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Moms and Maids

Choosing a Bridesmaid-Weird?

Our wedding is in 5 months and my fiance just said he'd like to add another groomsman to the bridal party, a good friend of his who he'd thought about asking before, but due to his friend's busy schedule thought he wouldn't bother him with the typical groomsman duties. After meeting up with me last week he decided that he really did want to ask his friend and asked me if that was ok. I'm totally fine with it. The issue is that we want an equal number of maids and men, and I'm a pretty busy, quiet person with tons of great acquaintances, but not a lot of close close friends. I was thinking of asking my friend Becca to be a bridesmaid to even out the party (and I absolutely LOVE her. She's AWESOME!). The thing is, I only see and talk to her about once a week during our Bible study and seldom go out together outside of that time (We both of completely opposite schedules). Would it be weird to ask her to be a bridesmaid? I think she's great, but worry that it'll come out of no where to her, and seem really bizarre, especially since I've already chosen bridesmaids. If it doesn't seem weird, how should I ask her without making it seem like she's just a place-filler? The initial reason she's being asked is because she is filling a place, but she would definitely be wanted as more than an extra body. Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Re: Choosing a Bridesmaid-Weird?

  • edited December 2011
    She will feel like a space-filler, because that's what she will be.  There is no good way to ask her without making her feel that way.  That's why you're having trouble with the question.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-bridesmaid-weird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84bea472-2a7a-4c75-b190-2c3c04a31d17Post:7bcce1b7-d10f-4cb9-b571-339b102191b6">Choosing a Bridesmaid-Weird?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our wedding is in 5 months and my fiance just said he'd like to add another groomsman to the bridal party, a good friend of his who he'd thought about asking before, but due to his friend's busy schedule thought he wouldn't bother him with the typical groomsman duties. After meeting up with me last week he decided that he really did want to ask his friend and asked me if that was ok. I'm totally fine with it. <strong>The issue is that we want an equal number of maids and men, </strong>and I'm a pretty busy, quiet person with tons of great acquaintances, but not a lot of close close friends. I was thinking of asking my friend Becca to be a bridesmaid to even out the party (and I absolutely LOVE her. She's AWESOME!). The thing is, I only see and talk to her about once a week during our Bible study and seldom go out together outside of that time (We both of completely opposite schedules). Would it be weird to ask her to be a bridesmaid? I think she's great, but worry that it'll come out of no where to her, and seem really bizarre, especially since I've already chosen bridesmaids. If it doesn't seem weird, how should I ask her without making it seem like she's just a place-filler? The initial reason she's being asked is because she is filling a place, but she would definitely be wanted as more than an extra body. Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
    Posted by Jenny98002[/QUOTE]

    See the bolded part.
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-bridesmaid-weird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:84bea472-2a7a-4c75-b190-2c3c04a31d17Post:7bcce1b7-d10f-4cb9-b571-339b102191b6">Choosing a Bridesmaid-Weird?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our wedding is in 5 months and my fiance just said he'd like to add another groomsman to the bridal party, a good friend of his who he'd thought about asking before, but due to his friend's busy schedule thought he wouldn't bother him with the typical groomsman duties. After meeting up with me last week he decided that he really did want to ask his friend and asked me if that was ok. I'm totally fine with it. The issue is that we want an equal number of maids and men, and I'm a pretty busy, quiet person with tons of great acquaintances, but not a lot of close close friends. I was thinking of asking my friend Becca to be a bridesmaid to even out the party (and I absolutely LOVE her. She's AWESOME!). The thing is, I only see and talk to her about once a week during our Bible study and seldom go out together outside of that time (We both of completely opposite schedules). Would it be weird to ask her to be a bridesmaid? I think she's great, but worry that it'll come out of no where to her, and seem really bizarre, especially since I've already chosen bridesmaids. If it doesn't seem weird,<strong> how should I ask her without making it seem like she's just a place-filler? The initial reason she's being asked is because she is filling a place,</strong> but she would definitely be wanted as more than an extra body. Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
    Posted by Jenny98002[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I really really wouldn't ask her. If you actually wanted her in the wedding you would have asked a long time ago. I don't get why people are so scared of uneven side, it's fine, no one notices, and pictures turn out just fine. </div><div>
    </div><div>Sadly, there isn't a special wording out there that is not going to give her the impression of a "filler" unless she doesn't know that you have already picked your BMs. Basically if your going to do it, just tell her that "you've gotten so close that you really want her to be apart of your day" and hopefully she won't think she's a filler. Because really she IS one because if you actually wanted her in the WP originally you wouldn't have let even sides stopped you.

    </div>
  • twilight.rosetwilight.rose member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs. I wouldn't ask her since your primary reason seems to be that you want even sides. Invite her as a guest. That's an honor in and of itself.

    Uneven sides will look fine. We had uneven sides, and I had a bridesman, and nobody gave it a second thought.
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If "filling a spot" is anywhere on the list of reasons why someone is being asked to be a BM, even if it's the very last reason on a very long list, they shouldn't be asked.  No one likes to be treated as a prop.
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  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    5 months out is not unheard of for asking a BM, and, as you said, you enjoy and appreciate her company. If she knows that you've already chosen your WP then it might be a little weird, and she might feel odd about it...

    I would say if you're just purely looking for someone to fill the space then maybe don't ask her. But if you truly feel that you do have a connection with her, maybe it's only a once a week connection, and that you consider her among your good friends (which, a steady once a week hang out / study group is a pretty solid thing) and you feel that you've actually gotten closer to her as a person than when you asked your original WP... then go for it. If it's really just to fill a space, and you haven't gotten any closer to her during the time you've spent with her (like, if you've known her for years and you two don't actually talk about personal stuff), then it would probably be better to just start googling pictures of uneven wedding parties and getting excited about that idea.
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  • edited December 2011
    I asked my brother's longtime girlfriend to be a BM about three months after I asked my other bridesmaids. I wanted to ask her originally (I liked her a lot, considered her a friend, and I knew she was - and would continue to be - an important person to my brother and our family), but I wasn't sure how she would feel about it (we had only recently begun growing close). After asking my brother what he thought about it, I ended up asking her and she said yes. I'm so glad she did, because we have truly grown so much closer over the last few months (I consider her one of my dearest friends) and now I can't imagine not having her in our wedding.

    That being said...I think there's a big difference between asking someone after-the-fact because you've grown close to them, and asking someone after-the-fact because you need a space to be filled. If making your sides even is the primary reason behind asking her, then you shouldn't ask her. It's not fair to her or your friendship to be a "space filler".

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-bridesmaid-weird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:84bea472-2a7a-4c75-b190-2c3c04a31d17Post:0b74b596-981c-4ed4-aa37-431ff4633d89">Re: Choosing a Bridesmaid-Weird?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The only people who are at a wedding to be paired up are the bride and groom. i don't know where couples get this "even sides" business. When you look at your wedding album in twenty years, will you see the loving faces of friends? Or will you count heads to see how many folks are in the photo, and calculate bride vs groom ratios?
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

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  • edited December 2011
    I was in a wedding where I was pretty much a space filler and I knew it.  I was not asked last minute but I was asked by my cousin to ber in her wedding.  Her and I were not close at the time and are not any closer now than we were then.  It was very obvious to me that I was a space filler but I could not say no, she was my cousin.  So if you really aren't as close to this girl as your other bridesmaids I wouldn't ask her just to fill a space.
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  • KateG528KateG528 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I had a similar situation a few weeks ago. I have 3 bridesmaids, and one of them had to step down because she is going to be half way across the country with her SIL who is having a baby during the week of my wedding and her parents are flying in from out of the country so it was all really bad timing.  I asked my cousin who I am really close to because I really wanted to keep 3 bridesmaids, however when I chose bridesmaids to begin with I had expressed to my cousin that I really wanted to ask her, but 3 was really all the bridesmaids I could have and with my 2 best friends and my sister, I couldnt have her and she had agreed to help in other ways because we are close and shes been a part all along. She is not a place filler and she knows that even though she was added later.  

    If you only want another bridesmaid to fill a spot, then dont get another one. Even sides is not necessary, I wanted 3 because 3 is our lucky number, but I wanted my cousin from the start so it all worked out the way it was supposed to for me. 
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  • edited December 2011
          My FSIL asked me to be her bridesmaid when my FI and I had only been dating 8 months, she was honest she said she didn't have many close friends but she really wanted to try to work on a friendship. I thought it was a bit odd at the time but I thought she was very nice and my boyfriend was the best man so I said yes. Five years later we have become very close and she will be a bridesmaid at my wedding! Just be honest and make sure you leave her the clear option to say no!!
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  • edited December 2011
    Groomsman duties?
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  • KJ7985KJ7985 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Just...don't. It's an expense to be a bridesmaid (dress, hair, makeup, accessories, gifts, pre-wedding parties) and, let's face it, she is a space-filler. If she was that good of a friend, you would have asked her in the first place. I would just deal with uneven sides, it's no big deal and no one will think twice about it!
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  • edited December 2011
    I know this is a week late, but I disagree with what everyone else is saying... look at it this way. Your FI is asking someone to stand with him, five months away from the wedding... do you think that the guy is going to feel like "Ohh I wonder if I'm just filling a space"? If you put yourself in the mindset like you were thinking of asking this girl and just decided now to do it, like your FI did with his friend, it might be easier to come up with a way to ask that doesn't make it sound like she's just filling a space. Don't mention the rest of the bridal party, or the new addition on the guys' side at all. 
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