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Moms and Maids

What to do?! Kinda long but in much needed help

Much needed advice...

So I have one maid of honor and five bridesmaids, along with my mother, who are planning my shower.  To put it in the nicest way possible, my MOH is by no means pulling her weight. 

I know nothing about the shower as all the details are going to be a surprise for me, so I was really counting on my MOH rallying the girls and really being the head of it all, as it was her decision to have it as a surprise for me.

From what my mom is saying, as well as gripes from the other BM, my MOH is really blowing it.  One of my BM sent her $200 to put as a down payment for the shower venue, which she only used $100 of as the down payment.  Then when that bridesmaid asked what she did with the $200 she said "what $200"?  She then responded "oh the $200 you gave me a while ago" and proceeded to not give exact details as to where it went.

From what I'm hearing, all of the girls have bought numerous things for the shower, and even things MOH said she would buy she then asked for the other BM to buy them.

At what point do I step in?  When I talk  to her she says everything is going wonderfully and she has everythign under control ... stating "you know me eveyrthing will be perfect!!"   However, knowing all the behind the scenes issues I know its not truly her making it perfect. 

What do I do?  Might sound awful, but I do not want her to get the credit for the shower when I know my other BM have stepped up WAY more than she has wanting the best for me.  I cannot in my right mind praise her for a job well done (which it will be but not because of her). 

Do I let it go or speak up??

Re: What to do?! Kinda long but in much needed help

  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would say that it is something that the BMs need to discuss with her. If she agreed to go in with them for a party, then they need to ask her if she is still planning on helping. Since the party is for you, it would look bad if you were to complain to her. While I understand that she may be doing some shady stuff (like keeping the extra hundred bucks), it sounds like it is between the other women and the MOH. I think that I'd stay out of it. 
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  • HippinhipsterHippinhipster member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well she doesn't need to help out with any pre-wedding parties but she should have just said she couldn't help... not pretend like she'd help and then not. And taking money from someone and not using it for what it was intended for is just wrong! I think your BM's need to confront her about it no question!
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  • edited December 2011
    Stay out of it and let the BMs handle it.
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  • edited December 2011
    Ditto.  Let the bridesmaids handle it. A BM's duties only include buying the dress and showing up to the wedding.  Anything else is optional, so she technically doesn't have to plan your shower.

    At the same time, evidently she gave her word to the other BM's and said that she would help out, so she should. 

    If you confront her, you will sound like bridezilla.  If your BM's are having such a huge problem with her, which it sounds like it does, I would tell your BM's to confront her and decide where to go from there.  If another girl is willing to step up and take control, then have her do so.

    I am a BM in a friend's wedding.  Our MOH took the lead and asked for volunteers for specific tasks (centerpieces, cake, decorations, favors, etc).  Each girl has a job or 2 which eliminates confusion.  Maybe they could try that?
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    The only person who can't be involved in the planning is the bride. So that would make it impossible for you to intervene. I can understand your delemna, though. You don't want the MOH to take advantage of your other friends.

    Do you think your MOH is being sneaky with the money? Or do you think she is passing the buck because she is having financial problems? She might be relieved if someone else offered to take the lead in organizing your shower.

                       
  • edited December 2011
    I am having a similar situation. It doesn't  upset me if she doesn't want to be involved but then I'm like don't promise that you will do things and never do it.

    I'm frustrated because my friends are frustrated and I feel like I put them in that situation. It's stressful to see them get upset and know there's nothing I can really do about it.

    I just think when they complain to you just advise them not to rely on her for anything.
  • KJ7985KJ7985 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_kinda-long-but-much-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7f30a5ed-a930-40af-a083-51bc93444f4aPost:4f5cfc20-6730-496e-a17f-09bb642f1b09">Re: What to do?! Kinda long but in much needed help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Stay out of it and let the BMs handle it.
    Posted by FutureJilliannD[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree. It's difficult to stay out of the chaos, but the people pitching in for your shower are all adults and they should be able to work it out. </div>
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    ditto PPs - you need to stay out of it and let your BMs handle it.  Since you said your mom is involved in the planning I think she definitely could step up and say something. 

    As for her getting the credit: it sounds like all the girls are hosting, so I don't know who would be giving her said 'credit'.  Are you thinking other guests would fawn over her and what a great job she did?  I'd think the invites would indicate it was thrown by them all and they'll all be acting as hosts the day of - and you'll be the one deciding on hostess gifts, so I'm not really sure what the concern is there...
  • edited December 2011
    If the other BMs know the MOH on a personal level have them talk to her, otherwise maybe even have your Mom or MIL pull her aside and see what is going on? 
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