Bridesmaid shows no interest

jguthrie21

My best friend of 13 years is in my wedding along with my two older sisters.  My sisters are doing a great job helping me with ideas, planning, and dealing with my crazy "I hate how everything looks and want to change it all" days.  My friend has not asked me once about the wedding since I told her about being engaged and wanting her to be a bridesmaid back in April.  She was really stand offish and not as happy as I expected my best friend to be when I told her.  Whenever I bring the wedding up she doesn't really talk about it and the subject changes quick to somethng in her life. She met a guy and got pregnant after knowing him for two weeks.  The baby is now a year old and her boyfriend hasn't proposed to her.  I'm considering that and thinking its jealousy.  Honestly IDK what to do.  How do I even approach her about her lack of interest?

marissa_claire

This might come as a surprise to you, but most people are not terribly interested in weddings.  A lot of people just don't get excited for them.  Even if it's for their best friends.  I wouldn't read too much into it.  It also sounds like she has her hands full.  

Habs2Hart

You don't.  Your wedding is important to you, not her.  She probably is a bit jealous.  Put yourself in her shoes for a moment.  While I'm sure she's happy for you, you can't expect everyone to always partake in your excitement. 

If you want to talk about the wedding with her, do it, but don't push it if she changes the subject.  Otherwise you'll end up alienating your friend.  When all is said and done, your wedding is one day, and hopefully your marriage and your friendship is lifelong.  Focus on the future.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-shows-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:81549e60-2aea-4cfc-8dae-66b6a5065d57Post:891236d5-f1d5-46c2-8bea-a4978f785aa1">Bridesmaid shows no interest</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend of 13 years is in my wedding along with my two older sisters.  My sisters are doing a great job helping me with ideas, planning, and dealing with my crazy "I hate how everything looks and want to change it all" days.  My friend has not asked me once about the wedding since I told her about being engaged and wanting her to be a bridesmaid back in April.  She was really stand offish and not as happy as I expected my best friend to be when I told her.  Whenever I bring the wedding up she doesn't really talk about it and the subject changes quick to somethng in her life. She met a guy and got pregnant after knowing him for two weeks.  The baby is now a year old and her boyfriend hasn't proposed to her.  I'm considering that and thinking its jealousy.  Honestly IDK what to do.  How do I even approach her about her lack of interest?
Posted by jguthrie21[/QUOTE]

<div>You don't. Like the other PP said she does not have to be interested in your wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Plus if you picked up on the fact that she is avoiding the wedding talk and is possibly jealous why would continue to push it. If my friends are jealous of me about something, I don't continually talk about the thing they are jealous, to me it seems snobby. It's sad that she is not interested, but she doesn't have to be. I'm sure there are other people that you know that may like wedding stuff so talk to them.</div>

lisaandcorey

I admit it did sting a little when some of the people closest to me were less than thrilled, but I've heard so many newly engaged people talk about it that I think it is normal.  Wedding planning/engagements are like job promotions/raises - only you and your FI care and it  only affects the two of you. 

I don't think you should approach her about it. She doesn't have to be and you can't force her to be interested.  She is the mother of a 1 yr old and I'm sure the majority of her time/attention is focused on being a mother.  There's no way your wedding can compare or compete with that. 

BTW, if you think it is painful for her talk about your wedding, why would you want to pick at that scab just to make her pay more attention to you?  Just keep being her friend - talk to her as you would if you weren't planning a wedding.

jguthrie21

OK I may being going all Bridezilla here but how about what I feel?  I feel my best friend is neglecting me during an important event in my life.  I was there for her during her pregnancy and did so much and she doesn't even talk to me about this at all.  The only reason I didn't make her MOH is because I know she has a lot going on. My sisters and mom have everything handled.  I'm just irritated because she won't ask about anything.  She wouldn't even make time to come look for my wedding dress with me.  Even after I offered to pick up her and the baby up.  My mom and sisters were going to be there and all offered to watch the baby.   Its hurtful and I'm getting offended.

lisaandcorey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-shows-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:81549e60-2aea-4cfc-8dae-66b6a5065d57Post:10f8c547-742c-4f51-ab06-31d464adfa50">Re: Bridesmaid shows no interest</a>:
[QUOTE]OK I may being going all Bridezilla here but how about what I feel?  I feel my best friend is neglecting me during an important event in my life.  I was there for her during her pregnancy and did so much and she doesn't even talk to me about this at all.  The only reason I didn't make her MOH is because I know she has a lot going on. My sisters and mom have everything handled.  I'm just irritated because she won't ask about anything.  She wouldn't even make time to come look for my wedding dress with me.  Even after I offered to pick up her and the baby up.  My mom and sisters were going to be there and all offered to watch the baby.   Its hurtful and I'm getting offended.
Posted by jguthrie21[/QUOTE]

You can't compare wedding planning and dress shopping to a pregnancy.  You just can't.  I'm not a mother but I find that unacceptable. 

And you're offended because she isn't asking you anything about your wedding planning?  Your wedding isn't until next September! What does she need to ask about 10 months away?  My wedding is a week after yours and the only person I am discussing things with is my FI as we decide on vendors. 

You already said she might be jealous because of her situation...why can't you put your feelings to the side and let her come join your wedding reindeer games when she is ready?  You haven't said she's being mean, critical, or bitchy, so just let this go for now.  Her participation isn't necessary until it is time to pick out bridesmaid dresses.

And just so you know, she isn't required to go wedding dress shopping with you.  And just because you secured babysitters for her doesn't mean she was comfortable taking a baby to a bridal salon. Actually I applaud her judgment because trying dresses on was tiring - they are heavy, there were other people, and the lights were hot.  The presence of young children would probably have gotten you some dirty looks - lol.

To quote many, many, many other posters, you get ONE DAY.  Chill out.

cyn1812000

To come to your defense - I understand feeling deflated when your best friend isn't as happy for you as you'd like them to be.  I understand because I know what that feels like, and it does not always come from a bad place.  And I'm sure you want to find out why because you're a good friend and want to make sure you're not making her feel uncomfortable.

However, I wouldn't say anything to her because I'm sure she has her reasons, whatever they may be.  And it's possible that she's focused on something in her life that is troubling her but trying not to discuss it as to not bring you down.  I would just let it go, and just really enjoy the time that you get to spend with your sisters and mom.  That's what I would do.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-shows-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:81549e60-2aea-4cfc-8dae-66b6a5065d57Post:10f8c547-742c-4f51-ab06-31d464adfa50">Re: Bridesmaid shows no interest</a>:
[QUOTE]OK I may being going all Bridezilla here but how about what I feel?  I feel my best friend is <strong>neglecting me during an important event in my life</strong>. <em> I was there for her during her pregnancy and did so much and she doesn't even talk to me about this at all.</em>  The only reason I didn't make her MOH is because I know she has a lot going on. My sisters and mom have everything handled.  I'm just irritated because she won't ask about anything.  She wouldn't even make time to come look for my wedding dress with me.  Even after I offered to pick up her and the baby up.  My mom and sisters were going to be there and all offered to watch the baby.   Its hurtful and I'm getting offended.
Posted by jguthrie21[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sorry that you feel all down in the dumps that she isn't want to talk about it but obviously she is...not...interested. You need to accept this and move on. You pouting over this is childish and even if you were gun hoe with her pregnancy you didn't have to be. She isn't "neglecting" you, she just doesn't want to talk about anything wedding because either she A. is not interested/to busy with her child or B. she is jealous and it hurts her to talk about it. Plus neglecting would be avoid you personally, she just answers and changes the subject. Neglecting would be she avoids you all together and you were having some kind of emergency, definitely not the case.</div><div>
</div><div>As for her not going Bridal shopping, once again you can be bummed, but get over it. She has a child and she isn't comfortable in wanting your sister/mom to watch her while she "oo" and "ah" over your dress. Just be happy you have a mom and sister that will be there. You harboring these negative feelings toward her because she doesn't want to talk about you and your wedding is getting ridiculous. Move on and just talk to her if you were already married and there was no wedding. </div>

lisab613

i'm sorry you're feeling this way, it sounds like you just miss your friend. i bet she will get more involved as she can, or as the wedding gets closer. i'd try maybe just talking to her about normal, everyday stuff, try to get back into normal conversations that aren't wedding-related. we all have a tendancy to overdo wedding talk, maybe you could both use some regular hanging out time without talking about the wedding.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-shows-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:81549e60-2aea-4cfc-8dae-66b6a5065d57Post:10f8c547-742c-4f51-ab06-31d464adfa50">Re: Bridesmaid shows no interest</a>:
[QUOTE]OK I may being going all Bridezilla here but how about what I feel?  I feel my best friend is neglecting me during an important event in my life.  I was there for her during her pregnancy and did so much and she doesn't even talk to me about this at all.  The only reason I didn't make her MOH is because I know she has a lot going on. My sisters and mom have everything handled.  I'm just irritated because she won't ask about anything.  She wouldn't even make time to come look for my wedding dress with me.  Even after I offered to pick up her and the baby up.  My mom and sisters were going to be there and all offered to watch the baby.   Its hurtful and I'm getting offended.
Posted by jguthrie21[/QUOTE]


Yoiu're really comparing planning a wedding to experiencing an unplanned/unexpected pregnancy?  Well, that's all the information I need.

graysquirrel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-shows-interest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:81549e60-2aea-4cfc-8dae-66b6a5065d57Post:c22985f2-e62a-4fbc-806d-26d345c317a7">Re: Bridesmaid shows no interest</a>:
[QUOTE]i'm sorry you're feeling this way, it sounds like you just miss your friend. i bet she will get more involved as she can, or as the wedding gets closer. i'd try maybe just talking to her about normal, everyday stuff, try to get back into normal conversations that aren't wedding-related. we all have a tendancy to overdo wedding talk, maybe you could both use some regular hanging out time without talking about the wedding.
Posted by lisab613[/QUOTE]

<div>This is good advice. I understand your feelings. You want your best pal to be happy and join you in the happiest days of your life. I'd be bummed too if my best friend didn't want to talk about anything. However, right now I'd just wait. You have a lot of time left and maybe as time goes on she will get used to the idea and get on board. If you are talking about it and she clams up, it might be OK to just ask if she's alright. Maybe she will open up to you. But if she still doesn't want to talk, don't push it. </div><div>
</div>

kdianehansen

I understand totally.  I have 2 bridesmaids that are here in Toronto with me who i had hoped would be able to make a little time for me as my Mom and MOH are in BC.  I just told them last night my dress just arrived in - they havent seen it on me yet as I found it in BC with my mom - and want to schedule a time with them to have them come with me when i try it on again.  One responds that she's busy busy busy.. its understandable as she has 2 small boys, the other doesnt respond.  Another time when i needed them neither one of them picked up the phone.  I am planning our wedding mostly on my own without my own family close by, so it would be nice to have my girls there for me the few times i do need them!  I just havent gotten that feeling from them yet.. Oh they're excited i know.. but its the feeling of them being there when i need them to be..

JoMega

This is my first time coming to this board & I was just looking at different posts because I have been having a VERY similar situation.  I know how you feel & it really does hurt.  The only difference between our situations is my friend is not pregnant, but other than that things are similar.  She ignores every aspect of wedding talk, has complained about everything related to being a BM.  Dress, jewelry, shoes...I am taking all the girls out the night before my wedding for dinner...that was an issue for her to come & she told me a few weeks ago she is not staying at the wedding.  that was the last straw and I was like WTF!  On top of it, I live in Chicago and my fiance just took a job in Colorado at the beginning of October & moved at the end of October...I will be staying in Chicago until after our wedding...it was a major life change in a very short span of time..we had lived together & with wedding planning...it was just a difficult transition.  She was not supportive at all--which is completely not even BM related, rather just being a good friend.  I was really hurt with all of this & asked people about it, especially other brides I am close with or other women who have gotten married.  The main thing I have heard is just ignore it....that was the last thing I wanted to do as I am a very blunt person & have no problem speaking my mind.  However, I feel as if ignoring it has helped.  I still think about it, no doubt, but distancing myself from her & ignoring the situation is probably the best solution.  My friend actually told me she is jealous that I am engaged & she really meant it, instead of just saying it in one of those nice ways that people do..if you know what I mean.  I didn't even know how to respond, she is 24 & wasn't even in a relationship when she said she was really jealous of me...she has made everything seem like a competition now, trying to one-up me in any other aspect she can & I just am not that type of person to treat a relationship like that..so I had to ignore the entire situation.  I don't know, its a crazy situation & I think a lot of people have bridesmaid issues, so I would just move on & ignore the situation.  Be involved with more of the people that lift up your spirits & get you excited about the wedding....if you think about the person who brings you down then it will ruin this once in a lifetime experience!  Good luck!