MOH Vent

kpabda23

I asked my friend many months ago to be my co-MOH, but she has since gotten engaged and become a completely different person. She does this every time she meets a new guy - like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, she doesn't know who she is except in relation to who she is with. She constantly bails on plans with me personally and for "couples" events, even if she is the one who planned them and has no good reason except "I fell asleep" even though I called and texted both her and her FI at least a dozen times that evening trying to figure out if they were coming. I think we have talked maybe a dozen times in the more than seven months since she got engaged and it has nearly always been about her wedding. I understand that her wedding is before mine and she has just as much to do, but I can't even get a response from her when I try to text or fb message her.

We have had some conflicts as well: FI and I are getting married at his parents house and almost immediately after we made this decision she contacted FI and I to ask if we thought she and her FI could get married there as well. I was shocked! If it were a public venue that is generally used for weddings, I wouldn't care, but this is FI's family home (3 generations) and she has no connection other than living down the street. Obviously we, and FI's parents, said no, but the complete lack of etiquette to even ask left me speechless. Also, my mother is a caterer and she asked her to do the food for their large reception, but seemed to be under the impression that my mother would do this for her for free. She keeps whining that food is SO expensive and she doesn't know if she can afford  to get what she wants. I want to tell her that she needs to forget what she wants and think about what they can afford instead of trying to take advantage of my mother who is running a business, not a charity.

I know there is no nice way to give someone the boot from your bridal party, but I just want to step down from her WP and have her step down from mine. I know that continuing to try to work with her when she doesn't make any effort will just drive me crazy and I am already on edge with work, school, house-hunting, and wedding planning.

bethsmiles

Unless you want to end the friendship you can't ask her to step down from your bridal party. My advice would be to give her some space and don't talk about wedding stuff with her anymore. When it comes to the catering your mom will deal with her, you shouldn't be doing that. And I don't think it was that rude to ask if she could get married at your FI's home, it sounds a little weird she would ask but what did it really hurt? You should just get over that.

Your wedding is still a few months away, things could change a lot in that time. I also think you should just talk to her about her ditching you when the two of you have plans. Calmly explain to her that it is not only frustrating but that it is hurtful. She may not realize that she is doing that.

mehgan11

Alot of people are going to say to not listen to me or that this is bad advice, but here you go.
It is your wedding if you  feel she is not supporting you enough or even being a good friend to you, you have the option of asking her to step down. 
Yes she may not be happy but you chose her for a reason I am assuming, you wanted her to help support you through a stressful planning. Planning a wedding is very stressful.
I have looked up the traditional roles of bridesmaids/MOH and there roles are to support you and help you. Not meaning they drop everythign for you, but you choose your bridesmaids because you feel that person can ease the burden of doing things that you FI cant help you with, choosing a dress for you your bridesmaids.  Helping you deocrate.  They should want to give you your partys, they should want to be there for thoses, and most of all they should still be your friend through all of this.

vicki0508

I agree 100% with Retread.  Just to emphasize, if you need "support" to plan your wedding, you're doing it wrong.  It's supposed to be a fun party, if you're finding it too stressful, then you need to scale it back into something you can manage.

Your MOH is busy, you're busy, it's fine to not talk as much as you used to.  Don't demote her, and don't back out of her wedding.  All MOHs and BMs are required to do is buy the dress and stand up at the wedding.  If that's too stressful for you to handle, then you must have some other serious issues.

SirJuliusVonHaast

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-vent-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:82043628-303c-422e-9751-399b7ff6349ePost:3a4c3562-e8c0-4775-8b1c-cf1bc667fa99">Re: MOH Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]Alot of people are going to say to not listen to me or that this is bad advice, but here you go. It is your wedding if you  feel she is not supporting you enough or even being a good friend to you, you have the option of asking her to step down.  
Posted by mehgan11[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, it's true. You do have the option of asking her to step down. However, it's considered a friendship-ending move to do this. If you don't want to have a relationship with this person in the future, you can absolutely kick her out of the wedding party. However, if you think there's a chance you will be friends or even see her often in the future, you shouldn't do it. </div>

mehgan11

bridesmaid - definition

a girl or young woman who helps a bride before and during her wedding
http://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/bridesmaid

^^^
So yes bridesmaid does mean help, no one said they are unpaid staff. Bridesmaids are there to help play a supporting role in the wedding.
There are certian things that one's fiance should not be doing, (1) picking out the wedding dress, traditionally the groom should not see the bride in the dress before the wedding it brings forth bad luck inthe marriage.  if you want to honor these friends with being ther for a milestone in your life, don't you think these friends should be wanting to help you out with this important milestone. (2) Should the groom be picking out the bridesmaids dresses, no. He does not know what style may look good on the women.  They should be helping with that, and be willing to compromise on a dress the bride and the other women like.
No one is saying these women, your friends are unpaid staff but they are there to help assist you in your wedding traditionally.

Kniblet

[QUOTE](1) picking out the wedding dress, traditionally the groom should not see the bride in the dress before the wedding it brings forth bad luck inthe marriage.  if you want to honor these friends with being ther for a milestone in your life, don't you think these friends should be wanting to help you out with this important milestone. [/QUOTE]
Taking a mother or sister works just fine.  No one said the maids HAVE to help.  I picked my dress all by myself.  Too many opinions drives me nuts.

[QUOTE](2) Should the groom be picking out the bridesmaids dresses, no. He does not know what style may look good on the women.  They should be helping with that, and be willing to compromise on a dress the bride and the other women like. No one is saying these women, your friends are unpaid staff but they are there to help assist you in your wedding traditionally.
Posted by mehgan11[/QUOTE]
The Maids SHOULD be picking out their own attire.  No one said otherwise.  But that's not HELPING the bride.    That's choosing their own clothing.   And it matters more what the MAIDS want to wear, not what the bride THINKS they should wear.

Typically, whenever someone comes here saying a Maid isn't helping, it's due to the Maid not wanting to go to all of the meetings and talk about the wedding non stop.  Your FI should be going to those meetings and planning with you, not the ladies.  And if he doesn't care, take someone else IF they want to go.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-vent-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:82043628-303c-422e-9751-399b7ff6349ePost:27af5a08-6daa-4599-a030-bf44eacd7a2e">Re: MOH Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]bridesmaid  - definition a girl or young woman who helps a bride before and during her wedding <a href="http://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/bridesmaid" rel="nofollow">http://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/bridesmaid</a> ^^^ So yes bridesmaid does mean help, no one said they are unpaid staff. Bridesmaids are there to help play a supporting role in the wedding. There are certian things that one's fiance should not be doing, (1) picking out the wedding dress, traditionally the groom should not see the bride in the dress before the wedding it brings forth bad luck inthe marriage.  if you want to honor these friends with being ther for a milestone in your life, don't you think these friends should be wanting to help you out with this important milestone. (2) Should the groom be picking out the bridesmaids dresses, no. He does not know what style may look good on the women.  They should be helping with that, and be willing to compromise on a dress the bride and the other women like. No one is saying these women, your friends are unpaid staff but they are there to help assist you in your wedding traditionally.
Posted by mehgan11[/QUOTE]

Meghan, that quote has been used at least a thousand times on this board.  You are not the first to post something like this.   BM "duties" are driven by an industry, the wedding industry.  They sell stuff.  To you.  You are being manipulated by that very industy.  Someone should never, ever, ask a WP member to "step down" for failing to follow a set of imaginary rules.

sarah42nd

And all these websites define a BM as a  DAY OF position .

Brides-Maid - n. A woman who atttends on a bride at her wedding (Websters Revised Unabridged Dictionary, 19967)

http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861592671/bridesmaid.html

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bridesmaid

http://www.answers.com/topic/bridesmaid

aerinpegadrak

The "maid" in bridesmaid is short for "maiden," as in unmarried woman.  It is not short for "maidservant."  Forget about the titles, remember that this is supposed to be your closest friend, and go from there.  Your wedding is four hours out of your life.  You're going to need friends well beyond that.

mehgan11

I ind it funny how a good portion of people attack someones comment because they do not agree with what the person says.  I am assuming this board was intended for people to through around there ideas give advice bsed on there opinion and then let the poster decide from there.  I doubt the intentions were to attack a persons opinion or thought. 
I have red through so many posts and people are misconstruing and tearing apart the OP's orignal statement.  Then, people are going forth to attack a comment a person may have said because they do not agree with it.

sarah42nd

No one is attacking anyone. Its all in the way YOU read it. If  you read it way  then thats your issue .  There are so many girls/guys who  get on heer with the thoughts about how they see a wedding 'on tv'. All the PPs are trying to do is save the girl some trouble down the road .

Muffin'sMom

Meghan is correct....sort of.

You CAN remove a friend from your wedding party.  If you do so you will need to remember that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. 

The reaction?  You will end your friendship.  People WILL talk about you.  Trust me, she will tell everyone in your town what a giant bridzilla and horrible person you are.  She will tell her version of whatever happens and you will look like a huge PITA.

So, it's up to you.  The other question is this...if she is this awful, why are you friends with her?

saric83

OP - If you feel that strongly about it, maybe just talk with her about you dropping out of her wedding and see what she says.  If you're comfortable with it, leave the decision to stay in your wedding entirely up to her.  Every single circumstance is different, and there is much that we don't know, so we can only help give you general suggestions that might be the best for most people, but in the end, you should just do what you and your FI feel comfortable with, regardless of what anyone on here says.  I have never been asked to drop out of a WP, but I did drop out of my friend's WP, and it did NOT ruin our friendship! Good luck!