator. I am not asking anything else of my BM's but to buy their dresses and show up. As for your MOH wanting to bring her baby to the  bachelorette  party that is crazy!

music83lover2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:652db631-fe7d-417c-a87b-8b39828abd2d">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]Please do not follow Phut's HORRIBLE advice.  Phut, those "duties" are publicized by the wedding industry, which has a financial interest in making brides believe certain things are obligations. Planning the wedding si the job of the couple. The wedding party is not free staff. It is NOT anyone's "job" to host a party, period. Showers and bachelorettes are a GIFT, not a right. They're hosted - and paid for - by others. Nobody is EVER obligated to use their own money on someone else. "requesting other bridesmaids to take care of things" is a spoiled, entitled bridezilla move. Please do not think it is okay to treat your friends this way. Everything phut says is a dreadful breach of etiquette. PLEASE don't. You'll lose a friend over one day.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
BRAVO!  I couldn't have said this better myself.  I get so frustrated when I hear or know of brides that expect that the MOH & BM will drop everything or expect to help do stuff for their wedding or insinuate it action or attitude that the showers are owed or expected...They are NOT.  The only thing a BM or MOH is required to do is buy the dress, wear it and be as supportive as she can be within their own circumstances.  The wedding party's lives do not revolve around the bride and her wedding, much to the dismay of some brides.  When I got married, I didn't ask anything of my bridesmaid/MOH except that they show up on time, wearing the dress that we agreed on and have fun with me on my wedding day.  I didn't expect showers, but was very touched when they were planned for me and made sure to demonstrate my appreciation, including a hostess gift and hearfelt thank you note.   It is expensive to be in wedding also.  Those in a wedding party should be shown appreciation.  Nothing (showers, planning, making invitations, decorating, etc.) is owed to the Bride.  It is nice to help, but each member of the wedding party should be shown respect and understanding if they cannot fully live up the Bride's (sometime unreasonable) expectations.  And as a side point Wedding Party gifts should have NOTHING to do with the wedding day.  They are a token of appreciation for being a part of the day, otherwise they are a gift to the BRIDE.  I probably went a little off my own little rant, but as someone who has been a bride herself and has been a bridesmaid, I think it is important to keep in mind when planning a wedding.

Future Mrs. Lindstrom

She wants you to change things to those she likes and is going to bring her baby becuase she can't trust her husband (!!!) with it for  a couple hours???

Sounds like she has issue with her marriage and is trying to get the wedding she wanted.

Heather Wood

<strong>In Response to </strong><a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:76ecaec0-a3e1-450f-836e-acd8fa6f6ba6"><strong>Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</strong></a><strong>:
[QUOTE]First of all, please be understanding that organizations like the Knot and wedding-planning books and web sites are completely mistaken in advising brides that their bridesmaids are supposed to help with everything.  I didn't ask a thing of my bridesmaids besides showing up at the wedding in a dress.  They planned my bachelorette party and the ones that could show up made it.  PP is completely correct - all the wedding "work" needs to be done by you and your FI. </strong><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong><span style="font-weight:normal;" class="Apple-style-span">I totally agree with that. Their only "job" is to show up and be there for your wedding. </span>
</strong>
</div>

Alysonfake

You girls are pretty fiesty on here aren't you...

I agree with Phut to an extent... No the BMs and MOHs aren't REQUIRED to do ANYTHING... BUT... you are asked to be a BM or MOH because you are a friend that has been there for the person.  You should want to be available to the bride for anything she needs (within reason, of course).  I dont EXPECT my BM/MOH to do anything but if I say "hey girls, if you're free, I'm gonna be doing blah blah blah, come by if your free and we can have a blah blah blah party" 

Ok, yea, if she has an issue with the bacherlorette party, that's not really your issue... it's her issue for not being able to "trust" her hubs with the baby...  Let the person planning take care of it... and IF you DID plan it... well tell her to figure something out, it cant be changed...

And for the dress... honestly, MY OPINION, is that it's YOUR WEDDING... if you picked out a dress that the majority of the girls like and is within a proper price range, then I feel like she can suck it up for a few hours.  
 
And some of you folks need to chill about the spelling... let's get real here...

trix1223

I've been married for a long time and as they say, "back in the day", members of a WP quite literally did just show up on the wedding day.  None of my WP were even at my showers, much less have to pay for them.  We didn't have b-parties, so that wasn't an issue either.

I didn't attend any showers for the friends for whom I was a WP member.  We went to rehearsal, RD, and wedding day. 

And go figure~we all managed to have our weddings, without expecting our friends to provide free labor, and with absolutely NO WP drama.  None.  At all.

On my wedding day,  I had women who were my friends and family, and not a single person, including me, had any feelings of anger or frustration.  And it was the very same when I was the WP member.

If people would simply stop expecting their WP to be their Wedding Planners and remember that they're friends and family the posts on this board would probably decrease by 2/3.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

ErnyG

Something's fishy because she's just posting now?  Why?  Some people like to just browse around on message boards.  Nothing wrong with that.  Also, although I agree that spelling and grammar are important, there is no point in being self-important about it.  It just makes you look bad.

joiner521

It sounds like she is jealous and frustrated that her moment is over and it is not about her. Your way or the highway.

Storytime

Your bachelorette party is supposed to be a chance for you to let your hair down and enjoy the aspects of being single that you are exchanging for a happy life with your FI.  Having to have a baby-friendly existance is probably in your future, and isn't a notably "single" activity, so it should NOT be in your bachelorette party.  Also, while I feel a little badly for your MOH that she is married to and has procreated with someone she doesn't trust to watch THEIR (not just her) baby, that is definitely not your problem.  Let her use her manipulative skills toward manipulating a good baby-sitter.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:89e99b85-fa18-44e5-a0d5-48f09fa62248">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your bachelorette party is supposed to be a <strong>chance for you to let your hair down and enjoy the aspects of being single that you are exchanging for a happy life with your FI.  </strong>Having to have a baby-friendly existance is probably in your future, and isn't a notably "single" activity, so it should NOT be in your bachelorette party.  Also, while I feel a little badly for your MOH that she is married to and has procreated with someone she doesn't trust to watch THEIR (not just her) baby, that is definitely not your problem.  Let her use her manipulative skills toward manipulating a good baby-sitter.
Posted by Storytime[/QUOTE]
I can't speak for everyone but getting married doesn't mean you get to go out anymore with your friends (and if it did, that would be abuse).  And the only aspects of single life you give up are dating and sleeping with other people.  If THAT is your plan for your bach party, hey, I'm not here to judge.  But I think you're being a little over-dramatic about that aspect.

Storytime

I was dramatizing for effect, but duly noted.

xjessimacarx

Wow, there are a lot of angry people on here..

I think that you're right on a lot of points.  It would be nice for your BMs to help, many people assume that they should want to help since they're your friends..  But if you plan on having "jobs" for your MOH, you should discuss that with her first, and tell her you would appreciate the help. If you've both agreed on things that she wants to help with, then you're right to be annoyed by them not getting done.. Just don't GIVE her jobs, especially without her knowing. 

Babies and Bachelorettes definitely don't mix.  Regardless of whether you or someone else is planning your party, it's not a baby friendly zone.. She should know that. Unless you have something planned that is not typical and rather tame, would she even be allowed to bring a baby? I'm guessing you'll end up at a bar!! Lol.

As for her dress, it all depends on why she doesn't like it.. If she hates the price, find something similar in a cheaper material or cut.. Same with everything else, find something close that still matches your style, and meet in the middle.  You both should be able to compromise and find something you both like. Still, it is your wedding..

I hope everything goes well, and remember, you don't have to follow the advice of anyone on here.. Some people will think one way, and others will believe something extremely different.  Talk to your MOH, it's really the two of you who need to sort it out..

DAHIRA20

I agree with Alyson...

kclairmont

I am appalled at some of your responses to this girls predicament. A lot of your comments were entirely too harsh. The whole point of this sight is to ask questions and seek guidance from experienced brides and you put her down for her spelling. I don’t care what people do or don’t want. This is mine and my fiancés wedding. I will have what I like, especially since we are paying for it. I thought the whole point of having your “friends” act as Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor was to stand up for you at your wedding and to have fun helping you with things you might need. When I pick my bridesmaid dresses we will all agree on a dress, but it is my wedding and they will wear something that we agree on together. Some people like order and others don’t care. I don’t want the girls wearing different styles. As for the bachelorette party, your “friends” who are your bridesmaids are to plan that for you as a special treat. If she doesn’t want to leave her baby at home with her husband, than tell her to stay home. Also, I’m thinking you should just tell her you don’t want her as your Maid of Honor…she doesn’t sound like a true friend. Friends are here to support you. She can suggest things for you but she has no right to tell you to change something because she doesn’t like it. I would also suggest not posting on here anymore because it’s not worth your time. Do you what you want to do. This is your wedding not theirs. This is the first time i have EVER heard the a bridal party did NOT help with anything in regards to a wedding. What is the point of being in the wedding.

iamcleary

Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. 
Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids'). And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).
Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks

Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.

Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.
Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening.

Attend all prewedding parties(if local).
Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this).
Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.
Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.
Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.
Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.
Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.

Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.

My mother is a wedding planner and I asked her if The Knot's list looked corrrect in the MOH duties she did some edits but this is the list she said is etiquette standard. You ask someone to be a maid and they know there are some possible duties involved that is why you ask and they except or decline. I had refused to be a BM of a friend cause I simply didn't have the time to help out because I lived 500 miles away and knew she had no idea where to start with planning. I told her she could call me and ask any questions she needed and I would try to help. She is my MOH now that I am getting married and is wonderful and offers to help when she can. She is not required to help me with everything but when you stand in for someone it's not just buying a dress and showing up, you are there for them.