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Bridezilla Vent (sorry it's a little long)

So this is more of a vent than asking advise, but if you have any insight or suggestions even if it is harsh, please chime in, I just need some perspective.

My best friend (my MOH in my November wedding) is getting married. She is getting married on July 17th 2011. She has 4 BMs and 1 MOH (her sister), she had us all go look for dresses on Saturday. She picked places all around the state, so we spent 3/4 of the day in the car. She wants us all in either the same dress or in a set of dresses (all in the same series but just slightly diffrent designs) The dresses that were in the series are so ugly and I am a size 24, and none of these dress would look good on my body type and some of the other girls have said that they would like straps on their dresses or halters and these are all strapless. I think the problem is that my friend has a "vision" for the wedding and she really isn't thinking about anything else. Plus the MOH is her sister and she is tiny and looks great in all of the dresses. By the way the dresses are all $250+ and she has never asked us what we would be willing to spend.

After this last shopping trip we all agreed we would pick up looking for dresses next year, but I come home yesterday to a long facebook message to all of the BMs saying that she wants us all to go to 2 specific shops and pick out which dress in the series we want to wear and we need to coordinate with her MOH, oh yeah and it needs to be done preferably by the end of December, January 7th at the latest.

She is getting married July 17th and we need to pick out our dresses by the begining of January, why? She says they were told that any later and we will have trouble getting alterations done at prom time. I honestly don't know if I will have that kind of money right after Christmas and I feel like she has a long list of demands that are kind of unreasonable ( a shower for 100+ people, a b-party for 25-30 people) and she isn't getting married for 7 months. For all I know I could be pregnant by then.

Any suggestions on how I should approach her to talk about it, or am I just being to overemotional about all of this?

Re: Bridezilla Vent (sorry it's a little long)

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    edited December 2011
    I would tell her exactly what you told us. Explain to her your requests for the dress, that you want to be comfortable in it and you don't think that will happen with the dresses she has picked out. As for the money issue $250 is a lot of money to be spending at this time of year. Are any of the other BM's feeling the way you are about the money??

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    edited December 2011
    Yeah, 2 of the other BMs I talk to on a fairly regular basis, and 1 is quitting work to go back to school full time to get her masters and will be living off of her savings. and the other one just bought a condo so money is tight. The MOH is also going to school during the day and only wokring partime, and planning her own wedding in 2 years, so I can't imagine she has tons of money to throw around either.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridezilla-vent-sorry-its-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:83a09214-78e4-49d4-adff-5477707ebc8fPost:56cfb933-ac36-4284-8490-6808b29f2a9a">Bridezilla Vent (sorry it's a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So this is more of a vent than asking advise, but if you have any insight or suggestions even if it is harsh, please chime in, I just need some perspective. My best friend (my MOH in my November wedding) is getting married. She is getting married on July 17th 2011. She has 4 BMs and 1 MOH (her sister), she had us all go look for dresses on Saturday. She picked places all around the state, so we spent 3/4 of the day in the car. She wants us all in either the same dress or in a set of dresses (all in the same series but just slightly diffrent designs) The dresses that were in the series are so ugly and I am a size 24, and none of these dress would look good on my body type and some of the other girls have said that they would like straps on their dresses or halters and these are all strapless. I think the problem is that my friend has a "vision" for the wedding and she really isn't thinking about anything else. Plus the MOH is her sister and she is tiny and looks great in all of the dresses. By the way the dresses are all $250+ and she has never asked us what we would be willing to spend. After this last shopping trip we all agreed we would pick up looking for dresses next year, but I come home yesterday to a long facebook message to all of the BMs saying that she wants us all to go to 2 specific shops and pick out which dress in the series we want to wear and we need to coordinate with her MOH, oh yeah and it needs to be done preferably by the end of December, January 7th at the latest. She is getting married July 17th and we need to pick out our dresses by the begining of January, why? She says they were told that any later and we will have trouble getting alterations done at prom time. I honestly don't know if I will have that kind of money right after Christmas and<strong> I feel like she has a long list of demands that are kind of unreasonable ( a shower for 100+ people, a b-party for 25-30 people) and she isn't getting married for 7 months</strong>. For all I know I could be pregnant by then. Any suggestions on how I should approach her to talk about it, or am I just being to overemotional about all of this?
    Posted by kellyb1487[/QUOTE]

    The Bride does NOT get a say in how you or anyone for that matter plan (optional) parties like the Shower or Bacherolette party. Basically, whoever wants to hosts a party gets to the make the rules on how many guests can come. If that isn't the Bride's "vision" too bad. All parties are optional and are never required by anyone to host. If you and the other BMs (along with the MOH) need to come together and discuss what everyone's budget is (if they even want to contribute) and go from the their. The Bride does not get to invite 100+ people to a Shower, that is ridiculous (and don't let her get you tied up by saying only X number will show up), you tell HER how many people she gets to invite. Same goes for the Bachelorette party, who ever host has the say on how many people can be invited NOT the Bride. If she can't understand that you need to point her to theKnot boards because obviously her judgement is out of wack.

    As for the BM dresses, you just need to have an open conversation with her about your finances ( I would ask the other BMs how they feel about being the price tag, because getting a number of girls on your side to make the bride realize that her "vision" is not realistic when it comes to<em> other</em> people's money. ) Good luck, I hope your friend gets over the wedding crazies she is obviously having.
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    edited December 2011
    I am getting married on July 17th and all I have done so far with BM dresses is to ask if knee length is okay and what kind of straps/top they like. 

    Have an open and honest conversation with your friend about the dress.  You can't afford these dresses, also you really need straps on your dress and a dress that fits. 

    When I asked one of my BMs, who is VERY busty about the dress, she looked me straight in eye and said, I NEED straps.  I said okay, and strapless has been out the window ever since. 

    I would also have this conversation as soon as possible, waiting will make things worse.  GL!
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    jerseydeviljerseydevil member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow! If I were you, I would be running in the opposite direction as fast as possible! What a bridezilla.
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    edited December 2011
    Ditto PPs.  Showers and b-parties get planned by the host(s) not the bride, and should be what they can afford.  If she doesn't like the shower or party you, or whoever hosts, can offer, she doesn't get one.  Too bad; so sad.

    Tell her what you said above, and if she refuses to budge, tell her you're really sorry but you just can't be in her wedding.  Maybe it'll be a wake-up call.
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    edited December 2011
      Like everyone else has said, your friend is being unreasonable. And she certainly has no right to tell people how to plan her shower or b party. I would explain to her that you're uncomfortable spending that much money on a dress, especially so close to the holidays. She should understand that $250 is a lot to ask anyone to spend on a dress that you'll probably only wear once. If not, I'd probably just explain to her that while she is an important friend you can't afford to be a part of her WP.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridezilla-vent-sorry-its-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:83a09214-78e4-49d4-adff-5477707ebc8fPost:b992f467-9d41-400c-b3cc-4ced2179b785">Re: Bridezilla Vent (sorry it's a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow! If I were you, I would be running in the opposite direction as fast as possible! What a bridezilla.
    Posted by jerseydevil[/QUOTE]
    I agree with Jersey Devil. This is a very demanding bride and I'll bet this is only the beginning. But if you decide to stick it out:

    You should let the bride know, right away, that the dress is beyond your budget. She actually should have asked each of you privately for your budgets and worked within the lowest range. And you should let her know that you are not comfortable with any of the styles.

    Showers and bps are strictly voluntary. The bms are not obligated to throw them.The hostess(es) get to determine the size and type of shower/bp party, since they are paying for it.

    You should send the bride to this board or the wedding party board to get some advice, before she offends everyone.

    Good luck.
                       
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    Monica622Monica622 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Have you checked out this site: WeddingtonWay.com?  It's an online boutique for bridesmaid dresses.  You can complete the purchasing process through the site--eliminates the hassle of traveling from store to store by foot!

    I know i'm off topic here, but perhaps you can recommend this site to your friend (who seems like a complete bridezilla!)?  I got my bridesmaid dresses from here, and it was SO simple and they were WONDERFUL to work with. They sent me large swatches of the color/fabrics that i wanted to see, and best of all, it was super easy for my bridesmaids (they are scattered around the country, so there was no way we could all get together at one time...so this was a great solution for us)  They even have a ranking tool that you can use, if you want your bridesmaids to rank their favorite styles within your selection of dresses!  Anyway, worth checking out.  Reasonable prices (my bridesmaids paid 158 total for their dresses) and super cute.
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    SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridezilla-vent-sorry-its-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:83a09214-78e4-49d4-adff-5477707ebc8fPost:870f4335-ed20-4365-95ac-215fccfedd3f">Re: Bridezilla Vent (sorry it's a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]If I were you, I'd drop out of this train wreck now. Tell her that you can't afford this dress, and see no need to order a gown that will hang in your closet for eight months. Salons work on commission and the consultants have quotas to meet or they'll lose their job. They want that order now. Tell her this. She doesn't need to shop for attire until February or March. Get out now before this costs you more money you can't afford.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    This. What she's asking is completely and utterly ridiculous. I'd get myself out now before the shiz hits the fan.
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    lalap69lalap69 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She's being unreasonable, but you knew that already.  As I see it, you have a couple of choices.

    Option #1: Talk to her.
    This is the option I recommend.  Explain to her that you've checked out both of these dresses and that while you appreciate that she has a wedding vision, you're concerned with both the look of the dress and the cost.  Tell her that you love her, but that this just isn't feasible for you.  And no, dresses don't need to be ordered that early.  I'm getting married July 16 and we haven't even finalized dress choices yet.  She's your friend.  You should be able to tell her how you feel.

    Option #2:  Drop out of the WP.
    If you just don't want to deal with her craziness and unreasonable demands anymore, you can choose not to be a part of the WP.  This might be the best choice if she's really lost her head to the bridezilla monster.  At the same time, if she's that far gone she's probably going to get really mad at you for it.

    Option #3:  Suck it up and deal.
    If you don't want to deal with any kind of confrontation and you don't want to leave the WP, then this is your only other option.  I think it's pretty crappy as options go, but it's the option that most people I know would take, so I'm including it.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridezilla-vent-sorry-its-little-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:83a09214-78e4-49d4-adff-5477707ebc8fPost:ee4c7c74-4be1-4fd1-84a2-d3b0b34fcb56">Re: Bridezilla Vent (sorry it's a little long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]She's being unreasonable, but you knew that already.  As I see it, you have a couple of choices. Option #1: Talk to her. This is the option I recommend.  Explain to her that you've checked out both of these dresses and that while you appreciate that she has a wedding vision, you're concerned with both the look of the dress and the cost.  Tell her that you love her, but that this just isn't feasible for you.  And no, dresses don't need to be ordered that early.  I'm getting married July 16 and we haven't even finalized dress choices yet.  She's your friend.  You should be able to tell her how you feel. Option #2:  Drop out of the WP. If you just don't want to deal with her craziness and unreasonable demands anymore, you can choose not to be a part of the WP.  This might be the best choice if she's really lost her head to the bridezilla monster.  At the same time, if she's that far gone she's probably going to get really mad at you for it. Option #3:  Suck it up and deal. If you don't want to deal with any kind of confrontation and you don't want to leave the WP, then this is your only other option.  I think it's pretty crappy as options go, but it's the option that most people I know would take, so I'm including it.
    Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

    This...you're going to have to pick something and live with the consequences.  I would have added hitting her repeatedly with a baseball bat til she came to her senses...but I'm old and cranky.
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    Juliann_PJuliann_P member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No harsh words, I promise.  I would have to agree with previous posts.  The bride doesn't really get to dictate details regarding the bridal shower and the bachelorette party.  So, she needs to really back down on that aspect.  Now to address the bridesmaids dresses.  I am currently planning a wedding for 7/9/11, and I am in a wedding 6/4/11.  Due to the fact that all my bridesmaids are dispersed throughout the U.S., I was instructed to place the complete order by mid January.  By placing the complete order at this time, I would be ensured that: 1.) all dresses would be cut from the same roll of material, 2.) all dresses would ship to each bridesmaid in ample time for alterations, 3.) as well as provide ample amount of time to correct any snafus that may occur before the wedding.  As for the cost of dresses, I think we can all agree that being in a wedding can be a financial burden.  When you accept being part of someone's wedding, you do accept the financial burden that comes with it.  If you can't afford it, it is definitely something that needs to be brought to the bride's attention.  PLEASE PAY ATTENTION to this part, because I know that last couple of lines came of nasty.  I believe your bride really should have done her research on the prices those dresses ahead of time.  If she saw several sets of dresses she liked that were in the 250 range (before alterations), she should have discussed that "minor" detail with her party months before attempting to place an order.  We can all agree that Dec and Jan are times of the year when everyone is pretty strapped for cash.  My bridesmaids dresses range between 190-210 (before alterations).  I not only discussed the price range with my girls, but I also allowed them to pick their dresses from a range of dresses in the same color and material.  By giving them the choice to pick their dress, as well as notified them of the price of the dress in August.  (lol)  Yep, in August.  I know that seems incredibly early, but I wanted to make sure that I didn't end up with bridesmaids that are upset like you.  I understand it is important to have a vision of a day, but an image can not be accomplished if the girls don't feel sexy and sassy in the dress they are in.  Just being honest. 
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    edited December 2011
    She thinks she is on Platnium Weddings. Ask her if she is hiring right now so you can afford to be a bridesmaid. She is supposed to make everything reasonbly priced. I had a couple of bridesmaids who are having a hard time financially, so I paid for their dresses. No questions asked.
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    gailpetegailpete member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Yes your friend is making a number of mistakes in relation to her bridal party and I'm assuming she didn't learn this behavior from you.

    She should have asked each of you separately what your budget and style preference were for the dress and either looked for dresses in that style and price range or offered to pay the difference herself.

    The WP is not required to give a shower or b-party, and if they decide to do so, they set the budget, venue and number of guests.  The bride can provide input on who is on the guest list, within the number of guests decided on by the party host.

    If she truly is your best friend you should be able to sit down and calmly talk to her and see if you can come to an agreement.  If not, you may need to drop out of the wedding party.

    Good luck.
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    nannewmurnannewmur member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I would decline ASAP.

    If I didn't know any better, I would say this was written by my DD who went through almost the exact same thing.  Was asked to be MH, told she could pick one of three dress options, she is a size 22 and the other two 15 y.o attendants are size 2.  Bride picked strapless, unflattering dress (you know it is bad when sales lady looks at her in the dress and says "Oh, Honey, no, you can't wear those dresses!"  DD was told she didn't have to order dress until first of Jan for May wedding.

    Bridezilla calls the Sunday before Labor Day and asked her if she is coming in town for the holiday because she needs to order her dress then.  This was two days after DD paid out over $4000 in tuition, books.  After thinking for two days, she called bride up and bride gave this speech that her wedding will be the most important day in DD's life. She ended up telling bride she had decided not to be in it.  Bride was in total shock but, as I told DD, now is time to back out, giving bride 8 months notice and before dress is ordered.

    If you decide to be in wedding, ask about the cost of alterations because dresses usually must be altered.  It was going to cost DD over $200 to have alterations in addition to the dress.

    Good luck with your decision and please let us know what you decide!

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    LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Everyone has said pretty much what I was thinking about the cost/attitude/etc., the only thing not too many people have addressed is the time frame. For every wedding I've been in we ordered our dresses about 6 months out, which meant that they came in about 2-3 months before the wedding, which gave us enough time if we need alterations, etc. And also gives you time if something goes horribly wrong with the order. I don't think her time frame is so unreasonable, just because that's the time frame that I've been given every time I've been a bridesmaid, and that's the time frame most planning websites/books recommend, but it does stink that it's around Christmas. I think that the high cost of the dress is probably more prohibitive than the time frame... but just so you know, ordering your dress 6 months ahead is fairly usual.
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    edited December 2011

    I'm really sorry you're stuck in such a shitastic situation.

    Yes, a bride has every right to *request* certain things from her bridal party in terms of what to wear, whether it be picking out a single dress for everyone, or setting certain parameters (length, color, brand, etc.) and letting her BMs pick what they want.

    That being said, the fact that she did not consult any of you about a) what price range you could afford, and b) what you all would feel comfortable wearing, is pretty damn rude. Unfortunately, your only two options there are to say something to her about it, or suck it up.

    Every dress chain is different, so six months turn-around time from order to wedding day might be reasonable, depending on what store she's going through. All I can tell you is that we're going through David's Bridal, and I was told three months would be plenty of time to get dresses in and altered for our April wedding.

    As for showers, bachelorette parties, etc...those are optional. They are optional gifts from whomever chooses to hostess them. She has no say over the parameters of said party, other than to let you know who should be included. Even that is subject to adjustment by you (say, she wants to invite everyone she knows...you have every right to tell her what you are able to do - say, party for 30 - and have her adjust accordingly). You should do what you feel comfortable doing, within whatever budget you are able to do it.

    If I were in your situation, I would sit down with my friend and explain to her that a) I can't afford the dress she selected and b) I don't feel comfortable in it physically. Ask if perhaps you can find another dress that you do feel comfortable with that is a similar style/color. If she continues to pull bridezilla moves, I would politely inform her that I am unable to be a part of her bridal party, but I would be honored to attend as a guest.

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    flerlgirlflerlgirl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm in a similar situation, sans the issues with the showers and everything. I am thinking of dropping out, mostly because I feel like the bride isn't going to change her mind (she already knows I can't afford the dress) and I feel like it might be smoother for everyone if I am in charge of the guest book or something instead. I haven't decided yet, but I am interested to see what you decide! Good luck.
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