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his sister.

In the "P" family there are two boys and a girl. The oldest boy is getting married this summer. The fiancee "B" comes from a mixed family of about 5 or six siblings.  I am engaged to "P" boy #2. "P" mother and daughter are opinionated, intolerant, self-centered and abrasive. 

"B" and the ladies have a past of snippy behavior, though she tries, they keep up the drama behind the scenes. As a result, the wedding party consists of his brother and B's sister. I sort of thought I might be asked, but wasn't. FINE.  But the boys' sister is refusing to come to the wedding if she isn't asked to be in the WP, It was suggested she could do a reading, which only further escalated her tantrums.  The FMIL has sided with the daughter and said B is alienating her etc etc. Remember that not all B's siblings are included either. 

I don't really want this girl in my future wedding party either, so I am biased with this decision here. B is holding her ground, is she out of line? 

Re: his sister.

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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:e8d6d723-b5ef-41fb-af15-20a4cd9d5bbd">his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In the "P" family there are two boys and a girl. The oldest boy is getting married this summer. The fiancee "B" comes from a mixed family of about 5 or six siblings.  I am engaged to "P" boy #2. "P" mother and daughter are opinionated, intolerant, self-centered and abrasive.  "B" and the ladies have a past of snippy behavior, though she tries, they keep up the drama behind the scenes. As a result, the wedding party consists of his brother and B's sister. I sort of thought I might be asked, but wasn't. FINE.  But the boys' sister is refusing to come to the wedding if she isn't asked to be in the WP, It was suggested she could do a reading, which only further escalated her tantrums.  The FMIL has sided with the daughter and said B is alienating her etc etc. Remember that not all B's siblings are included either.  I don't really want this girl in my future wedding party either, so I am biased with this decision here. B is holding her ground, is she out of line? 
    Posted by Ciocie[/QUOTE]

    What does your FI think?
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    SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I too wonder what your FI thinks of this. Chances are, he's used to his sister being like this and would have insight on how to handle it.

    She IS making a rather big faux pas and isn't in the right, neither is your FMIL for condoning it. But, you might save a LOT of time and drama (present or future) by just including her in the BP. All she's obligated to do is get a dress and show up. You don't need to be BFFs.

    But in the meantime, limit your wedding talk with her and if you decide to include her as a BM- only give her the important details like when and where the RD is for example. Don't give her any opportunity to be a diva.
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:48cc09b0-139d-48d9-a89e-92e4873d48e4">Re: his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]She's being rude by making demands. Your fiance can have her stand on his side if he wants her in the wedding. Here's the "but." You will be dealing with these two women for the rest of your life. It might be worth years of headaches to just let her in. After all, she just needs to get her dress and show up. That's it.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    <div>^This. And really if it were me, I would not give into people who are that much of a baby. It's called disappointment, she can have it but to act on it is immature and to me intolerable even if I have to spend every Thanksgiving and Christmas for the rest of my life. It's just like a child, don't give in to the their bad behavior.  </div>
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    edited December 2011
    How old is this girl to be throwing such a tantrum?  She sounds ridiculous.  B shouldn't let her in, especially since she has other siblings that are not involved.  I think it was smart of her and P boy #1 to have a very small WP.  Seems like they were trying to avoid this.  You shouldn't feel pressured into asking her either, but like them, you might want to go out of your way to make the WP very exclusive so she doesn't feel like she is the only one excluded.  If your FI wants her up there, he can have her on his side. 

    Make sure your FI is the one handling the drama with his family when it happens.  You don't want to give them a reason to hold this against you.  (even if they will anyway)
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:48cc09b0-139d-48d9-a89e-92e4873d48e4">Re: his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]She's being rude by making demands. Your fiance can have her stand on his side if he wants her in the wedding. Here's the "but." You will be dealing with these two women for the rest of your life. It might be worth years of headaches to just let her in. After all, she just needs to get her dress and show up. That's it.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    This...
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry but her demanding to be in my wedding party would not make me cave in and do it. Who cares that you will have to deal with them forever? It is your wedding. Do as you and FI please. If you don't want her on your side, FI can have her bratty tail on his side. 
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    edited December 2011
    you are spot on. she just turned 21. she... has a pony. nuff said, right? 


    Both boys are so used to the drama with mother and daughter that they just kind of tune it out. They don't engage with them, they just kind of duck and roll and continue on like nothing happened. B and I are coming from the outside thinking "this is madness!" B's fiance supported the decision for a small WP from the beginning. 

    My fiance is attempting to be impartial. He won't tell the sister that she should suck it up. He lets her vent and moves on. I argue on principle that she needs to be told that her behavior is inappropriate!! Not allowed to continue. She's 21.. apparently she missed that boat, so he says I have to accept this as the way she is. And allow her to be abrasive. ( I know I am sensitive, but he should equally tell them to accept me as sensitive right? ) 


    obviously I will be having a humongous WP so nobody throws a freaking hissy fit. MOH will be the only one I talk to.   
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:0eb0af0f-ebc3-45f3-8c0c-51ecc27a2414">Re: his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]you are spot on. she just turned 21. she... has a pony. nuff said, right?  Both boys are so used to the drama with mother and daughter that they just kind of tune it out. They don't engage with them, they just kind of duck and roll and continue on like nothing happened. B and I are coming from the outside thinking "this is madness!" B's fiance supported the decision for a small WP from the beginning.  My fiance is attempting to be impartial. He won't tell the sister that she should suck it up. He lets her vent and moves on. I argue on principle that she needs to be told that her behavior is inappropriate!! Not allowed to continue. She's 21.. apparently she missed that boat, so he says I have to accept this as the way she is. And allow her to be abrasive. ( I know I am sensitive, but he should equally tell them to accept me as sensitive right? )  obviously I will be having a humongous WP so nobody throws a freaking hissy fit. MOH will be the only one I talk to.   
    Posted by Ciocie[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Oh man, sounds like you have a FI problem too. He needs to realize that he is starting <strong>his own</strong> family and he needs to defend you to any of his family, if he can't do that then you need to evaluate you marrying him because you will have to deal with his impartial ways for the rest of your life. I strongly suggest you sit down and fix this issue right away either be with a long open conversation about his behavior and the effects it has on you or that you two need some pre-martial counseling so that a professional can tell him that his impartial nature with his family and you is going to cause a lot of problems down the road.</div><div>
    </div><div> Basically, he needs to tell his sister, "sorry sis, but we've made our decision for the WP".  Him just listening to her b**ch about not being in the wedding and not saying anything to her about it just makes her think that if she b**ches enough she might get her way. So he really does need to flat out tell her politely that you've made your decision and that the topic is now closed.

    </div>
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FI problem.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:bf783f11-3a7f-43b0-ab77-21fb47b640c9">Re: his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Who cares that you will have to deal with them forever." SHE will......at every family reunion, holiday, dinner party, christening, other family wedding, etc. Don't underestimate the hassle - and the harm - that this can do.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

    Amen sister...been there.  Seen it happen!
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
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    vixeyvixey member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:fafca4a4-9b2f-4dbb-9bb5-7d4f276f220d">Re: his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry but her demanding to be in my wedding party would not make me cave in and do it. <strong>Who cares that you will have to deal with them forever? It is your wedding.</strong> Do as you and FI please. If you don't want her on your side, FI can have her bratty tail on his side. 
    Posted by ChanelShades[/QUOTE]
    This is terrible advice.  Please don't follow it.
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    redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i disagree with all the PP's who say you should let her in to avoid drama. you will have to deal with her the rest of your life. people who are that manipulative and bratty are not going to stop being bratty after your wedding day. then it will be you are ruining holidays if you dont spend them with his family etc. your fiance needs to put his foot down and deal with this issue. the way you communicate with his family, the way you and your fiance decide things needs to be addressed now. obviously it needs to be done maturely and respectfully but if you dont stick up for yourself and address these issues now, you will have a liftime of them expecting you to be a doormat for thier manipulative behavior.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:b14f6e1b-a389-49cc-a3d0-34428c7c81fb">Re: his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]i disagree with all the PP's who say you should let her in to avoid drama. you will have to deal with her the rest of your life. people who are that manipulative and bratty are not going to stop being bratty after your wedding day. then it will be you are ruining holidays if you dont spend them with his family etc. your fiance needs to put his foot down and deal with this issue. the way you communicate with his family, the way you and your fiance decide things needs to be addressed now. obviously it needs to be done maturely and respectfully but if you dont stick up for yourself and address these issues now, you will have a liftime of them expecting you to be a doormat for thier manipulative behavior.
    Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

    I would usually say to consider keeping the peace by letting in FSIL when her time comes around, but in this case, I have to agree with the quoted text.  If it's a pattern of FSIL whining to get her way, I wouldn't cave in if I were B or the OP.  This is obviously not going to be a one-time thing if FSIL is just like this. The family OP is marrying into doesn't seem to want to address the issue, and so regardless of what the OP does, her FI's sister will make things difficult further down the line, and the OP isn't going to even want to bother with FI's family (or there will be a future blowup down the line). 

    I think B is doing the right thing, and I really hope that FBIL is standing up for his bride.  I also think that OP shouldn't allow FSIL in to the WP if she whines about it.  If FI wants his sister in, he can include her on his side.  But he cannot do the "impartial" thing if he marries the OP...he's starting a new family, and so he needs to grow a pair and stand up for her if and when the time comes.  If he can't do that, OP needs to seriously rethink marrying this guy, because if he isn't going to stand up for his soon-to-be-wife, she's going to be in a world of hurt in the future.
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    edited December 2011
    you are right. I don't want to be bothered with his family. And my man is sad to see that. But at the same time, he doesn't seem to be ready to accept that it is his responsibility to put his foot down. He would rather think that I am the bad guy. 


    and thank you, all, for the wake up call. 
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:9ba075cd-2205-4087-9e5a-01b76bcbeca9">Re: his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]you are right. I don't want to be bothered with his family. And my man is sad to see that. But at the same time, he doesn't seem to be ready to accept that it is his responsibility to put his foot down. <strong><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000">He would rather think that I am the bad guy</font></strong>.  and thank you, all, for the wake up call. 
    Posted by Ciocie[/QUOTE]

    <div>Wow, that would be a deal breaker for me, I just couldn't be with someone who had that kind of a mentality. Best of luck to you, I'm glad you are seeing the bigger problem here. </div>
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    edited December 2011
    The latest update: The family is no longer giving B or FI any money for the wedding since they are not including their daughter in the wedding party. Absurd or what?!? The bigger problem here is that there has never been a friendship between FSIL and B. Actually FSIL insults B randomly for no reason. I am B and I have tried many a times to have a relationship with the sister and mother, but I continuously get stabbed in the back. I am not asking her because I know that even if I do it isn't going to change how she is. The FMIL thinks that if I ask her daughter to be in the wedding the family will miraculously be perfect and everyone will get along. I highly doubt that by me asking her to be in my wedding party her personality is going to change. A brat who has been practicing being a brat for 21 years doesn't change over night. I have set up boundaries and I am no longer talking to the family. I am leaving it in my fiances hands and riding it out until the wedding. It's not that we need the money from them but it would make it easier on my FI since he's the one paying for it with my Dad. They are literally taking it out of line and they don't realize they are pushing him away. Another issue is I don't even know if it is the fSIL wants to be in the wedding. Why would someone who doesn't like me and is also rude to her brother want it be in our wedding? I think it's just a good excuse for this drama filled family to cause problems so they can be happy. I love my FI to death. This family has put me through hell and I am not planning on letting them ruin this for me too. So I put up my boundaries and it's his decision to do something about it now. If he doesn't then I guess I need to re-evaluate the relationship. And we are seeking pre-marital counseling. 
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_his-sister-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:89766867-6d49-4967-a606-88666a050837Post:58d9e1f9-ca63-4ac4-bc99-8a0b4ce82b0a">Re: his sister.</a>:
    [QUOTE]The latest update: The family is no longer giving B or FI any money for the wedding since they are not including their daughter in the wedding party. Absurd or what?!? The bigger problem here is that there has never been a friendship between FSIL and B. Actually FSIL insults B randomly for no reason. I am B and I have tried many a times to have a relationship with the sister and mother, but I continuously get stabbed in the back. I am not asking her because I know that even if I do it isn't going to change how she is. The FMIL thinks that if I ask her daughter to be in the wedding the family will miraculously be perfect and everyone will get along. I highly doubt that by me asking her to be in my wedding party her personality is going to change. A brat who has been practicing being a brat for 21 years doesn't change over night. I have set up boundaries and I am no longer talking to the family. I am leaving it in my fiances hands and riding it out until the wedding. It's not that we need the money from them but it would make it easier on my FI since he's the one paying for it with my Dad. They are literally taking it out of line and they don't realize they are pushing him away. Another issue is I don't even know if it is the fSIL wants to be in the wedding. Why would someone who doesn't like me and is also rude to her brother want it be in our wedding? I think it's just a good excuse for this drama filled family to cause problems so they can be happy. I love my FI to death. This family has put me through hell and I am not planning on letting them ruin this for me too. <font class="Apple-style-span" color="#FF0000">So I put up my boundaries and it's his decision to do something about it now. If he doesn't then I guess I need to re-evaluate the relationship. And we are seeking pre-marital counseling. </font>
    Posted by Cherrisontop[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">I really feel bad for your situation. His family used their money to control you and your FI, I'm glad you didn't give in and accepted that his family took back the money (it really tells you something about his family). We tell so many Brides that people's money can come with strings and it looks like yours was that his sister had to be in the WP, you didn't cave and they pulled the money. You might have to tighten your belts with certain wedding stuff, but you will be so glad that you didn't cave into their demands that it will be worth it. </div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">
    </div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">I know it is very tough to do this, it is not easy thing to do to someone you love. But sometimes its good to realize that your FI <em>has</em> to do something and put a stop to it now before you actually marry him because you will be involve with his family for a long time and neither of you should have to deal with controlling family drama. Good luck.</div>
    </div>
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