Parents problem

katpet

HI,

I just got engaged and me and my FI started planning our wedding. At firs we wanted to exclude parents from the planning because they arereally demanding and manipulative but since we love them and are their first childrem getting married we risked it and told them about the plans and ideas we have for the wedding. What a mistake.

They started planning right after I had shown the ring. And the problem is they are not even sharing their plans with us, they just annouce their decissions. I tried to be polite and asked them to stop (in a nice way).It didnt work out the was I hoped.

We just set the date and they have already ordered drinks,cakes, and made a guest list and are actually planning on inviting people themselves (behind our backs).

After I asked them to at least ask us before they do sometnihg they started yelling at me and accused me of being rude and ungrateful daughter who is trying to exclude them from the plans and life. Now they ignore me and told me they didnt want to know anything about he wedding anymore. They said they would show up for the ceremony but warned me not to be surprised if there would be tears and unhappiness at the wedding.

I have never dreamed of being a bride in a big white dress so I dont want to loose my parents because of the wedding but we are paying so we want to feel comfortable and share it with people we love and care about. I just want my parents to be happy for me and dontknow what to do.

marissa_claire

I'm confused.  If you're paying then how are they booking all of these things.... with your money?  These things require deposits.  You probably need to clarify on that note. 

[Deleted User]

You aren't a troll, are you? Just joined today, first post is drama. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now.

I agree with marissa, how are they booking if you are paying? Are you agreeing to the things they book by giving a deposit? If so, then you need to stop and tell them that since you are paying, you make the decisions. Also, make sure they don't order invitations because that could get ugly. If they invite people who aren't actually on your personal guest list, then they look like asses, not you.

Also, your parents kind of suck. Sorry.

waltzingmatilda13

Who is paying? Because generally whoever pays gets a say in planning. If you and your FI are paying for it, just do whatever you want, it's your money.

katpet

Hi thanks for the responses,
me and my FI are paying but...parents are ordering things for their money eventough we said NO. I am just curious if any of you had such a problem and have things worked out. I dont want my parents to destroy the wedding by being upset and coming only  to the ceremony and then leaving (I still hope they are only trying to corener me and dont really mean it.

mkrupar

I'm so confused by this. Who's parents are doing this? Yours? His? Both? If you two are paying then plan the wedding you want. If they are ordering things, then they're just wasting their money. Be very specific with your venue and vendors that you and your FI are the ONLY ones allowed to make decisions on anything. I've seen that before. A bride had to tell a venue that they were not to communicate with her mother on ANYTHING because she knew she would take over everything. If that's what you have to do, then do it. YOU are the ones paying the vendors. YOU are their clients, YOU are the ones they should be listening to.

Can you be more specific as to what things they've done with planning? Drinks and cakes and such just don't make sense.

marissa_claire

Kat, if you want to elope then I would say do it.  I would tell your parents that you're only doing this wedding to appease them, but if they care more about a party with their friends then it clearly doesn't mean much to them to see you get married.

Hopefully they'll get their priorities in check.  Unfortunately, I've seen a lot of parents who think their child's wedding is the time to impress their friends.  

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7fbb3ff6-48d0-4ea1-8de6-f293c51deb39Post:cda28ea5-1eaa-48ac-8eb8-2c472e4c97c5">Parents problem</a>:
[QUOTE]HI, I just got engaged and me and my FI started planning our wedding. At firs we wanted to exclude parents from the planning because they arereally demanding and manipulative but since we love them and are their first childrem getting married we risked it and told them about the plans and ideas we have for the wedding. What a mistake. They started planning right after I had shown the ring. And the problem is they are not even sharing their plans with us, they just annouce their decissions. I tried to be polite and asked them to stop (in a nice way).It didnt work out the was I hoped. We just set the date and they have already ordered drinks,cakes, and made a guest list and are actually planning on inviting people themselves (behind our backs).<strong>

After I asked them to at least ask us before they do sometnihg they started yelling at me and accused me of being rude and ungrateful daughter who is trying to exclude them from the plans and life. Now they ignore me and told me they didnt want to know anything about he wedding anymore. They said they would show up for the ceremony but warned me not to be surprised if there would be tears and unhappiness at the wedding.</strong>

I have never dreamed of being a bride in a big white dress so I dont want to loose my parents because of the wedding but we are paying so we want to feel comfortable and share it with people we love and care about. I just want my parents to be happy for me and dontknow what to do.
Posted by katpet[/QUOTE]

To the bolded part of your post: just say, very sadly, "Mom and Dad, I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you and hope you will be happy for me and fi."
As an MOB, I can tell you it is unlikely that your parents will ignore you throughout your wedding planning. The wedding stuff is just too important. Call their bluffs.Once they realize that you and fi are in charge, they will probably decide to cooperate.

LoveMuffins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7fbb3ff6-48d0-4ea1-8de6-f293c51deb39Post:3149ba18-8103-4364-b14c-973eb164713d">Re: Parents problem</a>:
[QUOTE]Kat, if you want to elope then I would say do it.  I would tell your parents that you're only doing this wedding to appease them, but if they care more about a party with their friends then it clearly doesn't mean much to them to see you get married. Hopefully they'll get their priorities in check.  Unfortunately, I've seen a lot of parents who think their child's wedding is the time to impress their friends.  
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

I agree with this... or, if you're not willing to elope, tell your parents that if they don't stop you will be.

Also, they can't hire vendors, etc. unless they know where it is. Telling them you're engaged is right, because a parent shouldn't have to find out from the wedding invitation, but now it's time to stop sharing information with them.

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_parents-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7fbb3ff6-48d0-4ea1-8de6-f293c51deb39Post:03a87f12-2c17-414c-9702-002352dd589d">Re: Parents problem</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so confused by this. Who's parents are doing this? Yours? His? Both? If you two are paying then plan the wedding you want. If they are ordering things, then they're just wasting their money. Be very specific with your venue and vendors that you and your FI are the ONLY ones allowed to make decisions on anything. I've seen that before. A bride had to tell a venue that they were not to communicate with her mother on ANYTHING because she knew she would take over everything. If that's what you have to do, then do it. YOU are the ones paying the vendors. YOU are their clients, YOU are the ones they should be listening to. Can you be more specific as to what things they've done with planning? Drinks and cakes and such just don't make sense.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

You might just have to do this when it comes to both sets of parents. It sounds like you've already tried calling them out and bringing up your concerns. GL!

RMacQueen

When is your wedding? If it's more than 8 months out I would hit the brakes a little bit and give everyone some time to adjust. They may just be really excited. Chances are they will calm down in a month or two.

lalap69

I doubt that if they were willing to go behind your backs to book things that they'll be able to just turn it off.  The fact that they are threatening "tears and unhappiness" at your wedding is really over the line.

Only you know how likely they are to follow through, but to me it doesn't seem believable that they would.

In which case I would either say "Okay, FI and I are perfectly happy to elope.  You don't have to be there if the wedding is such a source of unhappiness for you" or you could wait them out and see if they eventually realize that you're not going to cave and so if they want to be a part of this, then they need to start respecting your decisions.

zitiqueen

Just because they're paying for stuff doesn't mean you have to use that stuff.

Muffin'sMom

People behave that way because they have been allowed to get away with it in the past.  You said yourself in your original post that you should have known better.

So now you get to have the hard conversation.  "Mom and Dad, I love you very much and want you to be at my wedding celebrating the happiest day of my life.  If you cannot do so, please do not attend.  We will miss you, but will not have our wedding day darkened by that kind of behavior." 

Then, plan your wedding.  Do NOT discuss specifics with them.  Make sure your vendors know that you are the only person making or changing details.  Refuse to continue the argument.  If they bring it up, you tell them you are sorry but you have not changed your mind and the choice is up to them.

It's hard...but if you are grown up enough to get married, then you are grown up enough to stand your ground.

ckonidak

Muffin'sMom is wise. Listen to her. Especially the 2 last paragraphs.  I'm sorry that you're having to go through that.

katpet

Hi thank you for the responses, I will try to talk to them one more time. MAybe this time they will understand. If not...well I will just pray for things to work out the way me an my fi want. 

Its my parents who are doing this.

BTW I dont know why it says portland in my profile, because  I live in Europe and the wedding is taking place there, so things work little different here. My bad I did not explain it.

As for the cakes and drinks...we havent even thought about it yet. We just got the date set and found the place and talked to a priest. WE planned to continue next year, becuase there is still enough time...its just my parents who thing we are in a hurry.

Thanks again and wish me luck.