Moms and Maids

Bridesmaid might be trying to get out of being a bridesmaid?

OK, so I have a bridesmaid (well, I think she'll be one?!) that I've tried to discuss bridesmaid-y stuff with for the past few weeks, and I keep getting either no response of "I'm busy" from her. Single sentence responses in any email, no calls, no nothing. Fi & I recently announced our date, and I kinda thought she'd at least acknowledge something definitive like that, but everything's been pretty silent.

Shortly after I got engaged (a year ago), I asked her to be a bridesmaid and she seemed happy about it. We were friends through high school, college, and into our adult life. I'll break it down this way- when she has a boyfriend problem, she calls me for advice or to talk her through things. Though we live 1100 mi. away now, we still keep in reasonably regular contact - we talk probably every month or so. Facebook helps, too.

Still, I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Should I let it go, and if so, for how long? If you ladies take this as a sign she might be trying to get out of this, what do you suggest my action or response should be? I definitely feel like I'm getting blown off, and I'm having trouble knowing what to say or do.

Help please!

Re: Bridesmaid might be trying to get out of being a bridesmaid?

  • 8daysaweek8daysaweek member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Your wedding is still almost a year away so I wouldn't worry about it too much at this point.

    This is why it's best to wait until your wedding is closer to ask your wedding party - relationships can change significantly over a couple years. Have you tried contacting her just to catch up lately - not about the wedding? Maybe she has something going on.

    I would just communicate only need-to-know info - like the guidelines for the BM dress - to her and of course the date so she can make arrangements and understand that she isn't going to be a very involved bridesmaid - which is perfectly fine. If she tells you she can't be in the wedding or she doesn't get her dress, she's removed herself from the wedding party.

    If you try to give her an "out" she may take it that you don't want her in the wedding and not as the considerate gesture you mean it to be. If you kick her out, you'll end the friendship and some people will probably think you're being a bridezilla. Best to just adjust your own expectations of her and move forward.

    Good luck and I hope you guys can work your friendship out!


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  • mdd123082mdd123082 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the insight. I'll give her some time to come around, and of course all I need to hear from her is that she still wants to be a bridesmaid, that she'll be there on the day of, etc. She doesn't need to do anything more for me than that but be my friend because I want her to be part of my day!

    In case anyone misunderstood - I definitely am NOT looking to kick her out- that is not at all what I'm suggesting here.
    The opposite really- I want her to be part of this, because I consider her my friend.
    It does cross my mind that she might be excusing herself, which is what I wondered,

    Hopefully the latter is not the case.


  • mdd123082mdd123082 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Other insight here- my wedding, while a year away, is a "destination wedding" for pretty much everyone but our co-workers and Fi & me.

    Our attendants and family members are scattered across the US, so we wanted to ask people long in advance to set aside the day and be able to make work/travel plans for that weekend.
  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-might-trying-out-of-being-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8735cd93-80b9-4dc0-b8a8-ea9c1688b006Post:ed3c2272-4c7a-41a1-97b6-430b274155f2">Bridesmaid might be trying to get out of being a bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OK, so I have a bridesmaid (well, I think she'll be one?!) that<strong> I've tried to discuss bridesmaid-y stuff with for the past few weeks,</strong> and I keep getting either no response of "I'm busy" from her. Single sentence responses in any email, no calls, no nothing. Fi & I recently announced our date, and I kinda thought she'd at least acknowledge something definitive like that, but everything's been pretty silent. Shortly after I got engaged (a year ago), I asked her to be a bridesmaid and she seemed happy about it. We were friends through high school, college, and into our adult life. I'll break it down this way- when she has a boyfriend problem, she calls me for advice or to talk her through things. Though we live 1100 mi. away now, we still keep in reasonably regular contact - we talk probably every month or so. Facebook helps, too. Still, I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Should I let it go, and if so, for how long? If you ladies take this as a sign she might be trying to get out of this, what do you suggest my action or response should be? I definitely feel like I'm getting blown off, and I'm having trouble knowing what to say or do. Help please!
    Posted by mdd123082[/QUOTE]

    Define "bridesmaid-y stuff."
  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Her:  The wedding is still a year away!!
    You:  OMG!! The wedding is only a year away!!

    She might be burned out on wedding stuff.  Talk to her about things that do not involve the wedding.  Talk to her about things going on in her life.  You don't need to start involving BM's until dress shopping, about 4 months out from the wedding.

    One other thing to think about.  If you are talking about "bridemaids-y" stuff that involves parties, gifts and expectations,  that could be causing distance.  She may not be comfortable being put in a position where she is expected to do a lot of things for you.  The only expectation for a wedding party is to show up  in their dress and smile for pictures.
    ROCK IS KING!!
  • mdd123082mdd123082 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ha, yes, I think you (vsgal) hit the nail on the head- it's a year away, so for her, that's hopefully plenty of time away.
    My main concern is giving everyone enough notice of when & where the wedding will be so they can make arrangements to come/think about if it will work for them, since it's out of town.
    The other part of it is that after a year of trying to figure out the logistics, she's probably thinking, "let's see if this date/place sticks." I don't blame her! :)

    Also, the "bridesmaid-y stuff" was just trying to get into contact with her to:
    A. let her know the date & location - I wanted to share the news
    B. give her a website to look at to get bridesmaid gown ideas - the girls get to pick their own style in a color I chose
    Nothing wedding related beyond that.

    I guess between travel, gowns, etc that would make $ signs flash through her head. I'm mindful of that, and don't want to force wedding issues - this is my friend first, bridesmaids second, and I get that 100%.
    So my question is how long should I wait to check in with her that she still wants to and is able to participate?
  • 8daysaweek8daysaweek member
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-might-trying-out-of-being-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8735cd93-80b9-4dc0-b8a8-ea9c1688b006Post:dc9224c2-fe73-4f16-a798-aab1aa7c1e9b">Re: Bridesmaid might be trying to get out of being a bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ha, yes, I think you (vsgal) hit the nail on the head- it's a year away, so for her, that's hopefully plenty of time away. My main concern is giving everyone enough notice of when & where the wedding will be so they can make arrangements to come/think about if it will work for them, since it's out of town. The other part of it is that after a year of trying to figure out the logistics, she's probably thinking, "let's see if this date/place sticks." I don't blame her! :) Also, the "bridesmaid-y stuff" was just trying to get into contact with her to: A. let her know the date & location - I wanted to share the news B. give her a website to look at to get bridesmaid gown ideas - the girls get to pick their own style in a color I chose Nothing wedding related beyond that. I guess between travel, gowns, etc that would make $ signs flash through her head. I'm mindful of that, and don't want to force wedding issues - this is my friend first, bridesmaids second, and I get that 100%.<strong> So my question is how long should I wait to check in with her that she still wants to and is able to participate?</strong>
    Posted by mdd123082[/QUOTE]

    If I were you, I wouldn't ever check in about that specifically. When you need her to pick and order a dress (which can be anywhere from 2-6 months out depending on the designer), send her all the info she needs as well as the date it should be ordered by. If she can't or doesn't want to do it, she won't get the dress or won't make the travel arrangements and she'll have removed herself from the wedding party. I know it's no fun to be in limbo, but I would just move forward with the assumption that she's told you she's in it, so she's in it.
    About a month or two out, check in with her about her travel plans (ie when she gets in, if she needs a ride from the airport, help finding accommodations, etc.) and the dress. If she tells you then that she didn't do either, you'll know she's not going to be a bridesmaid. That should give you plenty of time to make any necessary changes like canceling her bouquet.

    It's nice to see someone on here who recognizes wedding party members are friends first and attendants second. Good luck with your planning!
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  • mdd123082mdd123082 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice- I will keep silent on the wedding stuff with her until it's time for everyone to get serious about attire, travel plans, etc - by 6 mo. out, I'd agree.
    (Airfare probably won't even be available until then)
    That was a good call, thank you 8daysaweek.

    I'm sure talking to her in between will give me an idea on if she still wants to participate, and if not, that's her decision. I can roll with it.

    Thanks again to all of you ladies!
  • colleen1030fcolleen1030f member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know exactly how you feel.  My MOH never officially told me that she wasnt going to participate, except for not showing up for dress fittings, and then saying her phone was messing up and she thought it was the next week. Well, we made plans to get her dress, still a no show. So I left it at that. She obviously doesnt want to be a part, and cant find the nerve to tell me. And for the record, my wedding is in four months so it would have been nice to know.
  • mdd123082mdd123082 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Colleen1030f, I know how you feel  (though your wedding is a lot closer!) I'm sorry your MOH, of all people, is flaking out. I see you're from NEOH, and I used to live there... wondering where you're from/where you're getting married?

    Interestingly, the girl I'm just going to guess is a still bridesmaid (assuming???) has spoken to me 3xs on the phone since I sent out the "hey, it's official, this is the date/here are the bm dress brands/these are the known logistics" email 2 weeks ago, and yet, the wedding hasn't come up even one time. I don't want the conversations to revolve around it or me at all, but part of me does feel like a friend should at least show interest and mention something about it. Isn't that polite?

    Anyway, my mom shed some perspective on it - Nowadays, uneven sides don't matter at all, whatever happens, and she actually had a girl drop out of her party and then back in at the last minute - uneven sides and drama in the 60s! Poor thing!

    This limbo is frustrating, but the day is supposed to be about you & the hubby in the end, so we'll have to put the rest of this stuff away. Not easy, but I look at him and kind of forget about it :)


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