Guess I'm the cheap one...am I in the wrong??

AL8098

So here's the deal, one of my BM's is getting married this year and me and my FI are standing up in their wedding in October.

The rest of the girls in the wedding are sort of a little click that have been hanging out on and off for years (although I never know who is going to be friends with who from day to day) and I'm the odd one out....from another town and met through our guys.

Anyways wedding shower planning has started for her.  She picked the date, the place, the theme, what kind of food she wants, the games, etc. Her MOH has started asking us about figuring out plans, gifts, etc just recently...the shower is in July.  I haven't had to plan many showers but the ones I have, the girls got together and agreed upon a set amount we each would chip in and shower expenses would come out of that and what was left we used to spend on a gift.  So I suggested this to these girls since some were already trying to figure out what we should get as a gift before anything else about this shower.  My suggestion was $50 (that gives us $400) to work with.  I then got responses about girls being able to give up to $100.  My FI and I have 7 weddings this year including our own and standing up in this one.  I apologized to the other girls but let them know that my budget allows $50 for this shower (we still have the bachelorette party a different day to pay for as well) and its like I wasn't even heard.  One girl even mentioned how HER girls threw her a shower and got her a Coach purse and gift card.  And there's also been mention of starting a shower fund kiddie but then making the food yet out of our own pocket. I really have to stick to my budget, which to me, seems more than reasonable.....how do I do this without being the cheap, pain in the a** BM??

**On a side note this bride is already not happy with me b/c I can't get a mani/pedi with the rest of the girls the Friday before her wedding.  Another BM of mine who I've known since kindergarten planned her wedding that Friday and I'm going to her ceremony instead.  It didn't go over well, but I did promise to make it back to town in time for rehearsal/rehearsal dinner Friday night.

em01092

No, you are not in the wrong. You are doing what you can afford and are making time for another friend's wedding. If this bride is upset with you about that, then she is not being a good friend. Mani/pedis are a fun pre-wedding ritual, yes, but not required. As long as you are there for the rehearsal and the wedding, that's all you need to do. 

As for the shower deal, that too is not even required. Hosting/giving gifts is just that....a gift. We all know its more or less expected, but you still cannot demand gifts. I think you were more than reasonable in your offer. Stick to your budget and let the other girls know this is what you can afford. What other BMs had done for them is not relevant to this situation. If you still have other parties to pitch in for, then you definitely don't need to give in. 

Some brides just seem to think that their BMs lives cease to exist after they become attendants and this is the furthest thing from the truth. Brides should be accommodating and understanding of BMs situations. 2 of my girls will be in school 4 hours away from our wedding location, so I have already told them we will work something out to do a separate graduation/girl's night out/last hoorah thing and that way it will sort of be like a bachelorette party. I told them that they will obviously be invited to showers, parties, etc but as long as they show up Friday for the rehearsal and Sat for the wedding, I understand. 

deepcovejackie

You are SO not in the wrong here!  Sounds like you're doing all you can.  Don't stress over it, and be firm with your budget.  It doesn't make you a bad BM or a bad friend.

shipsinthenight

No worries here, you are totally in the right. $50 for a shower is totally reasonable. I'm sorry your bride doesn't seem to understand you have another life, but try talking to her about your situation. Let her know how many friends you have getting married and that you want to support her as much as possible, but that in order to support everyone and still eat and have a roof, you have to stick to your budget. Hopefully she will be considerate of you and your other friends and make an exception, but her other BMs in place or whatever. My BF who's getting married next month had no say in where her shower was or what we served. She picked one game, but she's on the other side of the country, so her sister and I did most of the work.  I don't like this trend I seem to be seeing of brides having a lot to do with their shower planning. It's a party FOR you, not BY you...that's what the wedding and reception are for. We asked her what she wanted most from her registry (sewing machine and cover), but I would have been upset if she had demanded something as frivolous as a Coach purse IMHO.

MairePoppy

You're not being cheap, you're being honest. Everyone should have been asked about their budgets before the shower was planned.

I echo shipsinthenights sentiment. Brides shouldn't be so involved in the shower planning.

em01092

I agree about the showers. 

Disclaimer: When I said the far away BMs would be invited to the showers, even though I know they probably can't make it, I did not mean I would be inviting them. The MOH would still be doing that. I just was sure to let them know they would be welcome if they could swing it but if they have tests/projects/work etc I understand its a long drive, plus a hassle to miss school and work and get a hotel, and so on. Plus, gas prices are crazy! I hope they will be better this time next year!

AL8098

Now I can't even get the MOH to respond to my messages asking for her address so I can send her my money.  Guess I'll gladly keep my $50 if they don't want it!

StacyJenniges

I agree with PP you are not in the wrong, You are open and honest about your budget.  I do not think you are being cheap I think you are being mindful of your budget.

good luck and try to enjoy your friends day.