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How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?

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Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?

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    erikadiehlerikadiehl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Everyone keeps saying that the maid of honor/bridesmaid doesnt have any "jobs" but then in the next sentence they are saying to let the person planning the bach party handle it because it is their responsibility and that the bride should touch her bach party. This obviously contradicts. I agree that the bridesmaids dont have jobs- which is why I dont think there is anything wrong with planning or having a hand in your own parties if your bridesmaids a. dont know what to do or have no clue how to throw this type of event or b. they dont have the money to (which is totally common, but im not just handing them cash without knowing what its going to be spent on). Why should I ask my friends to throw parties for me? That is a HUGE JOB and my girls are glad I help because they dont have the time nor money. The entire wedding says "come celebrate me and FI" so why not throw parties that say "come celebrate me"?
    And no she shouldnt make you have a baby friendly bachlorette party-- its not an appropriate place for babies and it is ok if she choses not to come.

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    edited December 2011
    I don't understand the comment about something being "fishy" because this bride did not post until now. I can completely understand why someone might not post on here. Some of the replies on this thread are downright rude. Why would anyone want to ask for any kind of advice if you're just going to jump all over them?

    Kudos to the ladies who did reply with helpful advice.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    edited December 2011
    She is part of the wedding PARTY there to celebrate your nuptials, not be your slave up to or including your wedding. If you desperately want a wedding planner, then HIRE one!! If she is your best friend and Matron of Honor, then she should be wearing something a little different anyway, and expecting a new mother with a barely 3 month only baby to drop everything for you is just selfish. Do It Yourself! Don't be lazy!
    As far as the Bach party goes, I am with all the other ladies on here, not a place for a baby, EVER, and if she doesn't trust the child's father then she is an idiot who clearly married the wrong person or who should never have bred in the first place.
    SO here is the low down
    1. Plan your OWN WEDDING
    2. Have her hold your bouquet during the ceremony and a small emergency bag with tissues etc
    3. Stand your ground on no babies at the bach party
    4. Stop being so demanding on your bridal party, they are mot your personal staff
    5. Enjoy the process of getting married but don't lose sight of your actual life, love and friends AFTER the wedding DAY, and it IS only a DAY.

    P.S yes this is my first post, no matter how I tried this site wouldn't let me post anything!!
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    ebjornebjorn member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:155985b1-52a6-4446-bde8-c34b6366c9e7">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I smell something a little fishy given that you have been around for a year and are just posting something now and according to your profile you are getting married on 1/8/11... Just Saying...
    Posted by kellyb1487[/QUOTE]

    Umm, are you the profile police?
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:d3d4c4f5-0f42-4700-929c-88b1c9a0568f">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties.  Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids'). And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes). Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered. Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns. Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns , the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening. Attend all prewedding parties(if local). Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this). Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids. Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb. Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception. Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows. Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man. Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting. My mother is a wedding planner and I asked her if The Knot's list looked corrrect in the MOH duties she did some edits but this is the list she said is etiquette standard. You ask someone to be a maid and they know there are some possible duties involved that is why you ask and they except or decline. I had refused to be a BM of a friend cause I simply didn't have the time to help out because I lived 500 miles away and knew she had no idea where to start with planning. I told her she could call me and ask any questions she needed and I would try to help. She is my MOH now that I am getting married and is wonderful and offers to help when she can. She is not required to help me with everything but when you stand in for someone it's not just buying a dress and showing up, you are there for them.
    Posted by iamcleary[/QUOTE]
    No.  The Knot's list of "MOH duties" is created to convince you and your WP to spend more money from them and their advertisers, and anyone who's willing to take etiquette advice from someone who's trying to sell them something is just hopelessly naive.

    The bare minimum that the attendants have to do is get the dress, walk down the aisle, and smile for the pictures.  True, most people will be willing to do more than the bare minimum for their friends, but that doesn't change what the bare minimum is, and they're not bad friends for just doing that bare minimum. 

    And people are usually willing to do more than the bare minimum for someone who ISN'T pestering them constantly about how they should be doing more.  The more you ask for, the less you get, and vice versa.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    JulesWillettJulesWillett member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow some of you are really just mean... I really shouldn't read the responses. It makes me a little sad. But I'm sure the response would be if you don't want the criticism don't post a comment for all to respond to.

    I'm not sure if you would have made it all the way to this comment Navy but I'll give my two cents. I agree she doesn't have any "jobs" but it's too bad she doesn't want to help. All of my girls have offered any help I need and they're scattered all over the country. 

    It's you and your fiance's wedding you don't need to change anything. The dress change depends on her reason. If it's price or baby weight then maybe, but in my experience being in four weddings, I would wear what the bride wanted. I wore a little bustle for one, which was actually pretty fun :) All my girls would wear whatever I asked them. Although I'm not having them match so I think they're pretty happy. 

    No babies at a bachelorette party. If you want her there maybe you could have a pretty party lunch or dinner. She could come with the baby and then go home while the rest of you party?

    Anyway good luck! I hope everything works out! Smile
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:31baae6f-b845-4196-9276-1cbaaed5c451">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
    [QUOTE]She wants you to change things to those she likes and is going to bring her baby becuase she can't trust her husband (!!!) with it for  a couple hours??? Sounds like she has issue with her marriage and is trying to get the wedding she wanted.
    Posted by Future Mrs. Lindstrom[/QUOTE]

    i totaly agree, yes its nice to have others opinions.. or else the wedding (whoevers wedding/event) would look weird cuz it would be so them.. or so not them if there trying to "mix it up and be different" its part of teh process. it is YOUR wedding. do NOT change things you like just because she dosent like them. now if she has a valad point.. "that dosent match what you already ordered.. lets see if we can find soemthing better" fine but "i dont like that.. pick soemthing else" dosent work, sounds very bitchy and selfish.


    babies have NO place at a bach party, weather you or your friends plan it. i myself see no reason why YOU cant plan your own party. but whatever. if she cant trust her husband, and yes i get it some guys just arnt good with babies, and dosent wanna hier a baby sitter, and give both parents the night off (sounds like her hubby might need one to if shes this opinionated over a wedding NOT her own) then tell her your sorry shes chosen not to come celebrate with you and that she'll be missing. do NOT let her ruin your fun because shes to cheep to hier a teenager to baby sit for a couple hours, or wont trust her husband with the kid for the night.
     

    i dont know the whole story but it sound like she either needs the night off from the kid, cant force her to leave the kid with her hubby or a sitter sadly, or she is really unhappy with her marrage/wedding and is trying to get what she didnt the first time around. dont let her ruin your day by makeing it hers.


    H
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    Jellybean227Jellybean227 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You tell her that the Bacholrette party is not a place for her baby. And if she can not trust her husband she shouldn't have had a kid with him. Maybe you should buy her some condoms so that she doesn't make the mistake twice.

    And I think a lot of people are mistaken. It is tradition that the MOH has certain "duties" including planning a bachlorette party and a bridal shower, as well as presenting the couple with a serving set. And yes helping you do little wedding things.
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    blynsblyns member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:155985b1-52a6-4446-bde8-c34b6366c9e7">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why are you planning your own bachelorette? That is completely inappropriate I smell something a little fishy given that you have been around for a year and are just posting something now and according to your profile you are getting married on 1/8/11... Just Saying...
    Posted by kellyb1487[/QUOTE]

    Wow... Catty much?  I signed up for an account on here since I was helping my friend with her wedding a few years ago and I've NEVER posted on one of these message boards.  Even now that I've been engaged myself for 6 months, I have never felt so compelled to say anything until now.  Why would you be so mean to someone you don't even know?  What does it matter hat she hasn't posted on here until now?  How is that "fishy"?
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    shugameganshugamegan member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The dress issue: An easy solution may be to pick out five different styles of dress you like, shows your BM and MOH and see what style(s) they agree on. Different people have different styles and spending budgetsso you have to be sensitive to that.

    As for MOH duties: Do I personally believe that the MOH and BMs have strict job and duties they sign up for when they agree to be in your wedding? Absolutely not. But, I have found that my BMs are eager to hep and have already offered help when needed. Many times close friends are just as excited as you about your wedding. Your friend may not be one of those type of people and it may be something you just have to deal with.

    I have always been under the assumption that planning the shower and bach. party has fallen on the BMs and possibly the mothers of the Bride and groom. I don't see why a bride couldn't have a say in a LITTLE of the planning process such as the "guest list" because I wouldn't want friends of a friend who I don't know there when I'm trying to have a good time with close friends. The bride shouldn't feel like that have to entertain. But hey, everyone is different.

    I think some of the people who post on here should just relax a bit. We are suposed to be sharing advice and stories about the excitement and stress of getting married entails. Everyone is different with different tastes, personalities and traditions so telling someone they are wrong makes YOU wrong.

    And since when did Internet message boards start having grammar police? Give me a break. If it is soo hard for you to read posts with misspelled words and improper puncutation, why in the hell are you replying?

    Good luck everyone!
    146 Invitedimage 84 Attendingimage 11 Declinedimage 51 Apparently can't read the RSVP dateimage RSVP Date Sept. 1 Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    erinaldierinaldi member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First of all, I have been engaged for a year, and will not be getting married anytime soon due to the fact that my fiance is in law school and we are not at the point in our lives financially to be able to afford to plan and have a wedding. Yet here I am, reading these message boards, to get ideas for my wedding. In another year or two when I start actually planning, and have something to post on these boards, I hope it doesn't seem too "fishy." That was a pointless and ridiculous comment.

    Second of all, if a friend decides to help you with YOUR wedding, and the events of planning that wedding actually cause them to stop calling you a friend, then they were terrible friends to begin with and aren't worth worrying about. I was just a bridesmaid in my best friends wedding (not the maid of honor because that was reserved for her 15 year old sister, even though I was the "maid of honor in her heart" and got to do all of the necessary, YES NECESSARY, planning). I had the most horrendous experience I could have ever imagined. The planning was terrible, the dress was atrocious, and the bride-to-be was a nightmare to deal with because she was so stressed out. Since it wasn't MY wedding, I gave an opinion where it was asked for, helped her with planning her showers and planned her bachlorette party, and have not disowned her for all of the decisions she made that I deemed terrible, because again, its not my wedding, its hers. And she is still my best friend, although there were times I may have wanted to give up being in the wedding.

    The bridal party and the groomsman are supposed to be there to help you when you plan your wedding. That is why you are supposed to give them each a gift, as a token of your appreciation for their help. You don't give that gift because they are your friends, that is the reason why they are in the wedding party to begin with. The majority of the planning is for you and your fiance to do, such as getting the catering, venue, menu, decorations, etc. The bridal party is supposed to plan the events surrounding your wedding, such as the showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties or jack and jills. That's the reason you choose close friends, and not "that girl you work with". They know you, they love you, and they are willing to help and deal with the stress of the wedding to make it easier on you. You and your fiance can choose to make it easier by saying just show up, but traditionally the bridal party is there to share some responsibility. And since having a wedding is a traditional completely unnecessary custom, do not villianize a bride who expects her party to help with the traditional responsibilities..

    To address the issues at hand, if you want to change the dress, do it. If you don't she can deal. The baby thing is ridiculous, its your bachelorette party, not a barney sing along. She can leave it at home with its father or she can stay home. And its your wedding, do what you want. Because in fifty years, you are going to be the one looking back at your day, not them.

    If your relationships are so weak that those decisions will ruin your friendships, then you need better friends.


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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tell-maitron-ive-enough?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7dbad0ce-f64c-4823-a6ca-f0fe54743cb9Post:fbc24c5f-9cbe-4d4a-be7e-9b85fb925d3b">Re: How do I tell my maitron that I've had enough?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You girls are pretty fiesty on here aren't you... I agree with Phut to an extent... No the BMs and MOHs aren't REQUIRED to do ANYTHING... BUT... you are asked to be a BM or MOH because you are a friend that has been there for the person.  You should want to be available to the bride for anything she needs (within reason, of course).  I dont EXPECT my BM/MOH to do anything but if I say "hey girls, if you're free, I'm gonna be doing blah blah blah, come by if your free and we can have a blah blah blah party"  Ok, yea, if she has an issue with the bacherlorette party, that's not really your issue... it's her issue for not being able to "trust" her hubs with the baby...  Let the person planning take care of it... and IF you DID plan it... well tell her to figure something out, it cant be changed... And for the dress... honestly, MY OPINION, is that it's YOUR WEDDING... if you picked out a dress that the majority of the girls like and is within a proper price range, then I feel like she can suck it up for a few hours.     And some of you folks need to chill about the spelling... let's get real here...
    Posted by Alysonfake[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div><strong>I agree</strong></div><div>
    </div><div>I do not expect my girls to attend everything I plan, however, I do expect that if they can they will make an effort to show up. I also know I am not the only one with these expectations. My cousin is getting married 2 months after my wedding and she told me she understood if I declined being involved because of the duties of a WP member. I do have some girls in my WP from out of town, and I definitely understand that it is a lot harder for them to come. This just makes me a more informed bride and I check with them first on schedules before I plan something I would like them to attend (I.E. The girls wanted to have a day to look for BM dresses, so they picked the date and I called the places.) 

    </div>
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    edited December 2011
    Fishy = Troll.

    She is alluding to this being MUD (made up drama) to stir up the board.
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    cbwittcbwitt member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am completely shocked by a couple posts in response to this. The reason you pick your MOH is to stand beside you, to bounce ideas off. In other words, helping you plan your wedding. I have read a few comments that blow me away. One in particular about using spell check feature, this is not a English class. (and yes I said A english class and not AN english class on purpose) And another comment about (gasp) is your mom and FI job to help you plan (paraphrasing) this is a sounding board. Not a board to further upset someone by misguided comments and English lessons. Yes it is your MOH's job to be there to support you, to listen to your ideas and give constructive critisism NOT make the wedding day about her. And if you have to throw your own bachelorette party because other's won't or can't plan the party? So be it. If you want that tradition and need to do it yourself for whatever reason knock yourself out. Your MOH ought to be ashamed of herself for even suggesting she will eb bringing a newborn to your bachelorette party. And just because you haven't posted on the boards before and have been a member of the knot for over a year, it is not fishy. Some people just want the advice that others are gleening. I really just had to get this off my chest. So many negative comments to a bride that is already having a difficult time. Ya'll ought to be ashamed as well.
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    edited December 2011
    This is why i don't post anymore on these boards!!! Some of you GIRLS are fricken RUDE!!! So what if she spelt things wrong and there is nothing fishy about her posting anything!!! Get off your high horses! If you are already married why are you still on here anyways??? Grow up!!

    Now to answer the post, Its your wedding not hers. Being a MOH shouldn't be a job i should be something thats fun and exciting. Just sit down and talk to her about everything. Hope everything works out!!
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    edited December 2011
    Since there is much debate on the appropriate ettiquette in regards to the wedding party, as well as the showers and parties, I have posted some links.  These will take you to the Emily Post etiquette site.  If you poke around the site I'm sure you will find even more information.  The first link contains a list of attendants responsibilities.  Enjoy.

    http://www.emilypost.com/attendants

    http://www.emilypost.com/new-times-new-traditions/129-who-can-host-a-shower
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    edited December 2011
    I guess in my need to rant I misspoke. It isn't the fact that she isn't helping to do anything. She volunteered to make the cake for the wedding and then decided that she didn't want to do it because she didn't want to make the flavors that we wanted. She threw a fit when I didn't allow her go to the dress fitting because I wanted it to be my parents and I. She asked me to use her brand new baby as a flower girl after I had already purchased dresses and shoes for my flower girls and then told me it was rude to not allow her daughter to participate in the wedding. She asked me to have my bridesmaids return their dresses after they purchased them simply because she wanted to have a different dress then them and she didn't want to change her dress. She said that she didn't have time to plan a bachelorette party for me, but she did reserve the restaurant for us. I had to notify everyone about the bachelorette party and make other arrangements because there wasn't enough time for my bridesmaids, who don't live in the same state, to do anything with it because she told me last minute that she couldn't do it. She has now told me that she plans on getting ready at her home on the day of the wedding and that she is planning on showing up about half an hour before the wedding to simply get her baby in a good spot. I don't have another girl to step in for the wedding in such short notice and I feel extremely let down because she made so many empty promises and has flaked out on almost all of them. As for it being me and my fi wedding, I understand that. He and I have been working ourselves ragged considering we both work 10 hour days and then come home to a 7 month old who has a lot of health issues. I'm not saying that she should have been doing all the work but she should have at least done what she said she was going to do and not been more difficult then needed over petty things like her dress being the same.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay, promising to do stuff and then flaking out is totally different than not wanting to help out in the first place, and it's definitely not wrong to feel hurt and left down by her constant bailing.  But it sounds like she's kind of always been this way, and she wasn't going to change just for your wedding.

    You don't kick her out, though, and you certainly don't ask someone to fill in for her.  If she can't make it for whatever reason, you just have uneven sides.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
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    edited December 2011
    yeah thats a lot worse then how you made it in the beginning. true she dosent HAVE to do anything but saying she'll do things then not doing them because she dosent like the flavors you chose, or wanting the other BM to take there dresses back to get new ones is nuts. isnt the MOH saposed to be dressed differently? at least a little bit? anyway as long as its the same color WHY does it matter?

    dont let her issues get you down. dont bend to her complaints either. IF she wears the different dress shell look goffy, if any one notices that is. most will probabl;y just think she got a different dress so there wouldnt be an issue telling who was what.

    H
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